(Hydlide main music plays, showing the title card of the Hydlide review, before fading into a second version of the title card. The screen then fades to show The Nerd.)
The Nerd: In all the anals of history, no game has ever slurped so much shit as Hydlide. Well, actually, no, not really because compared to the shit I played, it's pretty much intermediate diarrhea. But anyway, (screen cuts to the Hydlide review.) eight years ago, I played the first Hydlide. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. (Screen cuts back to the current video, with the Nerd giving a shocked face.) The other Hydlide games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more! Y'know, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong? That I can't stand! I-I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! HYDLIDE!
(The Nerd vomits the box for Super Hydlide on the ground, before choking on a spurt of blood and puking out the box of Virtual Hydlide on the ground.)
The Nerd: HYYYYD-LIDE! HYY-- DDGLIGDEGGH-Ugh!
(The Nerd wipes his face and continues talking.)
The Nerd: Guess we just got to get it all out!
The Nerd: So, here's Super Hydlide, on the Sega Genesis and Virtual Hydlide, on the Sega Saturn. Virtual Hydlide is actually a remake of the original. While Super Hydlide is a Genesis port of the THIRD (chuckles) Hydlide game from Japan! Yes, you heard me right. This is the third installment. The second one was only in Japan. Japan should've kept them all... and incinerated them. (sighs) So, without further a-doo-doo, let's start with Super Hydlide. Let's pop this FUCKER in, and get this over with.
The Nerd: The game starts up with a collection of the most shrill noises the Sega Genesis could possibly produce. This is the closest you could get to "16-bit nails on chalkboard", and it's playing over one of the worst logos ever designed by humans. If you didn't already know, this is a Hydlide review, you'd have no idea what that says! So, right off the bat, it's an all-out assault of the senses on two fronts. And look at that cutscene; it looks like a two-year-old discovered Microsoft Paint.
The Nerd: When you start, you're given the option of a character class. There's four: Warrior, Thief, Priest, and Monk. The one thing I do like about the game is you can put up to eight letters for your names, so I can write pretty much any curse word I like in here, like, uh, "fucker" or "dick face dildo" - no, it doesn't fit, but anyway, I'm gonna go with the classic standby: ASSSSSSS!!
The Nerd: And with that, we have the last nice thing I will ever say about this game.
The Nerd: Dear Lord, look at this! Everything looks like pixelated ass-splatter! The people are nothing but a diuretic debacle moving around at one frame a second. I can't even tell which one I am! I mean, for the love of sweet shit-take mushrooms - and yes, like the annals of history, I know what it is, it's "shiitake", but, it's spelled "SHIT-TAKE"! This game looks like the Glitch Gremlin had a freaky fuckfest all over it! And this isn't even a glitch! IT'S JUST HOW THE GAME LOOKS!
The Nerd: This game looks like the original, and it's twice the bits! Supposedly "Sega does what Nintendo doesn't". Well, this one does JACK SHIT!
The Nerd: Super Hydlide is just downright ugly, and it came out in 1990. Phantasy Star II came out on Genesis the same year, and looks ten times better. I mean, even Final Fantasy on the NES had better graphics than this hog vomit!
The Nerd: So, let's play the damn thing. The first thing I do is go outta the town and get my ass handed to me. Your character doesn't start with weapons; you have to buy them. So you walk all over this hodge-podge building that defies all architectural logic. Oh, and be careful when you're buying stuff, because everything in this game has weight. I understand, this is commonplace in most RPGs now, but how does it make sense that a dagger weighs twice the amount of a goddamn club? Is the dagger made of solid lead? Fuck it! I'm buyin' a club.
(Taking damage while funk music plays. Weak flute music plays while the Nerd appears in the corner of the screen:)
The Nerd: AAAAASSSSSSS!
The Nerd: So, it turns out I'm also supposed to stop at the general store and buy some healing items. Where's the general store, you might ask? Why, in a generic unmarked building that looks like a regular house! Seriously, how was I supposed to know that? At least the Weapons Store looks like an important building. The General Store is tucked away in the back, like it doesn't matter. And again, what's up with the weight? Why does the Japanese helmet weigh as much as a club and dagger COMBINED? Oh, and be sure to buy some food, too, because if it gets too far past lunchtime you, lose health and die of starvation. I actually timed it. It takes about two hours in-game before you die. So, don't skip any meals in this world. The consequences could be deadly!
