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Freddy_&_Jason_(Commodore_64)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Freddy & Jason (Commodore 64) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(Flashback to Episode 13)

Freddy: Ya like to play shitty games?

The Nerd: No...

Freddy Krueger: (cackles)

(More switch between Episode 13 and Episode 12)

(On-screen text: 15 YEARS LATER...)

The Nerd: How about that? It's been 15 years since our very first Halloween special, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street, and in all those years since, one of the more interesting things that have come along to celebrate those shitty games, were the Neca Figures. They're action figures, but not from the movies, the NES versions.

Look at that. Jason's purple, just like in the game. Which further begs the question: why was he purple to begin with?! What were they thinking?! Might as well have Grimace in a hockey mask. They even have the infamous death screen on there, "You and your friends are dead. Game over". And Freddy, as you can see, is in the same obnoxious neon orange. Very scary. And it has the classic "Freddy trademark is dead".

Well anyway, we've some games to look at. Did you know, there existed a Freddy and Jason game on the Commodore 64? Yeah! If you thought the NES versions were bad, wait till you see these. But first, I wanna show you some other horror games on the Commodore 64, like Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. I can't believe a game like this existed! Let's uh, see if I can get it to load.

(The Nerd inserts the floppy into the disk drive. Meanwhile, the Freddy and Jason action figures are plotting behind the Nerd's back.)

Freddy: I've waited all these years, locked in this hellhole with your stupid ass. That Nerd! He had forgotten about our shitty games... and being forgotten is a BITCH! But now, when he remembers the fear, that will give us power. That's our ticket back to the real world. And we'll make that Nerd pay for what he's done to us! (Cackles)

The Nerd: Well, Psycho is, uh... pretty disappointing. Not because it's one of those keyboard command search-based games, which I suck at, but because it has very little to do with the movie. You're a detective in a stereotypical Sherlock Holmes outfit, I presume, searching the Bates Motel for stolen jewels. In the attic, you do encounter Norman and his dead mother, but that's about the extent of it.

How about Ghostbusters? Remember how much the NES version sucked? Drivin' around, running outta gas, collecting money to buy equipment when it should've just been about zapping ghosts? Well, the Commodore 64 version takes it a step further. As soon as you start the game, you're assaulted with this boring wall of text. Ya have to buy the car?! Shouldn't you just start with the Ecto-1? Which one is it? I'm no car expert, so I pick the first one, and I end up with Herbie the Love Bug. Well - fuck this shit!

So I tried a game called Slimer. Yeah! Now, that's what I'm talkin' about. Food! Food! Food's flyin' everywhere! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! I don't even know if this game was officially based on Ghostbusters, or it just so happened to feature a green floating glob called Slimer. But at least it's somewhat of a game.

Next up, Evil Dead. Yes! An Evil Dead game on Commodore 64. Um... ya have to use a lot of imagination here. I think this is Ash, the Bruce Campbell character, or it's the top of a runaway sink. I don't know. This is the cabin, there's the fireplace, and this thing... oh, it's uh, one of those swinging porch chairs. Wow. They tried. The object is to defeat all the Deadites. You can pick up weapons, but when you attack, your arms are invisible. Am I hitting him, or is he hitting me? You can even close doors and windows to stop them from entering. And when you die, the screen bugs out. Groovy. Well, that exists. I guess let's try... The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Freddy: C'mon, Nerd! Play our games! Do it now!

The Nerd: Well, it's Rocky Horror! It doesn't matter what I say about it. It's just the fact it exists. You take control of Brad or Janet arriving at the castle, and meeting all the wild characters. If you're familiar with the cult film, you'll enjoy the fact that it has the Time Warp music! That alone makes it worth it.

