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Bad Final Fight Games - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

The Nerd: If you've ever been to an arcade, you've probably played Capcom's premier brawler, Final Fight. It's a downright classic. Choosing your favorite character, and then layin' waste to the dregs of Metro City was a rite of passage for all those who had stepped into the hallowed halls of the local video arcade.

The Nerd: While today, Capcom is more known for its overabundance of Street Fighter and Resident Evil sequels, back then. they were revolutionizing the beat 'em up genre. They took what Double Dragon and Renegade had started, and sought to improve and innovate. While Bimmy and Jimmy were basically just palette swaps, Guy, Cody, and Haggar were three unique fighters with different movesets and styles.

The Nerd: The gameplay was satisfying. The sound of the hits was bone-rattling, and the music was simply badass. Also, what other game lets you play as a hulking, pro-wrastlin' mayor beatin' his own citizens into submission? The answer... is Final goddamn Fight. Of course, contrary to the name, it wasn't the final Final Fight. There were sequels and spin-offs out the ass. Many members of the Final Fight cast would even go on to become mainstays in the Street Fighter franchise. Guy and Cody appeared back in the Alpha series, along with Sodom and Rolento. Later on, others such as Andore, also known as Hugo, Poison, and Abigail would square up in the iconic tournament fighter.

The Nerd: So what in the holy name of shit happened to Final Fight? Capcom jizzes out tons of Street Fighters and Resident Evils all the time, but why aren't we getting any new Final Fight games? Was it actually final? I mean, even Streets of Rage, a game that was meant to be a competitor to Final Fight, is actually still going strong with a fourth title just released.

The Nerd: Well, here I have the two Final Fight games that any fan of Final Fight will tell you fucked the franchise into oblivion. They were released just over six years apart, and were created by the same developer, Capcom USA, also known as Capcom Studio 8. So, here we have Final Fight: Revenge for the Sega Saturn and Final Fight: Streetwise for PlayStation 2.

Final Fight: Revenge[]

The Nerd: We'll start with Final Fight: Revenge. Now, you'll notice by the jewel case, that this is a Japan-only release. So it comes in a regular CD jewel case, instead of the gargantuan American Saturn case. The great thing about the Saturn is you don't need to mod it to play Japanese games. All you need is one of these things, an Action Replay. Now, I know the review is about Final Fight games... but bear with me a minute, I gotta talk about this graphic design!

The Nerd: The box pissed me off so much, I had to research fonts. The sticker on the actual cartridge itself is using Bauhaus Md BT, but the logo on the box is Arial Black, and on the bottom, they use Algerian. But that's not all. When you turn this son-of-a-bitch over, they commit the ultimate graphic design sin. They used motherfucking Comic Sans. At least it's not Papyrus, or... Papyrus Sans. Ugh! Oh, make it stop! I-It's hideous! I don't even wanna look at it anymore! I'd rather... huff a doggy bag full of Bison turds! And I'm talkin' M. Bison. Okay, let's play the game.

(The Nerd puts the Final Fight: Revenge disc into his Sega Saturn and turns it on.)

The Nerd: Final Fight: Revenge is the only game in the series that's an actual tournament fighter, probably because it's real lousy. The game just has a stiff and almost unresponsive feel at times, especially compared to any of the Street Fighter games. Honestly, this one ranks down to a Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game, and I'm talking the arcade version. And that being said, the game is actually pretty cool if you're a fan of the Final Fight series. It's got most of the characters from the game, only missing a couple of bosses and minor enemies. The graphics are colorful and vibrant, and the gameplay itself is interesting.

Cody: You're already dead.

(Poison gets attacked by invisible punches and falls down while Cody walks away.)

The Nerd: It focuses less on the technical side, and more on all-out brawling. Levels are littered with weapons that you can pick up and use against your opponent like guns, knives, pipes, and even bazookas. It took me a minute to figure out how to pick 'em up, though. But with a little practice, I was actually kickin' ass. Now, I'm no expert when it comes to fighting games, but... maybe that's what I enjoy about this. It's silly and fun, while still offering a challenge. But you want to see some weird shit, don't you? Check this out.

The Nerd: The special moves are... some of the weirdest I've seen in a fighting game. Even the ones that make sense are still really weird. Guy hits you with an explosion, then the perspective changes, and he whips shurikens at the opponent while they try to run away. I've never seen something like this before in a tournament fighter where the perspective shifts to behind the player? It's used a lot, too. Rolento chases you down with a helicopter, and Edi. E turns into a police car and tries to run you down. Haggar's took me a good minute to figure out. I had no idea what the hell was happening at first. Haggar just hugs the air! And nothing happens. It turns out that it only works if your enemy does a jump kick towards you!