The Nerd: Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.
The Nerd: So, now that I have all my crap, it's time to kill monsters, but not all the monsters. You gotta make sure you're only killing the "Evil Monsters". According to the manual, killing "Good Monsters" will lower your Morality, and you won't become a "true hero". So, don't kill the Slime, Tree Spirit, or Phantom, but DO kill the Heavy Slime, Cannibal and Wraith! Makes sense. Right? Except it's all in black and white, and they all look the same! And for the love of God, don't kill Sarah; the kangaroo-rabbit thing.
The Nerd: So, after killing a fuckton of monsters, you can use your experience points at the temple to level up, or buy spells at the Wizard's house. The first spell you get is "Illusion". All it does is make everyone on the screen freak out. Also, for some reason, at 18 o'clock, everything turns yellow. I guess it's sunset, but it looks more like all the grass just died and the world turns into a 16-bit piss-puddle. I have NO idea what to do after running around for hours - and that's REAL-LIFE hours, not in-game -I found these two locations: One, is this place where all it gives you is a sound test. Why would I want to walk into a random abandoned town, just to hear the music, from this game? The other location is this maze. I walk around and just die. Over, and over, and over, in the same place. I can't figure out where to go! The townspeople just give vague hints, but no actual direction! I can't even buy armor because it weighs too much! So, after dying over and over, I've realized something... I'd rather set up a Slip 'N Slide over a RUPTURED SEPTIC TANK than play any more of it!! And that's something I've never even tried yet.
The Nerd: In conclusion, the game is shit, literally. And yes, I mean "literally", the game is actually shit! I will back up this claim by reading from a book by Harry G. Frankfurt - a professor of philosophy at Princeton University. The book is "On Bullshit". (reading) "It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit, itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely omitted (or dumped)." So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!
The Nerd: Well... one good thing: you can turn off the Sega, take the game out, and place it somewhere dark and outta the way, so ya never have to play it again. Maybe Virtual Hydlide will be the redeemer of the series; I mean just read the back of the box! This game is the "first 3D Polygon Action RPG for any new generation system!" It has a "digitized main character for the ultimate in realism!" "Computer graphics and 3D backgrounds created on high-tech workstations!" Plus, a "unique 'creative world function'" with "over 40 billion possible combinations!" That's a "Billion" with a "B", as in "Bullshit!"
The Nerd: So, let's refresh: you take the crap factor of the original 8-bit Hydlide, doubled up to get 16-bit-shit Super Hydlide, then add a whole new dimension of suck-fuckery and get Virtual Hydlide! More like "Virtually Unplayable"!
The Nerd: Oh, yeah; it's on the Saturn, so I have to set the date and time. I'll let it keep thinking it's '94, so it doesn't know it's cruel fate of being discontinued.
[Sega Saturn Intro]
The Nerd: Man, oh man, look at those graphics! Did someone sneeze all over the camera lens? The beginning is basically the same as the original Hydlide, where the dragon guy turns the princess into three fairies, just with a lot higher production values. This is kinda like "Hydlide: Special Edition".
The Nerd: To start the game, you need to create a new world. This randomly generates the layout. You still have to do the same quests in the same order, but the locations change. So, uhh... who gives a shit?
[♫ Field - Virtual Hydlide ♫]
The Nerd: The fuck?!
(The Nerd hits the slime, killing it, while a thousand children cry his death. The Nerd ends up traumatized with the game. Then, he takes off his glasses to "clean them.")
The Nerd: Oh, God! This can't be real! I'm... wiping the steam from my glasses - the steam that's rising from this pile of goat shit!
The Nerd: It looks like the deformed bastard child of CDI Zelda and Ocarina of Time Zelda. Why does he walk like that? What a sight to behold. Never, in all my years, have I gazed upon something as grotesquely hideous as Virtual Hydlide. You have EVERY shade of the vomit rainbow. And the barf rainbow, too. And the first enemies I face, are trees! [Similar to fighting rocks in the first game.] I'm FIGHTING the scenery!
The Nerd: [signs] Man, [stammering] what a letdown! And the back of the box did such a good job hyping it up. If you can't believe the back of a box, who can you trust?
