(There's a bunch of gaming magazines lying about the floor, and suddenly the Nerd surprisingly appears like a screamer, being a throwback to his Nintendo Power episode)
The Nerd: ASS!
(The theme song plays)
The Nerd: Yeah, when you were a kid in the '80s and especially the '90s, it was all about runnin' out to the mailbox to find that new issue of a video game magazine, 'cause there was tons of 'em! They were filled with awesome stuff; previews for upcoming games, new consoles, walkthroughs, codes, and reviews. (Stock footage from his Nintendo Power episode is shown) In the past, I've talked about Nintendo Power, so it's about time I talk about the others. Some were about the brands and consoles like Atari Age, but others were more generic, like GamePro and Electronic Gaming Monthly. And even into the milennium we had retro throwback magazines, like Video Game Collector. (A picture of the Nerd is shown on the front cover) Heh, look at that guy. What a nerd.
In today's day and age, you can look up anything you want about games on the internet. Walkthroughs, cheats, reviews, previews, whatever. Back in the day, if you wanted to know if a game sucked or how to find a secret, or get an infinite lives code, you had to wait for one of these to come out monthly.
The Nerd: Well, let's start with the oldest magazine I have: Atari Age. They came free with a subscription to the Atari Club. They were pretty shorts reads, too, only about 15 pages each, and they were always printed in Center City, Philadelphia. They didn't give much inside on if the games sucked, they were mainly filled with fluff pieces about new games to buy and some articles. But then again, this was Atari's official magazine, I mean, what do you expect? I mean, Nintendo Power did the same thing. Remember it said Back to the Future had that "distinctive LJN style?"
The first issue of Atari Age has an awful interview with none other than Pac-Man, filled with awful Pac puns. Pac-Man says "I had what you'd call "a well rounded education."" (sighs at the awful pun) (under his breath) Oh boy... (normally) "I was involved in high school dramatics ----- I played the lead in Central High's production of 'Man of La Muncher.'" Huh? "I did more acting in college ----- mostly theate-in-the-round productions." Oh, come on!
Oh, I love this issue right here; E.T. on the cover. Might as well have a sign that says "The end is near." Atari Age also had some cool do-it-yourself type articles, teaching you how to fix joysticks, and even how to make your own left-handed joystick. Overall, a fun magazine to pass the time, or to read on the shitter. (Scene switches to E.T. reading Atari Age on the toilet)
The Nerd: Later, with the rise of Nintendo and Sega, more magazines began popping up. They expanded their coverage and became more in-depth. So here we have Game Player's Magazine, VideoGames & Computer Entertainment, well, that's a good one, GamePro, and Electronic Gaming Monthly. Game Player's started out as Game Player's Strategy Guide to Nintendo Games. It's basically a knock-off off Nintendo Power, but it's unofficial, and it had nowhere near the quality. (shows bad quality screenshots of games in the magazine) Just look at these screenshots! I understand capturing game footage back then wasn't as easy as it is now, but look at this shit! Looks like they took the picture with a Polaroid, then photocopied it 50 times! And the covers are usually just the boxart from whatever game they're covering. Sometimes, they're all over the place.
The Nerd: Look at this; They basically took whatever video game stereotypes they could and slapped them on the front. What game does this represent? Okay, this guy, he looks like Rad Spencer from Bionic Commando mixed with Matthew McConaughey. Why is there a kid doin' a handplant on his shoulder? Skater Kid looks just as confused as I do.
The Nerd: Okay, this might be the worst cover I've ever seen. Super Mario 3? Apparently! I can't even tell what I'm lookin' at! What is that thing? What is that? It looks like a mangled Easter Egg or somethin'! Holy shit, th-th-they didn't even try! You have what looks like Wario in the corner, and someone must've sneezed all over the print. The only thing that could possibly indicate that this is a Mario cover are the words. Imagine if you couldn't read; You wouldn't have any idea what this was supposed to be. Y-You wouldn't even know what it is. I mean, you'd be sittin' there, trying to figure out what this puked out pastel piss picture is.
The Nerd: One thing that really twists my asshole is the sheer number of ads. The same 1-900 number shows up three times in the same issue! Look at his face! Yeah, laugh it up while you can, kid. Your dad's gonna flip shit when he sees a 500 dollar fuckin' phone bill! I swear, every other page is an ad. Look, ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad! (screaming) Ad!
