James D. Rolfe: Thanks for watching this episode of Angry Video Game Nerd on Raid 2020 which is about stopping crimes in the future, but the real crime is having your unencrypted data being harvested by hackers, governments, and corporations!
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(11 years ago)
(A clip from Bible Games 2 plays)
(The episode cuts back to 2020 where the Nerd cowards in fear having to review Raid 2020, he then picks up the game and puts it in the NES. After playing the game for 5 seconds, he looks at the audience.)
The Nerd: This is what we all been waiting for?
(Metal cover of AVGN theme by Psychostick plays)
The Nerd: Well, I hope you didn't expect much, because it was a throwaway line, you know? Heh, the year 2020, I'll be reviewing Raid 2020. (Sigh) I wish I didn't say that. It was like pissing up a drainage pipe. It all comes back to yah. I mean, I figured that's a long time, I mean who knows if I'll even still be alive or if the Earth would exist anymore. But here we are, so what am I gonna do, bailout? I mean, I could, it was just a hypothetical quote, wasn't legally signed or notarized. I said maybe I'll review it, like maybe if I do we can all shut the fuck up about it. It was one of those unlicensed baby-blue cartridges made by Color Dreams which I already talked about or, I I talked about it. Did I, no really I'm asking, did I? Cuz it was a long time ago, I can't remember shit now. So what the hell, good stories are worth retelling.
(Sketches are shown visualising the story)
Basically, Color Dreams was making unlicensed NES games much to the ire of Nintendo. And Nintendo decided if they weren't making money off of these pieces of shit then nobody else should. Executives from Nintendo then contacted all retailers who were selling Color Dreams Games and demanded they stop or their supply of real NES games would be cut off. Yeah, imagine a game store that didn't have any Mario game, but it had Castle of Deceit, and Death Bots, and Menace Beach, and all that shit. And back then, retailers couldn't afford to be cut off by Nintendo so they just had to say "Hey, sorry Color Dreams, you're gonna have to fuck off". And then Color Dreams, without anywhere to sell their games, thought "Huh, what would Jesus do?". Yeah, so Color Dreams rebranded to WisdomTree or more like stupid ass piece of shit tree and sold their games in christian bookstores, which weren't selling video games to begin with, they were selling christian books. On top of this, they figured Nintendo wouldn't go after christian bookstores or else they'd suffer the wrath of God because if there's one person Nintendo knew they couldn't tangle with, it was Jesus fucking Christ. And as you know, they switched over to making Bible games and even before that, they already had the market cornered with shitty, unlicensed, mediocre, garbage that Nintendo wanted nothing to do with and that's how we have, Raid 2020.
Honestly, the cyberpunk cover art looks pretty cool with that Blade Runner vibe. Huh, Blade Runner took place in 2019, so was Raid 2020 trying to be a bootleg sequel or something? Probably not, since the working title of the game was Drug Czar. (Trying to pronounce it) Drug Czar, Drug Czar. Well, on with the game, let's play Drug Czar 2020.
(Footage of the game is shown)
Now that's a title screen, you got an uzi machine gun and a bottle of, Moose pills or something. I think those are lines of cocaine? I like this here, "Winners fight drugs". Like it's not enough to say no to drugs, that's pussy shit. In the year 2020, if you wanna be a winner, you gotta actually fight drugs! (Laughs) Yeah, that's one hell of a thought, could you imagine fighting drugs literally. Just getting a big sack of drugs and just punching the shit out of it, Rocky Balboa style? Yeah, speed bag, with actual speed.
(A clip from the movie, Rocky is shown where Rocky Balboa is punching a bag. But edited to where drugs are coming out of the bag)
Alright, I'm gonna start this filth up again for you, but first, let's take in this moment. I'm playing Raid 2020, in the year 2020.
