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Crash-Dummies title card

Title card for episode

The_Incredible_Crash_Dummies_(NES)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

The Incredible Crash Dummies (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(Pixelated AVGN intro plays, followed by the title card of the episode.)

The Nerd: Today, we have the NES game, The Incredible Crash Dummies, based on the cartoon, based on the toys, based on the public service announcements. Yeah, it may be hard to believe but in the late 80's, early 90's, this was a big franchise, and for a very brief period of time, I was into them as much as Ninja Turtles. Yeah. It began with the public service announcements, or PSAs, which seemed to be all over the TV at the time. When you sit down and watch cartoons on Saturday morning, you'd also get to see Pee-Wee Herman telling you not to do crack.

Pee-Wee Herman: This, is crack.

The Nerd: Dude, Pee-Wee Herman... is holding CRACK! And when Pee-Wee is serious, it's scary! Most kids at that age didn't even know what drugs were, I have a friend who learned about marijuana from the Ninja Turtles PSA, no joke. Can you imagine that conversation? "What's a marijuana, mom?" "Where'd you hear that, son?" "Oh, from the Ninja Turtles?" And with that, he was never allowed to watch Ninja Turtles again. True story. Sometimes, PSAs were actually part of the show, like at the end of G.I. Joe. You just watched 20 minutes of guys shooting lasers and missiles at each other, and then one of these assholes starts going off about good sportsmanship, not playing on thin ice, or how to escape a house fire that you also caused. So some cartoons had PSAs, but one PSA became a cartoon, The Incredible Crash Dummies, Vince and Larry.

These characters were created by The National Highway Safety Administration, to resemble real crash-test dummies, the ones used by vehicle manufacturers, to test what would happen if someone were in an accident. But The Incredible Crash Dummies were the spokesperson versions who would say, "Don't be a dummy, buckle your seat-belts". It was a reasonable safety message, of course everyone should buckle their seat-belts, but then the dollar signs kicked in and the toy line started.

(Cut to The Incredible Crash Dummies commercial.)

Narrator: It's The Incredible Crash Dummies!

Dummy #1: I feel like a wreck.

Dummy #2: Tree!

Narrator: When dummies get behind the wheel, it's their job to crash!

Dummy #2: I just love going to pieces.

Narrator: The Incredible Crash Dummies! Each car comes with special dummies!

The Nerd: Now, that was a pretty lame cash grab, but I gotta admit, I loved these toys as a kid. I used to get out the Sears Catalogs and circle them for my Christmas wish lists. Now, why were they so awesome? Well, what other toy can you think of, where the whole point is to break 'em? The dummy's heads and limbs pop off, and then you can put them in a car and set up an epic stunt scene. Ooh! That was pretty damn cathartic, man. And then you get to put 'em all back together and do it again. Aww, look at that! The only downfall, after every crash, you're bound to lose pieces behind furniture and in every corner. I'm gonna be finding crash dummy limbs in this room for years to come.

When you're sitting there with your friends and they're playing with their Power Rangers or whatever, you're sitting here, rammin' this FUCKING car like a MANIAC! And you look like a crazy person! One time, a friend said to me, "Hey, my parents won't let me play with these." I was like, "Why?" And he said, "Because they make kids think that crashing cars is cool." And that's when I realized, these things were a bit controversial. But I knew they were just for fun. I've been in a real accident twice, and it's very different and not fun at all. But these were just dummies, not real humans. Oh wait, there's a dog, and a cat?! Come on, you don't kill the pets! And there's a baby character called Skid the Kid? Okay, I take it back, these things were pretty fucked up. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! And who needs the cars? Let's cut straight to the chase, just sit 'em in a chair to launch them directly into a FUCKING wall! BAM! BAM! Let's see that again. Ooooh, BRUTAL! Or if that's not enough, how 'bout put them in the crash cannon? Yeah! When would you see a crash-test dummy, inside a fucking cannon? Just to make sure it's safe for human launching. Here we go, Woooooah! Gaaaaah... fuck! Or even better, the torture rack! Don't be a dummy! Buckle your seat belt! While you're... l-living out your... masochistic FANTASIES! Gaaaaah, fuck, or that'll happen. You can also run over a skunk, which would make it a road-killed skunk... that I'd... rather eat the rotten asshole out of?

Anyway, as they expanded out into other media like cartoons, they eventually made their way to video games, like the Commodore 64 version. Let's try this out.

(The Nerd inserts the cassette tape into the Commodore 64. But glitchy music plays and refuses to work)

The Nerd: Oh wait, that's not a game. It's the band. Okay. Alright, no more dickin' around. Let's get to the game. Now, there's one thing about this game that you should probably know, an-and... I bet you guessed already. Because, I've been holding my finger over this spot here for a reason. You know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna pull away, there's gonna be some dramatic music and... well, should I just do it? (Dramatic music plays) I'm gonna do it.

