James: Thanks for watchin' this episode of Angry Video Game Nerd on Spawn Games. Spawn is a story of hell on earth. But the real hell on earth, is your unencrypted private data being harvested by hackers, governments and corporations.
But seriously though, I recommend ExpressVPN as the easy-to-use application you should use every time you're on the Internet. It protects your privacy and security. You can also change your location, which is great for unblocking georestricted content. For example, I use it to watch things like [The] Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yeah, even though the show represents Philadelphia and Bel-Air, it's not on Netflix USA. So, you can set your location to the UK to watch it. With the fastest connection speeds, apps for all your devices like your smartphone, tablet, even your router, and at less than $7 a month with a 30-day money back guarantee, it's no wonder why ExpressVPN is the #1 rated VPN service by TechRadar.
James: Take back your Internet privacy today, and find out how you can get three months free, by clicking the link in the description.
Head to expressvpn.com/cinemassacre.
Kyle Justin: (singing) He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
Nerd: What? Where am I?
Clown: Mellow greetings, Nerdy werdy!
Nerd: What the hell?!
Clown: Ooh, Hell is right! Sorry to break it to ya Nerd, but you're dead! You're fucked! F-U-K-T, fucked!
Nerd: O-Okay, I get it. The dragon in Immortal got me. But why am I dressed so... badass?
Clown: You are one fashionable male! Let me... remind you. When you died, you came face to face with The Devil. He decided you have to live out the rest of your eternity inside your most hated game, Jekyll and Hyde! You flipped him off and told him you didn't deserve that torture. So he presented a challenge. If you can beat all the Spawn games, you'll be allowed to leave Hell, but if you lose, you're stuck in Jekyll and Hyde forever! (laughter) You accepted and were transformed from the Angry Video Game Nerd to the Satanic Video Game Spawn! And that leads us to where we are now.
Nerd: Okay, well let's play these shitty games.
Clown: Nah nah nah, not so fast. We're gonna play them in the most vile despicable game room ever imagined by Hell! It'll break a man's soul in a second! Ready?
(Clown and the Nerd teleport into a game room that looks exactly like the Nerd's actual room)
Nerd: (takes off the visor) Huh? This is it?
Clown: Truly terrifying, right?
Nerd: Um. I-I actually spent most of my days in a room, exactly like this.
Nerd: It-I mean it's like, spot on. I-It's the exact same thing.
Clown: Even at the shelf of all the E.T Games?
Nerd: Yeah? In fact I think mine actually has a little bit more.
Clown: What about the Aladdin Deck Enhancer and all the games?
Nerd: Uh, yeah? In fact, I actually played that not too long ago.
Clown: Oh. Internet's really slow in Hell. I didn't know that. Here, play your stupid fucking game. (throws Spawn for the Game Boy at the Nerd)
Nerd: For those of you who don't know, Spawn is a character created by Todd McFarlane. He's one of a number of artists that left Marvel and DC to create Image Comics. Image became huge in the 90s and released stuff like Witchblade, Savage Dragon, The Walking Dead and of course Spawn. Before he died, Spawn was Al Simmons, an assassin who is betrayed by his superior. When he died he when to Hell and agreed to become Malebolgia's hellspawn and lead his army. In exchange, he could see his wife Wanda again. But The Devil sends him back to Earth five years later as a zombified corpse. That bastard. The comic was huge and eventually became an animated series, and even a feature film starring Michael Jai White and Martin Sheen. So now that we're up to date, Let's play Spawn on Game Boy.
Nerd: Is that Spawn? He look nothing like him. Spawn doesn't always wear his cape but without it here it looks ridiculous. The red and white M logo on his chest looks more like a corset. And why are his eyes red? (picks up one of the comics) He has green eyes! That's one of his defining features. How'd they mess that up?
