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LJN_History_and_Movie_Games_(Episode_200)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

LJN History and Movie Games (Episode 200) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

LJN_Sports_and_Marvel_Games_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

LJN Sports and Marvel Games - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

LJN_Wrestling_and_Other_Games_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

LJN Wrestling and Other Games - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(A compilation of past AVGN episodes is shown)

The Nerd (from various episodes): What were they THINKING?! I'm dead. Fuckin'. Serious. FUCK! FUCK! (Screams)

(Following the number 200 appearing at the end of the compilation, various shots of the Nerd Room are shown. The Nerd appears behind the Nintendo Entertainment System shelf. He walks over to the other side of the shelf.)

The Nerd: How can I do this? How can I live up to the massive duty that has fallen upon me? My destiny has emerged, and the ultimate reckoning has drawn near!

(The Nerd walks to the right wall.)

The Nerd: I must not fail. I must look the Demon, in the face!

(The Demon from "The Wizard/Super Mario Bros. 3" episode appears and roars.)

The Nerd: NOT YOU, you piece of shit! I'm talkin' THIS. (grabs orange document) This piece of paper, is what will propel me into my final encounter with my arch nemesis. The unholy of asses, the shit from the pit, the nightmare in six colors, the rainbow of death, THE LAUGHIN' JOKIN' NUMBNUTS, L! J! N!

(The LJN logo appears in past AVGN episodes.)

The Nerd: I'm about to embark on a mission, to come to terms with LJN once and for all. As you can see here, on my wall of LJN kills, I've already eliminated several of these foul, catastrophic fuck nuggets. But now's the time to take care of the rest. And this document here was sent to me, FROM... LJN. They're still around? Well not exactly. It's complicated. So, before I tell ya what's at stake here, let's go into a little background.

First of all, who are and who were LJN? We all know their distinct brand of games, the same way you recognize the specific smell of your dog's farts. You take one ghastly whiff and you know EXACTLY where it came from... from your dog's anus.

But LJN was like a master of disguise. As a kid, when I rented these games from the video store, say, Back to the Future or Roger Rabbit, nothing seemed immediately wrong. The graphics usually seemed nice, and they all had a playability factor. But the further you go, the worse it would get. Like in the final stage of Back to the Future, when you're driving the DeLorean, if you lose, you start back at the beginning of the game, no matter how many continues you have! What bullshit!

The NES library had plenty of worse games by other publishers, so LJN was definitely not the bottom of the turd totem pole. But that made their crimes even more detestable, because they tricked you into thinking the games were good. Especially because so many of them were based on well-known franchises. With other shitty games, you wouldn't waste as much of your time. You realize it's shitty right away and turn it off! But LJN had that sneaky style to rope you in.

But even though they had a distinct brand, their games were made by several different development companies, so LJN was only a publisher. In a sense, they were the colon and the developers were the anus. The companies, just to name a few, were Beam Software, Atlus, and the one that developed perhaps the worst one, Bill & Ted, was called Rocket Science. Wow damn, I'm glad they didn't actually go into rocket science.

The one that's the most shocking to know of is Rare who made Beetlejuice, [A] Nightmare on Elm Street, and a few others. They're probably better known for non-LJN games like Battletoads, and would eventually have a partnership with Nintendo on Killer Instinct and Donkey Kong Country. I would have never guessed such awesome games came from a company that had anything to do with LJN!

So even though LJN was the publisher, their games are still called "LJN games" in the same way that the 2014 [Teenage Mutant] Ninja Turtles movie was called "A Michael Bay Movie", even though he produced it and did not direct.

But to answer the question who exactly were LJN, we'd have to trace it all the way back to its founder, a guy named Jack Friedman. He started LJN as a toy company in 1970, and I've heard he named it after his employer, Norman J. Lewis, reversing his initials to LJN. That was until it officially became Laughing Jokin' Numbnuts. At first, LJN only made toys, before branching into video games. In the 80's, I remember playing these toys, like the wrestling figures. So, I had nothing but positive memories there. Guess they should've stuck with toys.

So anyway, in '85, MCA bought LJN, but then in '90 sold it to Acclaim, who in '95, dissolved LJN even though they used the name once again in 2000. As for Jack Friedman, in '90, he formed Toy Headquarters (THQ), eventually leaving and forming Jakks Pacific. And sad to say, Jack passed away in 2010. Rest in peace.

So basically, the rights to LJN have been all over the place and lately have existed in sort of a phantom limbo. But this document, from the current owners certifies me as the sole inheritance of the name LJN!

(The Nerd looks at his certification which makes him the owner of LJN. It was signed by Fred Fucks on December 1, 2021.)

The Nerd: How could this happen to me? (throws certificate) With great power, comes great responsibility! And with me, as the head of LJN, I will UNDO the wrongs of the past, and prove that there is gold at the end of this rainbow!

(The Nerd walks to his Commodore 64.)

The Nerd: I will be remaking the LJN game library, starting with Back to the Future, using the same limitations they had back then, except this time, it'll be done right. So... (starts typing) let me introduce to you my game designer, Sam. How're you doin', Sam?

(Sam Beddoes appears in the Nerd's C64 screen.)

Sam Beddoes: Hey Nerd, I'm doin' great! I'm really excited to be working on this. What are you calling me from?

The Nerd: It's, uh, Commodore 64.

Sam Beddoes: How is that eve... it's not important. Listen, Universal have a strict deadline on this, so it has to be ready in time for the Christmas shopping season.

The Nerd: So, um, the actors, likenesses, the music, do we have everything signed off?

Sam Beddoes: Uh, yeah working on it, but it's almost there.

The Nerd: So we want this to be more of a fun action experience you know, racin' around on the skateboard... lots of enemies, characters from the movies.

Sam Beddoes: Ah, sounds good. I'll get to work and report back soon.

The Nerd: Thanks, Sam.

(The Nerd turns off his C64 system.)

The Nerd: That new game's gonna be good. It better be.

While he's workin' on that, I'm gonna get down to business, and review the rest of the LJN library. It's like cleaning the cat piss stain on the back of the litter box. One of these days, you're just gonna have to do it. But how many games are we talking about here?

The LJN stamp appeared primarily on three consoles: the NES, Game Boy, and Super Nintendo, with a few lone poop nuggets.

(Shows two pieces of poops; one labeled as “Genesis” and one labeled as “Dreamcast”, implying that the LJN brand appeared on those consoles at one point)

The Nerd: For reviewing purposes, I'll be grouping them into categories: movie-based games, sports games, Marvel games, wrestling games, and miscellaneous.

In total, I've counted 67 games to the best of my research, including one game console, the LJN Video Art... which thankfully, I've already covered.

LJN Video Art[]

(Clips from when the Nerd reviewed the console are shown)

The Nerd (Episode 133): The joystick moves the cursor about. To draw, or should I say to scribble around like a blind golden lion Tamarin on speed, you hold down the button. And when you're pressing down and rocking the joystick around like this... it squeaks!

(The joystick makes obnoxious squeaks as the Nerd moves it)

The Nerd (Ep 133): Auugh! Auuuuughhh, that's AWFUL!

(Cut to the Nerd in present time)

The Nerd: Yeah - that thing sucked. But anyway, the criteria is that every game must have the LJN logo on the box or the cartridge, with the exception of two that only have LJN on the copyright screen.

(The Nerd holds the "Revolution X" and "Cutthroat Island" cartridges, both on the SNES)

The Nerd: These are just gonna be samplings. Every LJN game will be shown, and after I've finally acknowledged them all, I can move on with my life.

LJN Movie Games[]

(The Nerd walks to the futon and sits down)

The Nerd: First, let's talk about the movie-based games. Now fortunately, I've already covered most of them. Ahhhh, memories. Cue mandatory milestone episode number flashback sequence.

The Karate Kid (NES)[]

(Clips from "The Karate Kid" review are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 3): Well, let me be honest with ya about this one. Ooh boy, I HATE this game.

