Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
Advertisement
3DO_Interactive_Multiplayer_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

3DO Interactive Multiplayer - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

Guitar Guy: (singing) He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd!

3DO Interactive Multiplayer[]

The Nerd: You know, I'm sick of all these baby toys I have lyin' around, the Sega Genesis, SUPER Nintendo... Might as well be a rattle and a diaper full of CRAP! They can't compare to the real gaming juggernaut, the 3DO! Yeah, look at that, this is the REAL console! More like a REAL piece of DOG SHIT!

The fact they had the audacity to make a commercial, calling all other systems baby toys, and then put out a glorified FMV player with barely any decent games, blows my mind. Also, somethin' I wanna mention, the 3DO is one of the rare consoles where you have to daisy-chain the controllers together.

I've talked a little about this system before, and I never knew a single person who owned it when it came out. Now, why is that? Maybe because when it launched, this fuckin' bastard cost 700 goddamn dollars. Yeah, that's right, and we're talkin' $700 back in '93. To compare that to prices nowadays, with inflation, $700.93 equates to about $1,200 in 2021 money. The PlayStation 5 costs 600 right now! Imagine that pitch to your parents. "Hey, Dad! I need $700 for a new 3DO console." Be cheaper for them to slap ya upside the head with a Neo Geo cartridge! Your parents would probably flip ya off and tell ya to go fuck yourself!

The 3DO would eventually be price dropped to shit, and discontinued after three years on the market. It was mostly marketed as a multimedia machine. It had a bunch of non-game kinda shit like, educational shovelware and, of course, a whole ass load of soft stool porn games. Like, a LOT of porn. Can you imagine? I mean, you don't wanna imagine. A guy in his living room, with a 3DO controller in one hand and his... you know in the other hand, just... furiously BEATING it to Plumbers Don't Wear TIES?! Today, I'll just be focusing on the shallow end of the cesspool with some piss-poor games.

Crash 'n Burn[]

The Nerd: When the system launched, there was only one game available, Crash 'n Burn. That's such a kick in the fuckin' balls, especially for the price. Imagine dropping $700 on an NES and the only game at launch was Super Pitfall. It starts with about 15 minutes of full-motion video and production logos. You'll see as I go on, that this becomes the fucking theme of the 3DO. 20 minutes of FMV, and about five minutes of gameplay, because I end up shutting most of these games off from boredom.

Crash 'n Burn is a futuristic fecal fart fest combat racing game made by Crystal Dynamics, the company best known for the Legacy of Kain series, and later, the Tomb Raider series. The game has six characters you can choose from, and each one cuts to a promo when ya select them.

In-Game Character: I like to destroy racers in many different ways, just to keep from being bored.

The Nerd: I like this guy, because he looks like Blanka from Street Fighter became a professor or something. You can also play as Rod Stewart if you want. So ya might be thinkin' to yourself, "This doesn't look all that bad", but think about this: if you wanted to play this back in '93, you'd have to drop about $750. And that's not mentioning the fact that a complete copy can run you around $700 today! The combat's pretty lame. The weapons feel like they do absolutely nothing, and the racing is mediocre at best. I guess the graphics looked impressive back in '93, but gimme F-Zero any day of the week, because Crash 'n Burn is just plain zero.

Road Rash[]

The Nerd: If combat racing is your thing, Road Rash, on the other hand, is excellent. Everything about this game is great, from the gameplay to the rockin' ass soundtrack. My only real complaint is the engine sound. It's awful. Luckily, you can turn it off, but if you don't, all you hear is a high-pitched (imitates engine sound) the entire race.

You can choose to either race, or play the 'Big Game' mode. This lets you earn money by racing and buy better bikes. The character designs are hideous. It looks like a fish-eyed acid trip. Real 90's-style shit. I usually pick Slim Jim, because he starts off with a club. Hearin' that clunk sound every time I cave in a rider's skull is SO satisfying.

In between races, you get these FMV cutscenes. They're pretty cool. Overall, this is probably the best game on the 3DO, definitely in the Top 5. But like a lot of the other games on here, it's available on the PlayStation or Saturn, and nowadays, the 3DO copy can cost you upwards of $80 for a complete one. So just get it on PlayStation for 20 bucks.

Gex[]

The Nerd: Another game you could also get on the PlayStation is Gex, Crystal Dynamics' entry into the 3DO mascot contest. The game uses pre-rendered 3D graphics for character sprites. It reminds me of Donkey Kong Country, another game I'd much rather be playing. On the internet, this game gets talked about a lot, but the funny thing is, everyone always shows the graveyard level. Probably because the game is so boring, everyone turns it off once they've recorded enough footage. It's an okay platformer, and Gex was able to jump ship when the 3DO died out.

