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The Simpsons- Bartman Meets Radioactive Man (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(An animated version of the Angry Video Game Nerd intro is shown, which parodies The Simpsons opening sequence. In the opening sequence, we see the Nerd holding "The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man" NES cartridge in glow form with pliers at a nuclear power plant, then Mr. Rigs reads a magazine at a supermarket with Shit Pickle riding on a checkout counter, then grabs off Shit Pickle into a bag, with Mr. Rigs surprised. The Nerd rides off in a DeLorean Time Machine with R.O.B. the Robot, drives over to the Simpsons' house, and an army tank shoots directly at the Nerd by the garage door. Finally, we see the Nerd, Mr. Rigs, Shit Pickle and R.O.B. the Robot running over the couch in the Nerd Room.)

The Nerd: Okay. That animated intro was WAY too good. How am I gonna top that? Well anyway, I wanna take ya back to the holiday shopping season of December '92. Kids were hyped for awesome new toys, and I guess the movie Toys on VHS too. But I was more into Demonic Toys, which was released the same year. Anyway, my Christmas list included a Batman Returns playset, probably some Ninja Turtles figures, and of course, Super Nintendo games. But sadly, many kids didn't get a Super Nintendo from Santa, and instead, got this lump of coal shat into their stockings. Bartman Meets Radioactive Man. Now ya may remember, I already talked about the first two Simpsons NES games. Wait - that was 13 years ago. Damn. But, these were so bad, they literally made me eat my own shorts.

(Cut to scene showing the Nerd ripping his underwear off with his teeth, then stuffing it in his mouth)

The Nerd: The Simpsons is a show that's been running for a long, long time. I-I-It was great back then, but it's gone on WAY too long and it NEEDS to stop. Okay - on to AVGN episode... one-hundred eighty somethin'.

The Nerd: Well, The Simpsons is obviously a huge franchise, and if ya take a look at all the other huge franchises that made it to the NES, you'll see that one certain company held the monopoly. Spider-Man, LJN. Friday the 13th, LJN. X-Men, LJN. Jaws, LJN. Back to the Future, LJN. Karate Kid, LJN. Roger Rabbit, LJN. Simpsons, Acclaim... who bought and owned LJN? Ahhhhh, Acclaim! Why couldn't it be Konami? Konami made some awesome Ninja Turtles games, and had the rights to make the Simpsons arcade game, which was probably one of the most popular beat-'em-ups ever made. What deal with the devil did Acclaim make to get the rights to make Simpsons Nintendo games? Even on the 16-bit consoles, we never got a port of The Simpsons Arcade. And for what reason? They put it on DOS and Commodore 64! Seriously, the only way to play Simpsons Arcade at home back in the day, was on DOS and Commodore 64? I can't even imagine tryin' to play it that way.

The Nerd: I never got the whole fascination with Bartman. I mean - in the 90's, there was Bartman merchandise out the ass. I mean - Bartman was everywhere... except for the actual show. When this game came out, the only time Bartman ever appeared on the show was in the episode "Three Men and a Comic Book" from season two. There was a Bartman comic book, but that didn't really start 'til '93, the year AFTER this game came out. They must have been really reaching for ideas to vomit out another Simpsons game.

The Nerd: The plot starts with Bart in his treehouse reading a comic, when... Fallout Boy, the sidekick of Radioactive Man (not the Emo band), comes in and tells Bart that Radioactive Man is trapped in the Limbo Dimension, and needs Bart's help to escape. So Bart changes into Bartman and sets out to help Radioactive Man. So this is the third Simpsons NES game, and it seems Bart's learned nothing after fighting Space Mutants and the World, because he still controls like shit. Even that jumping sound is intact. So it definitely feels like the third part of a trilogy... a trilogy of paper cuts on your dickhole.

The Nerd: So the point of the game is to defeat three supervillains and restore Radioactive Man's powers, so you can take on Brain-o the Magnificent. The first enemy ya take on is Swamp Hag. You start off in a junkyard fighting dogs, giant bugs, and a weird guy that I think was in the background of an episode one time? There's also tiny rats that are too short to hit. Shit like this, is up there with the most assholish offences in horrible game design. How does making an enemy impossible to hit fair? It's bullshit. Along the way, you collect powerups, like laser eyes, a tornado that makes Bart invincible, exclamation points that give you a 1-Up... if ya collect 20 of 'em.

The Nerd: There's also... whatever this is, that brings you to the Limbo Zone. It's a bonus level that wastes your time, and makes you redo most of the level. Yeah - you can collect 1-Ups here, but you get enough of them during the actual game. It's best just to skip 'em, unless you actually want to play more of this game, which I don't. Whenever you get to these giant mountains of trash, it's a crapshoot. Goin' up the mountain is easy enough. When ya have to go down the other side, you have no idea where you can land, so ya just have to jump and hope for the best. Sometimes you can see a screw or a gear shooting up, so you know a platform's there, but lots of the time, you just have to jump and hope ya land on something. If you don't land on a tire pile, ya fall through the trash, and die. I don't get why you can step on tires and TVs but just go straight through a solid mountain of fuckin' garbage, until you fall to hell.

The Nerd: I hate this shit. And when ya die, odds are, you're starting all over... from the beginning. There's checkpoints, but they're far into the level, and these levels go on FOREVER. It's a soul-crushing experience, but eventually, you'll see through the bullshit, and realize exactly how lazy this game truly is. You just keep encountering the same four or five things over and over. It's monotonous and honestly, a little insulting. I can't understand who the fuck this was meant for! It can't be Simpsons fans. Because other than Bart and a couple other characters, this game has barely anything to do with the show. And it definitely can't be aimed at people who like good video games, because this game sucks nut butter from a jar!