And if you touch an enemy, ya fly in the opposite direction. You can't get close enough to really attack anybody, so every time you get hit near a pit you're basically dead.

(Daniel LaRusso falls into a pit)

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (NES)[]

(Clips from the "Roger Rabbit" review are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 4): Now this is kinda fun though, you get to punch people.

(Eddie Valiant punches Roger Rabbit)

The Nerd (Ep 4): YEAHHH.

The only thing that’s really annoying is that it takes so long to charge that punch.

(Eddie tries punching the lady, but misses)

The Nerd (Ep 4): (groans) AUGHHHHHH! You know what? It isn't fun. You know, i-it just isn't at all. It's just a pain in the fucking ass.

Back to the Future (NES)[]

(Clips from the "Back to the Future" review are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 6): What are those guys doing with that window anyway? And why are those giant bees always coming out? Gimme a break! And what the fuck is Marty doing when he gets killed? It looks like he's having some kind of seizure. I mean, I guess I'd have a seizure too if there were bees and hula hoop girls, and all this weird shit comin' at me. I mean, just leave me alone! I'm tryin' to collect clocks.

Back to the Future Parts II & III (NES)[]

(Clips from the "Back to the Future Trilogy" episode are shown.)

The Nerd (Ep 94): In this timeline, when Biff brought the Sports Almanac to 1955, it somehow created a world full of piranha plants, killer clouds and evil Martys.

You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear.

Friday the 13th (NES)[]

(Clips from the "Friday the 13th" review are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 12): (sarcastically) Love the way the stones keep missin' the zombies because they go in this nice arc that flies over 'em.

I love how smooth the camera angles are. The overall design, the AstroTurf floors, just ingenious.

(The Nerd gets a Game Over)

The Nerd (Ep 12): That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. (to Jason Voorhees) That's brilliant, right? "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says, "You're fuckin' dead... and your friends too." Beautiful.

"You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive. Your mom's a fuckin' whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're goin' to hell. Live with it. Game Over."

A Nightmare on Elm Street (NES)[]

(Clips from the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" review are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 13): So you play as some dude who has some serious balls because he punches snakes. Right in the fuckin' face. Punch 'em! (grunts twice) Smack 'em around! Assholes! Goddamn fuckin' spiders!

Spiders! Punch 'em! (punches the fake spider seven times)

Snakes! You want some too?! (slaps the fake snake four times, then slams it to the ground)

Could the villains be any more stock? Like, "We have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, and... Frankensteins for the kiddies?" Could it be any more uncreative than that? Like why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game, Boo! Haunted House!

Jaws (NES)[]

(Clips from the "Spielberg Games" episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 101): All you're doin' here is killing time, until the game decides you can go back to the boat. Then you can sail around again until ya hit somethin' else. It's sort of like RPG-style where you run into battles at random. But here, it's always the same undersea scenario. Nothing changes.

The whole thing is just powerin' up so you can fight Jaws! That's all there is to the game. What a waste of time.

So, we're throwin' bombs on jellyfish. Seriously?

Terminator 2: Judgment Day[]

NES version[]

(Clips from the "Terminator (Part 2)" episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 71): Then you come to the boss. Now who is this guy? He's taller than you, and aren't you supposed to be the Terminator? Arnold fuckin' Schwarzenegger?!

But tryin' to shoot the truck and pay attention to all the other stuff at the same time is really frustrating.

OK, well, what was the point? Why couldn't you just collect the bombs and put them where they go? I can only imagine what they were thinking. "Duh! You put these bombs in this thing (deposit slot)." Alright, what next? "Uh, how about you take 'em back out, and you put 'em somewhere else?" It's treatin' us like a fuckin' dog! "Go get the ball, bring it back, go get it again! Heh heh!" Fuckin' dickwads.

Game Boy version[]

The Nerd (Ep 71): Next we have Terminator 2 on Game Boy. The first stage seems simple enough until you reach the laser barrier at the end. So naturally, you walk back to the left tryin' to figure out what to do. Then you find out you can shoot these towers. So I take 'em all down, and still, we have a barrier. Turns out, you gotta shoot down all the towers in order, from tallest to shortest. What a load of random bullshit!

At the end of the second stage, you have to reprogram the Terminator. Okay, is this how John Connor did it? I never thought this part of the story would make it into the game. Basically, you have to mend the wires together so the electric currents go the right way. But you have a time limit, and it always seems to end right when you start to figure out what you're doin'. You can't even pause the game to look at it because the screen goes blank!

SNES version[]

(Clips from “Terminator 2” on SNES are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 71): (commenting on Arnold's jump) What is that good for?! It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. Like holy Lord, that is some fuck right there! Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo!

Oh man, a head-on collision with a truck and a motorcycle, and the truck explodes. This is the absolute WORST driving stage I have ever played. Just... wow. It takes the cake.

T2: The Arcade Game (SNES)[]

(Clips from "T2: The Arcade Game" on SNES are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 71): Gameplay is just as mindless as ever: move the cursor around the screen and shoot everything in sight. Fighting the boss is the most redundant thing of all. It takes more bullets than anything you'll ever see. All ya do is shoot, shoot, shoot.

T2: The Arcade Game (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Oh, but there was also Terminator 2 Arcade on Game Boy, which I said very little about. But that's because there's nothing to say. Look at it!

(Shows monotonous gameplay)

The Nerd: If I heard that, I'd think it was an Atari game. What's the point of taking an arcade, and watering it down to Game Boy? I guess you could take it on the school bus, to the mall... to the arcade.

Bettlejuice[]

Then there was Beetlejuice on NES.

NES version[]

(Clips from the "Beetlejuice" episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 121): So, how does Beetlejuice hold up? Let’s turn on the juice, and see what shakes loose. (inserts the cartridge in the Nintoaster)

(Beetlejuice dies in multiple ways)

The Nerd (Ep 121): Damn! Uuuugh! FUUUUCK! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! RRRRRRRGH! Nope, no, not fun. Game sucks. That's all ya need to know.

Say that to someone in a sentence! "To get a cloud to move, I had to get a skeleton to shoot a fireball at a beehive." When did that ever happen in the movie? And we're talkin' about a movie that's batshit insane.

Game Boy version[]

The Nerd: But I didn't talk about Beetlejuice on Game Boy, based on the cartoon. Uh oh, the ghost got in the washing machine! They're fuckin' shit up! Gotta fight the clothes and the sheet ghost! Which is, um, a sheet with a ghost inside?

So that's the main goal. Ya have to fight all the ghosts, which is the opposite of what Beetlejuice normally does. Doesn't he haunt a house? Not unhaunt it? What next, are the Ghostbusters the ones letting the ghosts in?

There's a bunch of crappy minigames. Here the idea is, who can make the freakiest face? By tapping directions on the D-pad. That’s a new one.

Then there’s a game where you connect pipes. Wow, does this look like fun? No, it isn't. Even Mario and Luigi, who were plumbers, never had to bother with this type of shit!

But the worst, is the stairs. At random, they'll flatten, and send you sliding back down! Motherfuckers. And it keeps happening, over and over, with no pattern or predictability!

(Beetlejuice dies from an enemy)

The Nerd: Augh... ya fuck!

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure[]

NES version[]

(Clips from the "Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure" episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 112): (commenting about the time circuit gameplay) You think they over thought this a little?! How about just a cut scene, showin' the phone booth spiraling into a time warp?

You have to hit one of the pink skulls. One of them takes your coins, the other one makes the last digit appear! So it's a 50% chance you'll get the right one! THAT is some SUPREME BULLSHIT!

How do ya find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things!

"...You wanna play a Bill & Ted game? Well here ya go! Go jumpin' around in the fuckin' bushes and fences! That'll keep ya busy! Have fun!”

(The Nerd jumps into shelves and falls down)

Game Boy version[]

The Nerd: But if you want more fun, you should try out Bill & Ted on Game Boy! Even though I'm tryin' to be sarcastic... it actually is more fun, though very basic.

