Greendog (Sega Genesis) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
A digitized rendition of the AVGN theme song playing, set to the instrumental Sega Genesis-like cover by Sterling Odes. The episode begins with a montage of NES games in which the Nerd already reviewed, as it frustrates by playing.
First in The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man...
The Nerd: Ugh!
...Then Darkman...
The Nerd: Uuugh!!!
...Then The Incredible Crash Dummies...
The Nerd: Aaaggghhhhh!!!
...And finally, Raid 2020
The Nerd: AAAAHHHHH!!! I HATE these games! I'd rather... (calms down) I'd rather... treat myself. Yeah, I-I need to calm down. Just gotta chill, just for once. 'Cause I've been angry for far too long.
(The scene cuts to a TV showing a commercial set in a island getaway, who is dressed a suit and sunglasses with a Hawaiian necklace, known as the TV Creep played by Marsh the Darsh)
TV Creep: Hey there, friendo! Are the day-to-day stresses of shit wearin' you down? Lookin' to get away without leaving that futon? (throws the sunglasses) Well, you angry asshole, let the vacation come, to YOOOOOUUUUUU!!!
TV Creep: Explore the caribbean, surround yourself with exotic animals! Bodacious babes! Without leaving the comfort of your tiny, pathetic basement, meh... Order now! And you'll receive a highly immersive video game that will leave you feeling like you just came back... FROM GUANTANAMO BAY!!!
The Nerd: Okay, well that sounds like it could be fun like, maybe it's like one of those virtual reality kinda games, like, Total Recall or some shit?
TV Creep: Psst! Just call the fuckin' number.
(The phone number appears on screen, which reads "1-800-420-6669")
(The Nerd pulls out his phone and calls the number.)
The Nerd: Yeah, I want that, thanks!
(He hangs up and then it fades to the next scene. The Nerd is wearing a Hawaiian necklace and getting ready to open the package.)
The Nerd: Oh yeah, here we go! I'm so ready! I'm filled with excitement here!
(He opens up the package, which reveals the Greendog video game. His smile turns into a frown, and he looks to the viewers while blinking rapidly.)
The Nerd: I mean, filled with excrement. Greendog on Genesis. Well, hey. I'm gonna play this game with a happy face. Gonna chill with the cursing, chill with the screaming... I'll be able to make it through that way, right?
(The game begins as the Nerd starts to chill out.
The Nerd: Yeeeah... let's chill. Like that surfer beach dude, Greendog. Surf's up, dude. Why is he called Greendog? I mean, he's not green, and he's not a dog. And look at this beach, it's so nice. It just looks like... you know, right outta Swamp Thing's swamp-ass butt. Oh, I like how he just sticks out from the background. I mean, he doesn't even belong in the beach, but that's cool 'cause he's just all one... with nature. I mean, his head looks like a... the lone ballsack, not even his face wants to be a part of this game. But that's fine, that's fine. Yeah, the backgrounds, they all look like... you know, real life photos painted over in Mario Paint. Yeah, like kindaaa like... I get trying to make a Sega game look realistic or doing the digitized Mortal Kombat thing. But these looked really off compared to the cartoon character it's from... but that's okay, that's okay.
So the game starts off with Greendog-crap getting hit by a giant wave. And now, this pendant is stuck around his goofy neck and can't be taken off until six pieces of Aztec treasure scattered around the Caribbean are put back together again, or else he can never surf again. How do I know this? Because Bambi, Greendog's goliath girlfriend, happens to be an expert on the matter. If she knows so much, why did the pendant choose her instead? I mean just look at her, and look at him. It's like they're from two completely different games. All right, calm down.
The Nerd: Right off the bat, what annoys me is the music. It's a continuous... i-irritating and... piercing loop. But that-that's fine, I can take it. It's all right... just chill. Sounds like the soundtrack to A Weekend at Bernie's being played with trash cans and kazoos. But not expensive kazoos, cheap ones. Oh, and I love that jump. Oh yeah, yeah. That jump... it just makes everything you do a nightmare. It's cool. Just jump, it'll be okay. (sighs) Watch out for the piranhas. So many piranhas. Oh wow, those birds make that noise. So you attack enemies by whipping frisbees at their heads, but it doesn't seem to do jack sh-shit-crap half the time and it-it went through... it went through that parrot four times. What-what is Greendog's problem? Whipping frisbees at parrots? What an A-hole.