(The Nerd reads text from the game)
"A.D. 2020. A plague of-" By the way, I had to do a freeze-frame here because it flashes by so quickly, you'll never have time to read it. "-narcotics transcending the bounds of race, economy, and time have put a strangle hold on America." Wait, what the fuck? Transcending time? The Drugs are transcending time, what like they're coming from the future? You're going into the future to get the drugs or the people from the future traveling back to sell them? I mean I don't know what, but if you had the capabilities with time travel, you've got to be really doped up if the first thought on your mind is getting more drugs!
(The rest of the text says "You must destroy Pitbull, the drug kingpin who has become the overlord of this sinister empire.")
So you play as a drug enforcement guy or detective or private whatever, but he looks more shady than any of the enemies you gun down. He's like a criminal from a cartoon; he looks like the dude on the neighborhood, watch sign, and his name is Shadow, ooh, Shadow. My first major complaint is that the "B "and "A" buttons are switched, with "B" for jump and "A" for attack. But I'm beginning to think that's actually more common now, meaning actual good games are less standard than this mountain of turkey turds. Now speaking of turds, it's not that common when a game that shit, actually has shit in it. The birds fire feces all over the place, and what's really great, the thing I absolutely love is that you can shoot the shit. I never played this game in any year other than 2020. But I couldn't imagine this in the 80's (meaning 1980's), going to school and telling my friends, "I was just playing this Nintendo game where I shot up a bunch of mutant bird turds.". But the real funny thing and what this game might be alluding to is there actually was a sport in the 60's and 70's (meaning 1960's and 1970's), mostly in Eastern Europe and South Africa, which was actually shooting bird turds because it was like a high level skill. It was one thing to shoot a bird, but to time it right when the turds are dropping from its foul anus, actually nobody does that I'm just kidding.
Okay, where was I? Oh, the game, the objective is simple, you kill drug dealers. Tons of them, all kinds, some are tall, some are short, some are sad, some are glad, and some are very, very bad. Why are they glad and sad and bad? I do not know, go ask your dad. You even have cyborg drug dealers, now I'm willing to accept the idea of fighting drug-dealing cyborgs, but what's with the birds, bats, and bugs? Is nature attacking too, just for the hell of it? Are the animals all high on drugs, is that what's going on here? Are the birds bad guys, is that why they're wearing eye masks like the Hamburglar. And there's poop splattered anuses on the floor and if you step on them, you're dead instantly. And yeah, I looked them up in the instruction manual and that's what they're called, "poop splattered anuses". Yeah now you're not gonna trust anything I say, but if you believe one thing, it's that this game is garbage. Its shit packed, the most dense capacity. Revolting controls, putrid piss graphics, audio baffling glitches, made from the imagination of a stinkbug, and above all, it's repetitive. You just gun down everything in sight, for hours and hours. Man, this guy has such a high body count. He's a flat-out serial killer, I mean I know he's a cop taking down bad guys, but what was the crime again, drugs? Well, I mean I get it, the game is anti drugs and sure, drugs are bad, but what's the punishment, murder?!
It's basically a crapped of the arcade game, NARC, where you shoot the fuck out of drug dealers. Well, NARC was already made into a crappy NES game, this game is a shittier version of the shitty version of NARC. For a game going out on a shooting spree, your gun is almost useless. Your bullet disappears if you fire another one too soon, so you can't hit the button rapidly or else your bullets won't go anywhere. It's kind of like taking a shit on an escalator, you watch that log of cookie go up, up, up, up, until it's gone and then it just comes back again with a whole- it's not like that at all, sorry. Every now and then, you go through a door and slip into this alternate side level where you have to hop across what looks like these wooden support beams for piers. You wouldn't think these things would be such a nuisance, but try jumping across them and you get that choppy perception, that special shitty slippery feeling you get when playing garbage bin NES games. And where the hell am I supposed to be anyway, looks like the training stage from Karate Kid.
