(Open on pre-text: "This Video contains scenes of explicit Bullshit and Suck Fuckery".)
(Cue Resident Evil style AVGN intro, complete with main menu.)
Voice: The Angry Video Game Nerd.
Nerd: Capcom is a name that needs no introduction. In the '80s and '90s, Capcom was one of the most dominant companies in the arcade and home console market. You'd be hard-pressed to go somewhere in public, and not see a Capcom machine or one of their games at somebody's house.
In 1993, Capcom began development on a new game with a focus on horror. Originally conceived as a remake of the 1989 horror RPG Sweet Home for the Famicom, Capcom put Tokuro Fujiwara, the game's original director, in charge of the project. Fujiwara made his name in Capcom as the producer and sometimes director of a ton of great games, such as Ghosts 'n' Goblins, Bionic Commando, DuckTales and Chip 'n Dale on the NES. Hell, he even produced almost every Mega Man game on the NES and SNES. Best of all though, he produced the classic Street Fighter Two-Thousand-Fuckin'-Ten! Hot damn!
To direct the project Fujiwara chose Shinji Mikami, the designer of Disney's Aladdin and Goof Troop on the Super Nintendo. Yeah, no joke! Who would have thought that the designer of Goof Troop would go on to create one of the most iconic horror series ever made?
In '96, Resident Evil came out. The game revolutionized the horror gaming genre, even going as far as coining the term "Survival Horror". The series is still goin' strong today, spawning a shit-ton of sequels, as well as a movie that also spawned a shit-ton of sequels.
But today, I wanna focus mainly on the PlayStation 1 era of Resident Evil. The games focused less on all-out combat, and more on conserving your items. This adds a lot of tension, because if you run out of ammo, you're fucked. This is where the "survival" part of the genre comes in. It's about escaping, rather than fighting. The controls take a LOT of time getting used to. I referred to them in the past as "tank controls" because pushing up makes you move forward, no matter what direction you're facing. Pair this with the camera angles, and it's REAL disorienting. I fuckin' hated the tank controls, but looking back on it, it did nothing to hurt Resident Evil's legacy.
One thing I find funny is at the end of every game, you trigger a self-destruct timer. It's like they couldn't come up with any more ideas how to end the games, so they just rehash the ending of the first one.
After making the first three games for the PlayStation, Capcom set its eyes on the new systems that were on the horizon. From here on out, Resident Evil was going next-gen! Except for one last game on the PlayStation: Resident Evil: Survivor.
The game came out in 2000. By then, a real Resident Evil sequel called Code Veronica had already hit the Dreamcast. Not to mention, the PlayStation 2 was only a few months away.
So, basically, this game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls. This game is -
(Sound of helicopter rotors.)
(He goes outside to see what's going on.)
(We're now in the black-and-white intro to RE1. Alpha Team walk through the tall grass. They all stop. The Nerd appears...)
Nerd: Hey, who are you guys? And why are you in my yard? Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo??
Joseph: "Hey! C'mere!"
(Joseph carefully reaches down and discovers a severed hand, still desperately clutching a pistol. He screams and drops it. The dogs bolt over to him, and the camera zooms in on his terrified eyes as he is ripped apart. Chris, then the duo of Barry and Wesker, turn to look. It then switches for a while between the dogs' open mouths and Joseph's own open mouth, screaming desperately. Jill's face is then seen.)
(A dog charges at Chris, who fires off a few shots from his pistol at it. Jill then runs, firing off two shots at the creatures. Three pistol shots then hit the ground, evidently missing their target. Wesker then shoots twice at the creatures while running.)
Wesker: "Hwuh! Waah!"
(Barry then gets one shot off with his Colt Python. What is left of Alpha team then stops, noticing their helicopter is taking off.)
Chris: "No! Don't go!"
(The helicopter flies off into the horizon, leaving the team stranded.)
Nerd: Wow. What an asshole.
(The dogs then continue their pursuit, leaving Alpha running again. Chris shoots one of the dogs twice, causing it to groan in pain. Wesker shoots.)
Chris: "Jill, run for that house!"
Nerd: Yeah, fuck that! I'm goin' home!
(Cue the RE1 door animation with the Nerd's door, transitioning to his room.)
Nerd: Ya see that shit?! Well, I guess I gotta explain: The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some Resident Evil: Survivor, have a pint, and wait for all this to blow over.