Nerd: It's a standard side-scrolling beat-em-up with some platforming. It even comes with a sewer level full of bats. Yeah, that's almost a requirement at this point. Ugh, take a look at the graffiti in the alley. "Shoot Me?" "Go Home?" "Hate??" Jeez! Hey, and speaking of Todd McFarlane, did you know he did the artwork for the cover of Korn's album Follow the Leader, and also the music video Freak on a Leash? So it's no coincidence that the Korn logo is all over the game. And they really overdo it. I mean look, it's everywhere. And Spawn is the only superhero I can think of, where the power meter in the game is actually based on a power meter from the comics. That was what made Spawn think twice about using his powers. Once it was completely drained, he would have to return to Hell and lead Malebolgia's army. So he'd have to resort to guns and fists to conserve energy. It's actually a really cool idea and this game worked it in really well.
Nerd: The first boss is Clown. Yeah, they really put a lot of effort into that name. He's a demon sent to Earth to encourage Spawn to do all the wrong things to make sure he carries out his mission. In the comics, he can turn into a giant monster called The Violator. But here, he just rolls around like an idiot. If you saw the movie you might remember he was played by Luigi Mario himself, John Leguizamo.
Clown: That Leguizamo guy is a real pest. I never really liked his interpretation of Clown. He's all gross and creepy. Not beautiful and sexy, like moi.
Nerd: If this review ends with you rolling around the room I'm gonna be disappointed.
(Cuts to a driving stage)
Nerd: The game does add some variety in it. Check out this motorcycle level. It's... pretty fun. Ugh, Billy KinCaid. Ugh, he's a sick twisted ice cream truck driver who likes to kill kids. Imagine a chubbier Freddy Krueger without the jokes. He likes ice cream? Well I'm gonna make him scream... and scream... and scream. (defeats Billy Kincaid)
Nerd: You know what? This game, it's... It's not a complete steaming pile of goat shit, so that's more that I can say for most games, so... yeah. Not a bad start here. The last level is a satellite station run by heaven. Yeah that's a Spawn thing. After killing a bunch of enemies you have to fight the final boss. The Redeemer, also known as Anti-Spawn. He's pretty tough but, mmh, nothing I can't handle. (defeats Redeemer)
Nerd: Yeah! Alright, I beat it. One game down. (Notices he was playing on Easy Mode) Wait, I was playing on Easy that whole time? And I have to play it all over again??
(Clown teleports back into the room)
Clown: Oh, hey Nerd! I'm just in the neighborhood checking out how you're doing. Awwww, looks like you played the wrong game mode. You gotta start over. Listen to this. I got some level skip codes, right here with your name on 'em.
Nerd: Wouldn't using cheats be wrong? Isn't that a hollow victory?
Clown: Ah, you're in Hell! If you cared about right or wrong, you wouldn't be here! Hey listen, I'll just leave these level skip codes right here for ya.
(Clown teleports away. Once he's gone, Nerd decides to look at the codes)
Nerd: So I skipped ahead and landed in Hell. Spawn looks a little better now that he has his cape, but... Hell looks pretty generic. Skulls, demons, rivers of blood and... velociraptor fossils? What could a velociraptor have done to end up in Hell? Clown shows up again as Violator. It's a lot cooler than his first boss fight. After him you take on the Devil himself, Malebolgia. Oh, you just toss some other hellspawns onto his belly and he dies? That's it? (Malebolgia dies)
Nerd: How lame is that shit?
(Clown teleports back)
Clown: Oh, one game down! Congratulations! Well, guess what? Here comes number two. Todd McFARTlanes's Spawn, for the Super No-friendo. (throws the game to the Nerd)
Nerd: But It's SUPER Nintendo! It can't be that bad.
Nerd: Okay, the opening cinematic is pretty cool. Oh wow, actually, this looks awesome. The music is badass too.
(Music is playing in game while the enemies are jumping off the building at the right)
Nerd: Why are the enemies all killing themselves? Am I playing Spawn of fucking lemmings? These controls feel clunky. Spawn's a little slow which sucks since there's tons of enemies being thrown at me. I wish he was a little faster. Just a little bit?