It’s sort of an old school arcade style thing, where you just go around collecting orbs and dodging a bunch of Abe Lincolns. There’s almost nothing to say, but in this case, that's a good thing. Because this is such a sharp contrast to the NES version. I can’t think of any other example where a Game Boy version is far superior!

Alien 3[]

Another game I already did was Alien 3 on NES.

NES version[]

(Clips from the “Alien 3” episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 114): You can never predict when the aliens are gonna pop out. It requires split-second reaction time.

(Ripley runs too far from the center of the screen and dies to an alien)

The Nerd (Ep 114): …I don’t know, Thing from Addams Family dragging a dildo? Just another addition in this game’s museum of anomalies; Ripley’s Believe It or Go Fuck Yourself.

Game Boy version[]

The Nerd: But wait, there's more! Alien 3 on Game Boy turns Ripley into a stick figure, or, maybe it's an alien, I don't know.

So all I did in this game was walk around like an idiot. There's ladders everywhere, but you can't go up any. Found some alien eggs. Touched 'em, and died. Lots of people walkin' around. Can't talk to them or anything. No hints! No direction! No map! This belongs to a certain genre. Strategy guide seller games.

SNES version[]

The Nerd: But Alien 3 fared a little better on the Super Nintendo. The graphics are good, the music is tense, and the control is smooth. You have a variety of weapons. You can select different missions like, save prisoners or destroy alien eggs.

Though the enemies come a little too often. I wish there was a map. Somethin' like Super Metroid would've helped.

There’s a blueprint system that you find on the wall but any time you’re lost, you have to make it back over there. Kinda like stopping at a gas station before GPS was invented. The best part is the Game Over voice...

Private Hudson (voiceover): Game over, man!

The Nerd: ...which was from Aliens, not Alien 3. But who cares.

True Lies[]

SNES version[]

The Nerd: Well - here's one that I missed in my Arnold Schwarzenegger Games episode, True Lies. It’s one of my favorites of his. Not just for the action, but also the humor.

The game retains some of that humor. Like when you shoot an innocent civilian, your assistant, the Tom Arnold character, gives you shit about it. Also, when you die, he says things like, "You only have one life left!”, as if he’s witnessing you die and resurrect. But wait, what do you do if a civilian is blocking the path?

(Harry tries going through the door, but a server is blocking him)

The Nerd: He won't move!

(The Nerd presses the button to shoot the server blocking Harry, and his assistant complains about it)

The Nerd: But when you fail... THIS happens!

(Harry dies. An explosion sound is heard in-game, and a picture of a mushroom cloud is shown.)

The Nerd: Now that's what you call a Game Over. It really does emphasize the magnitude of the defeat. BOOM! YA LOST, MOTHERFUCKER!

Unfortunately, the game is very monotonous. Even though the scene changes from the mansion, the mall, the park, it’s all the same, top down, run around and shoot crap.

When you think of the movie, you remember the bathroom fight, the horse on the roof chase, the bridge scene, the Jamie Lee Curtis strip dance. I wonder how that would've worked. It does have the plane finale, but it’s just an automatic cutscene.

Game Boy version[]

The Nerd: Oh, and of course, there had to be a Game Boy version. Here, Arnold looks like a pill from Dr. Mario with a gun. It’s the same thing. Shoot bad guys, but avoid civilians. And anytime you shoot, you’re guaranteed to get shot back. It’s better to just walk past them. All in all, it's the same as the Super Nintendo version, just shittier.

(Footage from the movie "True Lies" is shown)

Harry: You're fired.

(Harry shoots the "True Lies" Game Boy cartridge at a helicopter. It explodes into pieces)

Warlock (SNES)[]

The Nerd: LJN even made games based on movies you might not remember, like Warlock.

The graphics and animation are pretty nice. The gameplay is basic enough. Run to the right, blast everything in sight. It’s fine for a bit... 'til you realize how resilient these enemies are. Stay down ya zombie fuck! STAY DOWN!

Then you run into these archers. Die you fuck bugger! And every time you get hit, you get knocked back half a screen.

(The Nerd struggles to defeat an archer)

The Nerd: Look how long it takes to beat this guy! Die! DIE! DIE! Oh my God, when are they gonna die?! WHEN ARE THEY GONNA DIE?! Oh my God...

Then these gargoyles keep comin' at me and they take just as long to kill. Every enemy is like a mini boss battle! The control is clumsy; you can't attack and move at the same time.

When you die, it sends you back to the title screen. Instead of simply continuing, you have to go to "Preparations", that brings up a menu with the password option. You enter the password, and then you wait through a cut scene with a book. And being a magic wizard and all, I can't see how water kills you. And it’s not clear how I'm supposed to make this jump, anyway.

Hey. I got a magic trick.

(The Nerd covers his right fist with a piece of paper towel. When he takes off the paper towel, he reveals he was holding a middle finger)

Cutthroat Island (SNES)[]

The Nerd: LJN even made a game based on the '95 swashbuckling adventure, Cutthroat Island, which, according to the Guinness World Record, as of 2012, was the biggest box office failure of all time! Oh - and then add LJN, it's the perfect storm.

So the first level is... okay. It's just a dumb beat 'em up game with cartoonish graphics. The animation is good. There's a variety of sword swipes and rolls you can perform. It's not bad, really... until you get to the next level. Now you're in a wooden cart ramming into enemies. You just mow them all down. Seems simple enough, but if you hit a rock or a tree, you die instantly. There's no death animation, it just fades to black and restarts the stage, so if you blink, you might not even notice what happened. Like when I hit this guy, I had no idea how I lost, but it turns out, you need to avoid him! But how the hell was I supposed to know that? You run over everyone else; why not him?!

Alright, let's check on Sam.

(The Nerd gets up, walks over to the C64 system, and turns it on)

The Nerd: Hey, Sam! How's the game comin'?

Sam Beddoes: Yeah, uh, she's pretty good you know all things considered I mean, the NES is a little harder to program for than I expected but you know it's, it's comin' together you can see. Well hey, why don't you try it out for yourself? It’s an early build, but I think it's promising.

(The Nerd suddenly has a prototype cartridge)

The Nerd: Quick delivery. (inserts cartridge into Nintendo Entertainment System)

(The Nerd begins playing the prototype game. Marty is jumping through obstacles and jumping on enemies against a blue background)

The Nerd: Alright... okay, it's a good start. I mean we need some kind of power ups, here. So can we put Hill Valley in the background there, have some time travel, get the DeLorean up to 88?

Sam Beddoes: Yeah, w-we got time.

The Nerd: Maybe have the holographic shark?

Sam Beddoes: Oh, totally as a boss fight!

The Nerd: Do we get all the actors to sign off yet?

Sam Beddoes: Yeah, yeah, well, well, well, well, no, uh, working on it. It- It’s almost there.

The Nerd: It's a good start. But yeah, there's a lot left to do.

Sam Beddoes: Oh, let's get back to work!

The Nerd: I'll check in on you again soon.

(The Nerd turns off his C64 system)

The Nerd: It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good.

LJN Sports Games[]

(The Nerd cuts back sitting on the futon with the LJN logo displays on his TV screen)

The Nerd: Once again, the mission here is to sample every LJN game. I've already taken care of the movie-based games, but now let's get into the sports games, which is a little bit of a problem for me because I don’t know anything about basketball. Or baseball. Or football.

NBA Games[]

NBA All-Star Challenge (SNES)[]

The Nerd: So first is NBA All-Star Challenge on Super Nintendo. From what I saw on the menu screen, it’s only a bunch of one-on-one games.

Graphics are good. The reflections on the floor are a nice touch. But this is no NBA Jam. Not very intuitive and of course, I don’t know how to play basketball but you think I would be able to figure out a video game. "Goal Tending", "Blocking", "Traveling", what the fuck?! I suck so much at this it's embarrassing! I'm making Michael Jordan look bad! Imagine if he was actually controlled by some shitty video game nerd.