How's that for a slice of fried ass?! So, here we are. Resident Evil: Survivor. The turd of the series, the unplanned turd when Capcom shit their PlayStation Pants beyond any hope of cleaning, so bad they had to throw it away. The game starts with a wall of text that takes forever to scroll. Even the narrator doesn't have the patience to wait for it. He reads most of it before it even hits the screen!
Narrator: "...wipe out the entire city. However, this was not the only location where an outbreak occurred..."
Nerd: Then the cutscene starts, and man, is it ugly. Just look at the intros for Resident Evil 2. At the time, these looked great, and this came out two years before. So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, falls off and the copter crashes, then that same helicopter shits another guy out! Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it! And there's your main character, helicopter diarrhea. What a lame character. He looks generic, and his clothes are that particular shade of mold-covered shit green.
Man! How many times can I talk about shit before I even played the damn game?! So the game starts, and it's in first person, which seems like it would be awesome.
Yeah, a first-person Resident Evil game; sounds like a great idea on paper... too bad it's on toilet paper! Y'know, I've probably talked about shit more times than I've actually shit! But it's a fact that when they wrote down the idea for this game, they wrote it on toilet paper. Toilet paper that was already used- alright, let's get on with this.
The main problem is they kept the controls of the other games. Also, to fight, you have to hold down R1 and move a cursor on your target. The game was originally made as a light gun shooter with GunCon support, but that might have made the game somewhat decent, and that's obviously not what they were goin' for here.
You run into an alley and fight the first zombie, and it's awful. You shoot him four times, he falls awkwardly, and shits a key out! Seriously, look at it! It comes out of his ass!
Y'know, I'm startin' to notice a trend here: the zombie shits out a key, the helicopter shits out the main character, and Capcom shit out this game!
After you pick up the key, you choose between three doors. Each one brings you to a different location. This place is some kinda movie theater. Here, you come to your first puzzle, if you even call it that. In the older games, you had to solve puzzles to find certain items and open new paths. Some were easy, like pushing blocks to make a bridge, but others, you'd have to use a little more thought, like pushing buttons in the correct order to find an item. Resident Evil: Survivor, however, just has you find an item in the same room, and use it. Here, you find some film and put it in the projector! Afterwards you run back to the theater, and there's a key, for no reason! So you get the key and leave the theater. Then you encounter some zombie dogs and a ringing phone.
"The phone... hang up.."? How 'bout, "the fuckin' game turn off"?!
At this point the game starts throwing a variety of enemies at you, but you always face one type at a time. There's a mix of monsters from the first three games, like these jumping lizard guys called Hunters, giant spiders, birds, and Lickers. Yeah, that's their name, because they have a giant tongue they lick you with. Real clever.
Sometimes you run into this big asshole. At first, I thought he was the boss, but he's so easy, and he shows up a lot! At one point, you're walkin' in this dark cave or somethin', and there's like, ten of them. They give ya ammo when you kill him, by... shitting it out, of course. The same guy shows up in Resident Evil 2, but there, he's scary! He stalks you all throughout the second scenario. He even transforms in the end and becomes the final boss.
Nerd: But here, he just walks around like he's lost and lets you shoot him. Seriously, I kill every one of these guys and barely ever take a hit. So, anyway, I head into this library and there's this tiny bald guy who calls you Vincent. He tells you that this is all your fault, and then he runs away. I sense a twist! It turns out that the little guy is the janitor of the fuckin' sewer, and he actually lives down there. You find this out by reading his diary that's just left on a desk.
"Dear... Diarrhea... I'm the biggest FUCKIN' loser... in the whole WORLD!"
Through reading it, you also discover the main character is the evil Vincent, a high-ranking member of the Umbrella Corporation and the man responsible for the outbreak. What a twist!
Ark: "I am Vincent! It was all my fault!"
Nerd: Then a kid walks in and dances like he has ghost peppers concealed in his (sigh) you-know-where. The character animation in this game is laughable. They all look like they're doin' the robot! Even the zombies are animated like shit. When you kill them, they fall like a sack of bricks. Wow. Either, there's some frames missin'... or a gravity rift opens and thrust them to the floor at the speed of light.
It's hard to believe, but the voice acting is the worst of any Resident Evil. I know people joke about the first one:
Barry: "What is this?"
Wesker: "Wow, what a mansion!"
Barry: "That was too close! You were almost a Jill sandwich!"
