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Taito_Legends_(PS2)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Taito Legends (PS2) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

The Nerd: Alright, it's about that time. Let's get into Taito Legends 1, and 2. But first, just a little somethin' I wanna address. With the Legend of Kage episode, I heard some people say that there is a technical problem with the game footage, that it just didn't look right or somethin'. And that was right after I got done saying how the Nintoaster was gonna look so good, so that's my bad. There were some breadcrumbs in it, that's all. Now it's perfect! This Nintoaster's been upgraded so good, it can now play PS2 games, yeah! So now, let's play Taito Legends 1 and 2 and see what's so legendary about 'em.

The Nerd: Taito Legends 1 and 2 were released in 2005 and 2006 respectively on the PS2, Original Xbox and PC. This was back during a time when every video game company collectively decided to put out arcade compilations. Capcom had one, Midway, Atari, Namco, SNK, you get the idea. It's weird that so many companies released these, and almost at the same time. Now, these compilations included some must-have titles, but is also came with a bunch of shit. It's like buying a discount candy bar, where a quarter of the bar is chocolate, caramel and peanuts, but the rest is dog shit.

The Nerd: So, the first one had 20 games, including Bubble Bobble, and about 90 different versions of Space Invaders. It also had a bunch of arcade artwork and interviews with the developers. Taito Legends 2 got rid of the extras, but packed it to the brim with games. So, even if you've never heard of Taito, you sure know as Hell what the fuck Space Invaders is. Not to mention, between the two discs, you're gettin' 68 games! That is some value of the motherfuckest! The story of Taito is kinda bizarre. They started out as a company that imported goods and made peanut and vodka vending machines. Could you imagine what a shit show it would be in the United States if we had vodka vending machines? People would be goin' crazy! They'd be all drunk in the streets, eatin' peanuts while playin' Space Invaders. Eventually, in the '70s, they got into entertainment products and moved to jukeboxes, and of course, arcade games. In '78, they made Space Invaders, arguably one of the biggest arcade releases of all time. It was actually blamed for a shortage of 100 yen coins in Japan. But apparently, that's bullshit, and the coin just wasn't produced as much in '78. Imagine that! A game being so popular, it's blamed for a money shortage. Space Invaders was a big deal.

I didn't know that Space Invaders was a series. I thought it was one-and-done, but here, just on these two discs, there's six different Space Invaders games! Believe it or not, Space Invaders went on to receive three sequels, continuing the story of a bunch of space crabs, or whatever they are, that slowly come down to the ground.

Space Invaders Part II[]

The Nerd: Space Invaders Part II added color. Whoa, in color! Yeah, we can shoot at slowly moving spacecraft in about four different colors. When you shoot them all, you get a cutscene. It's pretty crude, but it's probably one of the first cutscenes to ever exist. I bet back in '79, that made someone shit their pants.

Return of the Invaders[]

The Nerd: Next came Return of the Invaders in '85. This is the first major graphical upgrade. This is a real next generation Space Invaders with bright, colorful graphics and varied gameplay. You aren't just shooting the same pattern as in the originals. Now, enemies swirled around and did all kinds of crazy ass shit. This game is fuckin' hard too.

Majestic Twelve: Space Invaders Part IV[]

The Nerd: In '91, we got Majestic Twelve: Space Invaders Part IV. This is the one I find the most fun to play in the Space Invaders cinematic universe. They really improved on the gameplay: switching up enemy behavior in crazy ways, and the boss fights are challenging, and the gameplay doesn't get boring too quickly. They also added power-ups like screen clearing bombs, powerful lasers, and time stopping. Stopping time summons motherfuckin' Mothra, for some reason. My favorite level is Cattle Mutilation where you have to save cows from flying saucers. I like how they thank you when you save 'em. Overall, this is definitely a great entry and a lot of fun to play.

Space Invaders DX[]

The Nerd: After this came Space Invaders DX, a kinda enhanced version of the original. It starts with a weird text crawl: "Space Invaders had a great vogue in 1978!"? This one has a couple different game modes including the original and a parody game. The parody game is just Space Invaders with the sprites changed to characters from other Taito games.