The Nerd: So, the game is a big fetch quest. Just follow the blue mark on the compass, grab the item you need and run to the next. And just like in the original, I have to grab the Crucifix from the Graveyard to kill the Vampire. In the Vampire's Mansion, you have to touch a buncha balls to open a door. The camera doesn't seem to know what to do with itself, and the narrow halls really showcase the terrible controls. This place is a mess. At the end, ya get to the first boss fight against the Vampire. He even talks!
The Nerd: I know what he said. All he said, was "Bullshit!" Literally, and yes, I mean literally! To quote Frankfurt, again: "Just as hot air as speech that has been emptied of all informative content, so excrement is matter from which everything nutritive has been removed. Excrement may be regarded as the corpse of nourishment. What remains when the vital elements and food have been exhausted. In this respect, excrement is a representation of death." Ok, this book is losin' me. Have you ever looked into a toilet and said, "oh shit, I shat out a dead body!" "Perhaps it is for making death so intimate that we find excrement so repulsive." Or is it perhaps because it stinks?!
The Nerd: Yeah, so just as a turd is virtually a corpse, Virtual Hydlide is "virtually" a GAME! But anyway, the Vampire's a pushover. So hand him his ass! Hand it to 'im! Just make sure to equip the Crucifix, then stand in front of 'im and swing. Yeah! Kill that motherfucker!
[Opens treasure] You get Tool.
The Nerd: You get- "You get Tool."? [stammering] W-w w-well yeah! I-I get Tool; they're awesome! The band. As long as I don't have to play this cold and ugly game sober as you vicariously watch me as I hold a grudge with a hooker (really nice references Nerd) at the o - never mind; back to the game.
The Nerd: Killing the Vampire gets you the "Super Magic Lamp". You need this to light up the next dungeon. In here, you get a "Dark Sword", which shoots Hadoukens at enemies; it makes the game a lot better - Well, it makes it slightly more tolerable. This dungeon doesn't even have a boss; just a couple of chests. You get Tool again, and run in the next dungeon.
The Nerd: One thing that really pisses me off is havin' to run back through the dungeon after getting the item. It doesn't warp you to the beginning, like in Zelda, you have to run ALL the way back, the way you came. And the later dungeons are long as hell! Some even have more than one level! Now you get the "Spectacles of Truth", which let you find secret entrances in the next area. They also turn everything red. It makes the game look like you're playing an interactive colonoscopy, which would probably be more fun.
[Nerd drops the Saturn controller while looking at the screen with anger]
The Nerd: Okay, I can't take this anymore. I'll finish it after lunch.
[turns the Saturn off]
The Nerd: All right. Nice and refreshed. Let's finish this garbage. [Turns the Saturn on]
The Nerd: I have to set the date every time?! What's the point of a clock, then?
The Nerd: What the shit...? Where's my save file?! The game didn't save?! Aw, that's right; the battery must be dead. Because the Sega Saturn has those... watch batteries inside; you have to replace them. Yeah, it's this battery, right here - 2032.
[generic pharmacy music]
[rings in frustration]
The Nerd: All right, I'm done runnin' errands; time to run some virtual errands.
The Nerd: Thankfully, you can just enter your world code and it'll be the same layout, but you still gotta start from the beginning. You only level up after completing an objective, so killing enemies is pointless. It's just for score. You can, however, use the points ya earned to buy items at a store, but they're available for free in the game, so who gives a shit? The only item you SHOULD get is the "Scroll of Detect". It shows all treasure chests on the map. I ended up getting back to where I was pretty fast. On top of that, I got better items than I had on my first playthrough. So, that's cool, I guess. Actually, no, it isn't. The fairy armor looks real stupid. Honestly, any armor you get looks stupid on this guy. But it's powerful, so, whatever. Okay. Now I'm back where I left off, and it's at this point, the game gets tedious as all Hell. Every dungeon from here on out wraps all over the place. This is the Volcanic Cave. It's filled with enemies and fireballs. Even stepping on the lava marks hurt you.
[health bar decreases as the character is on a lava mark]
The Nerd: Oh, great! Now I'm cursed! Once you find a cursed item, you can't unequip it. This really sucks, because you need the Dragon Shield to kill the Mad Dragon boss. Oh, man, I'm so dead; I don't wanna have to run through this, again. Do I have anything... helpful? "Scroll of Herb"? Here goes nothin'.
The Nerd: All right, that actually worked! I turned the Curse Shield into an herb. Now to kick the Dragon's ass! Suck on that, ya fuck!
