(The episode begins where the Nerd puts away the Sonic Fury game box in the Action Max video game collection)
The Nerd: (Groans) Ugh, man... These games, I tell ya! (The Nerd looks into the Rampage arcade cabinet) Y'know, that one's alright, though! (The Nerd looks the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde poster and he groans disgustedly) Ughhhhh, but that one... Ah, man, most of these games are SHIT!
(Suddenly, The Nerd's stomach is churning)
The Nerd: Oh... That reminds me... I'll be right back.
(The Nerd runs into the bathroom and we hear bowels continue to gurgle. The Nerd looks at the Aladdin guy standing on the toilet and he hears a fart sound, followed by loud grunts, farting and squeezing. The Aladdin guy gasps)
The Nerd: Aladdin?!
(We hear a ploop sound, then the Aladdin guy points at him, laughs, and runs away, farting again)
The Nerd: What the fuck?! (We see the back of the inside toilet that is opened, with the sound of flies buzzing) Aladdin... took an upper-decker in my toilet! Aladdin... took an upper-decker!
(The Nerd picks up something inside the toilet and hears the sloshing of water, plus a fanfare, and the Aladdin Deck Enhancer is seen full of poop, followed by a digitized rendition of the theme song playing. After the opening, he wipes the poop off the Aladdin Deck Enhancer.)
Aladdin Deck Enhancer
The Nerd: (groans) Ugh... the Aladdin Deck Enhancer. What the hell does this thing do? It enhances your deck? Does it give me a new Char-Broil grill? Some new patio furniture or somethin'? (points at element on the box) Ahhh! (reading) Upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System? Wow! Really? (continues reading) Designed by the inventors of Game Genie?! That thing that helps ya cheat, and enter all kinds of crazy codes? The Game Genie was awesome! So, I bet this thing will be pretty cool. (continues reading) 64K memory upgrade for better graphics, bigger games? Nice! Aladdin is the future in console gameplay! Okay, let's see it "upgrade" my NES games! Maybe it'll take shitty games, and turn 'em into good games!
(The Nerd opens the box for it and pulls out part of the packaging. He then proceeds to pull Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure from his shelf and tries to put it into the Aladdin Deck Enhancer, but it doesn't fit.)
The Nerd: Huh? Doesn't fit.
(The Nerd pulls out the rest of the box and reveals a proprietary cartridge for the deck enhancer. He pulls out the Dizzy the Adventurer game and tries inserting it into the Deck Enhancer, but it doesn't fit. The Nerd reads the box and realizes his mistake.)
The Nerd: Oh, I see. It has its own special cartridges. Look at that "EXTENSIVE" library... of six games. Plus its own pack-in title, Dizzy the Adventurer. If only I had those special Aladdin Deck games.
(Aladdin pops out with the games in his hands.)
Aladdin: Did somebody say "Aladdin"? (gives them to the Nerd)
The Nerd: Oh, are these all the games here?
Aladdin: Yes, Nerd! It's a whole new world of gaming!
The Nerd: (angrily) I'll show you a whole new world... of PAIN!
(The Nerd chases Aladdin through the curtain and punches him a few times. He then returns with the games in his hands.)
The Nerd: Alright. (looks at the games) Oh, y'know what? That fucker didn't give me Micro Machines. Hmm... (gets on his computer) I'll just buy it on the Internet.
(The Nerd proceeds to order Micro Machines on the Internet. Next, the Nerd comes in with a package in his hand.)
The Nerd: Alriiiight! Let's see. (The Nerd opens the package, only to realize he didn't get the game.) Wait a minute. This isn't Micro Machines for the Aladdin Deck Enhancer! This is a Micro Machines thermos made by some company called... Aladdin!
(The Nerd opens the thermos.)
The Nerd: And it's dirty.
(The Nerd tries cleaning it with his shirt, only to release the genie with magic sounds.)
Genie: Oh man, bein' cooped up in a thermos for twenty years REALLY stiffens the joints! Time to stretch!
The Nerd: (Addressing the viewers) Okay, first Aladdin upper-decks my toilet, now a genie comes out of a thermos. This review's gettin' pretty fucky.
Genie: Since you freed me, I'm gonna grant you some wishes, Nerd!
The Nerd: Huh! Well, I guess I wish for... a copy of Micro Machines on the Aladdin Deck Enhancer.
Genie: You got it, buddy! One Micro Machines for the Deck Enhancer, comin' right up!
