Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki

James D. Rolfe: Hello, thank you very much for donating to the Angry Video Game Nerd movie. There's a lot of people behind the scenes workin' right now to make this whole fundraiser possible, so we really appreciate it. Everybody's got expenses, so it's really nice to know you were able to, you know... give some to make, uh, you know, my dream possible. I just wanna go out and make a movie, so, um, in the long run, we hope you like it. We h-hope you like the end result. But, um, but I wanted to give ya a little something more because you're probably, you know, really dedicated, um... you know, if you're seeing this. You probably been watching, uh, the Angry Nerd episodes for years now, or who knows?

Um, so, I wanted to put together a quick little Angry Nerd episode, kind of. You know, like, something really, um, quick. I mean i-it wouldn't be up to standards, but uh, just something, uh, special. Like, you know, you're playing a video game, and you find some kinda secret in it, you know? It's kinda like that. You just found the secret Nerd episode, so I'm gonna go pick a random game right now and, uh, I'm gonna play it and we're gonna take a look at it. Uh, everybody always wants, uh, Nintendo 64, so I'm gonna go over there and check that out.

James D. Rolfe: Alright, let's see what we've got.

(James covers his eyes with one hand and takes out a random N64 game with the other.)

James D. Rolfe: Elmo's Number Journey?

(James is shocked, gasps then face palms himself.)

The Nerd: Realtime... Ass-ciates? It says Ass-ciates! Yeah, there's an O, but it looks like a little eyeball or something. Easy, medium, or hard? Hmm... Might be a hard game, who knows?

Elmo: Let's go look for some numbers.

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Let's go look for numbers!

The Nerd: So, obviously, you're Elmo walkin' around, and there's Dracula, The Count, and he's saying to go to his castle.

Count von Count: If you want to go to my castle, press one of these buttons.

The Nerd: This doesn't look like a castle, does it? I thought we were going to a castle, come on! So it's a garden maze? Wouldn't this have been cool if this was, like, a horror stage with skeletons and shit? No, instead just... dolphins and fountains and all this bullcrap. So we just collect the numbers, is that it? Oh, just touched the horse's dick.

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo... Elmo touch the horse's cock! Elmo like to rub the horse's peepee!

The Nerd: (laughs) Oh, man. This feels like I'm goin' into a trance. You just walk, and walk, and walk. There's something weird about the way Elmo walks, I don't know what it is, it's sorta like he's being pulled along by some kind of gravitational force, sorta like a forward moonwalk. Oh god, let's get outta here. Alright, let's talk to Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster: No. But, but we can go through Cookie World.

Elmo: Cookie World sounds like fun.

The Nerd: Cookie World? So maybe... Cookie Monster's like an alien from the planet of Cookies.

Cookie Monster: If you want to go to Cookie World with me, press one of these buttons.

The Nerd: Jet-skiing on the diarrhea river. WaveRunner: The Shit Edition. Look, it's a rock bird. That's what it is, a rock with wings. A cookie bird, I get it. It's a cookie bird. Oh, look at all this diarrhea. Oh!

Cookie Monster: Now, you ski down Sugar Mountain!

The Nerd: Oh, now we're in Sugar Mountain. So that's a snowman? Oh, a sugar man, maybe. Maybe it's a cocaine man. Cracky the fuckin' Snowman.

Elmo: You got it right!

Cookie Monster: Nine!

The Nerd: Sounds like Hitler saying, "No."

Cookie Monster: Nine!

The Nerd: Alright, let's see what else there is.

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Ooh! Elmo! Elmo touch the fire hydrant!

The Nerd: I gotta admit, this game's not too exciting, so we just gotta have fun.

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo hit the balloon!

The Nerd: Can't get the balloon? You can't make water come out of the fire hydrant? Like, you can't do anything in this game! Just walk around.

Ernie: Say, have you been to the Carnival of Numbers?

Elmo: Elmo loves carnivals!

Ernie: You do?

The Nerd: Alright, so, we're going to a carnival, huh? Wait a minute. This is the same stage the Count took me to. Oh god, now we're looking at bushes and shit again? At least the Cookie Monster one was a little bit better because you were riding around and doing stuff. Ah, some carnival, huh? There's... there isn't even anybody else here!

All honesty, this game was intended for kids, but... it just gives you nothing. You think you'd be adding and subtracting numbers, but you really don't do much. You just collect the numbers and... that's about it. I'm not learning anything about math from playing this game. Oh, now it's bumper cars. Well, at least it's not the same thing. Yay.

Elmo: Elmo loves this game!

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo loves this game!

The Nerd: Oh, this is fuck. Okay, here, you just gotta make the number of balls equal to... whatever that number is. See, now I gotta do six balls. So at least you have to count here. Yeah, what am I throwing balls into anyway? Who is that? I don't even know that Sesame Street character! I-Is that even a character, or is that one they made up for the game? Maybe it's Elmo's grandma?

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo put balls into Grandma's mouth!

The Nerd: Alright, let's try the Count stage just one more time. God, why is Elmo so slow?

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo is slow as shit!

Count von Count: Welcome to my castle! Ah, ah, ah!

The Nerd: Ah, ah, ah! I like the Count. He's funny. Why would the Count have a picture of the Cookie Monster on his wall? That might mean the Cookie Monster is evil. So where's Big Bird or Oscar the Grouch? If I was a kid, I'd be disappointed that this game didn't have more characters, Alright, let's go mess with the Count.

Elmo: Hi, Count! What are you counting?

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo touches the Count's pee-pee!

Mike Matei: (imitating Count von Count) Touch my penis! Ah, ah, ah!

Elmo: You love numbers, don't you, Count?

The Nerd: You just gotta... this is just one of those games. You just gotta take it for what it is. You got, you gotta make fun with it.

Elmo: We got it!

The Nerd: And that's it. This game sucks.

Mike Matei: (imitating Elmo) Elmo's a piece of shit!