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Countdown_Vampires_(PS1)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Countdown Vampires (PS1) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(Title card of the episode set with some metal music plays)

The Nerd: First of all, I just wanna say Happy Halloween! Sorry we can't have a big, epic special this year. Hope you're all staying safe. I'm locked down in the Nerd Room, my bunker of ass and aardvark farts, about to play another game that's a steaming pile of shi- like, the steam is the smell visualized. So, today we have Countdown Vampires... count down to me losing my SHIT!

The game was shat out by Bandai to capitalize on the survival horror craze back on the original PlayStation. If you consider games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill to be the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat of the horror world, well, Countdown Vampires is the Time Killers. Actually, that's kinda mean towards Time Killers. This is more like the Shadow: War of Succession of horror games.

(Viper, a character in the game, screams loudly.)

The Nerd: Countdown Vampires is often considered to be a clone of Resident Evil... yeah, if they cloned it from piss, shit, and vomit, with barely any trace of usable DNA! This game is a motherfuckin', malformed mistake of a doppelganger that should be destroyed with fire! The game takes everything Resident Evil does right and fucks it up royally! This is a game people should've been fired for. Surprisingly though, they weren't. The developer, a company called K2, went on to relative success after making this. As a matter of fact, in May 2008, they became part of Capcom, and even helped develop... get this... Resident Evil 5!

Man, I didn't realize how accurate I was in comparing this to Time Killers. It's almost an exact parallel. If you remember from the Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs episode, Incredible Technologies, the developer of Time Killers, got hired by Capcom to develop Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game. Now, K2, a company that developed a shit Resident Evil rip-off, went on to actually work on Resident Evil! Once again, Capcom hired a company that made knockoffs of their games to work on the games they were knockin' off! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!

So, that's the whole story, but now, let me actually play the actual game and show you why it sucked so-...oh, shit!

(Cut to the Nerd's charred PlayStation. Cut back to the Nerd.)

The Nerd: I forgot... My PlayStation got self-destructed. Hmm...

(The Nerd puts the Countdown Vampires disc inside the charred PlayStation, and powers it on. The PlayStation startup screen appears, and the startup music plays. Cut back to the Nerd with a bewildered expression on his face.)

The Nerd: Well, I'll be shit-damned! It works! Alright, let's start countin' down vampires! (laughs in the voice of Dracula) Ah, ah, ah! One thing that flabbergasts my ass is that this game takes 3 goddamn memory card slots. I have no idea why, but luckily, I have the perfect memory card for it.

(The Nerd holds up WCW/NWO Goldberg PS1 memory card and inserts it in memory card slot.)

The Nerd: The first thing you do in the game is enter a name and...blood type. I went with type AB for Astro Bastard. Then, we get this FMV cutscene, which is PlayStation as fuck. It tries really hard to look cool, and introduces us to the main character, Mark McGrath from the band Sugar Ray. Nah, just kiddin', he's a generic douchebag named Keith J. Snyder. He's sent to guard a movie director at this horror-themed casino. According to a file you get in the game, Keith apparently murdered another detective, so to punish him, they send him to work security at a casino. How the fuck does that work? A murderer, somebody who murdered people, murdered a detective, and he doesn't go to prison?! He becomes a security guard at a casino?! Wow!

The intro cutscene is all over the place. It introduces a bunch of characters that never come back in the game. Literally, none of these people are in the game except for the security guard and this waitress. And, the security guard just ends up dead one fuckin' minute into the game! So, pay no attention to this weird SWAT team guy, the movie director, the woman in the red dress, and this gray cat that they show for some reason. I like the cat, though.

After a montage of edgy, late '90s shit, a couple strippers turn into vampires. It's kinda like From Dusk Till Dawn, but more like "Dusk Till Diarrhea". All hell breaks loose, and this one guy just falls trying to go up some stairs. It's pretty hilarious! Then, one of the stripper vampires falls into a pool of jizz or somethin', and turns back to normal.

Keith Snyder: This white water turns them back to normal!