The Nerd: Like I said, I'm not an expert in fighting games. Sometimes, I have trouble pulling off a Hadouken. But THIS is like two Hadoukens in a row, then kick, and your enemy has to be jump kicking! Oh, and don't get me started on Haggar's second special move, because you have to rotate the d-pad... in a 360 motion... TWICE! (scoffs) He might as well not even have a special!

The Nerd: The one special move that makes absolutely no sense to me is Poison's. She blows a kiss at you, which then causes a bunch of pictures to flash on the screen. They're all really... suggestive photos of her too. She's licking a popsicle, posing all sexy and shit. I don't get how this would hurt you! I mean, I understand shooting shurikens at someone, or chasing them down in an attack helicopter. But how the fuck is blowing a kiss, then flashing sexy pictures supposed to hurt someone? Also, if you pull this attack off as the final blow, she dances on a stripper pole. Again, how does this hurt?

The Nerd: You basically just battle your way through every fighter until you get to... Bel-jer, or Bel-ger, or whatever. The final boss from the original Final Fight. Only this time, he stopped living and became a crazy mixed-up zombie. He can stretch out like Dhalsim and even lose limbs as you're fighting him. It's by far the weirdest thing up until this point. That is, until the credits, when he does the fuckin' Thriller dance. Yeah.

The Nerd: So that's Final Fight: Revenge. Uh, overall... it makes my bowels bubble. I mean, not spray diarrhea or anything like that. Just, uh... y'know, wet fart? Eh? This game's pretty rare and fetches a pretty high price, and it's honestly just not worth it to me. You'd either have to be a Final Fight mega fan to pay money for this, or be somebody who's addicted to buying shit and have no concept in the value of money. You'd have to be a total loser. Thanks, Matt McMuscles, for sending me your copy.

(The Nerd puts the Final Fight: Streetwise disc into his PlayStation.)

Final Fight: Streetwise[]

The Nerd: Here we go, time for Final Fight: Streetwise, the final nail in Final Fight's coffin. Finally. So, here's a question for you. Did you ever drink a bunch of blue Powerade and then take a bright green shit? If so, that's basically this game's entire color palette. Everywhere you look are shades of shit, barf, and piss. Everything is covered in a dense fog like somebody wiped their ass all over the camera lens. I honestly can't tell if you're supposed to be in Metro City or Purgatory. It reminds me of Spawn: The Eternal for the PlayStation, and doesn't really look that much better. And mind you, this game came out in 2006! That's right! Take a long look at this and realize this game came out the same year the PS3 debuted.

The Nerd: The gameplay is a mixture of running around aimlessly, mashing buttons, and trying to suppress the burning urge to turn the PS2 off and chuck it through your neighbor's window. You play as a guy named Kyle, who's the roided-up douchebag brother of Cody from the original Final Fight. Pretty much what happens is your brother Cody gets kidnapped by a guy named The Stiff, and you have to get him back. On the way, you have to complete fetch quests and play a bunch of stupid mini-games. These offer you money, which you can use to buy new moves, but all they really do is grind the game to a halt. You can play the world's most boring game of Darts, Three-Card Monte, and even a shooting gallery with rubber ducks that make chicken noises for some reason.

The Nerd: One of the most frequent mini-games is destroying cars. This is kinda like an homage to the mini-game in the original Final Fight and Street Fighter II, but it happens a lot. What's wrong with these people?? I mean, imagine walking down the street and all of a sudden somebody comes up to you and says "hey, I'll give you 200 bucks to destroy this person's car!" (chuckles) That'd be pretty awesome, actually!

The Nerd: The game tries insanely hard to be edgy at every possible second. There's a sign here for Blue Ball Video. "Cum Get Some!" Oh man, if I played this back when I was 15, I'm sure I'd have given that a chuckle, but I've matured since then and moved on... to shit jokes. Also, check out this billboard for Slipknot. It's kinda random, but fuckin' awesome!

The Nerd: The game is filled with sexual references that aged like fine heavy cream behind a radiator. Especially when you get to the porn theater. I tried running around punching the dudes sitting in the theater, but it didn't work unfortunately. Imagine that, watching a porn movie with your half chub, and a dude runs over and clocks you in the fuckin' jaw! Uncool, man! Another weird thing about this theater is the music. It was driving me insane because I could've sworn I heard it somewhere. Then I realized, it's all made with Apple Garage Band music loops. Just listen.

(The Nerd plays a sample of the ingame music from the theater. Then he plays Garage Band's Funky Electric Guitar loop, and it's exactly the same sound.)

The Nerd: Also, when you interrogate the boss here, the music is the same as the ending theme to America's Court with Judge Kevin Ross.

(The Nerd plays the ingame music, and then shows a picture of Judge Ross, with the music from the show playing over it. Both music pieces are exactly the same.)

The Nerd: Don't ask me how I know that.