(Shows clips of real-world Michael Jordan trying to slam dunk a basket, but constantly fails as if the Nerd is controlling him)

NBA All-Star Challenge (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Then there's a Game Boy version. What am I supposed to do with this? It's the same game, but even more awkward, with worse graphics! And listen to it.

(Plays 8-bit sounds coming from the game)

The Nerd: They tried to emulate the sounds of the shoe squeaking on the floor. Well, they tried. The ball dribbling sounds like farting against a sheet of aluminum.

(Plays the 8-bit sound sounding just that)

NBA All-Star Challenge 2 (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: But if that weren't enough, the Game Boy game got a sequel, NBA All-Star Challenge 2.

Yeah! An exclusive sequel for the Game Boy! Now, this one's gotta be a massive improvement because, why else release a second portable game?

(Shows gameplay of NBA All-Star Challenge 2, but it's mostly similar to the first one)

The Nerd: IT'S THE SAME THING!

Oh okay, they added audience in the background. Well, that makes it worth it. Because that’s what you want. Who wants to play a fucking game with no crowd? That’s something I’d buy again; just to have the new special audience background edition, OR THEY COULD'VE JUST HAD THE CROWD IN THE FIRST GAME!

I was even flipping through the player stats just to see if anything else changed. If Larry Bird gained a pound or some shit. Ooh shit, his “PPG Average” went up!

I want to know that shit! Somebody’s weight changes, buy it again! Somebody changed his team, buy it again! Somebody's score changes, buy it again! New paint on the court, BUY IT AGAIN! AAH! SPORTS! (furiously chugs a can of Rolling Rock)

MLB Games[]

The Nerd: Now we’re into baseball games, and there’s already enough baseball games on NES, but LJN has to throw their hat in the ring or some other baseball pun if I had one.

Major League Baseball (NES)[]

The Nerd: So first, there was Major League Baseball on NES. More like major... shit!

(The Nerd is selecting battlers for the Baltimore Orioles Team)

The Nerd: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down here! What am I lookin' at?

The entire screen is just a wall of numbers and shit. “Select 1st Batter”? Okay… “Select 2nd Batter”? Okay… “Select 3rd Batter”? “4th Batter”?

(The Nerd tries to select a 5th batter, but the game won’t let him)

The Nerd: Oh! Can't select that one!

So I got up to eight batters and now it starts asking me to select pitchers. Look at this! I’ve never seen more stats and information outside of Dungeons & Dragons!

Man. To be into sports, you gotta be a nerd!

Okay, so when I finally get to the actual game, it’s pretty much what you expect; it’s baseball. Batting, I have no luck I mean, what exactly is the hitbox in a baseball game? But when I’m pitching, the other team hits almost everything! It’s going. It’s gone! The crowd goes… flashing in colors!

Roger Clemens MVP Baseball (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Then we come to Roger Clemens MVP Baseball, which was a trilogy including an NES, Game Boy, and Super Nintendo version, which is often the case with LJN.

They put the same game on all three, so you have the choice of shit light, shit medium, and pure grain ultra shit, which is the Game Boy one. You take one look at it, there it is. It's baseball. Move on.

Roger Clemens MVP Baseball (NES)[]

The Nerd: The NES version is the same thing, with better graphics. But the one thing about these games that sets them apart from Major League Baseball is that after the ball is hit, instead of going to an overhead view, it goes to a third person view and whenever the switch happens, it’s a little disorienting at first. And as far as batting goes, I never got the chance because I started off pitching, and the other team hits everything! So it’s like an eternal never ending game of baseball, which to me is the very definition of Hell.

Roger Clemens MVP Baseball (SNES)[]

The Nerd: The Super Nintendo version, aside from having better graphics and an impressive intro cutscene, is no better. It’s the same game, with the same problems. I get confused every time the perspective switches, and I never get a chance to bat! Charlie Brown would have better luck. And I’m not kidding! The other team hits. Every. Fucking. Ball!

(To the tune of a baseball anthem) Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Fuck fuck fuck FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! MOTHER THE FUCK, THE FUCK!

NFL Games[]

The Nerd: Now it’s time for motherfuckin' football, with just plain ass NFL. Not as blunt as Football on Atari, but simple, just the same. No Madden, no year, none of that shit. As natural as a nature trail. Undiluted, genuine, uncontaminated, straighter to the point than the co-nose of a fresh expelled cat turd! Not named after the amount of yards, the field is, or the length it takes for your dog to walk to take a shit! Not named after the TV channel, or a college, or the type of skin on the ball! No Montana, Colorado, ESPN, ES go fuck yourself! JUST PLAIN ASS PERFECTION! (slams fist on futon) AS UNDISPUTABLE AS DEATH! THREE LETTERS! UP YOUR ASS! N! F! L!

(The Nerd furiously throws the game cartridge into the NES)

NFL (NES)[]

The Nerd: Okay, the game goes on for two seconds, and now I'm stuck on some kind of countdown. What's goin' on here? Anything I press, the referee stops the counter. "Delay of Game"?

I can't believe I'm sayin' this... but just let me play some fuckin' football! HAVE THE DECENCY TO LET ME BEGIN MY SUFFERING!

So once again, the game starts up for two seconds, who am I, which team, where’s the ball, and before I have a chance to mentally process anything, I’m back to this damn timer! Of course I know nothing about football, but don’t you think I’d at least be able to mess around and figure out something?

NFL Quarterback Club (SNES)[]

The Nerd: Next, is NFL Quarterback Club on Super Nintendo. Okay, let’s see here. Pick the game type. “Preseason”, “New Season” who cares? “Rookie” whatever. “Teams”. “Home” or “Away”. Oh, you have to pick the weather now?

Pick the weather? How far could you possibly go?

(The Nerd comes to a choice of making the field “Grass” or “Turf”. He stops in shock)

The Nerd: (puts down the SNES controller and sighs) Oh the decisions in life. Should you go to college, should you get married, divorced, should you move into an apartment or a house, should you have a kid or adopt, or have a pet? But then, comes a question greater than any in the history of human civilization. A question that concerns the very ground on which we stand! It’s the fundamental surface of the warriors' trial! From the ancient coliseums to the arena fields! It’s the very vegetation that grows beneath! It’s the cycle of life! IT’S A PIVOTAL DECISION THAT WILL FOREVER ALTER THE COURSE OF TIME! IT’S HUMANITY’S MOST CRITICAL JUDGMENT! THE FATE OF ALL EXISTENCE DEPENDS ON IT! AND NOW, AT THIS MAJOR TURNING POINT, AS YOU STAND AT THE BURNING CROSSROADS UNDER THE LIGHT OF GOD, AND ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT'LL IT BE?! GRASS?! OR TURF?!" That’s a VERY important decision!

(Cut to a scene from “The Karate Kid Part II”)

Daniel LaRusso: Grass or turf, man?

Chozen Toguchi: Grassss!

(The Nerd continues the game)

The Nerd: Okay, so after I picked the- (laughs) "Grass", the game eventually started. For about two seconds.

(Grunting sounds from the football players are heard ingame. The Nerd also makes grunting sounds as he plays the game)

The Nerd: Set! Hwah!

(The Nerd throws the NFL game cartridge at another clone of him, who catches it. Multiple Nerds make grunting sounds and run into various obstacles. However, it’s revealed that The Nerd is imagining it. Then, The Nerd tackles another Nerd)

The Nerd: Sorry, got a little carried away there. Anyway, the game sucks. Should've picked turf.

NFL Quarterback Club (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Then there was NFL Quarterback Club on Game Boy, which was a totally different game, where you’re running from a side angle through like an obstacle course. And then a view from behind as you throw balls at targets. So football games weren’t enough, you also have football practice games.

NFL Quarterback Club 2 (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Then there's NFL Quarterback Club 2, which doesn't even have a "2" on the title screen. Yeah, this was a real headache to sort all this out. And the game, well, it's the same as Super Nintendo.