Captain Quazar[]

The Nerd: The same can't be said for the 3DO's true mascot, however, Captain Quazar. This game also uses the pre-rendered sprite look, but plays like an overhead shooter instead of a platformer. The gameplay is fine, but it's super repetitive. You just run around shooting stuff. The camera snaps and swings around like it's being controlled by a drunk uncle at a family reunion. Kinda makes me sick. Captain Quazar is making me Captain Queasy. Sorry. The best part of this game is the insane musical number at the beginning. The robots are rapping and singing about Craptain Quazar. The animation's pretty decent, but it seems like they put way more effort into this intro than the actual game.

Soccer Kid[]

The Nerd: Here's a weird one: Soccer Kid. You play as this little shit that runs around kickin' a soccer ball at people. I guess the story is that some space pirates steal a soccer trophy or something, then they crash and the pieces fly all over the world, and you have to collect them. It's animated like a dollar store bootleg DVD. You use your soccer ball as a weapon, but without it, you're just some dickhead kid without powers or any way to attack or defend yourself. I played this game long enough to realize that I don't really like it, and would rather base jump into a flea market port-a-john than play anymore. Also, I don't know what this kid did, but everyone in this town wants to fucking kill him. Dogs, skateboarders, and especially these Surly looking guys who whip wrenches at his head. How fucked up is that? This kid's willing to travel the world to save a soccer trophy, but grown adults will cave his skull in with a wrench to stop him! This game is fucked up!

Battle Chess[]

The Nerd: Battle Chess is a game I remember thinking was an awesome idea. That is, until I actually played it. It's... possibly the slowest game of chess I've ever witnessed. Yeah. Each time a piece moves, you have to watch it walk to the spot, and these characters walk slower than compacted shit out a sloth's shit shoot. I was playing this shit for almost 10 minutes before anything actually happened. Eventually, I just started sacrificing pieces just to see the kill animations, which I'll admit, are fuckin' stupendous. I love the Monty Python reference with the knight.

The Nerd: But that's all it is. It's the world's slowest chess simulator I'd be fine if the pieces didn't need to slowly saunter over to each space. I can't believe they made a video game that's actually slower and more boring than an actual chess game. You'd have a better time watching a dog turd turn white. And yes, real chess is awesome. It's the intellectual shit, man.

The Horde[]

The Nerd: The Horde is a game that's usually praised as one of the best games on the system. It's fine... You play as Kirk Cameron swinging around a giant sword. Yes, you actually play as Kirk Cameron. There's an intro cutscene that, of course, goes on for like 10 minutes. Kirk saves a king from choking to death, in return is given his own plot of land, and a big-ass sword. You spend your time building traps, planting trees, and raising cattle so you can pay your taxes. In between building phases, your town gets attacked by trolls. So Kirk runs around swinging his sword like a maniac and slashing the trolls into puddles of liquid. It's a decent game, but I can't imagine playing this for long periods of time. There's nothing super wrong with the game, it just gets old pretty quick.

Super Street Fighter II Turbo[]

The Nerd: Another decent game for the 3DO is Super Street Fighter II Turbo. Well, it would be decent. In fact, it could have been the best home console incarnation of the Street Fighter II lineage that existed back in the day. But, there's one problem. One HUGE problem. The 3DO controller has only three buttons. That... ain't gonna work. Everyone knows you need six. So, I got the Pro Pad, which has the same button configuration as a Super Nintendo controller, and we all know Street Fighter worked great on the Super Nintendo. Four buttons on the front, two on the top. There's your six, you're all set. But... this controller, you wouldn't believe. The bottom button, X, is actually... the start button. And it can't even be changed in the option menu. You can reassign all the other buttons, except start. So when you're trying to fight, you're gonna keep accidentally pausing the game. That. Fucking. Sucks. And this thing was made by STD! You'd be better off getting a REAL STD than getting THIS SHIT! So what you REALLY need to get is the weird-ass Capcom fight pads that you had to send away for. They're one of the dumbest shaped controllers I've ever seen, though surprisingly comfortable. Also, the music in the game is awesome. It's an arranged version of the original and sounds great. So, this one is good as long as you get the right controller. But you wanna see some shit, right?