The Nerd: She's still fuckin' dead, but now, she's a dead, normal person, instead of a dead vampire. So, yeah, in this game, the vampires' weakness is not holy water, it's white water. Yeah, so if you ever get chased by some vampires, just hop on a river raft and go down some rapids! That'll stop those blood-sucking fucks! You can shoot vampires with a dart gun and then sprinkle the water to change them back, but there's no reason, especially when you start finding actual guns. The manual says you get a bonus, but it's a dirty lie. Just kill 'em all! So, like I said, the game is a total rip-off of Resident Evil, right down to the awful tank controls and shitty camera angles. It's giving me flashbacks of The Crow.

(Cut to picture of the Crow-Bar, a crowbar with the head of a crow, cawing.)

The Nerd: Not that fucking crow, the game!

(Cut to gameplay of The Crow: City of Angels since 2015. Cut back to gameplay of Countdown Vampires.)

The Nerd: One thing Resident Evil's known for is the ending countdown. Pretty much every Resident Evil game ends with a countdown timer or timed self-destruct. Well, let me tell ya, Countdown Vampires doesn't just end on a countdown; it starts with a countdown. Yeah, no joke, and that's not all! There's another countdown in the middle of the game, too! There's even a puzzle that has two more countdowns! They really went batshit bonkers with these countdowns.

So, they got the countdown part, but what about the vampires? Well, it's got giant praying mantises, werewolves, lizard monsters, purple goo monsters that shoot bubbles, giant bugs that shoot bubbles, three witches, and giant bat-men (not to be confused with Batman). The alleged vampires are really closer to zombies. They're also the most non-intimidating vampires possible. All they do is walk around like they're holdin' in a huge shit and try to punch you. Once in a while, they'll bite, but most of the time, they just try to uppercut you and make burping sounds. Technically, they're vampires, but they're the worst vampires I've ever seen! So, yeah, the game's got vampires.

So, they basically just named the game after two things that are in it: countdowns and vampires. By that logic, they should've called the game, Shit Graphics: Fucked Voice Acting.

(Cut to in-game footage of Resident Evil.)

Jill Valentine: Barry!

The Nerd: I've talked about how bad the voice acting is in the original Resident Evil before.

Barry: Any clues?

Woman: No, but something's wrong with this house.

Barry: Whoa, this hall is dangerous!

(Cut back to in-game footage of Countdown Vampires.)

The Nerd: But that pales in comparison to the voice acting in Countdown Vampires. This game makes the dialogue in the original Resident Evil look like fucking Tarantino!

(Dialogue is very poorly acted. Keith talks in a high-pitched male, and Misato speaks in a high-pitched female voice.)

People: (offscreen) Aah!

Keith: Misato, I'm going to take a look up ahead. You stay here.

Misato: I'm scared to be alone, Keith.

Keith: You've got to stay here!

Misato: (screams)

Keith: What's the matter?

Misato: (screams hysterically)

Keith: Hey! What is going on?!

Misato: (still screaming hysterically)

Keith: Settle down! Hey, calm down!

The Nerd: The main character's voice really doesn't match his look at all.

So, anyway, back to the game. The first thing that happens is a countdown timer starts, and you have 3 minutes to get out of this area. There's a couple zombies, sorry, vampires walkin' around like morons. They can't even follow you up the stairs! They just walk around in circles! The enemies in this game have some of the worst AI I've ever seen in any video game. It can't even be considered artificial intelligence...more like genuine stupidity. Look at this shit! These two zombie things walk into each other, and then get stuck. Then, two more walk over, and they get stuck, too! This isn't even a glitch or anything. It's just the way they were programmed.

The game has you running from one end of the map to another, finding keys, ammo, and files that are riddled with spelling errors. "Thank again. With much gratitude." Did anyone proofread this shit?! There's a lot of words missing spaces, like "mysticalstrength" and "bepouring". Even one of the weapons is misspelled in the menu; the stun glove is called the stun globe! How do you misspell one of the first items you get in the game? My favorite is when you find the secret elevator in the stripper pole, and it says, "There's an elevator, but it doesn't to turn on the power." I don't even know what it's trying to say!

The game seems padded out with barely any content. There's rooms that are completely pointless, like here, where it has you climb down a ladder, just to run a few feet and climb back up another ladder! Why not just make it one long walkway? There's also rooms that'll be locked, only for the key to be right in the next room. Why even do that? Just make the fucking door unlocked! What was the point of having me go one fucking room over just to get a key?! That adds nothing to the game!