(The Nerd plays the game, and shrugs. He begins running into various obstacles and making grunting sounds again. Then, he is suddenly at his Commodore 64 system)

The Nerd: Let's check on Sam. (turns on his C64 system)

Sam Beddoes: Hey Nerd.

The Nerd: Hey, how's it goin'?

Sam Beddoes: Yeah, it’s comin' along. Try it out.

(The Nerd begins playing the prototype game. Marty is jumping through obstacles, collecting clocks, and stomping on enemies.)

The Nerd: O-Okay. Um, wha-... Clocks? Really? Clocks again?

Sam Beddoes: Uh you know, time! Isn’t it?

The Nerd: I- Okay, we need to change the clocks. We can’t have clocks in the game.

Sam Beddoes: Got it, got it, right, changin' the clocks. No clocks.

The Nerd: You didn’t get the licensing, did you?

Sam Beddoes: Uh… the hoverboard… uh, that we got that. It’s it’s pink and yellow.

The Nerd: How are you supposed to control this?

Sam Beddoes: Yes, so there’s like an acceleration, deceleration thing going on there so it feels kind of like uh… actually hovering on a hoverboard. I’m still working on getting it to be actually playable.

The Nerd: Yeah, playable! That would be… somethin'.

Sam Beddoes: Yeah yeah, it’ll get there.

The Nerd: The holographic shark. W-what is going on with it?

Sam Beddoes: Okay, so the-the NES couldn’t actually do like transparencies so to make something look kind of transparent, you had a frame where you could see it and a frame where you couldn’t see it. See? You can see it’s like flashing on and off and if you put on a really old CRT TV, it kind of looks transparent and you only get a tiny little bit of a headache!

The Nerd: A tiny bit of a headache. Okay, t-this really needs to get fixed. How much time do we have to finish this again?

Sam Beddoes: (checks his watch) Uh… Ah! Um… plenty of time. We're good.

(The Nerd turns off his C64 system)

The Nerd: Alright. Well, that'll get strained out. Anyway, we already took care of the LJN sports games.

LJN Marvel Games[]

The Nerd: So next, let’s check out the LJN Marvel games which consist of Spider-Man, X-Men, and The Punisher. First up, the Spider-Man games. Luckily, I already covered some of them.

Spider-Man Games[]

Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (NES)[]

(Clips from the Spider-Man episode are shown)

The Nerd (Episode 24): The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.

There's no, like jump kick move, like you can't jump and then do an attack.

Spider-Man: Well then, don't do that move!

The Nerd (Ep 24): Look, now what's he doing? He’s not gonna come up! I can't even tell if I'm hitting him!

Spider-Man: Do it, dammit!

The Nerd (Ep 24): Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

(Spider-Man dies to a rat)

Spider-Man and The Nerd (Ep 24): IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!

Spider-Man: IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRAP!

(Spider-Man uses his web to take out the game cartridge from the Nerd's NES, and smashes it to the ground)

The Amazing Spider-Man (Game Boy)[]

(Clips from "The Amazing Spider-Man" on Game Boy are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 24): ...Amazing Spider-Man and believe it or not, the control is even worse. The punch is delayed like a full second later.

How do I get up?

Spider-Man: Jump! Jump!

The Nerd (Ep 24): I am jumping! Look, it won't-

Oh my God, I can't- I tried to jump, I swear!

Spider-Man: Goddammit!

IT'S HORRIBLE! (throws the Game Boy on the ground)

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: But there's more! The Game Boy version had sequels! Oh yes! Here comes Spider-Man 2.

I can’t blame myself for missing it. It looks similar, but the controls are very different, especially the way the web works. You got to stick onto things and sort of like, ugah… like just swing yourself around.

It-It’s kind of like uh… You know like uh… like Spider-Man.

Yeah, it's a good attempt, unlike the first Game Boy game, where the web was automatic. Here, it's more calculated, until you run out. Now you're on your own. So you go around fighting enemies, climbing walls. It’s your usual friendly neighborhood Spider-Man game. What’s this? A dead end?

(Spider-Man dies to the electric fence)

The Nerd: Ooh! Literally a dead end! Well, I'll know next time not to touch the electric fence!

Well damn. What's next, Spider-Man 3 on Game Boy? Yeah.

The Amazing Spider-Man 3: Invasion of the Spider-Slayers (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Who would've guessed this would be a trilogy? Spider-Man 3: Invasion of the Spider-Slayers, oh boy.

When it starts, you’re just running around a park beating people up. Then you reach a dead end, at least one that doesn’t kill you this time. So you’re just running back and forth taking out enemies until finally, an arrow appears at the bottom and lets you leave the stage.

Next thing, I’m fighting a xenomorph alien! I mean, it looks exactly like Alien.

Then there's some weird boss. Is it a bird? A robot claw? I don't know, but it's the shyest boss in game history. Won't come anywhere inside the screen. So fuck this!

Spider-Man and the X-Men in Arcade’s Revenge (SNES)[]

The Nerd: Moving on to the Super Nintendo, we have Spider-Man and X-Men in Arcade's Revenge. At first I thought it meant the arcade machine was gonna get revenge, but it's actually the name of the villain.

You start out as Spider-Man, and I don’t mean to say everything always sounds like farts, but when your Spidey-senses go off, just listen!

(Plays the Spider-Sense sound effect)

The Nerd: The goal is to collect these little things in a specific order, as if just fighting your way to the end of the stage wouldn’t have been enough.

So the game just started and already, it’s an annoying maze. At least there’s arrows to tell you where to go so I’m just going to follow… Uh… Wait wait wait wait, which which way now?

Wha- Uh- Left! Right! Down! Up! Left! Right! Left! Down! Up!

The arrows can’t even make up their minds.

After you clear the level, you get a character select screen. Each character has their own stage. Wolverine's fighting clowns, Jack-in-the-boxes with machine guns, and toy soldiers from Wizard of Oz.

Storm’s level is an underwater stage. I figured she’d be flying, not swimming.

And here’s Cyclops’ stage. What the fuck? The floor’s electric?! That scream is hilarious by the way.

(Plays Cyclops’ death scream)

And look at that silly kick. Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

So to avoid the floor, always make sure to ride the cart. There we go! All good!

(The minecart explodes, and Cyclops dies. In response to this, the Nerd drops his SNES controller and uses his left hand as a UFO to reveal a middle finger)

Spider-Man and the X-Men in Arcade's Revenge (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: And if you wanted Arcade's Revenge on the go, well, here’s the Game Boy version. Same game. Same old shit. Nothing more to say. Except that wall climbing. Oh man. Get up there! Get up there! Damn it! Ahh!

Spider-Man (SNES)[]

The Nerd: There is another one on Super Nintendo just called Spider-Man, though it's based on the animated series. Gotta love that song.

Robotic Singer: Spider-Man! Spider-Man! The radioactive Spider-Man! Spi-

(The Nerd lip-syncs with the song)

The Nerd: It's another action game. It's colorful, and appealing, at first. Love Spider-Man's walk cycle. Walkin' like a tough guy. Reminds me of Henery Hawk.

You can even punch computers. Make 'em explode! Yeah! That’s how I feel whenever my computer gives me shit!

What’s this? Am I standing on an NES console? Anyway, you just gotta go around fighting enemies. Seems all fine and dandy, until you come to this barricade. Motherfucker, I tried kicking it over and over, till finally I managed to knock it down. Persistence and luck.

But there is one more LJN Spider-Man game on Super Nintendo, that I covered already.

Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage (SNES)[]

(Clips from the "Wish List Part 2" episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 117): Let’s end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played enough Spider-Man games!

Well, it's a beat-'em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. It can be a little frustrating but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.

I found a good Spider-Man game! Who made this game?

(The Nerd turns to the upper side of the game box, and to his shock, it was published by LJN)

The Nerd (Ep 117): THEY MADE A GAME THAT’S NOT SHIT! (yells) IT’S NOT SHIT! (passes out)

The Nerd: Yeah, I couldn't find much to complain there. But anyway, let's move on to the X-Men games. Now there were two on NES by LJN... and thankfully, I covered these as well.