Way of the Warrior[]

The Nerd: Well, check out Way of the Warrior. This game was developed by Naughty Dog, before they made hits like Crash Bandicoot. Imagine Mortal Kombat if nobody gave two flying shits about it. The ninja character in the game is just named Ninja. A ninja named Ninja. You can't get any lazier than that shit. Also, what in the fuck hell is a Shaky Jake? Each character plays like cheap chump fucks. They jump like 40 feet in the air and you can get caught in infinite downward attacks until you're fucking dead in 10 seconds. The special attacks are more like shit spectacles. And don't even get me started on the fatalities, because they are just confusing as all hell.

Nikki Chan: I see your heart beats for me!

The Nerd: An honorable mention is the soundtrack, that just plays an endless string of White Zombie songs. I'm pretty sure that's where the entire budget went, because the game is programmed like someone wrote the code with their ball sacks. Anyway, the game sucks. Next...

Virtuoso[]

The Nerd: Virtuoso. This is a rare kind of game that makes you question the very meaning of shit. I don't even know where to begin. First off, I can't get over the music. Just listen to it! Sounds like they hired the band that got last place in the Battle of the Bands at the East Bumblefuck Community Center. All the music's by a band called Thai Dyed, spelled T-H-A-I. Hmm... I tried to look them up on Google, but all I got was articles on people in Thailand who died. Well, that's pretty depressing. I'm guessing that band name didn't go very far. You play as a leathery long-haired dirt bag with dual shotguns and shoot the shit out of seagulls, weird faceless dudes, wasps, and ED-209s. You could either get your ass to Mars, the beach, or Boo! Haunted House. The haunted house level makes no sense either. It's just a snow field with a bunch of giant snowmen rolling their balls at you. You can move up against the walls, but the controls get fucked. If you come across a copy of Virtuoso somewhere, throw it in the old trashuoso.

Alone in the Dark[]

The Nerd: Alone in the Dark 1 and 2 are a couple games that are known for their influence for the Resident Evil series. They're basically Resident Evil, if every character was played by a diseased Muppet. The tank controls are far worse than Resident Evil, if you can believe it. Everything moves at a snail's pace. The graphics I'm sure at the time were decent, but everything looks like a pulsating mass of polygonal and pixelated poo-poo. Anything in the distance looks like a blob of geometry jism, and I can't get anywhere in the game without dying. Being the first of its kind is a tough deal. Basically, this game walked so Resident Evil could run. But right now, these games are giving me the runs.

Cyberia[]

The Nerd: Cyberia is a baffling mess. It looks like another Resident Evil-type game, but if Resident Evil has tank controls, Cyberia has septic tank controls. Basically, you point the character in the direction you want to go, and a video of him walking plays. The best part of this game is the death animations. You also die from the stupidest shit possible. He dies from slipping in a puddle? And also from touching this hot barrel? He's probably the most inept hero I've ever SEEN in a video game! Eventually, you get to a part where you're defending the base from a bunch of pictures of aircrafts and boats. I don't know if this is the rest of the game, but it goes on forever. It's like if Top Gun on the NES barfed into the "Where did you learn to fly?" woman's mouth.

PO'ed[]

The Nerd: So, we've covered a bunch of games so far. Horror games, combat racing, platformers, fighters and whatever the ever-loving fuck Virtuoso is. But now, let's get into the premiere genre of the 90's, the first-person shooters. First up is Po-ed. No, actually, it's PO'ed. This game is just weird-ass shit. You play as an intergalactic chef who's the last living member of his ship's crew. You fight evil alien asses and other ugly as sin monsters with a frying pan. The movement of this game gives me severe motion sickness. I've played a lot of early first-person shooters, but this one just moves like you're ice skating after downing a bottle of ipecac syrup. I have the urge to violently projectile vomit after a few minutes of this, and not just because it kind of sucks.

Doom[]

The Nerd: But here we go. The granddaddy of shit first-person shooters on the 3DO, Doom! And, I know, you're wondering, "How could you have the audacity to spray steamy foamy diarrhea on Doom?" But, hear me out. Doom on the 3DO is not Doom. It's a sad excuse for Doom. Doom on a TI-83 graphic calculator would play better than this. I want it to be known, this game was ported over by one person, tasked with making this game happen and only equipped with two shit sticks to rub together in just 10 weeks. What you get is Doom running at about the frame rate of a View-Master. Seriously, this game at the lowest setting runs at almost single-digit frame rates and plays like a fucking lawn chair. There's actually a code for larger screen sizes, but it's way worse. It's almost hard to believe this would be allowed to be released at retail, but it was the 90's. Look at all the broken-ass shit that was allowed to pass elsewhere. This was the system that brought you such gems as Plumbers Don't Wear Ties and Shadow: War of Succession.