I haven't talked much about the plot, but that's because there isn't much plot. There's a prophecy about some guy named Gells who'll be resurrected, and then there's this weird man in black following you.

Man in Black: Where's the girl?

The Nerd: And then, there's this girl named Misato. Every time you come across her, the main character tries to ditch her.

Keith: Misato, I'm going to take a look up ahead. You stay here.

(Cut to scene of Keith walking out of elevator, leaving Misato inside. Cut to Keith standing over Misato, who is sitting on the ground, clutching her ankle.)

Keith: How's your ankle doing?

Misato: I-it hurts a bit, but I can walk!

Keith: (kneels down and looks at Misato) It's no good. Wait here, I will be back!

Misato: Promise?

(Cut to scene of Keith and Misato standing in front of red truck.)

Keith: Get in the trunk of the car! It's safer there than anywhere else.

The Nerd: It's like he wants nothing to do with her, but she's the only character in the game other than you and the man in black.

One thing I completely forgot about is this game is actually two discs! Halfway through the game, you fight the first boss, and at first, I thought it was the final boss, and that I could finally go on with my life, and stop wasting it playing this. But, no! I had an entire fucking disc left! And, the entire second portion is the same exact thing as the first: run here, get a key, run back there, use the key, and get another one that opens a different door back where you came from, rinse, and repeat. It's more fun to run to the store and go grocery shopping, and then come back home and realize you forgot something than playin' this fuckin' shit!

And, to be honest, running real-life errands is more challenging than any part of this game. Right here, I'm at the end of the game, and look at all the items I have! I counted, and altogether, I have 834 bullets across 8 different guns, and I'm on the final boss! It's not like I've been saving my ammo. I killed almost every enemy! You might think I'm playing on Easy or somethin', but no, I'm on Normal mode. The only difference is that in Easy mode, the vampire zombies hop around like frogs. That's it!

Another thing, I didn't die once, the entire game! I'm dead fucking serious! The only time I did actually die was when I tried to die to see what would happen, and it's as dumb as you'd expect. Just look at this.

(Game Over screen plays. On-screen text: "Yes, there's no sound.")

The Nerd: The final boss, or bosses, are these 3 witches that float around and laugh. They shoot Hadoukens and triangles and shit, but it's pretty easy to beat them. Oh, and the ending cutscene is possibly the worst on the PlayStation. It's Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu levels of fucked.

Misato: But, what are they?

Keith: Real vampires...Misato, you mean you never heard of Gells?

Misato: (laughs evilly) Ha, ha, ha, ha! Gells is the Emperor of Darkness.

Keith: What...?

Misato: Keith, I'm just kidding!

(Keith and Misato kiss. Camera pans up to the moon in the sky and fades to black.)

The Nerd: Yeah, that's it. That's the best ending you can get. There's absolutely zero reason to play this game. It came out almost a full fuckin' year after Resident Evil 3, and two months before the PlayStation 2! If you thought this was an early-release PlayStation game, I don't blame you! But, no! This came out in the year 2000! This was like a fart coming out of the decayed corpse colon of the original PlayStation! Looks like if ass could make a video game!

One more thing I wanna mention: there's a second story mode you can unlock if you beat the game in under 8 hours. Unfortunately, I was too slow, and wasted 9 hours and 37 minutes on this festering fuck-heap. And, the last thing I wanna do on this Halloween is spend another 8 hours playing Countdown Vampires! I'd rather get jerked off by a jellyfish while I eat a platypus's asshole! I mean, actually eat the negative space of its anus! So, fuck this game! Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!

(The Nerd holds sword in his left hand, and puts Countdown Vampires disc back in its case with his right hand. He closes the case and then screams, as he stabs his sword through the middle of the case, similar to the fabled method of stabbing a vampire's heart with a stake. Blood spurts out of the game case. Fade to black.)

Trivia[]

  • This is the final Halloween episode to use the standard Angry Video Game Nerd theme by Kyle Justin. The Freddy & Jason episode starts with a montage of the first two Halloween episodes, and future episodes use the intro animation by Exit 73 Studios.
  • When the Nerd stabs the Countdown Vampires disc and says "Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!", he is referencing another PlayStation game, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Additionally, music from Castlevania can be heard during the Nerd's final rant.
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