(In The Hall Of The Mountain King plays while a bunch of advertisements are shown)
The Nerd: Look at this! A picture of burnt toast that's so big, it takes up more than a page! I don't get it, I don't get it! The sad thing is I've reviewed most of the games advertised, there's ads for Hydlide, Super Hydlide, Street Fighter 2010, Silver Surfer, Tiger Electronic Simon's Quest, Tiger Electronic Ninja Gaiden, Kid Kool, the Power Glove, and even Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle. The most frequent ads I've seemed to come across are shitty joysticks. There's tons of 'em; Shitty joysticks, shitty joysticks, shitty joysticks everywhere. I don't get it, was there somethin' wrong with the controllers that came with the system?
The Nerd: Oh, lookie here; The U-Force. (quoting the magazine) "Are joysticks a thing of the past?" (The advertisement actually says "Is the joystick a thing of the past?") I hope not, seeing as most of these ads are for joysticks! Are they trying to put themselves out of business? Not to mention, they all suck ass through a crazy straw. I like to call them shitty friend controllers, because they're the kind of controllers your shitty friend would make you use. Another thing I love are the ads for the most stupid useless shit. Like, look at this! Gaming Gloves. They're basically fingerless gloves except with a thumb. Could you imagine being that guy, showing up to your friend's house with these stupid neon Batman gloves?
The Nerd: Was holding a Nintendo controller really so bad, that — ugh, you need protective equipment? (fakes holding the NES controller in disgust) Oh, but it gets worse. Here you go, the Thumb Master, it's basically a bright purple, uh...cushion to condom for your thumb. But it eliminates Video Thumb. Have you ever in your life suffered from Video Thumb? Well, maybe Silver Surfer or one of those games where you need a Turbo controller. And when you do, your thumb will thank you. (high pitched voice) "Thank you!"
The Nerd: Now these guys know how to make an ad right here. It's a dude gettin' his nuts kicked in! (laughing) Why? Wh-Wh-Why'd they do this? This is a real ad! It's kickin' him in the balls! This one says "We took some of the worst garbage on tv and turned into a great-" (laughing) "And turned it into a great video game." Yeah, I bet. Here's an ad for a Game Boy Light. What really weirds me out is the kid in the back of the car, no seatbelt or anything. What's even crazier is in later magazines they replaced this ad with real life people. They put this kid's life in danger just to sell a shitty Game Boy Light.
The Nerd: Oh, look at that; An ad for line of shit Game Boy shit from...STD. Yeah, I like how the word handy is in quotes. Yeah, they knew they were just jerkin' off. Speaking of STDs and being handy, there were tons of really adult ads out there too. Just look at some off these! "Kick some balls", "Monster bone", "Pray for a full frontal assault", "Size does matter", and of course, the Sega Dick.
The Nerd: PSM even did a swimsuit special. What were they thinking? The articles range from...interesting and useful to downright idiotic. One of the best features was the walkthroughs. Like, right here. They hand drew all the levels from Super Mario Land on Game Boy. That's pretty cool. And here's a walkthrough of RoboCop 2 on NES. Man, I wish found this when I reviewed it last year. That game made me wanna get my dick shot off by RoboCop.
The Nerd: Here's a letter from a kid who has a sister named Dhalsim. He actually sent in her birth certificate to prove it. Hopefully it was a copy. Here, they talk about the Home Alone games and even promote the upcoming movie sequel and the Home Alone phenomenon. Yeah, such a phenomenon, y'know, that, that guy over there? (zooms in on a picture of Macaulay Culkin) He turned out to be a pizza boy. (shows picture of Macaulay Culkin from his Home Alone Christmas Special)
The Nerd: The reviews are always a major part of these magazines. They gave kids the inside on which games were worth their money and which ones they should avoid like the fuckin' plague. But sometimes these recommendations are really off the mark. Like, right here. Contra III, a game revered as a classic, one of the best side-scrolling shooters on the Super Nintendo and they gave it 7s. Now, look at this shit. Terminator 2 on the NES, a game that's total shit, and it's got 8, a 9, a 7 and another 8. Are you kidding me?! Terminator 2 on NES has better scores than Contra III?!
The Nerd: Yeah, I mean, th-that's like sayin' I-I-I tasted a shit-flavored ice cream and I gave it, eh, a 10 out of 10. It was good, trust me. That's not the only shit thought highly of. Here's Double Dragon III. Its fun factor has a perfect score. (A screenshot of the infamous Bimmy and Jimmy typo is shown) No way... (The Nerd is shocked) No way...They included the Bimmy and Jimmy screenshot. Well, at least the caption has the correct name.