(He then pulls away his finger, revealing the infamous Shit Rainbow.)

The Nerd: (screaming)

Kieran Fallon: (singing) Once, there was this Nerd who, got Incredible Crash Dummies on the NES. But when he saw that logo, he knew the game would be extra shitty. He'd said he'd rather smash his own nutsack with a crowbar. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

The Nerd: So, it's what you'd expect from good old LJN, and this game came out in '93. By that time, most people were playing Super Nintendo and Genesis, and even the PlayStation came out he next year in Japan. You'd think by now, these laughin' jokin' numbnuts would given use something halfway decent. But no, it was their trademark, their seal of shit! They make shitty games! That's what they do, they're proud of it! Like a muskox marking its territory during mating season, their hair gets soaked in their own piss, which gives them their own, distinct and profound smell. Even Nintendo Power said, "It has that distinct LJN feel." [The actual quote says "It has that distinctive LJN style."] They just... didn't elaborate on the muskox piss ritual. So anyway, if you play an LJN game, you know what you're getting into. (he straps a seatbelt on himself) In fact, the real test dummies were us, because when gamers sat down [on] the couch to play this abomination, it was like strapping yourself into the driving seat of a horrendous, putrid, tragic, piece-of-shit game, which is one a one way course to fucking disaster.

It takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic world, where car crashes have caused the human race to go extinct. A group of sentient crash-test dummies spend their days trying to create the safest vehicle for the next wave of dominant organic life-forms. Nah, the real plot is way more boring than that. You play as the Incredible Crash Dumbasses, Slick and Spin, Your mission is to fight against the evil Junkman to save your friends, Spare Tire and Daryl. I don't get Daryl. All the other characters have some dumb car pun name like, Slick, Spin, Spare Tire, or Lube Job. So, Junkman has taken Spare Tire and Daryl and, "it's obvious it was no accident. Get it?" It was no accident? "Pretty funny, huh?" Accident like a car accident, (sarcastically) Yeah, that's pretty damn hilarious.

Even the instruction manual has a page of dad jokes. Look at these knee slappers. "What's the one thing a person who doesn't use safety belts will never see? Old age." Wow, that's grim. Here's another one, "What's the first thing that goes through your head when you find yourself in an accident without your safety belt buckled? The windshield!" Damn! Now, it's one thing in a PSA to shock people to teach them how serious it is, but here, they treat traffic safety like it's a fuckin' joke! I mean scientists used actual crash-test dummies to make safer cars, coupled with the PSAs, new traffic laws, airbags. Death from cars crashes dropped dramatically since the '70s, and these shitheads cram more car crash jokes into their game than I cram shit jokes into a script. (sighs) Well, let's travel down the old Hershey highway to Shitsberg. Buckle up, buckaroos!

The graphics are abysmal. Literally, most of the levels are made up of random platforms drawn into a dark abyss. The instruction manual has more color in it than this game does. It's often hard to tell what parts are in the background, and what parts are actually in your way. Everything is just flat and lifeless. The character animation looks really stupid. Everyone walks like their holding in a huge shit. You know, like when you have to go so bad, it feels like the poops pressing into your pelvic bone? The game itself is pretty straightforward. You play as Spin, who's always on a unicycle, and Slick, who just walks. I much prefer playing as Slick. His levels are a lot easier because he doesn't slide all over the place like Spin, which is funny, because you figure the guy named Slick would be slipping all over the place, but Spin controls like Sonic the Hedgehog, but coded in anal lube!

The first time you play as Slick is in the second level, The Sewers. So at least they get the obligatory sewer level out of the way quickly. It's another mucus-filled sewer, like in Dennis the Menace. Does anybody in video games take a normal, healthy brown shit. Like, what's with all this green Boogerman bullshit? Each dummy has a short-range attack that stuns enemies. The manual says it's an exhaust gun, so... you're pretty much blasting carbon monoxide into the faces of your enemies, and they're chokin' on engine fumes. You can also pick up oil cans for a long-range ammo and arms that turn you into a spinning dummy of death. You can collect traffic cones which give you an extra life when you collect fifty of them. Balloons, which make you all floaty when you jump. Steering wheels are kind of like the invincibility stars in Mario. Extra heads fill your life meter, and the worst item in the goddamn game, is rockets. The rockets send ya flyin' all over the place and pretty much a death sentence later in the game. Just look at this right here, I'm trying as hard as I can to control this dickhead dummy, and he does whatever he feels like. The sad thing is the game is almost decent. It has some pretty good music composed by Tim and Geoff Follin, the composers of, uh, Silver Surfer on NES, which I have on VINYL! (He takes out the clear vinyl record of the Silver Surfer soundtrack on NES, while the title theme of said game plays) No joke.