Nerd: Oh, this game also has Spawn's power meter, so it probably wants me to try some special moves. Okay then. Oh, look how complicated these are. "Hold right trigger and roll thumb down clockwise to the left, then press left trigger or the X button to do a fireblast??" Are you kidding me?? To teleport, you have to "hold the right trigger and roll thumb in a circle from up counterclockwise back to up, then press the A or Y button??" What were they thinking?!?
Nerd: Even if you do the right combination, they rarely work. Each move is like trying and failing to pull off a Mortal Kombat fatality. Only then, if you fuck up the fatality, at least you know you've already won. Only here, you fuck up, you get your ass kicked! The only thing that does seem to work is this spinning kick.
Nerd: Most of the levels are just your standard beat-em-up, but there is some variety, like this wall-jumping level where you have to avoid rockets. In theory, this would be fun, but Spawn is so goddamn slow and can't land on a ledge to save his life.
(Nerd reaches the boss fight against Redeemer)
Nerd: Redeemer. Well, he was easy in the last game, so how hard could this be? The answer... is one of the hardest, most unfair bosses ever to be shat into a Super Nintendo cartridge! It's ridiculous. First, he throws mannequins that are a pain in the ass to dodge. After that, he fires a laser that takes up most of the screen. You can't jump fast enough or glide long enough to avoid it easily. After an hour, I was finally able to knock him through the wall. (kicks Redeemer through the wall)
Nerd: Ahh! Yeah! So it's over, right? No. It's a multi-phase boss fight. (starts mashing buttons)
Nerd: You're outside now, so you'd think you would have more room to maneuver. But no. He still fires that fucking laser! And he can't be hit while firing it either. And then he whips out flaming swords and fireballs that lock on to you. This is im-fucking-possible! I spent hours on this fight. The skin on my thumb wore off, and that's hard to do when you have gloves on.
(Clown teleports back, looking through a shelf of games)
Clown: (humming while looking through the games) Oh, don't mind me. I'm just looking for Circus Charlie! Have you seen it? (notices a piece of paper) Oh, what's this? Level skip passwords for Spawn for the Super Nintendo? I'll just get rid of these. A noble gamer like you wouldn't need 'em. (starts eating the paper)
Nerd: Wait, wait wait wait, wait! Leave them!
Clown: (pulls out the paper) I thought you were above that!
Nerd: I would never! But wouldn't it be more torture for me if they were there and I had to resist the urge to use them?
Clown: You're right! Good luck beating the game! (laughs and leaves the paper before teleporting away)
(Once Clown is gone, Nerd picks up the codes and reads them, inputting them into the game.)
Nerd: There's these weird tubes I can jump into in Hell. I'll just pick a random one and see what's down there.
(Nerd goes into a tube and encounters a boss fight with a Redeemer clone. He proceeds to lose the fight, and then picks up the codes again)
Nerd: Okay, then the final boss is some demon Malebolgia created and you kill him. Whatever. The end. Well, that game's fucking brutal. It's a shame because it looks and sounds great. The only thing not great about the game is the gamePLAY.
Clown: Ooh, congratulations! You beat it! Time for the next game! Clowns, for the VIC-20! Remember when William Shatner used to do the VIC-20 commercials? (laughs) His hair is worse than mine! Just kidding, you're gonna enter the third dimension, with Spawn: The Eternal! (throws the game at the Nerd)
Spawn: The Eternal
Nerd: That's right. Spawn merchandise. In the 90s, it was everywhere. You had the movie, cartoon, the video games, and of course, TOYS! So many toys! And this, this Battle Horse? It was only in two issues of the comics! I mean what the FUCK??
Nerd: Well, we're off to a lousy start. These graphics are some of the worst the Playstation had to offer. Look how awkward Spawn looks jogging around. When you run into enemies, it triggers a Mortal Kombat-style fight screen. You have to do this with every enemy. It's really annoying and made worse by the fact that Spawn moves way too slow. Well, the button combinations are simpler, but it's still kinda hard to pull them off when you're fighting.