X-Men Games[]

The Uncanny X-Men (NES)[]

(Clips from the X-Men episode are shown)

The Nerd (Ep 69): Rather stick your dick in a piranha's mouth! (inserts game cartridge in Nintendo Entertainment System)

Here we go: Marvel's X-Men.

Look at this. Cluttered pixels, scrambled textures, shit flyin' everywhere, it's a disaster. The characters look like stiff mangled colored shapes that barely represent who they're supposed to be. Cyclops looks the same as Storm. All they did was recycle the same character and color them all different.

...Don't ever give the computer a character with a projectile. Because look, it's like giving a little kid ten pounds of sugar and a Super Soaker. It goes apeshit! And it never, ever stops.

Okay, what's happening now? I'm frozen? What the hell? (Iceman dies) Oh, that's nice. Isn't that fair? That's like tying my hands behind my back. And how can I be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from Top Gun.

Wolverine (NES)[]

(Clips from Wolverine on NES are shown. The Nerd inserts the game cartridge in the NES and turns it on.)

The Nerd (Ep 69): Every time you use your claws, it drains your life. So that kinda defeats the whole purpose, right? So just forget the claws; it would be nice to use 'em, but you can't.

The ducking is incredibly delayed. When you push Down, it doesn't just duck like any other game, it goes into this little animation. It's unnecessary, and it makes it hard to avoid getting hit by something.

Oh, fuck you! How cheap is it to put the burger right on top of a... a propeller?

Look at this, it's fuckin' impossible!

Almost dead. Gotta get the beer!

(Wolverine dies to a propeller)

The Nerd (Ep 69): URGH! I've had it up to my ASS with this piece of shit! In conclusion, this game's way better than the other one, but it's still a pile of donkey dicks.

Wolverine: Adamantium Rage (SNES)[]

The Nerd: But they also made a Wolverine game on Super Nintendo, Adamantium Rage.

There’s no color scheme. Everything looks like a mess. The controls take time to get used to. Any simple button command sends me flying, jumping and somersaulting all over the place like a maniac. It’s a confusing maze with background doors that you can’t go in. I keep getting lost!

And look how jittery Wolverine’s movement is! He only goes fast, and still. Two geared diarrhea. And falling through platforms? Oh yeah, gotta have that.

But at least you can dig at the floor, like a cat burying its shit.

Everything I press does some stupid move, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to go because everything looks the same! Right about now, I’m feeling some adamantium rage.

(The Nerd puts down his SNES controller, blows to his closed fist, and gets out a middle finger claw)

The Punisher Games[]

The Punisher (NES)[]

The Nerd: Next up, The Punisher! I once made Pat play this game but I’ve never actually reviewed it myself. But that’s because there’s almost nothing to say! It’s just a crosshair point and shoot game. It’s so bland. It doesn’t even have music most the time! As a rental, in 1990, it wasn’t bad as a time killer, just blasting away everything on screen just as you’re blasting away your brain cells. If it moves, shoot it. If it doesn’t move, shoot it.

During the boss fight, you can use your fists and feet. And after you kill them, it says “R.I.P”.

Wow. In video games, you don’t think about all the people you kill. You take it for granted. But here comes a game that reminds you of the mortality to rub it in your face and say, “This man is dead! And you killed him! Hope you’re happy!”

The Punisher: The Ultimate Payback (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Then came The Punisher: Ultimate Payback on Game Boy. As expected, it's much more primitive. But the shocking thing, it has music. So that’s one major advantage over the NES version. You have to avoid shooting innocent people, even though it just takes some life away. I mean you'd think there'd be bigger consequences than that.

And when an enemy takes a hostage, you just gotta watch your aim. And then Spider-Man comes in!

Hoh! Spider-Man's in this game! It’s the Game Boy Cinematic Universe.

(Ingame text from Spider-Man is shown: “Well, I suppose that you did OK, Punisher.”)

The Nerd: And that covers the Marvel games.

(The Nerd walks over to his C64 system and turns it on)

The Nerd: All right Sam, how's the game comin'?

Sam Beddoes: Uh, you know, it's gettin' there, but uh, I mean there's a little bit of sprite flicker. Uh... Why don't you try it out?

(The Nerd plays the prototype game again. This time, clocks are replaced with hourglasses and there are death blocks in the stage)

The Nerd: Hourglasses?

Sam Beddoes: Well, you said no clocks.

The Nerd: No! We need somethin' else!

Sam Beddoes: ...Sundials?

The Nerd: W-w-wait. D-death blocks?! Oh, these remind me of somethin'.

Sam Beddoes: Uh, well see that that would be that'll be a thing called developer difficulty, where if you are testing your own game 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and not sleeping, you get really good at it and so the game ends up like way, way harder than you think it is.

The Nerd: Yeah, we need to tone down the difficulty.

Sam Beddoes: It's okay, okay, we got a focus group lined up. Universal has done it for us.

The Nerd: W-wait, everything's flickering!

Sam Beddoes: Yeah, that's um, that's the NES uh, the uh, I can't do too many sprites on the screen at once, otherwise it starts flickerin'. I'm still workin' on the solution for that whole thing.

The Nerd: Okay, I can't even control which way I'm supposed to be going!

Okay, well, maybe, can we move on to another console?

Sam Beddoes: That would entail starting over from scratch.

The Nerd: All right. Keep it on the NES! Get it fixed!

(The Nerd turns off his C64 system and sighs)

The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: What were you thinking?!

The Nerd: Ah!

The Nerd: (pants) Oh God... Oh, I gotta focus on my task here: acknowledge every LJN game... and then, I can move on.

LJN Wrestling Games[]

The Nerd: Well, let's get to the Wrestling Games next. Now there were three on NES brandishing the LJN logo... and thankfully, I've already talked about them.

WWF Games on NES[]

(The Nerd looks at WWF WrestleMania Challenge and sees the LJN logo. He recoils as if he was punched by a wrestler. He sees the LJN logo on WWF WrestleMania Steel Cage Challenge and recoils even stronger. He sees the LJN logo on WWF King of the Ring and falls back against his couch)

The Nerd (Ep 149): Tryin' to hit a guy here, is like tryin' to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while André the Giant farts directly into your nostrils.

Steel Cage Challenge, well, it has a steel cage mode... if you like glimpsing the wrestlers through the cage. Get the cage out of the way; I can't see anything!

Just kick him to the ground and repeatedly stomp his dick, then pin him for the slowest three count in history. (The Nerd pins his opponent and waits for the game to finish the three count.)

The Nerd: One funny thing I forgot to mention was that both in Wrestle Mania challenge and King of the Ring, You could play as yourself. What the hell was that suppose to mean, It's not like you can customize it to actually look like yourself.

WWF King of the Ring (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: King of The Ring also had a Game Boy version, it's similar to the NES Version, but even more awkward, and with Atari sounds.

WWF more like WTF.

WWF Superstars (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: WWF Superstars was a big improvement, better graphics, has music during the match, but whenever the characters get close, their bodies sort of fuse together, it's weird.

WWF Superstars 2 (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: Then there's WWF Superstars 2. Hey it's on the title screen and they're already wrestling. It's impressive they include the wrestler's theme songs.

You have the option to fight in the cage match, which I don't really see the point of, But hey each Game Boy version is an improvement over the last.

WWF Games on SNES[]

The Nerd: Next up we have a trilogy on Super Nintendo. In my wrestling episode, I trashed all three of these games, but I have to admit these were fun.

The first was WWF Super Wrestle Mania, it had a great character lineup and seeing the faces all digitized was new and exciting, it gave you the option of flighting one on one or tag team, and you had a variety of moves to pull off, you could jump off the ropes, and even fight outside the ring, it introduced a grapple system where you got to tap the button real fast to perform a move.

