Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
Advertisement
Corpse_Killer_(3DO)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Corpse Killer (3DO) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

Guitar Guy: (singing) He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd!

The Nerd: Well, here we are over a decade later, and I'm actually going to torture myself with this ass pile of a game. I first mentioned Corpse Killer in the Sega CD episode, way back in 2007, so I shelved it and haven't thought about it since then, which is like pissing up a drainage pipe. It comes right back.

It's also like on Thanksgiving, when your family's sittin' around the couch watching football after dinner, just blowing hot turkey farts into the cushions. Then a week later, you plop down on the couch, and that weak old turkey fart cloud envelops you. Well, that's Corpse Killer. And now, after all that time, I'm still not reviewing the Sega CD version! I'm reviewing the 3DO version instead. Why's that? 'Cause they're all the same! You couldn't even take two shits as identical as this shit!

The Nerd: It was on PC, Macintosh, and if you really want to get down to business, there was the Sega CD 32X version, meaning you have to own both shitty consoles just to play the same thing. First of all, how does that work? One system uses cartridges, and the other uses CDs. It's not like the game is a compact cartridge disc hybrid. I know that would be pretty amazing, but it's just a CD. And second, what kind of marketing tactic was that? The 32X alone was a failure, so making special games that require both 32X and Sega CD was just forcing a failure on top of a failure, and since they only made six games like this, I'm guessing it didn't do too well.

There was also an enhanced version on the Saturn, Corpse Killer: Graveyard Edition. It's still pretty much the same, but it goes full screen and even has zombies that get all up in your face. What really wrenches my taint, though, is the fact that someone ported this abomination to modern consoles. There's a copy for the PS4 and the Switch in full HD. Corpse Killer in high definition? More like high defecation! The fact there's still enough demand for a game this shitty, even today, blows my mind. With all the actual good shit out there that deserves a remake or HD edition, we get Corpse Killer on the PS4. What the hell, man?

The Nerd: So, what is Corpse Killer? Or more specifically, what is a corpse killer? How could anyone kill corpses? It would be like toasting toast in a toaster. Once it's toast, that's what it is. It used to be bread, so you never put toast in a toaster. Actually, that's not true. If you're not satisfied with how toasted your toast is, you could put it back in the toaster. Come to think of it, I do that all the time, because it's not like you can see the toast when it's in the toaster! You can't tell if that toast is as pale as a ghost, or overdosed utmost roast! What game were we talkin’ about now? Oh yeah, Corpse Killer. I will not say "toast" for the rest of this goddamn review.

(The Nerd takes the game out of the box and inserts the game into the 3DO.)

The Nerd: Alright, game, you're getting reviewed now. It's a baffling mess of shit graphics, piss-poor control, and vomit-inducing sound, all set to a backdrop of a low-budget B movie. The B movie part is fine, but when you mix a B movie with a shitty game, it's like making cake batter out of monkey barf and horse piss. All the live-action scenes were directed by John Lafia, the writer of Child's Play and director of Child's Play 2, no kidding. Sandwiched in between the cutscenes are levels where you play as a nameless marine and walk slowly to the right on some jittery-ass backgrounds.

Scale and perspective have absolutely zero meaning on this island. There's a bunch of airplanes in this level that look smaller than the zombies, and here there's giant fucking skeletons all over the place. Seriously, look how giant these motherfucking skeletons are. Kinda reminds me of Terminator 2: The Arcade Game if they made the whole game over a weekend. Calling Corpse Killer a game is far more than it deserves. You'd have more fun navigating a DVD menu with your dick tip!

The Nerd: So anyway, the object of the game is to save all your fellow marines from the evil Dr. Hellman. I'm guessing he decided to give up on his mayonnaise empire and move on to raising an army of voodoo zombies for world domination or some shit. Hellman is played by Vincent Schiavelli. You might remember him as the Hobo Ghost from Ghost, who teaches Patrick Swayze how to use his ghost powers. So, you parachute in and get attacked, and here, you meet your two companions: Winston, your driver and guide, and Julie, a no-nonsense reporter looking for the scoop on the zombie-infested island. They're only in the game to move the story along and shuttle your ass to areas filled with zombies that can only be beaten by walking to the right. You walk to the right in a village, a swamp, the beach, old temples, and airports. There's a ton of places you walk to the right and that's all you fucking do, from now until you beat the game or say "Fuck it!" and shut it the hell off.