Space Invaders '95: The Attack of the Lunar Loonies[]

The Nerd: If you want a real parody game, get ready for Space Invaders '95: The Attack of the Lunar Loonies. This game is batshit insane, emphasis on shit, because literally the character I'm playing as is a blue piece of shit. Seriously! Two of the characters are named "Toilet I" and "Toilet II"? I like Toilet I because he's apparently a "Japanese-style-toilet-type super weapon". How in the name of shit could you not choose the Japanese-style, toilet-type super weapon? This is a culmination of almost twenty years of Taito game development. Blasting aliens as a talking blue shit coil. The graphics are super bright and colorful. But there's so much crap flyin' around the screen, figuratively and literally.

The Nerd: Also, somethin' I want to address, before there's a million comments 'bout it: Taito Legends 2 stretches the games to fit a 4:3 TV. But you can change this in the Options menu, which would have been nice to know before I recorded pretty much all the fuckin' footage for this episode! And why they would make their original aspect ratio the default setting is beyond me. It is what it is. Taito felt that the games would be better received looking... stretched to fuck, I guess.

The Nerd: Other than Space Invaders, a lot of earlier games featured on this compilation are either forgettable, or total ass-blasting, shit-splattering diarrhea. There are a couple of diamonds in the rough for some of these, but for some of these, we're just gonna rocket through like a turd traveling out your colon and into the bowl.

Balloon Bomber[]

The Nerd: Balloon Bomber is a game where you play as a cannon, shooting at balloons with bombs tied to them. If the bombs land, they blow apart the floor and you can't roll there, anymore. The more bombs that land, the more you're limited in how far you can move. It's fine, but it's like lame Space Invaders with a lame gimmick. I'd rather save my fake quarter.

Crazy Balloon[]

The Nerd: On to another balloon game. Crazy Balloon! Yeah, Crazy Balloon! You guide a crazy balloon... through a maze. It's probably the best game I ever played in my life. I swear-nah, I'm just kidding. This game is boring as fuck. Next.

Colony 7[]

The Nerd: Colony 7. It's Missile Command, but shitty. I can't play this for more than a few minutes. That's it, NEXT again.

Phoenix[]

The Nerd: Phoenix is another Space Invaders-like game, but it has weird bird aliens. It kinda feels like Galaga, but it actually predates it by about a year. You play as a weird crawling ship, and just shoot everything. The sound is awful! It's constant trilling and a million sirens throughout; it gives me a headache! There's a boss fight which is kinda cool, but the sound just makes me want to shut it the fuck off!

Lunar Rescue[]

The Nerd: Lunar Rescue. It's basically a mix of Lunar Lander and Space Invaders. This one's actually kinda fun. You land on platforms and avoid meteors going down, and then pick up a guy, and fly up shooting through Space-Invadery-type enemies. It...it's okay.

Raimais[]

The Nerd: So then there's, um...Raimais ("Rye-mice"), or however it's said. It's a futuristic Pac-Man. Instead of a yellow circle guy in a maze eating circles, you're a future car in a maze eating... circles. You can grab power-ups to help you get through the maze, and there's even boss fights. Also, every once in a while, you get a cutscene of this guy.

Creature: (unintelligible gobble) "There are more stages to clear. Go! Go!"

The Nerd: I dunno what the fuck kinda drugs these game designers were on...

The Electric Yo-Yo[]

If Raimais is a future Pac-Man, then The Electric Yo-Yo is Pac-Man if he were a yo-yo! Taito were the experts at providing the perfect putrid platform for their game developers to piss their shit onto. Like finding the right cat litter. I mean, you get the ideal texture, particle size, and natural herbal attraction just so the cat can come in and say, "This is a good place to piss and shit."

Jungle Hunt[]

The Nerd: But Jungle Hunt is a bonafide classic! I used to play this on the Atari all the time. The arcade is better graphically, but I like the Atari's music during the cannibal part better.

(The Nerd begins to beatbox and sing to the game's music.)

Zoo Keeper[]

The Nerd: Next, we have Zoo Keeper. You run around bricking in animals to make sure they don't escape. The sounds in this game are hilarious!

