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Carmageddon_64_(N64)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Carmageddon 64 (N64) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

Guitar Guy: (singing) He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd!

The Nerd: What happens... when ya combine... CARS... with ARMAGEDDON? Ya get... CAR-MAGEDDON! Yeah! Carmageddon. Sounds like a joke somebody came up with in two seconds. But the REAL joke... is that it actually got made into a game. Truth be told, Carmageddon was actually pretty well-received when it was released for PC in '97. It's basically a vehicle combat game, and was supposed be a tie in for the Death Race 2000 sequel, but the movie got shitcanned, and the developers decided to just go ahead and make the game they wanted to make, license be damned.

It did well enough to get a sequel, Carpocalypse Now, released the following year. The soundtrack included "Carmageddon It" by Def Leppard. No, that's not true... but I wish it was. It was popular enough to get a port on the Nintendo 64. It was to be published by Interplay, but before that could happen, Titus bought them out. And yes, it's the very same Tit-us that published Superman 64. In the interest of maximum profit, they rushed this game out as fast as possible, which resulted in one of the absolute WORST games on the Nintendo 64.

Imagine owning a video game company, and your claim to fame is having made two of the worst games on the N64. What an achievement. But let's talk about the game itself. There's a number of different modes you can play, including the Headbutting mode. (snickers) You know what? That's the best one. Watching that is much more fun than playing the game. But then again, so is playing turd piñata.

The Nerd: The main mode is Carmageddon. It even has a story, and takes place in the year 2026. Global warming gets so bad, that the air toxins begin resurrecting the dead. Well... that's somethin' to look forward to. The game has two racers to choose from. Max Damage... (chuckles) and Die Anna. (laughs) Oh, boy! Max Damage is a bright red bald guy, and Die Anna looks like someone farted in her face.

The Nerd: There's a few different methods to complete a level. You can go through any of the laps like a normal racing game, destroy all the other cars, or kill all the zombies on the map. Yes, zombies in a racing game. The PC version was known for killing humans, and was very gory. Blood and limbs were splattering everywhere. But this version, just has zombies dripping green ooze. It's kinda like Mortal Kombat on the Super Nintendo, how the blood was changed grey.

The Nerd: In Germany, the zombies were swapped out for dinosaurs. (snickers) Hey, kids like dinosaurs. It went from this... to this. The stages in this game include Beaver City, Beaver Country Quarry, or... Beaver City again? Well - this game sure has an obsession with beavers. If ya happen to go over a jump, you might do a stunt, and then a message scrolls across the screen that reads, "Cunning Stunt Bonus".

The Nerd: The first time I saw it, my brain mashed the words together, forcing dirty thoughts. Just like the Metallica Live VHS tape, Cunning Stunts. True story. Back in the 90s, I was listening to the radio, one of the local rock stations, the DJ was talkin' about it, and he slipped up and said, "Stunning Cunts". Then he tried to forget about it but, 25 years later, I still remember it.

The Nerd: This game was given a Mature rating. But between all the Beaver "Titus" and cunning stunt talk, it's only inspired me to be as immature as possible. The courses are all hopelessly generic with featureless uninspired bland voids. I doubt the developers were at fault, and the issues were more likely because "Ti-tus" didn't give the team enough time to make something playable. But what can you really expect of a company called "Titus"?

The Nerd: All right, enough of that joke. You wanna know the real joke? The controls. THIS... is a FUCKING joke, and a sick demented one. The car barely turns! Half the time you're crashing, or gettin' stuck up WALLS! This is compounded by the drunken camera angles! While you're drivin', it'll shift randomly and jerk you around! It's like some assholes in the passenger seat just yankin' the steering wheel every few seconds. Just jerkin' and yankin', jerkin' and yankin'! The camera even gets hung up on the walls when the race starts! What the hell is it DOIN'?! Power-ups are scattered around the level, but good luck making use of them. They're usually fucking dumb like, stick insect zombies. Night of the what the living fuck?!

The Nerd: There's also a power-up that gives the zombies big stupid heads. But it's so far away, by the time you actually FIND any zombies, the power-up wears off! And I really wanted to see the goddamn big stupid heads. The absolute worst thing about the game, is how bad the sense of direction is. Take a good game like Mario Kart (64), for example. It always lets you know which way you should be headed, and if you go the wrong way, it tells you! With Carmageddon 64, no such luck. If you happen to go off-course just a little bit, which will definitely happen, you're fucked. Yes - there ARE arrows, which are supposed to clue you in, but they don't show up often enough, so you just drive into the middle of nowhere.