The Nerd: On your way, you can collect special bullets. They're required to kill the boss enemies and these weird Jack-O’-Lantern-looking guys, but they barely give you any throughout the game! The first time you get to a place where you actually need to use them, I only had 25 which wasn't enough to do shit! You need to get the special bullets. Without them, you can't beat the boss, but the game doesn't have the courtesy to give them to you. So, I just keep getting to the same point and dying over and over.

At one point, I start hitting random buttons, thinking it might do something, and it did alright. It kicked me out of the fucking level. Hitting the C button stops the game dead in its tracks and kicks you out to this weird menu screen. If they put the option to abort the level in the pause menu, I'd be fine with it, but making it a regular button that you're more likely to hit by accident is just shit! And I know for a fact it also does this in the Sega CD 32X version, and if you want to confirm, I'm guessing it probably does that in the regular Sega CD version as well, so somebody must have thought it was a good idea. Oh yeah, it was a real good idea.

The Nerd: So anyway, I get to this menu, and all it does is show you pictures of enemies and other crap. It doesn't give you any useful info or anything, so, why even have it? Eventually, I found out how to get back into the game. By selecting the map. This is where the game switches things up a bit. You can go back to the main game, but it starts you at the beginning, no matter how far you got. This really scraped my scrotum. I hit one fucking button by accident, and I'm booted back to square one!

If you want, you could actually do some side quests also. Depending on what you choose, you can do missions that get you health power-ups, special ammo, or you can choose to do quests for Winston or Julie. If you help Winston, he just finds a bunch of treasure and talks more shit. That's it. It has absolutely no bearing on the game whatsoever. If you help Julie, you get some backstory into the events in the game. All in all, these quests are just a waste of fucking time. The last thing I want to do when I'm playing a horrible mess of a game is extend the duration of suckery and do unnecessary garbage.

The Nerd: So the first level you have to beat is Zombie Town. It's just a giant wall with zombies throwing a bunch of crap at you. It's pretty easy, but you have to play the same exact level like five fucking times throughout the game. After you beat it, you can either choose the village or the swamp. It's the same thing either way: you fight the same four enemies until you walk far enough to the right, and the game progresses. Other than the regular zombies, there's these weird shadow guys walking around. They're just lazy palette swaps of the same zombies, just without any color or detail, but if you shoot them while they're dark, you get hurt. You have to wait 'till they light up, then they kill every zombie on screen.

Oh, and about those Jack-O'-Lantern zombies, they're completely immune to normal bullets. Only the special bullets kill them, but you need to save the special bullets to kill the boss. So, you have a decision to make: either take a hit and lose a life, or use that special precious ammo. All the zombies look like absolute ass. They slide all over the backgrounds and look like they're hanging by wires, 'cause I'm pretty sure they actually were. Some are wearing whatever clothes they showed up in, and others have shitty Halloween masks on. They look like they just went into the Halloween section of a dollar store and bought up anything they could, on November 1st!

The Nerd: You eventually make your way inside the fortress, which is filled with a bunch of middle-aged dads in pink shirts. I guess they're zombies, but they look like a bunch of golfers wandering around an ancient temple. Eventually, one of the zombified marines attacks you, and you have to turn them back by using the special ammo. That is, if you have any by this fucking point, because I didn't. I got to this part five times and never had enough ammo to finish it, so I had to abort the level and start all over again.

I wasted more time on this than I want to admit. I mean, who wants to go around telling people that they played Corpse Killer for eight hours over their weekend. You sound like a psycho, especially if you said it to a random person on the street. So I'm not proud of this, but after getting absolutely nowhere for hours, I had to use cheats. I know, it's fucked up. The 3DO doesn't have a Game Genie but it does have the Game Guru. There ain't no magic on this console. There wasn't even an infinite ammo code, just one that gives you a lot of bullets. Even cheating on the 3DO sucks balls. Eventually, I got to the boss and changed them back.