To serve up another spooky treat, we have The Munsters, based on the monster sitcom. You might be wondering, what the plot of a Munsters game could possibly be. Well, it's based on the episode where Lily Munster's busy running around the house shooting glowing orbs at zombies and floating skull-bats. That was a good one. But hey, it's playable, and the whole time I'm sittin' here with a smile thinking, "I'm playing The Munsters." It even has the music! That always counts for somethin'.

Were there any Gremlins games on Commodore? Well, take your pick. There's Gremlins: The Adventure, which is one of those "guess which word to type in" kinda games. At least the graphics are cool, that they tried their best to depict scenes that are from the movie. The other Gremlins game I came across is action-based. You take control of Billy, I presume, hacking up gremlins with a sword. Yeah, well, there is a sword in one scene of the film. But damn, maybe Billy should've kept that sword throughout the rest of the movie. Maybe then he wouldn't have been such a wuss! His mom on the other hand, was badass! She killed almost every gremlin in that house! I think if you make a Gremlins game, she should be the main character.

But forget about the movie-based games. What you want is stuff like this: Soulless. You're some mother-fuckin' monster goin' around in a goddamn dungeon, layin' waste to inferior monsters. The backgrounds are surprisingly detailed, with horned demon heads and shit. This is metal. But the jumping kinda sucks. What can ya do?

Next up is Chiller. At first, I thought it was gonna be based on that ultra-gory, crosshair shooter arcade, the one that got a tamed down, crappy port on NES. But this game is totally different. You're hoppin' around this garbled mess, collecting tombstones. When you get them all, you advance to the next level, which is a movie theater, and on the screen, is the level you were just playing. So you were just inside a movie. That is a video game twist I've never seen, back in the days of Commodore at least. Very innovative.

But you haven't seen anything until you've seen Weird Dreams/ You wanna know about this guy's weird dream? He was in some kinda machine. He jumped and then got transported to a carnival, where a giant bee came and grabbed him by the crotch! BY THE CROTCH! And then he woke up in some kinda hospital, with creepy people looking over him. Whoa... that is genuinely scary. Wish I could get more of this game to work, but it keeps on glitching.

Well, let's move on to the big one, Friday the 13th: The Computer Game. It says on the back of the box, "Before playing the game, make sure that you close and lock all doors, windows and curtains; turn off all lights, use a candle if necessary; make sure Granny isn't in the room; and set the computer volume at maximum." Well - that's a bitta extra work. But hey, it'll help me kill some time while the game loads.

(The Nerd puts the game in the Commodore. As he closes the lid, lightning flashes and thunder rumbles in the background.)

The Nerd: Why is there always lightning in my room? Anyway, I'll be right back.

(The Nerd gets up and walks past the couch with the games and action figures laying on it. Lightning flashes and thunder is heard once more as the camera zooms in on the games. Cut to Freddy in hell.)

Freddy: You're free, Jason! But don't kill him yet. Wait for me.

(Cut to Nerd sitting back down in front of computer.)

The Nerd: Alright, I'm all set. I did everything the--the box said. I just gotta turn the volume up here...

(As he turns the volume, a loud, high-pitched shriek is heard from the Commodore.)

The Nerd: ...or not.

(The Nerd picks up the candle on his desk, blows it out, and puts it back down. Cut to angle from the couch, where we see the Nerd playing on the Commodore. The Jason action figure is seen staring at him. Cut to gameplay footage.)

The Nerd: Well - they certainly put a lotta effort into creating a whole cast of characters, who you'll never care about. They even went through the trouble of giving each of them bios. And as far as I remember, none of them were from the movies. In the manual, it even has photos, like some kinda yearbook. Who are these people? The game designers, maybe? "Daryl Peters. Called "Dip" by his friends, Daryl doesn't take life seriously and just wants a laugh." Heh, heh, heh. As you can see, the graphics are nothing much to applaud or complain about. The floors are gray, the ground is gray, everything is just as bland as ever. But at least there's a lot to explore. Yeah, Camp Crystal Lake has cemeteries, barns, churches, pretty much everything except a lake!