The Nerd: You'll be traveling around aimlessly, until you eventually come to a checkpoint. It's only THEN, that they tell you you're doin' somethin' wrong. The very moment you go in the wrong direction, an arrow should instantly appear to let you know. How 'bout a nice fine message that says "Turn around, ASSHOLE"?! We all appreciate being called an asshole, by these assholes. And the checkpoints are really particular. Even when you THINK you went past them, they might not even count it! It seems like they had a bunch of generic 3D models of towns, and decided to randomly place barriers to make it resemble a track. If your car falls off the track, you'll get stuck in a time-out void for WAY longer than it should take. Lakitu would have ya out of there in a few seconds. But I guess if this game was as good as Mario Kart, Nintendo would have a problem. It's reminiscent of the overly drawn-out loading time from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night when you die. Just get me back to the GODDAMN GAME! OHHHHHHH!

The Nerd: All right, we're goin'. (The red car falls off of a jumping ramp, then falls down in the game) Oh shit! Ah! Great, now I'm just slidin' around upside down. Awesome. How do I flip back over? I'm like a turtle that can't get off his back!

(The red car still goes upside down as the blue car hits it and runs the other car over)

The Nerd: Okay, so hitting the L button brings your car back. Luckily, I figured that out. Otherwise, I would've slid upside down through the entire track. This quarry level is by far the worst. I had to race through it four fucking times before I got used to the layout. I kept missing the checkpoints, and drove around aimlessly, until the time ran out. It's too easy to get lost on this level, because most of it is just an open area, with zero directions on where to go. I think the idea, with all seriousness, what they were actually trying to do... was make the levels INTENTIONALLY boring, so that you'll be more likely to focus on just running over the zombies! While that may work in the superior PC version, the N64 port just falls flat. And then it goes through the flatness into a glitchy unfinished pile of polygonal poo. So, okay, maybe I can get behind a game where you run over zombies. But the number count of how many zombies to run over, is WAY too high! By the time you get half the amount of kills you need, the time will have already expired. Not to mention, it's hard as shit to actually drive into them. Half the time, I'm slowly maneuvering tryin' to line them up, just to miss. You wanna play a game, where you make slow K-turns all day? (chuckles) Heh, there's more action in a Driver's License test. Driver's License Test: The Game! THAT would be more fun.

The Nerd: The whole draw of the game, is the fact that you can fool around, and get to run over people. But it's damn near impossible, so it doesn't even have that going for it. The zombies move slower than soft-serve shit, but still, I can barely hit them. Why in your right mind will you ever spend money on this abomination? Out of the 400 FUCKING racing games on the N64, this is easily the worst.

The Nerd: When it comes to quality control, this game is on par with Superman 64! Well - at least the other racers move, unlike Big Rigs. But, when that's the best thing you can say about the game is that it's slightly better than Big Rigs, well then you know you're playing a 12-car pileup of flaming FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Cut to a commercial of Carmageddon 64, which features Mr. Rigs from the makers of Big Rigs.

Mr. Rigs: Hey you fuckin' kids! It's Mr. Rigs! I'm the official spokesperson for the best game ever, Big Rigs! And if you disagree, I don't know what your fuckin' problem is! So maybe, you'd consider the second best game... CARMAGEDDON, SIXTY-FUCKIN'-FOUR! The controls are 64 times more responsive, so I KNOW you'll love it! You'll be BEGGIN' for it! You'll be screaming "Dude, where's my Carmageddon?!"

Mr. Rigs: Drive up walls, slide upside down and explore the great endless void! Give gravity the finger! The middle one! Power-ups have little in-game effect, to remind you the real power is in your heart and soul! K-turn your way to vehicular supremacy!

(The car turns around in a K-turn, then hitting a zombie over it)'

Mr. Rigs: Just wait for it.... Yep! There it is. Run through zombies and fuckin' dinosaurs! Show 'em you're the King Tyrannosaur! Make 'em eat SHIT! Carmageddon 64! The second-best game in the history of the world! Get your copy today, OR GO TO HELL! (Mr. Rigs explodes)

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