(Funny sounds effects play as the score is counted in the tutorial before gameplay)

It's kinda weird that he bricks them in. I mean, that would be a pretty shitty zoo. Yeah, imagine... paying $20 just to get into a zoo and all the animals are behind brick walls! ...Like Roger Waters... ...I mean, there was the album, the Pink Floyd album Animals? And then there was, uh... The Wall?

Syvalion[]

The Nerd: Here's the most metal fuckin' game so far! Syvalion [pronounced as "Sill-val-ee-an"], or "Sy-val-ian"?

Announcer: "Syvalion."

The Nerd: You control the Mecha Dragon — a robot motherfuckin' dragon in space blowin' fire on everything! This game seems like it'd be amazing, but you die so easily. (Explodes spectacularly) I mean, how in the Hell do you make a game about a mecha dragon suck? (Explodes spectacularly, again) That's a letdown.

Plump Pop[]

The Nerd: Plump Pop is another game that is kinda like another game, but with a twist. It's Breakout or Arkanoid, but instead of launching a ball at blocks, you're launching your child at flying saucers! It's a game about child endangerment in the name of saving the world from aliens?! Imagine, if the only way to save the world was to launch your own child into the fucking stratosphere! Smash into UFOs! Oh, my God, just for a medal of Goddamn honor!

Front Line[]

The Nerd: Front Line. This game is basically the prelude to Ikari Warriors, except even worse. I mean, holy shit, is it bad! This might be the worst game in the entire collection. So, unlike Ikari Warriors, here you play a guy who is constantly unhinging all of his joints. His legs are all floppy and he can't hit shit with his gun. I'd rather brush my teeth with aardvark shit — that's ground up, digested dead ants stuck to my teeth. Fuck this game.

Wild Western[]

The Nerd: Wild Western is shitty too, but not as shitty as Front Line. It's damn close. It's hard as fuck to hit anything, and it controls like ass. The best part of the game is the fucked up looking horse in the cutscene in-between levels, and it looks like it has Homer Simpson's mouth or somethin'.

The Fairyland Story[]

The Nerd: The Fairyland Story is a pretty bizarre game. It's one of those games where you have to clear the screen to move on, like in Bubble Bobble, but here, you play as a witch who turns enemies into cakes! After a few levels, she rides around on a goofy ass wingless dragon. Also, in a later level, there's crosses and shit in the background, and you have to fight the Pope. What in God's name is goin' on?!

Don Doko Don[]

The Nerd: Don Doko Don is another similar game. You're a gnome in... "Marry Land". I'm sure they meant "Merryland" or "Mary Land", or the state of Maryland? You clear screens with the saddest attack ever! I mean, it's hard as shit to hit anything because your hammer has zero range. Yeah, I hate this game.

Kiki KaiKai[]

The Nerd: KiKi KaiKai (the title is in kanji: "奇々怪界") is a weird one; it's almost like a shoot-em-up, but not. It's actually a prequel to the SNES game Pocky & Rocky. You play as a Japanese priestess who's family gets taken away on a boat or something, so you set out to save them. It's insanely hard, and has no continues, so I didn't get very far. One thing, what is this snake? Wh-what is this snake here? What is this thing comin' outta the shrine?! Ah! Ah, what is this shit?!

Qix, Super Qix, & Volfied[]

The Nerd: Qix, Super Qix, and Volfied are all the same game, really. You draw lines and try to clear away parts of the level while avoiding enemies and stuff that flies around the screen.

Chack'n Pop[]

The Nerd: Chack'n Pop is a game that has all the enemies from Bubble Bobble. I think it's kind of like a prequel... or somethin'? You play as... some kinda... thing named Mr. Chack'n, and your hearts get stolen. So, you navigate a maze to find and release them. The game plays like garbage! You drop bombs to attack, but they kinda just do... whatever they fuckin' feel like. Sometimes, the bomb goes in front of me, and sometimes behind me. But either way, I'll always end up dead. Yeah, I've beat one level of this piss puddle; would rather punch myself in the nut sack than play another.