Jill: "Mm, you're right!"
Enrico: "Everything was plotted from the start by Umbrella. Ah-! Ah...."
Nerd: But listen to this!!
Ark: "Can you hear me? Who are you? What are you doing? Answer me!"
"... Umbrella. So this is where the city is controlled from"
(Ark suffers a migraine)
Nerd: There's a prison area with a bunch of naked zombies everywhere. Of course, you find a bunch more diary diarrhea. This one's from a prisoner that says he was abducted by the Men in Black. Oh, does that mean Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones work for Umbrella too? After the prison you go into this office building, and get to see probably the funniest cutscene in any game ever: It starts off with a voice message from Vincent's mom.
Mom: "Vincent? It's me. Your mother!"
Ark: "My mother?"
Mom: "Vincent, please! Listen to your mother! I want you to leave Umbrella. I want you to stop performing those terrible crimes and just come back hooomeee...!"
Nerd: That's in the finished game!
Next, you get the worst run cycle ever! Look at that! The kid runs full force and only goes like, three feet. Was this really the best they could have done? So you chase these little bastards through a river or something, and you runs these weird vibrating giant spiders. I think they glitched, but I played through this part a couple of times, and it always happens. The game I have is in near-perfect condition, so my only conclusion is they're meant to just... vibrate.
After that, you get to the kids' house. There's some items here, including herbs. I forgot to mention that herbs are the method of healing in the Resident Evil series. The programmers of this game should have smoked less herbs! You can combine herbs together - if you have an hour of free time! Just look at this: I picked up a red herb and I want to combine it with the green herb to make a full heal. I select the green herb, and then have to find the red herb. The scrolling takes forever. In the older games, it was like two, seconds. Also, I feel the Resident Evil way of using items was always weird. First, you find an item and check it, and then it asks if you want the item. Well, considering I went to pick it up, I'd say I fuckin' want it! Imagine if that's how it worked in real life.
(Cutaway joke. The Nerd picks up a Rolling Rock from the dresser and is interrupted by the RE1 inventory screen. "Will you take the R. Rock?" Yes. "You've taken the R. Rock." Fade briefly back to the Nerd, then back to the inventory screen. Select the R. Rock; command: USE. It disappears. Fade back to Nerd.)
Nerd: ...Where the fuck did my beer go? (burp)
When you get to the kids' house, you find the girl hiding in a room. It turns out the boy went to the Umbrella factory, so you have to go find 'im. How he made it there is beyond me because there's all kinds of Hunters, dogs and those big trenchcoat bastards.
The Umbrella factory has some of the worst music I've ever heard. And Resident Evil's known for having great music, it's creepy and unsettling. But this sounds like somebody bought a $2.00 Casio at the Goodwill, and threw it down the stairs!
(strings and horns mixed with random beeps and boops)
Nerd: How were they okay with this?! (stammering) Was there any quality assurance?
So, after running through a ton more monsters, you find the kid. He's being attacked by a Hunter monster, so you shoot it. And now the kid loves you!
Lott: "Please forgive me."
Ark: "What are you talking about? It's not your fault. Vincent is the one who caused everything... well... I mean, I..."
Lott: "You? What do you mean? You're the detective. Your name is Ark Thompson."
Nerd: So... it turns out you aren't Vincent. You're some dickhead named Ark Thompson, and you were acting as a spy to expose the Umbrella Corporation. The guy dressed in white, who fell from the helicopter, is actually Vincent. What a twist. This is where the game's writers make the lousiest attempt possible to connect this game to the Resident Evil canon:
Ark: "That's right! At the request of my friend Leon S. Kennedy, I came here to investigate. Oh, yes... I remember! I remember everything!"
Nerd: That's right, Leon from Resident Evil 2 is this asshole's friend. Leon was probably sending Ark there to die. Also, I find it weird he calls Leon by his full name. Who the fuck does that? And this is internal monologue, he isn't talking to anyone.
So you send the kid, by himself, back to find the girl. And they're supposed to meet you at the evacuation route later. Oh, and cue that self-destruct timer!
PA: "The self-destruction system has been activated."
Nerd: Now, I've only been playing about an hour, and I'm at the end of the game already! Compared to the other Resident Evil games, this one is easy as fuck! This is my first time playing through, and I'm about to beat it! Sure, I've died a couple times, but this game has continues instead of ink ribbons like in the other games. I guess that's one good thing about it! The only good thing.