(An edited sprite of Daniel kicks the main character off the wooden pier)
Oh look, there he is! Aw fuck! Back to the main part of the stage, moving around sucks. You think pressing up or down would make you go up or down, but instead, you move diagonally. They had to get fancy with it, I think a 3D perspective was a little too ambitious for a game that can't even get "B" and "A" right. Sometimes I'll try to go in a door and accidentally step on a mine. And other times, I want get away from the door, and get stuck going in and out. It requires a level of precision this game doesn't deserve. The wicked out perspective only gets fuckier, when you get the jetpack, which can only be found in the left door. Don't even try to enter the right door, all it does is send you to the left door without the jetpack on. Please, tell me if that makes any sense because I feel like I'm losing my FUCKING MIND HERE! But anyway, this jetpack is the best thing this game has to offer. Now you can just fly over half the level and access items that you couldn't reach. There's boots all over the place and I have no idea what they do. I thought they'd let you walk over the poop splattered anuses, but sometimes it works and other times, you get blown the fuck up.
(A clip from Ernest Goes to Jail pops up)
Ernest P. Worrell: I've got blowed up.
The Nerd: There's also upgrades for your gun, but the projectiles just dance around the enemies like in Fester's Quest. Especially the one that fires in a circle, how is that supposed to hit anything? Like look at this shit, I can't even kill this crow. Maybe the bullets are made of crows. When you beat the level, it says "Good job Shadow. Drug trafficking activity has decreased... but the pier is still infested with dealers. Go save our pier!". Wow, so we're not fucking around here, we really have to kill every, single, person we see. Damn. (Sighs) So let's go back through the level and gun down every last degenerate fuck. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead! Okay, did I kill enough fucking people?! I don't see anyone else! So, I exit the level again, and... What the fuck! Who did I miss, all that's left are the bugs, birds, and bats! Are they all drug dealers too? Wow, what a bleak future Color Dreams painted for the year 2020. The drug epidemics gotten so bad, that even the local wild life is trying to get you high. Could you imagine walking through the park and the pigeon's trying to get you hooked on heroin?! Ok, I figured it out, and you're not gonna believe this. Extra enemies will respawn when you hit the select button. Yeah, when you bring up the menu and then come back out of the menu, there'll be certain enemies there that weren't there before. So you have to go back through every room, hitting the select button to make them all show up. Yeah, I walk through this level like five times, and there's only one enemy left to kill. Well damn, you think maybe, we could let that one guy live? I mean after all, he was hiding in a room after you've just laid waste to everything on the pier! I mean, after witnessing the death of all his drug-dealing friends, don't you think, maybe he'll change his ways? Well, in the year 2020, winners fight drugs.
Alright so I killed the last guy and finally, I'm off to the second level. It starts up and WOAH! I'm on a boat now?! Well, at least the game has some variety. There's a tiny helicopter face-fucking me, I'm stuck in-between an alligator with whiskers, and a coked-up killer whale. This is quite a scene. It's drug fueled madness where you can't touch anything. Rocks kill you in one hit, turrets shoot in every direction, helicopters slam into you, orcas are swimming everywhere, and of course, logs of shabby-looking chocolate bars, that fell in the toilet next to a log of shit. You can upgrade your weapon here but now you move at half the speed, so you're not doing much to help yourself, like blowing your nose into a tissue that you just used to wipe your asshole. You just gotta destroy all the helicopters and now, we're ready to move on to level 3. You know, so far for a game that takes place in the year 2020, it seems fairly accurate. I mean there's no flying cars or futuristic shit, just piers, boats, seagulls that attack. Exaggerated, but still set in a normal world. So unlike Street Fighter 2010, I think Color Dreams actually got the time period correct.
OH BOY! HOLY SHIT, It's the space city of Technopolis, populated with robots, flying saucers, blue worms, electric snowballs, guys with faces impaled with bazookas, yeah that's the style in 2020! And you can turn into a spaceship shooting sonic booms or a motorcycle, now this is the future I was expecting!