Clown: Man, you're really pushing MY buttons. You've mentioned Mortal Kombat like twice now, but not Spawn in MK11? Though, he is paid DLC, which is pretty evil, even by Hell standards. Spawn was free in SoulCalibur II for Xbox. Though, that game's kinda wussy. You can't even rip off a single opponent's arm! Oh yeah, talk about the Arm Rip!
Nerd: One move I do like that I was only able to pull off a few times is the Arm Rip. That's right, you can rip the arm off your enemy. This was so awesome they based their magazine ads around it. I mean look at that! Th-that's not at all traumatizing for a young kid to open up a game magazine and see that! It's fucking awesome.
Nerd: You can recharge your magic and health meter too. It drains your overall power meter, but I assume that gets refilled after each stage. And you'll need it, 'cause with this game's slow controls, bosses like Overt-Kill and Violator are gonna fuck. You. Up. Luckily you can save anywhere in the game. Lemme just load my save file here. Uh... is that Yoda with boxing gloves?? It's Yoda wearing boxing gloves!!! That was the save icon for Masters of Teräs Käsi? How did that NOT make it into the episode??
(The Nerd defeats Violator)
Nerd: Ahh, I got him! And with only one bit of power left. That was close.
(A cutscene plays with Malebolgia speaking. However, due to the voice effects, it is very difficult to understand what he is saying)
Nerd: Well, I hope that wasn't important, because I couldn't understand a fuck of it.
Nerd: What? They don't recharge your power meter?? How the hell am I supposed to beat this thing?
(Clown teleports in)
Clown: Oh, hey Nerd!
Nerd: Ugh! Enough with this guy!
Clown: Having some trouble? I'll tell you what. I'll trade you these cheat codes, for that Spawn Battle Horse! Oh wait, never mind, you're "above cheating," aren't ya?
Nerd: Shuuuuuuuut up! SHUUUUUUUUUUT UP!!! Just gimme the codes and get outta here.
Clown: (holding the Battle Horse box and handing Nerd the code paper) Here you go, Nerd. Thanks a lot! Giddyup! (laughs and teleports away)
Nerd: Yeah, I'm cheating to win.
Nerd: The Medieval Spawn level is where I notice the game is cashing in on Tomb Raider's success. You have to look for keys, avoid booby traps, and pull off difficult jumps. And let me tell you, all the refilled health and power cheats in the world can't save you from the terrible jumping. There's this one jump that I just can't get. I keep falling into lava over and over again. Fun fact. Ju-j-j-just a little piece of trivia here, that Spawn... can FUCKING FLY!!!
Nerd: This is ungodly boring. I'm now a Caveman Spawn, and it's the same old shit. Slow fights, bullshit puzzles, shitty jumping, and terrible graphics. I feel like I'm in Hell, and haven't even gotten to Hell yet in the game! When you do get there, you find out it's a giant stairway that branches off into different levels. The only thing somewhat interesting about this is that you get to fight the previous Spawns you were playing as. You also get to fight a fat Spawn. It might be that Billy Kincaid character I mentioned earlier, but I could be wrong.
Nerd: Hours later, I manage to get to the final boss, which turns out to be Violator again. I already fought him and his brothers earlier. They couldn't come up with anything else? Why not Malebolgia? He's just sitting there in the back! Eating souls! Like sitting in the back of a bar eating buffalo wings! And then he dies for no reason after I killed Violator. Why can't I kick his ass? Or rip off his head or something!
Clown: Only two more to go! And the next one's an arcade game! But unfortunately, Hell's a little over budget, and carrying an arcade game in here is outside of my weight class. So, you'll play it on the Dreamcast!