Anyway, the last area is the same as the rest: Find an item, open a door and run through. This time, however, the weird sewer janitor comes to kill you, because he still thinks you're Vincent. Too bad he gets killed by this naked claw guy. I know he's called the Tyrant, but I like naked claw guy better. Like every other thing in this game, he's easy. He runs around swiping at the air until he dies... or does he??
On to the next room, where the two kids are somehow already at the evacuation train, waving. So let me get this straight: This kid has time to run all the way back to the house, get his sister, run all the way the factory, and find the train, all before you do, and plus, there's monsters all over! Either these kids are really badass, or Ark Thompson is a huge pussy. I'll let you decide. 'cuz I already have.
To move the train, you have to run and hit a switch that's right next to it. This game just keeps goin' halfway with its puzzles, why even have them?! This is yet another fetch quest on the large dung heap of other fetch quests throughout the game!
So you run to one end of the room, then run to the door, and get to a helipad, but watch out! The naked claw guy from before is crouched on a rooftop like fuckin' Batman, just waiting for you. He jumps down and the final boss fight begins. All he does is run around with his mouth open and swings at you.
It's terrifying! Oh, sorry, I meant embarrassing. As long as you keep walkin' backwards and shooting, he can't hit you! What a joke! Shoot him enough times and his... shoulder eyeball grows, or something, and then he gets bigger. So now it's the FINAL final battle, which isn't much different from the first final battle. You run around, shoot him, he dies... or does he??
You get on the helicopter, everything seems good, and you fly away. The End... or is it?! No, the monster somehow gets to your helicopter, after you fly a thousand feet up and the entire fuckin' island explodes!! It makes no sense! But what happens next makes even less sense...
So you shoot him with a missile, and then shoot a missile into the other missile, and now he's dead! The helicopter does the most awkward fly-by, and the game ends... or does it?!? No, it does, for real this time. There's the credits.
Oh, and to answer my question from earlier: According to the credits, there was no quality assurance. No game testers. At all. And that means no one checked this game before it came out. What a surprise.
After beating it, you have the option to save the guns you found during your playthrough for another run. There are different story segments, depending on the route you take, but I give two less shits than I did before. All it changes is who gets killed by the naked claw guy. So I guess it's an attempt at adding replay value... (laughing) ...replay va-- But is it replay value if you never want to replay it ever again?!
So if you have an hour and a half to spare, and don't value your time on Earth at all, then you can run through it a second time. But me, I'd rather huff the anal exhaust from an elephant.
PA: "The self-destruct sequence has been activated. Repeat: The self-destruct sequence has been activated. This sequence may not be aborted. All employees, proceed to the emergency..."
Nerd: Oh no... Oh, those assholes must have triggered my neighbors' self-destruct system. I gotta get out of here before everything explodes!!
PA: "Five minutes until detonation."
(He leaves his room, going out into one of the RE1 areas. He shoots a zombie, runs through a corridor reading "WEST AREA", and into an elevator. He goes up to the helipad. Suddenly, something bursts through the pavement, sending hunks of gravel flying. A Tyrant has followed the Nerd here... He utters a roar and runs toward the Nerd, who shoots at it ineffectually. The Nerd then looks at the camera and shrugs as if to say "Well, I'm fucked.")
Board James: Hey, Nerd! Take this!
(The figure, wearing a familiar cap, throws the Nerd a Super Scope.)
Nerd: (whispering) Board James...?
(The figure leaves. The Nerd crouches down to pick up the Super Scope - fade to inventory screen. "Will you take the S. Scope?")
Nerd: YES, I WANNA TO FUCKIN' TAKE IT!
("OK Jeez... you've taken the S. Scope.")
Nerd: Lights out, bitch!!!
(He fires at the Tyrant. The fireball is then seen flying at the Tyrant through three different camera angles before it actually hits the Tyrant square in the chest. It explodes into small chunks.)
(A helicopter flies off over a cloudy sky. A view is seen of the Mansion complex below, which after a few seconds bursts into a red-hot ball of flame. We then see the mushroom of the explosion along with the helicopter flying away. It switches to a view inside the helicopter. Chris is looking to his right as Jill sleeps with her head resting on his shoulder.)
Nerd: Oh, good, you made it out too. Well, thanks for destroyin' my FUCKIN' HOUSE!! ...You fucks.