The Nerd: (Staring at the copy that magically appears in his hands) Wow, thanks! That's actually, uh, a pretty lame wish I just made.
Genie: So, what's your second wish?
The Nerd: Oh, nice! I get more?
Genie Yup! You get three wishes, hombre!
The Nerd: Good! Alright... well, then I wish for you to go swimming in a SEPTIC TANK!
Genie You go-- (Realizing what The Nerd just requested) Wait, what?
The Nerd: Yeah! You heard me. A sewage skinny dip in the most foul, disgusting, jam-packed septic tank that you could possibly find!
Genie Dang, that's messed up. Well, here you go. (The Genie reluctantly disappears to honor the second wish.)
The Nerd: Oh yeah, and if he comes back... I'm comin' up with somethin' even better for my third wish. Anyway, let's play the games.
The Nerd: First, let's start with the pack-in game: Dizzy the Adventurer. So, the first thing you gotta do: You take the cartridge, you insert it into the Enhancer like this... (Grunts) mmph! Yeah, that is just... mmh! Somethin' about that... that's just so satisfying, ya know? That's some good — (Grunts) mmh! — cartridge insertion there. Alright, let's get on with the game.
(The Nerd places it in the Top Loader, turning it on as the Deck Enhancer begins to spark and short out before exploding.)
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Aah! What the fuck?! That almost killed me! I guess my Top Loader took one too many bad games. Well, no worries — I have some alternatives. (The Nerd gets up from the futon before fading to another scene.) Well, I tried every system I own that plays NES games — none of it works. So, again, it's time to consult the Internet.
(The Nerd pounds his hands a few times on the keyboard and opens the Gaming Historian's YouTube channel before opening up his video on the Aladdin Deck Enhancer.)
The Gaming Historian: So, let's take a look at the Aladdin Deck Enhancer. (pauses the video)
The Nerd: Wait a minute, he has TWO of 'em? Nobody has two! Who would own multiple copies of something that shitty? (shakes his head, then continues watching the video)
The Gaming Historian: If you try to use it on a Top Loader, it could potentially fry your system. It also needs — (pauses the video again)
The Nerd: Well, learned that the hard way. So it doesn't work in ANYTHING, except the original NES. Hang on... (The Nerd gets up from his seat and pulls out the original NES.) Okay, so I tried ALL THREE of my original NES models. First one — didn't work. Second one — didn't work. And the third one? (inserts cartridge into the NES and turns the power on)
Dizzy: Let's play Dizzy!
The Nerd: (shocked) It works! Alright! Time to play!
Dizzy the Adventurer
The Nerd: "Dizzy and Daisy were walkin' through the woods searching for Pogie, their pet fluffle"? What's a "fluffle"? "They accidentally stumble onto the evil wizard Zak's castle, when Daisy gets a spell put on her and falls into an endless magical sleep. And now, it's up to Dizzy to save her."
Dizzy: Let's play Dizzy!
The Nerd: Okay, the game starts you off in this cave with a few items and a locked door. Grab the items and use them to get outta the room. You burn the pile of straw with the match, you throw some water on there... (The fire on the locked door appears as a glitch during the game) Uh... okay...? So I guess don't get TOO close.
(Restarts the level, but the fire is still there on the locked door)
The Nerd: Oh, come on!
(Dizzy dies again by fire. The Nerd begins to start getting angry, inhales sharply and takes the Dizzy the Adventurer/Aladdin Deck Enhancer cartridge out of the NES. Then he re-inserts the Aladdin Deck Enhancer with the game cartridge back and forth, grunting)
The Nerd: (sighs) Alright.
(The Nerd puts the Dizzy the Adventurer/Aladdin Deck Enhancer back into the NES.)
Dizzy: Let's play Dizzy!
The Nerd: (sighs) Okay, I feel a little better now. Alright, let's try to get off the first screen. So you get outta the cave and walk around, you find an item, you talk to a character, and you use the item. It's an interesting game, but ehh... kinda boring. Now, the one thing I'm really confused about here... this doesn't look any better than a regular NES game! Didn't they say that this was gonna "upgrade" it?
The Nerd: In what way is THIS enhancing my NES? It didn't work in most of them — even destroyed one! Ya know what? Is it at all possible... just maybe... I've been lied to?
The Nerd: So yeah, Dizzy's pretty bland. Like a hard-boiled egg, which is EGG-xactly what it is! Yeah, sorry. On to the next game.