(Cut to gameplay, where it randomly shows a bunch of skulls and the same high-pitched scream plays.)

The Nerd: (screams) Well - that was random... and scary. The goal is to stop Jason from killing all the camp counsellors, which he can do off-screen. And each time one of them's killed, they change to a gravestone. So you're supposed to lure the counsellors away from Jason. If you grab a cross and put it in a room, that room becomes the sanctuary, so if you leave the counsellors there, they're safe. What kinda sense does that make? Jason's scared of a cross now, like Dracula? Nah, Jason would see that cross and all he'd think is, it's somethin' else he can use to stab people with.

(Cut to Freddy in hell.)

Freddy: I can't wait to be stabbin' you, Nerd! Hurry up and play MY game!

The Nerd: But this game does not lack weapons. This campground has axes, pitchforks, and spears just laying all over the place! You can pick one up at a time. I don't know if it even matters which one you pick. I'd pick the shovel, not the pick, 'cause the shovel's my pick.

(Cut to a scene from the movie, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy.)

Lou Costello: You don't wanna pick the pick because the pick is a pick and the shovel isn't a pick. If ya pick the pick, the pick, the shovel isn't a pick.

Bud Abbott: Now you've got it!

(Cut back to gameplay footage of Friday the 13th: The Computer Game.)

The Nerd: So I have a weapon. I still haven't seen Jason anywhere, so, I got restless, and I start killing random people.

(The same high-pitched shriek plays as someone dies in the game. Cut to the Nerd with a shocked expression on his face.)

The Nerd: That is the most high-pitched, blood-curdling scream I have ever heard in a game. That'll perk your pets up, wake your neighbors! If you turn that up loud, it'll destroy your senses. But damn, let's hear that again!

(Cut to gameplay footage. The same high-pitched shriek plays. Cut back to the Nerd looking happy.)

The Nerd: Yeeeah, again!

(Cut to gameplay footage. The same high-pitched shriek plays. Cut back to the Nerd.)

The Nerd: Oh my God, it's like, "Aaaah!" Oh man, that is amazing! That is the best scream of any game ever!

(Cut to Freddy in hell.)

Freddy: I'm gonna make YOU scream!

(Cut back to gameplay footage.)

The Nerd: It's addicting. It's like your reward for murdering! Any time you do it, ya get to hear that hilarious shriek! I also love how the bodies stay on the ground, and if you return to the site, the game remembers to keep the body there. Wow, I think I found the true goal of this game: kill all the counsellors before Jason does. Challenge his body count! See who's the real slasher king of Camp Crystal Lake! Where is Jason, anyway?

(Cut back to the Nerd.)

The Nerd: You're not gonna believe this. Is Jason purple, or pink, polka-dotted? No, no - it's nothing like that, it's nothing you could even make up! Check this out.

(Cut back to gameplay footage. A man with black clothes runs around, and is killed by the main character of the game. The shriek plays as this happens. The border of the screen flashes in multiple colors, and then the screen reads, "Congratulations! Jason is dead.....but for how long? 5 people = bonus 5000 points.")

The Nerd: Jason is dead.

(Cut back to the Nerd.)

The Nerd: Did you miss it? I killed Jason. Look again.

(Cut to close-up of character with black clothes on.)

The Nerd: That... is Jason. All along, he's been disguised as one of the counsellors.

(Cut back to the Nerd.)

The Nerd: Oh, dude... how do I handle this one? This begs so many questions. First of all, HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE JASON?! He looks just like a normal guy! Oh, but he's wearing black clothing, so that makes him Jason. Where's the hockey mask? Even the back of the box mentions the mask, and it's on the damn cover! But why isn't he wearing it? I guess because you couldn't fit it under his rubber face disguise! And why is his real face so normal? You ever seen what Jason's real face looks like in the movies? It's quite distinct. How does Jason disguise himself? Especially when it's a girl? Does he put on a wig and a bathing suit? Oh - that woulda been a great scene! Maybe it's based on the first movie when Jason wasn't the killer, or maybe it's not Jason Voorhees. It's some other guy that just happened to be named Jason. Or, maybe, the game is just called Friday the 13th, but it's unrelated? Kinda like that TV show that nobody cared about? Or, maybe... just maybe... the game fuckin' sucks.