Rainbow Islands: The Story of Bubble Bobble 2[]

The Nerd: I've talked about Bubble Bobble before, you all know the gist of it, but here's the sequel: Rainbow Islands. I'd never guess that this is a sequel to Bubble Bobble, but it says right there on the title screen: "The Story Of Bubble Bobble 2". Well, then what about Bubble Bobble 2 on the Nintendo? Oh, we'll get into that some other time.

The Nerd: You play as a chubby kid in a lederhosen, with a magical ability to throw rainbows. What's kinda cool is that you can use them to walk up to higher platforms. I mean, it's a pretty competent platformer game, but it scrolls upwards instead of sideways. So, even though it feels very different from Bubble Bobble, I gotta say, it's pretty fun.

Bust-A-Move Again[]

The Nerd: Another game related to Bubble Bobble is Bust-A-Move Again. Later on, the Bubble Bobble dragons would even show up in the series. This is one of the most addicting games in the compilation. Each level's background moves forward in time. You have the Big Bang or somethin', a caveman, and.... (notices an ape in the background appears) Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that thing?! Oh, fuck this game! I never wanna see it again!

Plotting[]

The Nerd: Taito did some puzzle games well, and others...not so well. Plotting is a garbage fire. You throw blocks at other blocks. It has weird music and bland as hell graphics. And that's it.

Tube-It & Cleopatra Fortune[]

The Nerd: Tube-It and Cleopatra Fortune, on the other hand are... pretty cool Tetris-like games, and are really easy to sink some time into, especially Tube-It. Y'know, this is a good game! I should play it some more! But I got too many shitty games to get to.

Puchi Carat[]

The Nerd: Puchi Carat is a weird one. Who would've thought, with a name like that? It's like Breakout, but this time, you have to knock down jewels. If you miss, the jewels get lower. I died right away, but I got super lucky and fucked up the computer player, but the characters in the background are so annoying! They jump around.... and yell... and do... a bunch of weird anime shit... it's super distracting, and makes the action hard to follow.

Cameltry[]

The Nerd: Even weirder is Cameltry. Why is it called "Cameltry"? Well... because there's a camel in the logo. Why is there a camel in the logo? I have no idea because there's zero camels anywhere in the game. It's all about navigating a marble through a rotating maze. Maybe it's meant for camels to try?

(cut to footage of a 3-D animated camel with a Cameltry cabinet next to it, with the Nerd imitating it)

"Oh, can Cameltry, can Cameltry, Cameltry?" (chuckles)

Battle Shark[]

The Nerd: Taito also made some pretty decent shooting games, like Battle Shark. In the arcade, the machine actually had you lookin' through a periscope and firing at things, but on the TV, it's pretty plain. You shoot torpedoes at other subs. I mean—I mean, it's okay.

(The opening cutscene plays)

Character: "Let's get to work, Battle Shark!"

Space Gun[]

The Nerd: Space Gun is an alien inspired shooter. It's really bloody, too! Alien chunks splatter on the screen, and they EXPLODE in spectacular fashion! There's people I need to save, but I accidentally shoot them. They run at you while you're in the middle of a firefight, so it's their own damn fault. Fuckin' idiots!

Operation Wolf[]

The Nerd: There's a game here called Operation Wolf, where every time you fire your gun, the screen will start flashing in a way that's so horrible, it could possibly cause seizures. I'm not joking around, and for that reason, I'm not gonna show it. So, this makes it a rare instance where a game is actually so bad... that I can't show it for safety and health reasons.

Operation Thunderbolt[]

The Nerd: Luckily, the sequel, Operation Thunderbolt, gets rid of the flashing, and is a lot more fun. The action is pretty intense. You play as a green beret fighting terrorists and saving hostages. They're as dumb as the ones from Space Gun, and just run at you while you're firing. You destroy everything; terrorists, tanks, Jeeps, boats, fighter jets... and with nothing but an Uzi. I mean, damn! That fuckin' Uzi is a weapon of mass destruction. Nukes would look at this Uzi and say, "Nah, fuck this, I'm outta here!"

The Nerd: I like how the terrorists drive tanks through the hallways of their office (chuckles) buildings! How do they get in and out? At the end, you have to save the pilot. I think that you can accidentally kill him, but I was too good, and wasted the leader and flew the hostages home. All in a day's work for the green beret guy and his magical super Uzi.