Demolition Man[]

The Nerd: On to the next game. You can't mention the 3DO without mentioning Demolition Man. The thing that stuns me about this game is the amount of actual Stallone that is in the game. You don't just get movie clips like you would with most games, you get Sylvester Stallone running around fake backgrounds on a green screen. It's incredible! The game skirts the line between a light gun shooter and a first person shooter. Imagine Doom if you just stood still while enemies pop up around you. Oh, and don't forget the Mortal Kombat-style boss fights. This game is definitely a product of its time. Maybe I'll get into it more another day, because I suck ass at the fighting scenes.

Hell[]

The Nerd: Speaking of games with known actors in it, check out Hell which has Dennis Hopper. It's a cyberpunk FMV game, but all you need to know, it's called Hell and has Dennis fucking Hopper.

American Laser Games[]

The Nerd: On to the mother lode of 3DO shit, American Laser Games. So this company put out a bunch of awful shit-stained light gun games. Their most notable ones were the Mad Dog McCree games, but they also made the Crime Patrol series.

Mad Dog McCree[]

The Nerd: The Mad Dog McCree games are spaghetti western-type light gun shooters that use interactive full motion videos. They're fun as a novelty, but considering the price of the light gun and the games, plus the actual 3DO, you'd be spending around $900 to play them back in '93. Plus, nowadays, the gun is super rare and can go for almost the price of the 3DO console. Is it worth it? Well, not the fuck really, especially since you need a CRT to play it with. But if all you had was one of these new HDTV things, well, then you're gonna have to use the regular 3DO controller or the mouse. Yeah, the mouse.

You have to be rich as shit to collect 3DO games, or just happen to have a family member that owned a Panasonic store in the 90's. Special thanks to my buddy Rob for letting me borrow all his expensive shit, so I can rip it apart with criticism 30 years later! The first Mad Dog McCree game can only be played with the gun or the controller. With the controller, it's impossible. You have to move the cursor down to the bottom of the screen to reload, and it moves super slow. By the time you reload and move it back up, you're already dead.

Mad Dog McCree II lets you use the mouse, but it sucks balls. You start off shooting shit with this old dude. and then come across a guy that's riddled with arrows. Like goddamn! That dude should be dead as fuck before you even talk to him. Then it's a miracle if you get past the first group of dudes shooting at you. The hit-box is not only small as fuck, but it's timed. If you don't shoot the extremely small target before it expires, you're dead.

Crime Patrol[]

The Nerd: It's the same in Crime Patrol. Some of the enemies aren't able to hit right away. Then you have a split second when they're able to be shot to get them. If not, you get made fun of, for dying.

Sheriff: You'll never make it, sergeant.

Cowgirl #1: Sorry, partner. You just don't know beans about shooting.

Cowboy: Down here we just go shooting like that? Bad.

Cowgirl #2: You're dead! That's not good, is it?

The Nerd: Yeah, you think that's normal, for a cop or sheriff to make fun of their dead partner for getting killed? These people are fucked up beyond all recognition! Fubar, if you will. Sometimes it's hard to even see where the enemies are. Like in a dark room, they're just pixels. How am I supposed to hit them? Without the gun, these games are pig shit in the wind. Even with the mouse, they're just weird to play. I can't stop dying over and over. It's sad, because the sequel to Crime Patrol, Drug Wars, is hilarious. It opens with this dude doing the world's worst Tony Montana impression.

Lopez: I am Lopez. I have the mansion, I have the money, I have the drugs, I have the power!

The Nerd: Then you're working with officer hillbilly running you down all the drug operations in this hick fuck town wherever they filmed this. But even with the gun, these games seem insanely difficult, unless you know every single thing that's about to come at you. They're definitely interesting, with their mix of live-action video and gameplay. Maybe I'll do an episode on American Laser Games in the future. Maybe. But for now, these games can fuck off. So I've gone through a pretty big list of games, and while I can't play every 3DO game, there is one I have left that's haunted me since 2007.

The Nerd (Ep. 25): Now we got Corpse Killer. Unfortunately, I can't even show you much about this game, because it keeps freezing. I actually had a lot to say about this one, but right now, it's not fucking working. Corpse Killer, consider yourself lucky.  

The Nerd: That's right.

Advertisement