Spawn: In the Demon's Hand
Nerd: This game is very different from the others. Judging by the huge selection of Spawn characters you could play as, I'm guessing this is supposed to be more of a multiplayer game. But the boss battle mode is focused on one player, so let's do that.
Announcer: Stage Clear!
Nerd: Did I hit the right game? 'Cause this is awesome! Seriously, this is a lot of fun and not overly complicated. You enter the stage and you kill everything that moves. Simple as that. You collect some power-ups and weapons and then kill the boss when he arrives. Each stage is timed, and when you die it shaves twelve seconds off. Best of all, your powers are simple to use and you can recharge your power meter.
Nerd: Finally! A Spawn game that's free from bullshit! And it's fast too. I'm about to kill Vaporizer and beat the game!
Announcer: Stage Clear!
(Nerd kills Vaporizer, but finds out that he needs to play the multiplayer mode to complete the game)
Nerd: (Takes off his visor) What? I gotta beat the game again?? It's pulling the same shit as the Game Boy version! Well, who am I gonna find to help me beat this game, while in Hell?
(Clown teleports in)
Clown: Did somebody call the clownster?
Nerd: (sigh) Sure, why not?
(Nerd and Clown start playing the game together and eventually defeat the final boss)
Announcer: Stage Clear!
Nerd: Well, thanks for helpin' me out.
Clown: Hey, anything for a friend, right? Here, here's the final game from your pal clownster. See ya! (Gives the Nerd Spawn: Armageddon for the PS2 and teleports away)
Nerd: I think we hit the jackpot with this one. It starts with a Marilyn Manson song. Todd McFarlane worked on the story, and they got the best voice they could for Spawn: the animated series version himself, Keith David.
Violator: Honey, how could you?
Spawn: It was easy. You're my bitch.
Nerd: Spawn: The Eternal might have tried and failed to be Tomb Raider and Mortal Kombat, but this game succeeds in imitating Devil May Cry. Sure, that game might be better, but if we're talking Spawn games, this is the cream of the crop. You can easily use and recharge your powers, and you have a whole arsenal of weapons. The boss fights are hard, but not unfair. There's a strategy to beating them.
Nerd: Well, our journey started a little bumpy, it got really rough in the middle, and now, I think we're at the light at the end of the tunnel. Now let's fight that final boss.
Nerd: Oh no, it's Redeemer! He's back, and he's upgraded to become the legendary Metatron. The Metatron was a mythological celestial scribe, and the highest of all angels. But here, he's just Scorponok from Transformers. Fire everything you've got, and chop away with your battle axe.
(The Nerd defeats the final boss)
Nerd: Yeah! I did it!
(The Nerd approaches Satan)
Nerd: I did it, Satan. I beat your games.
Satan: Fine. Looks like you've won this time.
Clown: Boss! He cheated! I found these codes and passwords in the Nerd room!
Nerd: You set me up!
Satan: You cheated! You didn't grow. You didn't improve. You took the shortcut and gained nothing! (gives them Spawn: In The Demon's Hand on Dreamcast) You two must face each other in this. The winner can leave. The loser will be sent to the worst Hell ever imagined! I'm giving you teammates to make sure you play fair and square. Now go!
(The Nerd is able to defeat Clown's team and gets the victory)
Nerd: Yeeeah! Yeah!
(Clown starts screaming incomprehensibly before getting teleported away. He appears in a room full of movies)
Clown: Worst Hell imaginable, my fat ass! (farts) Come on, Satan! Good prank! Now send me back to regular Hell!
Clown: Satan? Satan??
(Tony from Hack The Movies looks up from the Spawn comic he was reading and looks at Clown)
Clown: You're not Satan.
Tony: Hey man, that's a... (chuckles) nice Clown costume! You wanna review Spawn with me?
Clown: NOOOOOO!!! I'm sick of Spawn! I'M SICK OF SPAAAAAAWN!!!
(Clown transforms into Violator and charges at Tony, who gasps in surprise)
Satan: Next time, Nerd. Next time...