In Game text: Well done! Pilot the Czar 1 ship to new L.A. and find Pitbull. You must destroy the drug satellite on the way.
The Nerd: Then you get a message saying to destroy the drugs satellite. And then you, w-w-w-wait, drug satellite?! DRUG, SATELLITE! Wow, now my mind's blown. They're actually broadcasting the drugs, via sate- (laughing). Oh, well it is the year 2020, I mean maybe now they're actually doing that. I mean that's how I feel playing this, LIKE I'M GOING INSANE! Woah-woah-woah-woah what now?! The game, turned into Action 52! Oh my god, I don't even know what's going on. I'm just mashing buttons hoping I'm hitting shit. Next stage, is back to normal, running around a laundry room fighting giant mice. Yeah that's normal for this game. Sadly though, I died and ran outta continues. I'm sorry, but I'm not playing that boat level or getting gang banged by the drug satellite and it's blue balls another 50 times. So, I'm gonna use a level skip code, (sigh) and this code, you're not gonna believe how you do it. Seriously, you're going to think I'm making it up, but I promise you for real, this is actually how you do the code. You need to plug in the second controller. Why you have to plug in the second controller to enter a code for a one player game, is beyond me. So on controller one, you hold "up" and "A", and on controller two, you hold "up". Have fun with that. Then you let go on the first controller and hit the "B" button and then hold "B"to hit select, keeping keeping them on. You just don't hold B, it's a tap and a hold. I guess they figured they fucked up the game so bad, they might as well make the code something so secret, that no one will ever guess how it's done. Well I would have never guessed that. So mission accomplished. And that's not all, you have to do it during gameplay. Not at the title screen, not while paused. It's the only code I know that's this complicated and that you also have to do while fending off enemies. Imagine if you're doing the Contra code, but you have to plug in an NES four score and four controllers. On controller one you it up, up, on controller two, down, down, on controller three, left, right, left, right, and on controller four you hit "B", "A", start. What was Color Dreams thinking? I bet nuclear launch codes aren't as complicated as this.
So, back to the shit show. I'm getting shot at from all angles. There's robots turrets and mines all over the place. The goal is to destroy the villain, Pitbull's computers, and it's one of those where the fuck do you go kind of stages. I ran all around but every door brought me back to the beginning. Then I found out by accident that you have to go into this black rectangle next to the doors to get to the top. You know, I don't even question it anymore, at this point I've seen almost anything. Oh, and these rectangles are everywhere, but it's this specific one that actually does anything. And just to think, I found it by accident. By missing the door that I thought I was trying to get into. You know, it's like with this game, the only way to beat it is to fuck up your way into winning. So you walk along the rafters, killing the giant mice and evil motherfucking molecules until you get to this green thing that's apparently the computer card. But what's next? Well then you drop down and enter the door. Now remember, you got to enter the right door, the correct door, not the right one because that sends you back! You got to go to the left door which leads you to this red cave and here you fight spiders and bats, of course. There's also drug dealers, both human and robots. The you have to take a wild guess and press down on one of these circles so you enter, like Mario going down a pipe. And this is the only place in the game with these pits, so seriously, how are you supposed to know that without blind guessing? Also, you need to enter a specific pit, the third one. All the others just lead back to the beginning. The third pit leads to a cave filled with spiders and two more pits. Luckily this time, I got the correct one on my first try. This leads you to a room with a dealer, and three possible ways out. The sides just lead back out, but the pit leads you to an identical room. Go in the pit again and you find the room with the key. To get the key, you need to kill this giant fucking ant. And if you don't have the gun upgrade, this thing is a pain. You have to run past it and then stand on the drug dealers head, and jump up and down to shoot the ant. How fucked up on drugs is this dealer to let a cop jump on his head repeatedly? Just imagine this scene, a cop, jumping off a drug dealers head, to shoot a giant ant. And this game is anti drugs? Well the developers had to be on something!