The Nerd: Sometimes you can get power-ups, like this homing frisbee. Which is helpful, but of course, it's only around for a limited time and there are barely any enemies around. Why even give it to me? You can reduce damage by eating food you find by hitting objects and enemies, and how frogs explode into french fries is beyond my culinary experience. This game is supposedly said in the island, so why not use fruit like bananas or pineapples? Instead, it's the kids buffet menu at Sizzler's. Hot dogs flyin' out of parrot's... assholes? Donuts... popping outta... Aztec DEITIES?! It makes no sense, no sense.
The Nerd: Oh, FUDGE! That... that jump, he jumps five feet in the air, but he can't jump on that F... FUCKING BLOCK!!! I'm clearly able to jump on that block but maybe it's his... f-floppy freakish feet or the helmet hair blockin' him! Hooo, Okay, but there's absolutely no reason I shouldn't make this jump other than the game just SUCKS! Okay, starting to lose it here. All right, I've made it to one of the boss fights and it's anti-climactic as all hell. The music doesn't change and the boss blends in with this moldy looking graphics.
Take a good game, like Castlevania. When you fight Medusa, she begins as a statue, but then she emerges from it and the music gets intense, and this came out in '86. But here, this boss looks like an infected scab vomiting piss balls and blue tapeworms at you. What the- what are these things? They look like, giant chunks of... foreskin. I-I mean when you step on them, they let out a cock fart.
The Nerd: I will be honest, it's not that bad of a game, it's definitely playable. I think we've seen the worst of it already. All right, well, I'm making it pretty far here. Okay, just uh... Oh, the pipe got me. Stop... stop... stop? I have to do the level over again? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! I can't believe they sent you BACK that far! As you watch the screen scrolling by, you can just feel those PRECIOUS minutes being stolen from you! It's the same feeling of wasted time, like if you drive all the way the store and then realize you left your wallet at home, so you have to go back, just to go forward again! FUCKING SUCKS!
The Nerd: Yeah, so being chill just went out the fucking window! Come on, jump! Watch the fucking parrot! Uggghh! You goddamn parrot! Oh, and then the meters, these are even worse! Oh, look at that! They just send you all the way back! Oh, that's the worst problem with this game,, it just sends ya back! Sends ya back! SENDS YA, SENDS YA, SENDS YA FUCKING BACK!!! You go forward, you go back! You go forward, and you go FUCKING BACK AGAIN!!! Why can't you just skate around them? Skates are an option, but the minute you touch that skateboard you're stuck with this shit until you finish this fucked-up fart fest!
Of course, on the boss level, I have to continue this shit with the skateboard or rollerblades. So I'm going with the rollerblades this time. Are you kidding me? I get the skates, but because of that ridiculous jump, I ended up with the skateboard again. Well, it doesn't matter because I died, gently this time. Okay, here we go... Ugh! Well, I just fucking died again. No, just jump!
(Greendog falls off the ramp by using the rollerblades many times, as the Nerd begins to frustrate more as usual.)
The Nerd: Ahhhhh! (Greendog falls again) No! (cries in anger) Fuck it, I'm gonna use the skateboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah... Awww! (Greendog jumps off the springs as it sends out back, then the Nerd smiles, then frowns and then he drops the Sega Genesis controller) FUUUCK!!! Oh, come on, springs! In Sonic, when you're running fast and you hit a spring, you get launched forward or backwards. It's a fun dynamic to the game because, sometimes you find items or even secret passages. But in this shit stain game between the Genesis' ass-crack, the pushback is all over the place! Half the screen is gone and I can't make out where I'm going half the damn time! Is that infuriating? Yes it is! I'd have better luck controlling a car on fire with the brakes cut going a hundred miles per hour straight into a Manure truck, Biff Tannen style!