(Cut to a transformation cutscene.)

The Nerd: I gotta say, I really hate this game, but it's kind of hilarious.

After you change your buddy back, you hang out with them and drink some shit out of a skull that replenishes your health, and then head back to defend the graveyard. So the graveyard serves as your home base in all this. I mean, that's pretty smart. The heroes decide that the best possible place... they could make a home base... during a zombie apocalypse... is a FUCKING GRAVEYARD!

So from here, you run through the village, head to the fortress, fight more Jack-O'-Lanterns and sad golfing dads, then save another marine. Rinse and repeat, that's it. Oh, and every time I go through a cycle of levels, I have to reset, delete my previous save, then go back to the Game Guru to put the code back in. If Merriam-Webster called asking for the dictionary definition of tedious, I'd say, "This. This right here." All that shit, just so I can see these oscar-worthy cutscenes.

(Cut to another transformation cutscene.)

The Nerd: Apparently, transforming back from a zombie makes you feel like you just jizzed lava into your boxer briefs. After repeating this, four fuckin' times, you finally face off against Mr. Mayonnaise himself, Dr. Hellman. And it's one of the most incredible sights I've ever seen in FMV history, and I say that without an ounce of sarcasm.

Dr. Hellman: (laughs) Because we are... the new order!

The Nerd: Oh, good LORD! (laughs) The final boss of this game, is a JPEG, of Vincent Schiavelli's face, spitting an endless stream of zombies at you. You know, I'd find this whole fight hilarious, if it weren't the most frustrating thing possible!

The Nerd: Basically, I don't even know if I'm winning or not. Zombies just shoot out infinitely, as the picture shifts around and gets more and more ugly. The problem with this fight is you have to beat two levels before it, and if you get hit on either of those levels, chances are you're completely fucked for the boss fight! Seriously, this fight goes on forever. Hundreds of zombies fly at you. Literally hundreds! I spent about an hour on this fight alone, because I died about a shitload of fuck times. It was demoralizing!

Dr. Hellman: It's okay. Death is really, really cruel.

The Nerd: Imagine trying to build something out of Legos, but every five minutes, someone comes into the room, smashes what you've built, and shits on 'em, and then you have to start over using the poopy Legos. That's what this boss is in a nutshell. If you actually manage to beat this shit, you get treated to a hilarious death scene.

(Cut to Dr. Hellman's death scene.)

The Nerd: Then you get a bunch of stock clips of fighter jets, shooting cartoon lasers at the base 'till it explodes. Oh, also, you get to see Julie in a swimsuit for some reason. How, when, and why the hell she changed into a swimsuit makes no sense. My guess is they needed something to ease the pain of having to spend your weekend slogging through this useless excuse for a video game.

The Nerd: All in all, Corpse Killer is just a waste of disc. The entire budget no doubtedly went to the production of the B movie scenes, and barely any effort went into the actual game part, of the fucking video game. This is why FMV games were a dead fad more than anything else.  People focused so much on the hardware capabilities back then, and the bits and the graphics.

(Cut to a clip from A Nightmare on Elm Street VI: Freddy's Dead, with Corpse Killer edited on the TV screen.)

Freddy Krueger: Great graphics!

The Nerd: If you're amused by watching shitty movies and pressing buttons, this is right up your alley. More like right up your ass!

Now, hopefully, I didn't mention any other awful games in past episodes that you're gonna want me to torture myself with. (pauses) Oh! No cliffhanger this time? Okay. All right, well, I'll see you next time, but for now, it's time to kill this corpse!

(The Nerd shoots the game with a light gun, and it falls over and explodes.)

The Nerd: Motherfuck!

Trivia[]

  • This episode recycles a couple jokes from previous episodes. The "pissing up a drainage pipe" joke was taken from Raid 2020, while the "Right up your alley! More like right up your ass!” joke was taken from Ghostbusters.
  • The Nerd makes the mistake of referring to the Sega CD and Sega 32X as consoles, but they are actually Sega Genesis add-ons.
Advertisement