The Nerd: The game boils down to "run here, talk to that guy, run there, fight that guy, run back here, talk to and fight that guy, and then fight a boss, rinse and repeat." It's monotonous and gives me some serious Life of Black Tiger vibes. Eventually, you start fighting zombies or some shit, and get to meet up with former mayor Mike Haggar, like three hours into the game, which is... cool? I guess? Honestly, if it weren't for him showing up, I think I would've forgotten I was playing a Final Fight game. I can see why this was the final Final Fight.

The Nerd: So here, I'm gonna help this cop find some gun runners or some shit. I find the first guy, give him a good stabbin', and... the game crashed. Eh, whatever, I'll just reset and load my game.

(The Nerd restarts his PS2, and tries to load his game, but finds out that the game did not save at any point, and therefore he has no save file to load from. The Nerd looks in shock.)

The Nerd: It didn't auto-save?!? (chuckles and speaks sarcastically) Silly me, w-why would I assume that? I mean, a g- a game that came out in... 2006? When, uh, Xbox 360, Wii, and PS3 were all already out?? I mean, why would I assume that this game would auto-save? Excuse me for just one minute.

(The Nerd lets out a gigantic scream of "FUCK!" that destroys buildings, causes tidal waves, and topples bridges. When he finishes, his Metrophone rings. He picks it up and answers.)

The Nerd: Hello?

Matt McMuscles: Hey, is this the Angry Video Game Nerd?

The Nerd: Yeah. Who the fuck is this?

Matt McMuscles: Matt McMuscles.

The Nerd: I didn't order any muscles. Who is this?

Matt McMuscles: (sighs) The guy you stole Final Fight: Revenge from in Portland?

The Nerd: You mean "borrowed" Final Fight: Revenge from in Portland.

Matt McMuscles: Agree to disagree. So, judging by the shifting tectonic activity in my area, and the loud echoing of "FUCK" we heard throughout Canada, I'm guessing you assumed Final Fight: Streetwise would not lie to you about its save feature. Not only does it not auto-save, it only saves after certain missions had been finished. It's... it's a whole stupid thing. You lost all your progress, right?

The Nerd: Sure did. Wow, Matt! You hit the nail on the head! If only I knew some magnum dong loser who played this game an ungodly amount of times, and could fill me in on anything I missed that would be worth mentioning!

Matt McMuscles: Well, lucky for you, I'm a magnum dong loser! Let me break it down for ya.

Matt McMuscles: After meeting up with Mayor Mustache and killing The Stiff, Kyle eventually finds his way to Guy, who is now the crime boss who runs Metro City's Japantown. He sics a crazy tattoo artist on you, whose ass you kick, and then everyone just becomes friends. Meanwhile, other criminals from, uh, Italiantown, decide to burn down Guy's house with you in it. It's a horrible escape mission with a time limit that doesn't fuck around.

Matt McMuscles: After that, some generic edgelord called Blades starts pestering you, 'cause he's the new bad guy, I guess. And then suddenly, Cody appears! Remember him? Who's now become a drug zombie because he injected himself with the T-Virus from Resident Evil. Also, seems like Blades is not the new bad guy, but is instead working for the only priest Metro City has.

Matt McMuscles: You then kill Blades, only for The Stiff to show up again, who's now a weird monster that eats rats. See, Kyle finds a secret Umbrella lab deep underground, where someone is resurrecting all of the defeated bosses. So, you'll fight zombie monster Blades again. The porn theater guy shows back up, and they're all named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because subtlety. Also, don't forget this ten tub of fuck right here. Gross!

Matt McMuscles: While that shit is happening, the city is being ripped apart by all the other drug zombies, and Haggar doesn't even care anymore. He- he just leaves the game by this point, so it's up to Kyle to have the frustrating and tedious "Final Fight" against two bosses at the same time, on top of the church, and it's the worst thing ever.

The Nerd: Well, thanks, Matt. I'll always remember you.

Matt McMuscles: Great. Uh, so hey, do you like, need my address, so you can ship my game back or something? It-it's really ex-

(The Nerd hangs up the phone)

The Nerd: Well, that settles it. Alright, first one to get fucked up is Final Fight: Streetwise! And since it's written in a graffiti font, let's do it graffiti style! And I'll even use the game's own barf shit piss palette!

(The Nerd places the game's box, CD, and instruction manual on a wooden table outside. He shakes a bottle of yellow spraypaint and paints the word "fuck" over the items. Next, he paints the word "jizz" with a green spraypaint. Then, he paints the word "shit" with a brown spraypaint. He continues to paint further over them with the three colors, alternating each time, until they are all completely covered in paint. He nods in approval before returning to his room, holding the Final Fight: Revenge game.)

The Nerd: And you, Final Fight: Revenge, I will spare you a spraypainting, and instead condemn you to a long and drawn-out process of Sega Saturn disk rot! You will forever be placed in a dark corner in the Nerd room, where the chemicals in your plastic degrade, and you slowly wither!

(The Nerd laughs evilly as the game is left standing in the dark, empty corner)