Tokio[]

The Nerd: So, now from light gun shooters to shoot-em-ups, Taito had a lot of really good ones, but one that sucks crocodile cock is Tokio, which could be a typo, because it takes place in Tokyo. It's slow, boring, and when you die, you have to wait for the game to reset. And there's no continue, so if you die, that's it! The projectiles are practically invisible, so I die constantly. You can get power-ups, but they can actually be shot down! Just skip this one.

Gun Frontier[]

The Nerd: Gun Frontier is another weird one. It's a Wild West space shooter. Your ship is a big gun with wings, and the bosses are giant revolvers. It has the same problem as Tokio, though. When you die, it sends ya back. I got stuck at this mini boss for a while. It's not a bad game, but fuck it, anyway.

Metal Black[]

The Nerd: Gekirindan, Grid Seeker, and Metal Black are all three very generic shooters with different gimmicks. Honestly, I have trouble remembering which one is which. Metal Black has a bunch of block things that powers your laser, or gives you a super powerful beam that kills everything.

Gekirindan[]

The Nerd: Gekirindan has space helicopters! Yeah! Space helicopters! Also, you go back in time to fight old timey planes, with super space planes. Yeah, imagine being in the 1940s, during World War II, and a fuckin' space helicopter comes outta nowhere and obliterates your whole squad!

Grid Seeker[]

The Nerd: Grid Seeker tells the story of the Second Persian Gulf War that happened in the distant future. The "distant future" of 1999. So, it's sorta like they kinda almost predicted the Iraq War. Although, the big difference; there was no giant fucking octopus tank!

RayStorm[]

The Nerd: RayStorm is a mediocre 3-D shooter. It looks awesome, but it plays like the rest.

Darius Gaiden & G-Darius[]

The Nerd: Taito also included Darius Gaiden and G-Darius, which are pretty popular shoot-em-ups. They're fine, I guess. They play mostly like R-Type and Gradius. G-Darius is in 3-D, and has an attack that lets you take possession of enemy ships to use as weapons. They're pretty cool games, but what I don't understand is: why the fuck all the bosses are giant fish robots? It's the strangest theme I've ever seen in a shooter like this. They all have weird ass names, like: "Ancient Dozer" and "Prickly Angler". I think I asked this earlier, but, what they were they smoking?

Exzisus[]

The Nerd: The best Taito Legends shooter I've played has to be... "Exzisus". Exz-exzeesus? This game is a blast to play. You play as a flying dude who can turn into a ship. The difficulty is fair, so you know what, this was another one I thought would be ass, but I'm gonna have to give it a pass.

Insector X[]

The Nerd: Of course, this being Taito, there has to be a cutesy shooter, and here you have Insector X. You're a cute character shooting cute bugs in cute levels.

(A bee enemy is killed. Suddenly, the scene replays itself in slow motion, then a distorted version of the Honey Nut Cheerios jingle plays as a gravestone saying "RIP Honey Nut Cheerios Bee" with a picture of the Honey Nut Cheerios bee appears as the screen around it turns grayscale)

That being said, this game is not easy. It's one of the hardest shooters in the whole collection. I died over and over, again, and eventually, had to just move on, because I have so many other games to get through. So it may look cute, but it's a fuckin' asshole in disguise!

The NewZealand Story[]

The Nerd: From cutesy shooters to cutesy platformers, we got The NewZealand Story. This is another one on the "I don't know" pile. Why is it THE NewZealand Story? Is this how New Zealand was discovered? When a walrus kidnapped a bunch of kiwi birds, one of which was smokin' a cigarette?! Please, if you're watching this in New Zealand, what is it that I don't know? Am I missing something here? Do the kiwis shoot bows and arrows and fly around on geese? Do they fight giant frozen whales?! And when they die, do they go to heaven, like in this game?! Please, let me know...

Liquid Kids[]

The Nerd: Next is Liquid Kids. "Liquid Kids"? ...What the hell? It feels kinda like a sequel to The NewZealand Story, but now you play as....this thing named Hippo... I guess it's a hippo? And you throw water balloons at stuff. It's another batshit drug fueled acid trip, but you should be used to that by now. I kinda am.