So if you're playing with a friend, it's all about who has the fastest thumbs, and that's when it gets crazy, you gotta fucking tap that shit like grease lightning and if you're both the same speed, it'll go on forever. Yeah, you haven't experienced anything until you've been in a fucking thumb war over LJN wrestling games on Super Nintendo. Yeah!

The second in the trilogy was WWF Royal Rumble, This is the one I used to play the most as a kid, I always remember how when you flip the through the character screens, their theme song plays, I had never heard such awesome synthesized metal coming through my Super Nintendo. Sometimes I'd cycle through these tunes and just let it play in my room. Yeah!

The game itself functions like the last one, but improved with the option of the royal rumble of course, this is where it gets nuts, having all those characters fill the ring, unleashing pure chaos and pandemonium, and if you get thrown out, you can still sit back and watch the rest of the fight.

The third in the trilogy was WWF Raw and Wow, what a trippy opening, at first I thought the game was glitching. So this version is like royal rumble on crack, now there's mega moves and finishing moves, I don't know but at a certain point, I think enough is enough, the computer opponents are much harder I have to say, Overall, It's fun crazy wrestling action, and the chair hit never gets old.

That's my favorite wrestling trope, there just happens to be a chair there, so might as well hit somebody, only problem they usually don't want to come near. Come on, anybody, who wants to get hit by a chair?

WWF Raw (Game Boy)[]

The Nerd: But then of course, there was WWF Raw on Game Boy. Going from the Super Nintendo, to these tiny characters on a portable screen? Yeah. The fixed camera angle with a wide view of the ring doesn't help. The grapple button mashing is way more tiring on the D-pad, so, I say fuck it. And that covers the Wrestling Games.

(The Nerd gets up, walks over to the C64 system, and turns it on)

The Nerd: Alright Sam, how's the game lookin'?

Sam Beddoes: Yeah this is okay, so I got the feedback from the focus group, uh the, the difficulty is too high. The game is too easy, uh, too many enemies, not enough opponents to fight with, um, somebody says that they really want hula girls and a bowling ball weapon.

The Nerd: This is... horrible! Do we even have any um, any power-ups at all now?

Sam Beddoes: Uh well, you said no... no hourglasses, so the time kind runs out a bit quick.

The Nerd: What's happening with the music here?

Sam Beddoes: Okay, so we, we have the Power of Love, uh and um, Well we couldn't you know the licensing and everything so I sped it right up, so you can't even recognize it, because I didn't have time to write a new song.

The Nerd: Oh oh No no, You didn't, You didn't put the.... (grunts) The bowling ball!

Sam Beddoes: Since anyone knows the focus group wanted the bowling balls man, I don't know why?

The Nerd: Who wanted bowling balls?! Oh, the flickering is... is worse. Oh, the controls are worse! Oh we, we are spiraling into the toilet here.

Sam Beddoes: Uh, uh just well they have you, uh we do need to nix the time travel, uh, and the Hill Valley background, uh, and a few other things just because of time constrains.

The Nerd: Fine! Fine. Just make it playable. Make it work. How much time do we have to fix this?

Sam Beddoes: Okay, well the, the deadline is uh, let me take a look, two hours from now, hope you got a flux capacitor.

The Nerd: Alright, you got one last chance! Don't FUCK this up!

(The Nerd turns off his C64 system)

Roll & Rocker[]

The Nerd: Alright, let's finish the LJN library. But before we end this, it's worth mentioning they also made a gaming accessory, the Roll & Rocker, which I already covered.

The Nerd (Ep 47): It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?!

(the Nerd takes a closer look at the back to find it's made by LJN, the company notorious for publishing awful NES games.)

The Nerd (Ep 47): (quietly but angrily) Son-of-a-bitch.

(Beetlejuice just walks in place)

The Nerd (Ep 47): I'm drinkin' Rollin' Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rollin' Rock... Roll & Rocker! Ye-heah, Rollin' Rock ON the Roll & Rocker!

(the Nerd drinks more Rolling Rock)

LJN Miscellaneous Games[]

Pictionary (NES)[]

The Nerd: But now, let's get into all the miscellaneous games, the LJN leftovers. First up is Pictionary. That's right, the word guessing drawing game, now on your NES. Seems like a good idea actually. How could you screw that up? The free drawing game, where you can just doodle whatever you want, is so bad, it almost rivals the LJN Video Art.

It controls like garbage, the way you have to rotate the tool around and how it speeds away like a runaway rocket makes you wish you had an Etch-a-Sketch instead. And the erase sound effect...

I think I've heard that before. Is that from Ghostbusters?

The Nerd (Ep 21): (crosses the streams, the Ghostbusters turn into pixels and a funny 8-bit noise is heard) Now THAT'S epic.

The Nerd: When you play the main game, it becomes immediately clear that this is not the Pictionary you'd except, there's a game on the side that has an astronaut kicking around balls or firefighters catching people out a window who won't wait their turn, or a guy carrying crates, don't you hate it when you're trying to stack crates and frog heads keep bothering you? The idea is to last as long as possible in these mini-games, as the more points you get, the more of the picture on the right gets uncovered, when you lose the mini-game, You're left to solve the word for the picture even if the picture is nowhere near complete, so I've been able to guess many of them, but when you can barely see much of it, what's the point. How am I supposed to know what that is? How about fuck you!

(The middle finger show up after the guess, leaving The Nerd surprised.)

Gotcha! The Sport (NES)[]

The Nerd: One game I remember as a kid was Gotcha! The Sport. When I saw the cover, I was intrigued because I thought that red splash was blood, but it's actually a paintball capture the flag style game, thank god The Punisher's not playing. The interesting thing is that the game was part of a marketing franchise of toy guns for kids that shot washable paint, they were made by LJN's enter tech division, the other weird thing is that it's sorta based on the comedy action film Gotcha! from 85. I'd put this in the movie category, but it's such a loose adaption. So it uses the NES Zapper and controller at the same time, so use the d-pad to go left and right and the zapper to fire obviously, all you do is blast people with your paintballs and try to capture the flag.

Well, it's not that great, but what do you except from an NES zapper game made by LJN that sorta kinda maybe based on a movie and that's part of a line of paintball guns for kids.

T&C Surf Design (NES)[]

The Nerd: Surf's up dudes, It's T&C Surf Design, I've reviewed this one in rhyme before if you remember that, but let's take another look. There's two sections, Skateboarding and Surfing, The skateboarding is self-explanatory, you just gotta dodge everything while trying to make the fastest time, and I don't understand the hit boxes or anything. Look at this, I just fell into the side of a hole. Man I could never skateboard, even in a game, I mean skateboarding is like some kind of high level wizardry, Tony Hawk and shit, it's fucking crazy man. Skate or Die, for me it's the latter.

Oh, That's gotta hurt.

(The Skateboarder hits an Oil Barrel)

The Nerd: Owwww!

(The Skateboarder then lands to the cement ground and slides with a bloody trail, bashing multiple oil barrels)

The Nerd: Ohhhhh!

The surfing stage is one that goes down as one of the unholiest of ass fests, the controls, I couldn't figure out as a kid, and I can't figure them out now. You just keep getting sucked into this wave, not to mention, what's up with the choice of characters, The gorilla looks like some kind of generic cartoon, but the other one, uh....

Hang on, hang on, Somebody decided, that should be a character, Yeah we have this rad surfing game, what kind of character should we have? I don't know, how about a cat in a tuxedo. But it's not just a cat, it's a man's body with a cat's head, anyway, man this game sucks, wish I could be that guy casually floating at the bottom, he's got the life, but not me, I can't relax, I gotta flip some shit at the top of the waves here.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Oh Wow! Oh, Yes, Yes! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(The Nerd makes a magic trick, drinks a Rolling Rock can, throws it as it has an SNES cartridge style domino set, While the Wario Land 2 cartridge gets launched, bumps a stack of Game Boy covers, with a Hello Kitty Game Boy Color game falling down, bumps the other Rolling Rock can that's not open, with the string being pulled, and then The Nerd gives the middle finger.)