(A death sound effect from the game is heard)

The Nerd: Level two is another LJN game requirement: the sewer level. I've played a lot of suckbitch sewer levels in my life, and this one is up there with the worst of 'em. There aren't many enemies, but there's these weird platform things that shoot at you. For some reason, these snowflakes or sparks, or-or... whatever they are, don't do shit... unless you're standing on it! Uh - I mean, it's just another thing that they threw in just to prey upon first-time players. Y'know - if this game were a person... it'd be a person I don't like! These platforms take forever, so to save time, I just jump down, but the game decides all of a sudden to kill you. If the screen doesn't catch up with Bart, you just die. And with the crap controls, expect to die a lot. Ugh! I mean these jumps, I mean... just look.

The Nerd: The next level's a flying one. It's annoying, and long, but once you know what to expect... eh, it's easy. These bats are pretty annoying, because their bombs are really hard to avoid. Bat-shit bombs! I mean - actually, this level is the closest you get to a shred of actual fun. It's a shame. Then ya fight Swamp Hag. She throws lumps of shit down at you from a treetop. Ya freeze it, jump on the frozen shit platforms, and then beat the fuck outta her. Also - I should mention, this boss fight... is the exact moment where the game developers just gave up. It honestly messed with my head because it's so insanely easy. Everything else until this point, was so frustrating, I wanted to beltsan my anus hole off. This boss fight though, is so easy, it's almost pointless. And the next levels... are easy too.

The Nerd: There's the occasional beginner's trap. By now I've gotten used to it. This level with the conveyor belt was kinda fucked, but once you realize exactly what's fucked about it, you're able to make it to the exit, no problem. It's the most obvious path to take. But the game fucks with your head. You think that there's no way it could actually be that easy... but it is. There's numerous routes to take, and if ya go the wrong way, you'll fall into a piss river. I mean - seriously, look at that. It's a glowing yellow river of piss, that Bart drowns in. The water levels seem like they're gonna be hard, because, y'know, they're water levels, but no - I got through them without any issues. In this one, everything's dark, except for the searchlight... and even this is easy. The boss here is Dr. Julius Crab, not Zoidberg. All ya have to do is avoid the small crab, and Shoryuken him three times. And then, it's on to the next level.

The Nerd: Now, you're in the underground caves of Lava Man. This level is... whatever. I got stuck in the beginning here for a while, before I realized... I have to fall down this pit. Up until now, Bart DIED from falling in pits. And the game was cheap as shit with its death traps... so, I kept passing it! Like I said, this game fucks with your head. Other than that, the level's straightforward. It's actually challenging. It doesn't throw too much bullshit at you. You also get to make use of Bartman's flight powers. They're limited, so whatever ya do, don't run out in a place where ya get fucked over, like this.

The Nerd: The next level is a bullshit maze of doorways that lead you all over the place. This is definitely the WORST level in the game. The first thing you run into is a waterfall that kills you instantly. There's absolutely ZERO indication that it's a hazard until you touch it and just die. The shit part is, they're littered throughout the level, and a lot of the time I forget, and get killed again. They just look like part of the background. Also, ya can't jump between platforms, even if they LOOK close enough. If you do, guess what? Ya die.

The Nerd: Eventually, you find your way around and get near the end when, they throw this room at you. Ya have to choose between four doors. One door is the right way, and the others, just bring you damn near back to the beginning. So of course I chose the wrong door, and had to redo it all. This is extremely close to the end of the game. By now I know all the traps and how to avoid them, but I keep getting fucked by this door puzzle. It's basically the coffin puzzle in Bart vs. the World, repackaged and even more annoying. I'm on my last life... and even if I make it through... I'm probably gonna have to do the... fuckin' door puzzle again!

The Nerd: I drew a map, and thankfully, that helped out; I made it through, beat Lava Man, who thank God is also easy as shit, and got Radioactive Man's final power back. They talk for like five seconds, then go off together to face the final boss. Brain-o the Magnificent! (gasps) I'm on my last life, I... really don't wanna do this over again! But it's the easiest boss fight so far. You shoot lasers that bounce off Brain-o and reflect off Radioactive Man. It only takes five hits, and Brain-o... can hardly even hurt you. The guy's a giant brain... but it's dumb as shit. Then Radioactive Man awkwardly talks to Bartman again, and... that's it. The shitty ass game... is done. And I don't have to play another one for a while. But for how long...? For a little bit at least.

The Nerd: The NES Simpsons games were such a steaming ass pile, squirted out the diseased dickhole of my arch nemesis LJN in disguise! Acclaim was able to pass off their putrid piss poison as presents, ruining Christmas for lots of kids! Ohh, that makes me SO angry, I'M GONNA HAVE A COW, MAN!

(The Nerd jumps off and stands on the couch, then he proceeds to literally "have a cow" by squatting one out from his butt. As the episode ends, a montage of past AVGN Christmas episodes plays, set to the AVGN Christmas theme)

Kyle Justin: (To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪

♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪

♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪

♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪

♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪

♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪

♪ He hates the games that stink ♪

♪ He knows which games to break ♪

♪ He just might even hate them all ♪

♪ 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake! ♪

♪ You'd better watch out ♪

♪ Don't give these games a try ♪

♪ You better not play 'em ♪

♪ He's telling you why ♪

♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