Bonze Adventure[]

The Nerd: Bonze Adventure. In Japan, this game is called Hell Tour. Trust me, just wait. This game is fucked up. It may look like a fun, cute game, but this shit gets dark, and the game starts out like every other Taito game: it's difficult, but fun, and you go through all the levels and fight monsters, and platforming, and then... you reach it. The "Bloody Pond". A level that has absolutely no place in this game, or any game!

There's no music; just the sound of a blood pond sloshing around. Decaying limbs stick outta the blood, and eyeballs bounce you around. This menacing fish thing follows, you as you desperately seek the exit and end this nightmare! By the way, this game was made by Kenji Kaido, the guy who produced Tomba, Ape Escape, and Shadow of the Colossus. Wow, he's fucked up.

The Nerd: Now, to lighten the mood, who likes some sports? Hopefully you do, because Taito has sports titles! Full disclosure: they all suck. But we're doin' them all, so sit tight.

Alpine Ski[]

The Nerd: Alpine Ski? More like Alpine Pee! Seriously, this game is ass and a half. If I could, I'd throw this game across the street into my neighbor's yard so they could be like, "What the fuck is this?" and throw it away for me. Because I'm not soiling my trash can with it.

Continental Circus[]

The Nerd: Continental Circus is pretty much like Pole Position, with much better graphics, and horrific explosions. (The car crashes, flips over, hits a signpost and explodes spectacularly) Well, that driver is D-E-D: DED!

Hat Trick Hero[]

The Nerd: Hat Trick Hero is a shitty soccer game. But it does let you play as Guile on the USA team. Nah just kiddin'. But why do Japanese people think that Americans have that triangle ass hairstyle? Yeah, so this is another boring one, and— Oh, look, I've scored a goal. Good, I'll turn it off, now.

Great Swordsman[]

The Nerd: The only sports title worth shit is Great Swordsman. It's a fencing game, that's pretty fun. You can attack high, medium, and low, and just try to jab your opponent. Sometimes, you can even knock off their helmet. Wait, what's going on her—? Do the judges all look like Adolf Hitler?! Oh, my God, what the fuck?! The second level is Kendo, but I sucked at it and died.

Gladiator[]

The Nerd: That's brings us to the next game, which plays like a pseudo sequel to Great Swordsman: Gladiator. You walk automatically through a dungeon, avoiding bats and fire. Eventually, you reach an enemy, and the game goes into a one-on-one fight. The point is to knock their armor off and strike the exposed part. If you win, you move on to the next one. If you lose, the guy does an awkward jig over your corpse.

The Nerd: You fight a woman at one point, who laughs and celebrates when she knocks all your clothes off. I couldn't beat the boss; he's some guy who blows fire... I dunno, fuck it, next game.

Thunder Fox[]

The Nerd: Thunder Fuckin' Fox. You're a shirtless badass running into enemy lines, stabbing the ever-loving shit out of anyone stupid enough to fuck with you! This game is pretty awesome! You can get into vehicles, pick up a bunch of weapons like grenades, handguns, flamethrowers, and missile launchers.

The Nerd: Level 2 starts off like a side scrolling shooter, as you make your way to a flying battleship. Then when you reach the ship, you get to mow down enemies in the sky. This one is also a lotta fun. Also, I love when you gets sucked out the door of the ship; it's hilarious. Whoa, look at 'im go! Next, we have The Legend of Kage— Oh, no! It already got its own episode! That greedy son of a bitch can go suck a shit out of an orangutan's ass!

Rastan[]

The Nerd: Next is Rastan. You're a Conan-type barbarian layin' waste to a whole bunch of enemies. Bats, lizard people, four armed skeleton guys; all shall fall to the might of Rastan! It's fun, but it's hard, especially at Level 2. If you die, you get sent back to the beginning, which is brutal.

Nastar[]

The Nerd: The sequel is Nastar (Warrior), which is Rastan spelled backwar-wait, no, it isn't. It's just Rastan scrambled up. I mean, what kinda gimmick is that? It'd be like making a sequel to Mario Bros., and calling it "Maroi Bros." Anyway, this game is kinda lame compared to Rastan; it has cutscenes, but good luck reading dark blue text on a black background! Even when you can read it, it makes no sense. "I have opened a fire."? Huh? The best part of this game is when he jumps in the air, and thrusts his sword downward, it looks like he's sawing his dick off! He is sawing his dick off!