The Nerd: So, more advice: on top of the Scroll of Detect, also get the Scroll of Herbs, so you can turn everything into herbs. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I gotta run back through this hellhole. Oh, and great. I died.
[respawns at the entrance]
The Nerd: Wait, I'm back at the entrance? All this time, I've been running all the way back through the dungeon, WHEN I COULD JUST KILL MYSELF TO TELEPORT?!! Okay, well now I know.
The Nerd: Luckily, I found that out before the next dungeon. It's not too crazy of a maze this time, but there's multiple levels to it. Each maze takes you to an elevator down. Another nifty trick I learned is on the map screen, you can turn your character. Just point 'im in the right direction and hold the Run button. And most the enemies stay outta your way, too! I'm killin' this dungeon! Oh, shit - minecart! Whoa!!! What would a Hydlide remake be, without rippin' off somethin' from Indiana Jones? All you need is the music from the first Hydlide, and it's perfect.
[the main theme from the NES Hydlide plays ♫]
The Nerd: The boss of this dungeon is the Evil Mage.
(More incomprehensible muttering, which then cuts to a clip of the Muzzy video commercial, except Bob is replaced with the Mage.)
(The Mage let out more incomprehensible muttering)
The Nerd: He floats around, twiddlin' his thumbs or somethin'. He's easy, but you can only hit 'im when he touches the ground. Get comfy, because he takes forever. Oh, c-c'mon, will you just land, so I can... shoot your ass?! C'MON! Get the fuck down... get the fuck down! Get the FUCK down - feels like I'm talkin' to a cat, "Get down!" [with an Austrian/German accent] "Get down!" Get down! GET DOWN! [sighs] It's after about a week and a half of him floating around, you beat him and get the next item. It's the "Tears of the Earth". The world is crying - this game is so bad. You use them at this sign, and ya make the "Fortress of FUCKIN' Solitude" appear. Guessing that's where "Superman 64" lives. This area looks confusing, but it's actually the easiest part to navigate. Just get to the center. The next part is what's annoying. It's a maze surrounding floating blocks. It's tedious, but eventually you get through, and fight the boss.
[attacks, but deals no damage]
The Nerd: That I... can't hurt? What? I'm hitting him with everything I got! This is [grabs the Bullshit titled book] "Bullshit!" [throws book to camera] [thud with camera shaking] See, I hit him with that, too!
The Nerd: So, it turns out the only way to beat this boss, and the final one, is to find the "Sword of Light". That's fine and all, but maybe I could've been told that? Nowhere in the game does it ever mention needing the Sword, or really, any item other than the ones you get from boss fights. In fact, the game holds your hand throughout, giving you a marker to the objective at all times. The Sword can be found on that part with the floating blocks. In a random chest. So, you have to use the Scroll of Detect and check every goddamn chest until you find it. How was I ever supposed to know this? I had to look it up, because I couldn't believe the game would just fuck me over like that! But it did. When I looked up that information, I learned something else too: the Knight's name is "Jim". Jim. "Jim the Knight"; well Jim doesn't sound like a knight sounds, like a nerd. So, you get the Light Sword, you Hadouken the monster, the building falls down, and the fairies save you. Wow, look at that! He looks like Poochie the Rockin' Dog goin' back to his home planet on The Simpsons.
Poochie: (V/O) "I have to go now. My planet needs me."
[Jim is carried by the Three Fairies]
[Banjo playing as a nod to The Simpsons]
The Nerd: This is the final level, thank God! Now you're actually playing a colonoscopy! It starts with you fighting the Vampire again, but this time, he has bats that swarm all over you. He's still kinda easy. Ya just can't bum-rush him like last time. After 'im, you fight the Mage, but this time he flies in TWO directions!
The Nerd: [sarcastic] Whoa!
The Nerd: After you beat these two assholes, it's on to the dragon guy, "Varalys", which sounds like boner medication. It's the same shit. You keep hadoukening him. He dies. You win. Cue that beautiful FMV. And the Fairies turned back into the Princess, who looks like she just got off the set of a hair metal video.
The Nerd: Wait, what? Did she just look at the camera? Is she related to the Princess in "Sonic '06"?
The Nerd: Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking "Congratulations!" screen.
The Nerd: Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, Virtual Hydlide is literally "Bullshit". [Searches book] Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so...
[Nerd scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing an old "meme"]