The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy
The Nerd: Next we have The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy! Oh ho ho, I bet it's fantastic. It's a bit brighter than the last game: It has more colorful graphics, but the gameplay is worse... in some parts. This time he doesn't die in one hit at least, but he's still just as lame. Using items here is not as easy as in the first one. You have to make sure you pick them up in the right order, otherwise you drop them. I have no idea what to do, and I don't care to find out! These games are irredeemably boring. I mean, after all — it's an EGG solving puzzles.
The Nerd: (Uses the part of a nursery rhyme from Humpy Dumpty) All the king's horses and all the king's men... couldn't get their FUCKIN' SHIT PUT TOGETHER! Next game.
Big Nose Freaks Out
The Nerd: Uh... uh-huh. Big Nose Freaks Out. Holy shit!
The Nerd: You play as Big Nose the Caveman, slippin' and slidin' all over a slimy, shitty, putrid mess of HORRID graphics. The game kinda feels like a mix between Sonic the Hedgehog and Adventure Island, but with all the fun taken out. You bounce on mushrooms and collect bones. You can get a rock-ball, or whatever it is, to shoot at enemies. Without it, you have a club that's damn near useless: You have to be extremely close to an enemy to hit them, so most of the time, you just take a hit and die.
The Nerd: I do like this intro, though, with the "Savings and Bones" bank! Pretty decent pun, but they fuck it up with "Bones 'R' Us"! That's not even clever! Hope they went out of business, too!
Linus Spaceheads: Cosmic Crusade
The Nerd: Next we have Linus Spacehead's Cosmic Crusade. It starts off like a point-and-click, then it goes to basic platforming with some of the worst possible controls. Linus moves as slow as duck shit, and twice as slippery. Trust me, duck shit's slippery. Once Linus jumps, you'd better be okay with where he's going, because you can't control him after he leaves the ground. No mid-air steering! You know, like... Mario?
The Nerd: Also, he dies in one hit. So if I'm not jumpin' off cliffs, I'm jumpin' into enemies. Either way, I die. Linus Spacehead. More like Linus Shithead!
The Nerd: Here, we have Quattro Adventure and Quattro Sports. Each contain four different games — for four times the suckage. Let's start with Quattro Sports — and the first game on here? Baseball.
The Nerd: Hitting feels okay, but the ball moves REALLY slow! Oh, and pitching and fielding — those are even worse! I can't figure out how to throw different pitches, and the players on the field take forever to get to the ball. They just casually stroll around like they don't give a shit! Yeah — my advice? If you're a baseball fan, play ANY OTHER NES baseball game. Any of 'em.
The Nerd: Next is BMX Simulator — more like Crashing and Falling Simulator! I can't stay on the bike for more than eight seconds! The control's about as shitty as that movie, Rad BMX.
The Nerd: Soccer Simulator. For those who want a raging headache and motion sickness with their soccer games. The game always switches your control to the player closest to the ball, which should make sense, but every time it switches, I'm not ready, and end up running all over the place! The soccer ball looks like a pepperoni pizza, too.
The Nerd: Three sucky Quattro Sports games down, and one more to go. Pro Tennis. Wooow, look at this deranged dude. Maybe he REALLY likes tennis. The game ranges from playing like ass to playing like shitty ass. The serve seems to do whatever it wants. The window to hit is so precise, and seems to change whenever it feels like it. Sometimes I can get it, and even ace the computer, but most of the time I fault. You control where ya hit with the D-Pad, but sometimes when I'm tryin' to aim the ball, I end up missing because I ran past it. Oh well!
The Nerd: So Quattro Adventure! Four more shitty games, let's go! Great, Quattro Adventure includes more Dizzy and Linus Shithead.
The Nerd: Ugh... Treasure Island Dizzy is definitely the worst one so far. It's slow and choppy, and once again, Dizzy dies from everything. The worst are these death traps that just come outta nowhere and kill you with one hit. How is that fair? A cage that wasn't even on screen killed me? How, the hell, is anyone supposed to avoid that? I swear, this game was made to piss people off, and make them get buyer's remorse. Look at this: I try to get the money that's in shallow water, but Dizzy dies. This is a beginner's trap if I've ever seen one!
The Nerd: What kind of video game character can't tread water that's just above their head? Could you imagine going to a pool or something and the second your head goes underwater, ya die? Instantly? So fuck this game, and fuck Dizzy!
The Nerd: Linus Shithead. Again. Ah, I see. The other game, Linus Cosmic Crusade, was actually the second game. This is the first. So forgive me for reviewing them out of order. If ya care.