(Cut back to gameplay footage.)

The Nerd: The funniest thing about this, is that the best strategy to find out which of the counsellors is Jason, is to kill first and ask questions later. And it works! Just kill everyone in sight! Sooner or later, you'll get him. The game rewards you for such an extreme, rash decision. Now, that should be a movie plot. The counsellor kills everyone on the assumption they could be Jason, and thus, becomes an even worse killer than Jason. What a twist.

(Cut back to the Nerd.)

The Nerd: This is the least accurate movie-to-game adaptation I have ever seen! This couldn't be any LESS faithful to the films, if the soundtrack had... "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"! Let me tell ya somethin'. Maybe... you laughed at that comment about... the soundtrack having "Old MacDonald Had a Farm", or maybe, uh, you only got a minor chuckle out of it. Or maybe you felt, um, indifferent about it. But one thing's for sure, you're certain that I'm joking. That would be a very rational way of thinking. (The Nerd takes off his glasses) But the strange thing is... I'm not joking. I am dead FUCKIN' serious. What I have heard, with my own ears, IS A FRIDAY THE 13TH GAME THAT HAS OLD MACDONALD HAD A FUCKIN' FARM!

(Cut to gameplay footage with the game's version of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" playing in the background.)

The Nerd: (singing over the song) Jason Voorhees had a farm. Ch-ch-ha-ha-ha. And on that farm, he killed a guy. Ch-ch-ha-ha-ha. With a UGH, UGH here and a KRRT, KRRT there. Here a KRRT, here, a AAH!, here, a AAAAH! Jason Voorhees had a farm. Ch-ch-ha-ha-ha.

(Cut to Freddy in hell.)

Freddy: Are you gonna sing Old MacDonald, or are you gonna play MY GAME, BITCH?!

The Nerd: Now THAT'S the perfect score to go along with people getting murdered over assumptions that they're an immortal serial killer. That should've been in the movies!

The Nerd: Well, there's not much else to see in this game, but the manual has a tech support number. I think I'll call it.

(The Nerd dials the number. The phone beeps three times before a voice answers)

Freddy: Nightmare on Elm Street Tech Support, what's your issue?

The Nerd: I'm havin' a problem with my Commodore freezin' up.

Freddy: Okay. I'm happy to help. I just need a little more information. Do you want a slow death? Or eternal life in HELL?! Ha haaa!

(Freddy pops up from behind the C64, then vanishes. The Nerd is spooked and peers behind the computer when Freddy jumps up at his face)

Freddy: (Cackles)

(The Nerd yelps and runs as Jason leaves the shadows bearing an axe. The Nerd backs into a corner as the two action figures brandish their weapons at him)

Freddy: Time to experience a fatal error, Nerd!

(The Nerd gasps and stutters as he is completely trapped)

Freddy: I'm gonna chop you to kilobits! (Cackles twice)

(The Nerd looks at the Commodore MPS 803 Dot Matrix Printer, and turns on the test print. The printer outputs a large roll of paper in the direction of the two action figures)

The Nerd: Print you bastard!

Freddy: (As the paper covers him and Jason) Haargh! Urrrgh!

The Nerd: Yeah!

Freddy: (As the Nerd wraps the duo up in the paper) Noooooooo! Noooooo! Urrrggh!

(Freddy goes on screaming while the Nerd lights the paper with a gas lighter and tosses it through his window)

The Nerd: Yeah! (The Nerd notices the message "COMING NEXT! EPISODE 200" on one of the printed sheets) Oh, FUCK!

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