So when you kill the ant, make sure you don't kill the dealer until you get the key, otherwise you can't make the jump and have to do the caves again. After getting the key, you just walk back to this door and enter Pitbull's lair.
In Game text: The end is near, ahead lies the final challenge. Only Pitbull's computer card can destroy the control center. You must destroy him to get it.
The Nerd: So here we go, the final confrontation. He's a green guy dressed like Michael Jackson in Thriller I guess. He has absolutely no recognizable pattern; he just walks up swinging drumsticks and fucks you to death while constantly farting. Yeah I mean, listen to it. Listen.
(8-bit farting noise is heard)
It's a fart, yeah I mean you could get high off his farts. His farts are basically like the ghosts of the drugs he's taken. It's worse than the drug satellite and I can't believe I just made that sentence. You have to keep firing at him an hope it hits. This fight alone with all the times I died, took almost as long to beat as the entire game. But with a lot of luck and a lack of anything else better to do, I was able to beat Pitbull and destroy his command center. Thank fuck! "Congratulations Shadow! You have overcome treacherous obstacles and destroyed Pitbull's evil drug empire. Your success will carry us into a new height in our fight against drugs. Remember, winners need no drugs." and with that, it's over.
(The rest of the text says "Raid 2020 is a Waung and Burke production")
I hope Waung and Burke are happy with themselves! At least the game was trying to push a positive message to keep kids away from drugs, but if anything, it probably made people want to do drugs. It would have helped if the game was actually any good. You know, like Mario 3. Imagine Mario 3 had an anti-drug message, that might of worked. But with this, I feel like I need something. Maybe some Tylenol at least. Well anyway, I'm glad that Raid 2020 is finally done and over with now, and it sort of became like an inside joke, inside where exactly you know. But there exists more games out there with future dates that my future self might have to deal with. Maybe I'll play Phantom 2040 in the year 2040, or Rush 2049 in the year 2049. Then it's only a couple of decades until Cyberball 2070 and if the new game Cyberpunk 2077 sucks, I can play that in 2077. But then in all honesty, I might have the perfect excuse not to, because I'll be 97, or dead. But then in 2084, after my body is replaced by a T800 endoskeleton with human skin, I can review Robotron 2084 or Robot Ron if you prefer. In 2142, I'll upload my conscious into the cloud, transcending physically existence and becoming everything and nothing so I can review Battlefield 2142! I'm glad that one's not for a while. In the year 3000, I'll play Sim City 3000 for the remaining humans after my self-aware mechanical herd of nerds wipes out the majority of the human population. Then, the machines will make a time displacement device and send me back to the years I wasn't reviewing games and review those also. I'll play every Madden in the year they came out. Madden 94, Madden 95, Madden 96 and once I get through all the Madden games, I'll go back to the year 64 and do Mario 64, Pilotwings 64, and all the N64 games with 64 in the title.
(The end screen pops while The Nerd still rambles on, slowly fading out)
And then, just in case you thought it was 1964, I'll go back to the year 1964 and do them all over again. Speaking of which, no one will know the difference because they'd never seen a video game. In fact, they'd be so impressed with it, it would be like some kind of technological miracle. "Who is this weird robot guy who came from the future and brought electronic video TV games?" Then I'll decide "Well, maybe I should started them with Atari 2600 because that would be simpler rather than making somebody play a 3D game who's never seen or heard of a video game" but then I figure, 'Why not go to the year 2600 to play Atari 2600 and then to the year 7800 for Atari 7800. And wow, that's a long time from now and I don't even think video games exist anymore or the complete opposite. I play Atari Jaguar in the year Jaguar because now Apple's naming all of them and because numbers actually ran out by now and, you know everything else is going on. Poopide, Poopide, turd fuck fuck fuck, and shit sauce... and...ya know? Ah, what were they thinking?