T&C Surf Design 2: Thrilla's Surfari (NES)[]

The Nerd: But hey, guess what, there is a sequel, T&C 2: Thrilla's Surfari. So the plot concerns Thrilla Gorilla, Wait wait wait wait wait, a plot? Wow! They really put a lot more thought into this one. So, Thrilla's girlfriend, his human girlfriend named Barbie Bikini is captured by a witch doctor, so it's the standard rescue the girl bullshit, the stages alternate between skateboarding and surfing, it's more action based than the previous game, you race through fighting enemies and jumping hurdles.

(Thrilla Gorilla explodes)

The Nerd: (Shocked) Oh my god! He exploded! Let's see that again.

(Thrilla Gorilla explodes again)

The Nerd: It's a thousand times more playable than the other game, but fuck them both.

The Nerd: (Singing Surfin' Bird) Everybody's heard about The Nerd! Nerd Nerd Nerd! Nerd's the word. Nerd Nerd Nerd! Nerd's the word. Nerd Nerd Nerd! Nerd's the word. Don't you know about The Nerd, everybody knows that The Nerd is the word. Surfin' Nerd!

Seagull: (Laughs) Wipeout!

The Incredible Crash Dummies (NES)[]

The Nerd: Next up, Crash Dummies. Good thing I took care of that one.

NES version[]

The Nerd (Ep 180): Everything is just flat and lifeless. The character animation looks really stupid. Everyone walks like they're holding in a huge shit. You know, like when ya have to go so bad, it feels like the poop's pressing into your pelvic bone?

Game Boy version[]

The Nerd: But there's also Crash Dummies on Game Boy. So this one's just a bunch of mini-games. You start out falling from a building and are supposed to crash into as many things as possible on the way down. Was that supposed to happen? It's a game where you're a crash dummy, who crashes into shit! How do ya know when ya die?! The next screen says "that was boring". Yep, I'll leave it at that.

SNES version[]

The Nerd: Then there was the Super Nintendo version, a simple side-scroller. With 16 bits, you'd think they'd shift the quality to the next gear, but instead, they cut the corners. Fair gameplay takes a back seat to this half-assed accident that'll let the air outta your tires till ya crash and burn!

Sega Genesis version[]

The Nerd: There's also a Genesis version, which was identical. It was typical of Acclaim to put the same game on both consoles, while only putting the LJN stamp on the Super Nintendo version. But THIS was a rare case on the Genesis. Even though the LJN logo is nowhere to be seen on the box or cartridge, it does appear on the copyright screen, and to my knowledge, is the only Genesis game where the LJN name ever appeared.

Since these games are so identical, I was on the fence whether it should be counted twice. If not, that would bring our total number of 67 LJN games down to 66. Or would you say an identical game half counts? 0.5? Or, would you say more than half counts? A 0.6? There's 66.6 LJN games.

Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS! FUCKERS! (While fighting the Devil.)

The Nerd: COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF! (Pushes both Super Mecha Death Christ and the Devil off the screen.)

Revolution X (SNES)[]

The Nerd: Then there was a game called Revolution X on Super Nintendo, which was originally in arcade, The plot is some crazy shit, some dictatorship called the new world order bans all video games and media.

Can they ban Superman 64? Dark Castle? Action 52? Should have banned all these fucking games.

You must battle new order forces to get backstage at Club X to meet Aerosmith, where together you will begin the revolution?

Aerosmith! The band Aerosmith is in this game!

You'd think because they were such a big part they would have appeared more prominently on the box art, not just the boring Revolution X logo.

Their music is all over it, and I didn't even know the Super Nintendo was capable of emulating those songs with such clarity, just listen. And if that's not enough Steven Tyler gives you missing brefings.

Steven Tyler: If you're watching this, then they've taken over. It's up to you now, find our car and stop the new order. (Throws sunglasses to the player) Remember, music is a weapon.

The Nerd: Steven Tyler is talking to me through my Super Nintendo. This blurs the line between awesome and ridiculous, it's a game where you start a revolution, by using, music, love and peace? No! BY FUCKING MURDERING EVERYONE!

This can't be real, You just shoot everything, all you do in this game is destroy, you even shoot bad guys in a strip club, and the dancers keep dancing, I ain't seeing this man, the arcade even has blood.

Now we're living on the edge, Janie's got a gun alright. Sweet Emotion? More like Sweet Ammunition! That's what they should have done, if you're gonna have an Aerosmith shoot-em up game, You might as well play it up, could have had a whole soundtrack.

Steven Tyler: REVOULTION X!

Advertiser: It's Revolution X, The hot new album from Aerosmith, packed with songs to take down the new world order to.

Steven Tyler: (Singing) Love is an Epic Slaughter! Shooting him up when he hit the ground, Love is an Epic Slaughter!

(Groans)

Dude looks like he's dead now!

Doo-Doo-Dude looks like he's dead now!

Scream On! Scream On! Scream On! (Screams)

Advertiser: Revolution X, Order Now!

Steven Tyler: Hurry!

The Spirit of Speed (Sega Dreamcast)[]

The Nerd: And so in 95, Acclaim performed an exorcism on the LJN name and so it was gone for 5 years, like a demon seeking a new host, it found another console to invade, The Dreamcast, and thus emerged the final appearance of the unholy sign, the old rainbow in the dark.

Look at that logo in full Dreamcast glory.

The Nerd: (Realizing) You know, I'm gonna miss reviewing LJN Games. No, I'm not.

The Game is Spirit of Speed, a racing game which takes place in 1937, so I guess maybe if you're really into classic cars of that time period, it might sort of be appealing.

But jeez, give me Mario Kart or F-Zero any day, even as far as realistic racing games go, this is more like early Playstation and N64 than Dreamcast, Spirit of Speed my ass, more like Spirit of Slow. The cars handle like you're dragging 20 tons of bowling balls of donkey dung. You like trudging through farmland as dull green and gray wash over your senses, and 10 laps, what are you kidding me? This is something you play if you want to go to sleep.

There's almost nothing to say about it, I can't work with this. But, you know what, I just completed the LJN Library.

(The Nerd sees the LJN logo fade into the sun on a field)

The Nerd: (Gives the middle finger salute) Farewell, You Fuck!

(The Nerd walks away, returns home and then turns on his C64 system)

The Nerd: Alright Sam, let's see the game.

Sam Beddoes: Well, we did our best, so this is the final product, we cut some corners, but I think...

The Nerd: JUST SHOW ME THE DAMN GAME!

Sam Beddoes: Alright, alright, here it is, here it is.

The Nerd: (Looks at the Back to the Future remake, unfinished and glitchy, he cringes.) Oh! (Then feels horrified playing this.)

(Screams by pushing himself back into the Rampage arcade machine) Ah! I'm a shitload of fuck! I'm a shitload of FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! (Cries)

The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: Nerd!

The Nerd: Ah! (Gasps)

The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: You've made the worst game ever! You've become the very thing you were fighting against!

The Nerd: (Cries in despair) NO! NO!

The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: I Should be reviewing your game Nerd!

The Nerd: (Distressed) NO!

The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: I'm The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd!

The Nerd: No! No!

The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: What Was he thinking? What a shitload of fuck. Buffalo diarrhea bullfuck that is. It's shit, It's poop, and I don't like it.

The Nerd: Noooooooooooooooo! (falls down at the end of the LJN Rainbow, like a rabbit hole) Noooooooooooooooo! Noooooooooooooooo!

(Wakes up, and then realized with a sigh.) All these years, I've been trashing these games. But, Maybe, I haven't been fair, maybe it wasn't the game designers faults, Maybe if you haven't tried something yourself, you don't know how fucking hard it is.

It wasn't their fault! (Glees of Joy) I Forgive Them! This game I forgive! And this game I forgive! And this Game... (Angrily stares at the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde NES game cover) This Game Sucks!

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