Elevator Action[]

The Nerd: So. the sequel to Rastan was lame... but one sequel that blows its original away is Elevator Action Returns. The original Elevator Action was an old school arcade game. You play as a secret agent, who sneaks into a building to collect intel, moving down elevators, and fighting off enemies. You make it to your car and then speed off.

Elevator Action II[]

The Nerd: Elevator Action Returns takes that concept and ramps it to eleven. This game is awesome! With expansive levels that sprawl and change as you move through them, and tons of enemies to fight and different weapons to collect. You also get to play as three different characters: Kart Bradfield, Edie Burret and Jad the... Taff? "Jad the Taff"? I mean, what does that mean? He's "The Taff"?

The Nerd: So, of course, I became The Taff, and blasted everyone to Hell. I love this airport level, where you just crash a helicopter, and you come out shooting. Talk about making an entrance! Also, this transition between the exterior and interior of the plane is really neat. This game is mindless, but I love it, and I played the shit out of it.

Kuri Kinton[]

The Nerd: Next on the list, we have Kuri Kinton. It's another weird one. You're a karate guy who rides in on a moped, shoots hadoukens, and can meditate to make a shield. Looks neat, but it's super repetitive.

The Nerd: Phew. Well, we're gettin' down to the wire, now. Only a few games left, but don't worry, I've saved the most Taitoy Taito game for last! Taito's beat-em-ups are insane! Fuck games like Streets of Rage or Final Fight! They're not quirky and fucked up enough to a guy like me, anymore! Taito has shown me the way!

The Ninja Kids[]

The Nerd: First, The Ninja Kids. Imagine the TMNT Arcade game, but replace the turtles with Sesame Street puppets who cut people in half and fight motherfuckin' Satan, and you have The Ninja Kids. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. "The Satan". Eh, it has some interesting shit. I especially like the boss fight against a werewolf. The moon acts as the enemy's life bar, which is a neat touch.

Dungeon Magic[]

The Nerd: Dungeon Magic is pretty neat, too; It's a fantasy-themed beat-em-up with branching paths and a ton of items and weapons to collect. It's at an isometric view, which gets kinda annoying when you're trying to hit enemies at an angle.

Arabian Magic[]

The Nerd: Arabian Magic kinda reminds me of Golden Axe, if all the characters just shit their pants and were walkin' around with anus gravy caved in their cracks. You can unleash a genie to attack enemies, and even get new ones from bosses you beat. It's your average arcade beat-em-up.

Growl[]

The Nerd: Growl, however, is anything but average. How so? Well, you play as Hulk Hogan and Indiana JONES! This game is Taito as fuck! It takes place in the early 20th century, but has a ton of weapons that weren't invented until the late 20th century. The mission is to save animals from an army of evil shit-bag poachers. What's actually cool is that there aren't that many level breaks, other than a lava cave you go into. All the levels are part of a long ass background that scrolls. Every time you put a coin in the game, it says, "Hey, C'mon!"

Announcer (V/O): "Hey, c'mon!" (x3)

The Nerd: I entered coins just to hear this. It sounds cool. After you lay waste to hundreds of animal hating fuckfaces, you face the evil king of the poachers, who turns out to be a giant alien worm! See, I told you this game was Taito as fuck! You kill 'im, and all the animals come to hang out. This game is hilarious, weird, good fun, and that's kinda what I'm here for, now. If it wasn't weird, I'd be pissed.

Violence Fight[]

The Nerd: Phew... okay, so here we go, here it comes; this is by far, without a doubt, the Taitoest of all Taito titles on Taito Legends! It is: VIOLENCE FIGHT! From the very beginning, this game has already given me more material to talk about with just this text wall than any game ever could.