Okay, so the first shitty mechanic is hitting certain enemies that can cause you to fly back and explode, and I really mean fly back because you don't stop until you hit a solid wall. This was the very first thing that happened to me when I started playing. It's a huge pain in the ass and makes you feel like an idiot when it happens, like you should no better. It just happens again and again, over and over. While that's annoying, the worst game mechanic is losing your head. Literally losing your head. This happens when either a bomb blows up near you, or, you smash into a wall while going too fast. This sucks ass because it reverses the controls, and they don't go back to normal until you find a spare head. Sometimes you can find a spare head easily, and other times you might spend most the level in reversed mode. I end up getting used to the backward controls. And not to mention, the second you pick up the spare head, the controls immediately change back. You'll do an about-face into an enemy's asshole, or off a goddamn cliff. And for shit's sake, don't ever get the rocket while headless. You finally reach this annoying puzzle where you have to flip switches as Spin. Make a mistake or take too long, and you have to start the sequence over and over. The problem is the little bounce spin does when he lands from a jump, it messes from my timing and I start scrambling. The next level is the docks, it looks like a shitty version of the airship level in Mario 3, but it's completely fucked. It's a triple decker of platforms and long paths; seagulls drop bombs that take your head off so you're going to be battling the backwards controls, plus an endless supply of enemies and pitfalls, it's merciless.

Next up is this boss with a peg leg that pegs you with steering wheels, and what, I though the steering wheels were an item that made you invincible, damn liars! Eventually, the boss commits suicide and you save Daryl, you looks exactly the same as you. Seriously, they did a recolor. Wow. This game sure... cuts a lot of corners. Yeah, you get it? Pretty fuckin' funny, huh?

The Car Wreckers level, which introduces enemies who have decoy traffic cone pickups. As much as I hate to admit it, this tricked me pretty good the first time. I wasn't even mad, it's a good trick, but of course, it's one of those enemies that launches you back, too. The level is a maze with a ton of cheap repeating beginners traps. Next, The Junkyard, this level can suck my tailpipe. It's filled with fast flying bombs that take your head off. They're all over these spike pits too. Trying to get to the top and jump over the barrier is a fucking chore. Just look at this shit! I'm flying all over the place! Fantastic, an underground area, filled with pits and enemies that, of course, send you flying back. They made sure to incorporate all the most annoying aspects of this game into the final level. The final boss is Junkman, you have to dodge his tire gun, and shoot him a few times to stun him. Then make your way to a switch at the top of the stage to lift up and drop a weight on him. It's kind of fun, and it's at least it's better than the other boss fights. Once you beat him, Spin stands over the corpse of Junkman and says "What's the matter, Junkman? Did your mom drop you on your head?" Okay? Then, you launch your friend through a wall, make a final shitty joke, and that's it.

Overall, Crash Test Dummies is just another turd on the LJN shit mound, and since it was based on a PSA, I guess it would be the same as making a game based on an... airline safety pamphlet. Pretty dumb idea for a game, based on dummies. And the song by Crash Test Dummies, was in the movie, Dumb and Dumber, which also had the song "Crash" by The Primitives. Hmm, crash test dumb and dumber dummies. Hmm, there must be a connection. In the movie, there's a headless parrot, just like the headless dummy in the game, and what's the goal? The direction? The meaning of the whole trip? They go to Aspen.

Lloyd Christmas: Aspen.

The Nerd: ASSpen, that's the direction, the meaning of the whole thing. The game is ASS! And when Lloyd gives Harry the laxative so he takes a massive diarrhea dump in a toilet that won't flush, that's the same as LJN giving us the ultimate laxative. This game, the diarrhea, represents the traumatic experience of playing the game, and the broken toilet is your broken childhood, forever filled with shit! But now, it's time to crash this game.

(The Nerd takes the game out of the console and places the cartridge into a toy car, ramming it into the Incredible Crash Test Dummies play set, as it later shatters.)

Elsie Lovelock: (singing) You go, way too fast. Fuck these games, they suck ass. You should a-watch, watch your step. Playin' this shit gonna break your neck, so shut, shut your mouth, 'cause diarrhea's coming out. I've had enough, enough of you. Shit to last a life time through. So what, do you want of me? Got no words of sympathy! And when I'm here, these games are through. Laughing joking numbnuts are so screwed. Na na na na na na na na na na na... Ohh, we're gonna crash. Na na na na na na na na na na na, shitty games falling out your ass.

Trivia[]

  • This is the last episode to use the original version of Exit 73 Studios' intro animation. Starting with the Taito Legends episode, the word "FUCK!" is replaced with "?!#?#!", most likely due to demonetization.
  • Elsie Lovelock, who performed the vocals for the "Crash" parody, previously collaborated with Epic Game Music in 2017 on a cover of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song.
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