The Nerd: These Gyrocopter levels are a mess of shit. Okay, here we go. Oh, there's so much stuff! There's so much stuff going on! It- just ignore the falling parachute food. Where is-- where are they even coming from? You'll have more life avoiding them! Aaahhhh! Being swarmed to shit! You know the game is fucked when you have such a huge life bar to deal with this barrage of bullshit! What is even the point of that glove? It can only reach enemies when they're already in damage proximity of you so might as well just dodge everything. Ahhhh, Now that i'm this far into the game, I need to talk about the music again. Some tracks are catchy, like this one.
♪ Greendog Soundtrack - "Grenada" ♪
The Nerd: Wait a minute, why is that so familiar?
A short sampling of Hot Chelle Rae song "Tonight, Tonight" plays as a variation of the Grenada tune
The Nerd: Holy shit, those thieves! And what about...
♪ Greendog Soundtrack - "Mustique" ♪
The Nerd: Wait, that's Little Fuckin' Mermaid!
A short sampling of "Under the Sea", from the Little Mermaid plays as a variation of the Mustique tune
The Nerd: Wait, this game came out in '92 and Little Mermaid came out before this game in '89. The game... ripped off Little Mermaid! Oh, now, a little history. The composer of Greendog was Paul Gadbois. Gadboi-Whaaa???-Uh, whatever. He also did the music for Disney's Bonkers and TaleSpin. So there's a Disney connection, kinda. This is all kind of weird, but his music isn't so bad considering modern musicians rip them off. I mostly blame the Genesis' audio chips for Greendog's sounding like shit. And that's all I'll say about that-- no, let's go down the rabbit hole a little more. I found out that the Greendog character was originally from a board game called "Surf Trip". Which was created by real-life surfer dude Rick Green, who was the creator of that sticky velcro football we played with as kids in the '80s. Rick Green's childhood nickname was Greendog. And the Greendog character was illustrated by Cam D. Leone, who also did the art for a couple Tool albums, Ghostbusters and Hook.
Rock music briefly plays
The Nerd: Alright, back to the game. Here's some annoying shit. The foreground keeps getting in the way. Kind of like Batman Forever on Super Nintendo. Look at that. I mean get out of the way! I-I'm trying to play a game here!
Greendog falls in the water and dies
The Nerd: On to the final level. You finally get to use the roller blades and to be honest, IT SUCKS ASS! It's a lot of guessing and constant hit damage to get through and even when you do make it, it's nothing extraordinary. No mega boss fight. Just some gangly asshole x-gaming his way to the end with a fucking stupid-ass bird hovering over you every second!
Greendog misses the ramp and dies to the spike pit
The Nerd: (grunts) HAPPY BIRTH- (Blows to his middle fingers as if he's blowing out candles) DAY, (Blows) FUCK YOU!
The Nerd tries to keep himself from laughing, along with the filming crew in the background
The Nerd: So Greendogshit gets all the pieces together and can finally surf again. Yippee fucking skippy. Now, I don't have to play this shitload of fuck anymore. He looks so dumb surfing in the sky like a knock-off version of Silver Surfer. This game alludes to a sequel. Well thank the gods of game development or just shitty sales because that sequel never saw the light of fucking day. And what the shit is this "Thank you for playing Greendog"? Was this all a game to Greendog or is the game thanking me for wasting my time playing it? I-If so, it better thank me for even looking at this garbage cartridge!
Fuck this plastic piece of shit! Watching dried dingleberries hanging off your cat's asshole's more entertaining than this concoction of cock! I'd rather have a narwhal ram its horn up my cornhole than ram this shit in my console! I'd rather have an elephant kickflip off my face and shit on me! Fuck you, Greendog! Time for you to go on a Caribbean vacation! I'm gonna drop this game in real lava. Yes, actual lava. To the Nerd-Copter!
The Batman transition jingle plays but the Batman logo is replaced with the Nerd's face. The Nerd-Copter is flying over a volcano. The Nerd drops both the Greendog game box and cartridge into lava which starts going up in flames.
The Nerd: Yeah!
The Grenada theme plays
The Nerd: THAT'S REAL LAVA, MOTHERFUCKER!
The Greendog game box and cartridge both continue to burn in lava. Then the music changes to the Mustique theme
The Nerd: BURN, BABY BURN!
Finally, the Nerd-Copter flies over the volcano again
The Nerd: Yeah!