The Nerd: Believe it or not, there existed a magazine for the Amiga CD32. The crazy thing is that the magazine kept coming out long after they stopped making the system. And look at this, they gave Gloom a 92 out of 100? (Footage from the Nerd's CD32 episode showing the Nerd burning his CD32 with a flamethrower) Thankfully, my CD32 is safely burning in hell where it belongs! (The Super Mario 64 death screen pops up as Bowser laughs)
The Nerd: Man, the memories. It's fun to read these, knowing how the technology evolved. They covered the breakthrough of laser discs, virtual reality and all the new types of controllers. Here's the shitty Sega Activator. (shows a picture of the guy in the magazine using the Sega Activator) Damn, this guy could give Keith Apicary a run for his money. A lot of these magazines came with technology, some being bundled with diskettes and demo CDs.
The Nerd: For the April issues, GamePro would have a parody section, LamePro. This was fun to read. I love Bubonic the Blowfrog and his pal Snails. Yeah, it was stupid, but back then it was just cool to see people in the gaming industry making fun of games. Here's a piece about the Ultimate Gamer. This guy is no joke, he makes my Nintendo Suit look like a cheap Halloween costume. Here's the Top Four Hot Video Game Babes, and for the ladies, the Top Four Hot Video Game Hunks.
The Nerd: The artwork was always great, well, not always, but sometimes. Oh, and this picture, this kid's holdin' a ninja star, whippin' out a yo-yo, right as he's about to be brutally murdered by a skeleton! Oh, and check out this picture of Godzilla and... Kinda-King-Kong. And they're both really shiny for some reason. This picture, I don't know what is goin' on. It's just hideous. When it came to drawing Link, for some reason, they always had a problem. Here he is on the cover of Nintendo Strategy, at least I think it's him. Oh, and this Link looks more like a villain than a hero. He's pretty scary. Zelda's just over there chillin' with Agahnim. She doesn't even look like she wants to be saved. Yeah, she's probably horrified by Link's demon spawn face.
The Nerd: This one's not so bad, but Link looks really pissed. And this one here, it's like Tim Allen playing Link. (Tim Allen's "Ehhh?!" plays as it zooms in on the picture) Here's some fanart. Some of it is really amazing, but some of it, as you can see, it's shit, and I know that's not nice because it's probably some young kid who drew it, but the kid's grown up now, so he can handle it, it's shit!
The Nerd: Just flipping through these magazines is like opening up a time capsule; You just can't go wrong. So, let's end with a Top 5. It's The Nerd's Top 5 Most 90s Moments in Gaming Magazines! Number 5: Crime Wave. Look at this scene! I mean, look at this! Oh, you have this guy screamin', and then you have this guy with these cool shades and then this girl who looks like she's fallin' asleep or somethin'. Is this Dan from Street Fighter Alpha? There's this guy with a backwards hat wearin' pajamas carryin' a fuckin' gun! and on the ground there's all this money, and guns, and bullets, and cocaine?! Yeah, and the text are talkin' about drugs! it's cocaine, in a gaming magazine!
The Nerd: Number 4: This gang, right here. You got this badass biker granny, this bowtie-wearin' nerd, this cool gamer kid, this... punk ass... mohawk motherfucker and then this Valley Girl sitcom star, and then a bulldog with the same sunglasses as the kid, and it's all for...a Pictionary game. Yeah, Pictionary.
The Nerd: Number 3: An ad for Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill? You got Bill Clinton jammin' on the sax and Socks the Cat comin' out with this real badass looking grin? What the hell? And this is for a real game? Now that's 90s as fuck!
The Nerd: Number 2: Wow! Wow, look at this kid! He's sayin' "ASSSSSSS!" I mean, just look at this! He's just cruising through the galaxy, surfing through space with those badass sunglasses and kneepads and that Tiger Electronic Game of Narc. Yeah! Motherfuckin' 90s!
The Nerd: And at last, Number 1: All these glorious god damn mullets. Business in the front, party in the back. The iconic haircut of the decade. You want to look like a bad motherfucker that plays real hard, guzzles Jolt Cola and watches nothing but MTV? You gotta roll 10/90, my dude! That's 10% up front, 90% round back! Look at this JO Cool 'sumbitch! That's a guy who knows all the tips and tricks! Yeeeeaaah!
The Nerd: Motherfuck!