The Nerd: "In the early part of the 1950s in the USA, a game called 'Violence Fight' was in vogue among mafia, reckless drivers and general businessmen. The Violence Fight was the game to struggle for 'No. 1 Quarreler' with fighters who were gathered from all parts of the USA speaking boastingly of their strength. And of course a lot of winning money as well as the honor were given to the 'Winner'. Here in a downtown in L.A. a young fighter 'Bat' and his manager 'Blinks' seek for the winning money eagerly. As a matter of fact, can Bad take the No. 1 place of the USA?"

The Nerd: Wait, they spelled his name two different ways? Is it "Bad", or "Bat"? Yeah! Here ya go; his name is Bat Blue! Like Labatt Blue? Maybe he's a Canadian beer fan. Wait, no! It's "Bad Blue" on the character select! Make up your mind! He's the main character; you can't decide what his name is?! "Lick Joe?! "LICK Joe"?! His name is Lick Joe!!! I'm-I'm sorry, Bad Blue, or Bat Blue, or Labatt Blue; I'm gonna have to pick Lick Joe! Okay, let's get into the game— I'm sorry, Lick Joe! LICK JOE!

The Nerd: "Hey, everybody! Who wants to Lick Joe?!" Oh, fuck names like: Ryu, and Ken, Scorpion, Sub-Zero— LICK MOTHERFUCKIN' JOE! A'ight, that's the best name I ever heard, so anyway, according to his bio, "he killed 13 wrestlers during playing." What kinda wrestling promotion lets a guy wrestle after killing thirteen wrestlers?! Why is he not in jail?! Instead, he's allowed to be in the Violence Fight?! Well, I mean, it is the Violence Fight. Oh my God, it controls like ass. It's kinda like an even shitter version of Pit Fighter! But y'know what? It's got Lick Joe, and that more than makes up for it.

The Nerd: Between matches, you get this awful art of the characters and their manager. It's kinda like the taunting screens in Street Fighter, but in Violence Fight, it's fucked to shit. "Sammy You!"?! What is that supposed to mean? "Sammy... you"? "Sammy you"— is it tryna say that... Sammy is you? Or... it's just sayin' Sammy to you? Like... like... "fuck you!"? Oh, I've been wasting my time with curse words like "shit", "fuck", and... and "ass", "bitch", bu-but Taito comes along into my life and shows me the real way! Th-the real mack daddy of curse words! No, instead of "fuck you", I'm sayin' "Sammy you"! "Hey! Sammy you, you Sammin' MotherSammier!"

The Nerd: Every time you hit an enemy, these weird words show up, like: "DOGOON", and "BOGON", and "GOON". Is it, like, the sound that the hits make? Like an onomatopoeia? Which is... a weird word itself. But anyway, what the fuck sound is "DOGOON"? Imagine if you were watchin' the '60s Batman, and every time someone gets hit, instead of saying "BAM!", "POW!", "BIFF!!!", it said: "DOGOON", "BOGON" and "GOON".

The Nerd: Seriously, I cannot praise this game enough. It's comedic genius. I mean, you could have the funniest comedians of all time write for years, and never come close to the perfection that is Violence Fight. Why are you fighting a TIGER?! What the fuck is "Score a point over"?! Why are the Twin Towers in the background of 1950s LOS ANGELES?! Violence Fight! that's fuckin' why! The tirst rule of Violence Fight, is you TALK about Violence Fight! Fuck Mortal Kombat, or Street Fighter, or any of these other... fighting games on next-gen consoles— NO! I want fuckin' Violence Fight!

(A montage of the games are presented, set to the opening theme of Taito Legends 2.)

The Nerd: Phew... Well, that's Taito Legends. There was some good, some bad... some ugly, and then there was Violence Fight. But I gotta end this, because... this was a marathon, sixty-eight games over those two discs, and if you count The Legend of Kage on NES, that was sixty-nine games reviewed this month. Sixty-nine, dudes!

Trivia[]

  • Starting with this episode, the word "FUCK!" in the intro animation by Exit 73 Studios is replaced with "?!#?#!", most likely due to demonetization.
  • Since the Nerd only had the PS2 version of Taito Legends 2, the Xbox-exclusive titles Cadash, RayForce, Bubble Symphony, and Pop'n Pop are not mentioned, nor are the ones from the final PSP collection, Taito Legends Power-Up: Space Chaser and Space Dungeon.
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