The Nerd: The first level is an underwater level — oh boy, if you were Dizzy, you would've started the level as a corpse! You ride bubbles to the top, but watch out; they pop, and have a completely random pattern. And you have limited time! If you're not fast enough, Linus drowns! Even after you get to the top, he still loses oxygen! Is he so stupid he just FORGETS to stop holding his breath?! The next level has killer coconuts everywhere. Linus has the same shit controls as the other, so, I just die. Fuckin' Linus!
The Nerd: Boomerang Kid! Ugh, the beginning shows this dumb character. DUUUHH! There's a little movie thing playing at the bottom. Boomerang Kid throws a boomerang and clobbers himself. Then he gets harassed by a kangaroo.
The Nerd: When the INTRO shows the main character being harassed by a kangaroo and clobbering himself with a boomerang, you KNOW it's gonna be some FUCK!
The Nerd: You run around and collect boomerangs. You can't attack, and die in one hit. That's all! There's nothing else to say.
The Nerd: And the last Quattro Adventure game: Super Robin Hood. You run around, collecting keys, treasure, and opening doors. Robin Hood has this goofy smile all the time. It's slow and monotonous, like every other game so far. And remember — this isn't just Robin Hood... this is SUPER Robin Hood! More like, POOPER Robin Hood!
The Nerd: One funny thing, though — when you die, you explode into hearts. Robin Hood. Explodes into hearts. Yeah.
The Nerd: Well, all these Aladdin games have sucked so far, but I'm hoping, I saved the best for last! (speaking fast) Micro Machines.
(The Nerd speaks superfast in the Micro Machines game, which looks like in the Micro Machines toy commercials)
The Nerd (speaking fast): Micro Machines! Micro Machines! Feel the shitty power, feel the suck-ass dual traction! Graphics are shit, the sound is shit, it fucks you in the eyes, it fucks you in the ears, it suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, it fuckin' blows, it's a piece of shit... It's actually not that bad.
The Nerd (speaking fast): Micro Machines is a decent deviation from the dismal, disgusting digest of the Aladdin Deck Enhancer, reminiscent of other racing romps, resembling R.C. Pro-Am and Super Off Road. It's a radical, wretched recreational racing regalement brought to you by the great and grand Galoob! Race your miniscule mechanisms on a myriad of marvelous micro marathons! Choose from a cavalcade of creative and compelling characters and collect a crowded congregation of conveyances to put in your car carrier! All in all, an acceptable, adequate addition to the American anthology of Nintendo-associated amusements.
The Nerd: But there's one little problem. This game seems VERY familiar. I know I've played it before, but not on the Deck Enhancer. I'm pretty sure I own this on NES!
(The Nerd goes over to the NES collection and picks the Micro Machines Camerica gold cartridge.)
The Nerd: I knew it! Micro Machines! It's one of those weird-ass gold carts. Those third-party unlicensed titles from the unholy alliance of Camerica and Codemasters. They're distinguished by those mysterious switches on the back. The switches have two positions: A and B. What are they for? Hm... (The Nerd looks at instructions in the back of the cartridge) "Position B. Only use this position if the game does not work with position A." (He scoffs) I-I guess this really confused the shit outta any kids unfortunate enough to own one of these fecal frisbees! But the REAL purpose was to bypass the NES lockout chip, which worked differently depending on which model NES you're using, hence the need for the switch. They could've just said, "To hack the lockout chip, use A or B. Pssst! Don't tell Nintendo."
The Nerd: But the games can't be EXACTLY the same, right? 64K memory upgrade! Better graphics! Bigger games!
(The Nerd goes into the original NES and inserts the Camerica cartridge. And guess what? It is the same Micro Machines game as the Aladdin Deck Enhancer did. The Nerd is surprised and gets up from the futon again.)
The Gaming Historian: But, this is all just marketing hype. The Aladdin Deck Enhancer is no different than a standard Camerica cartridge. (The video from The Gaming Historian continues as the Nerd looks at the two Micro Machines game cartridges) Inside the box is the Deck Enhancer with instructions, along with a Dizzy the Adventurer cartridge, and a poster manual for the game. Believe it or not —
The Nerd: (Screams in frustration) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
(Aladdin Deck Enhancer/Camerica side-by-side comparisons of the Micro Machines game, which are the same.)
The Nerd: (Sighs) The games are EXACTLY the same! There's NO DIFFERENCE! The Deck Enhancer is an add-on that adds NOTHING! They sold you the same games, with some assembly required.
The Nerd: It would be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer STILL doesn't fit! So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, (The Caldor store appears that is the next to the Cinemassacre video store) and THEN, you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing no better job washing away the horse shit!
The Nerd: Actually, there WAS some purpose, theoretically. It was meant to reduce costs. The Deck Enhancer contains most of the necessary chips that make a regular NES game work, so, the Aladdin games could be smaller and cheaper. The mentality was that you'd invest in a Deck Enhancer, and then build up your collection for a low price. Well, no thank you, I think I'll just stick to my regular, third-party, unlicensed, crappy Camerica games. Oh! But of course, there was that one exclusive game, Dizzy the Adventurer! Does that one make it worth it? (Dizzy jumps in and falls into the water as he dies in the game) No. It doesn't.
(A box in the back of the Aladdin Deck Enhancer is shown)
The Nerd: That box is a prime example of false advertising! "Upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System"? More like upper-decking it! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker.
(Cut to a drawn out-made Dizzy the Adventurer cartridge, known as Dizzy the Asshole, with the components are typically shown inside of the cartridge and later, the toilet bowl that was mentioned in the cold open)
The Nerd: With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving.
The Nerd: Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say "Aladdin is the future in console gameplay"? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal!
The Nerd: This thing had no future at all! All the "Coming Soon" games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
(The Nerd continues to distress, then magic sounds are heard again as the Genie comes back, filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish)
Genie: Hey, I'm back.
The Nerd: What are you doin' back here?
Genie: Look man, I'm just here to grant you your last wish so I can get outta here.
The Nerd: Oh yeah, that's right, I get one more wish. Okay! Well, for my last wish... I wish... ya know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer — on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
Genie: You got it, dude! Smell ya later!
(Genie disappears. The first scene fades to the Gaming Historian, who puts his Aladdin Deck Enhancer games on the desk as it turns red and explodes, then he takes cover.)
(The second scene fades to Rerez, who plays his Aladdin Deck Enhancer games on the NES as it turns red and explodes, then he takes cover.)
Rerez: (Exclaims) Oof!
(The third scene fades to the Game Sack, who plays his Aladdin Deck Enhancer games on the desk as it explodes, then he takes cover as electromagnetic interference appears on his TV.)
(The fourth scene fades to JLuv81, who plays her games on the NES as the Aladdin Deck Enhancer on her game shelf explodes, then she takes cover.)
(The fifth scene fades to Stop Skeletons from Fighting, who shows Metalstorm on the NES as the Aladdin Deck Enhancer on his game shelf explodes.)
(The sixth scene fades to Rocco, who cleans his game on the NES as the Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes in his NES Collection box.)
Rocco: What the FUCK?!
(The seventh scene fades to Pam from Cannot Be Tamed, where her Aladdin Deck Enhancer on her game shelf explodes.)
Pam: What the fuck?
(The eighth scene fades to John from JohnRiggs, where he holds the Aladdin Deck Enhancer.)
John: ...the Aladdin Deck Enhancer, we'll try...
(The Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes in John's hand.)
John: HOLY BALLS!
(The ninth scene fades to Ircha Gaming, where her Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes on her game shelf.)
(The tenth scene fades to Radical Reggie, where his Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes as he takes cover.)
(The eleventh scene fades to Erin from Erin Plays, where her Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes in her hand.)
(The twelfth scene fades to Bobdunga, where her Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes like fireworks in her NES.)
Bobdunga: Oh my God!
(The thirteenth scene fades to Shawn, where his Aladdin Deck Enhancer turns red and burns his hand, then he drop it on the floor as it explodes.)
Shawn: Ahh! ...What the hell just happened?!
(The fourteenth scene fades to Candi, where she is playing the Virtual Boy as her Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes on the desk.)
Candi: What the hell?!
(The fifteenth scene fades to Game Dave, where his Aladdin Deck Enhancer turns red before it explodes.)
Game Dave: (Gasps) Not my Aladdin Deck Enhancer collection!
(The Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes, then Game Dave takes cover.)
Game Dave: (Shrieks)
(The sixteenth scene fades to the Pixel Game Squad, where Riff's Aladdin Deck Enhancer explodes in his hand as Riff loses it, and then he wakes up.)
Riff: Well, wasn't too bad! (His hand bleeds)
(The scene fades back to The Nerd, where his Aladdin Deck Enhancer turns red as he drops it on the sofa, where it explodes, then he takes cover.)
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Whoo! Yeaah...