The Nerd: Before there was Rambo and the Terminator, there was Dirty Harry, which made Clint Eastwood into one of the original Badass action stars from the modern era. Now, of course because the movie was rated R, it got made into an NES game. And while the movie was Dirty Harry, the game was straight-up filthy. Now there existed five Dirty Harry movies, so the game doesn't follow any specific one of the story lines. It kind of invents its own. The title screen opens with the classic line from Sudden Impact.
Clint Eastwood voices on the video game: Go ahead, make my day.
The Nerd: And that does make my day because it sounds pretty good. Too bad everything after that goes downhill. It's like cutting the brake lines on a dump truck, and then it crashes into a sewage treatment plant, but the dump truck was actually full of shit to begin with. (Sound effect of shit with horrible video games on the dump truck)
The Nerd: Uh, just listen to that music. Sounds like someone was beat to death with a synthesizer. It's a symphony of electronic farts. When you press start, you'll be given the option of starting from the beginning or entering a password, specifically for level 2 or 3. There's only three levels... Well, that's good! (Chuckles) How bad could this be? (Chuckles) Stupid question.
The Nerd: Start the game and you're immediately ganged up on by two assholes, while another asshole rains Molotov cocktails down on you. Though, I do like the little pose Harry does when he gets hit. That's great. Looks like something Elvis would do. (The Nerd impersonates Elvis)
The Nerd: When you beat them up two more guys come out. Geez, is there any city with this much crime? The whole city is trying to murder a police officer in broad daylight? I can't even get past the first screen without losing a life. Oh, maybe because you have to hit A and B together to jump because why make the controls easy to use, I mean if you're gonna have diarrhea you might as well splatter the toilet seat while you're at it. I walk in these buildings and there's snakes all over just slithering it up. Oh! Geez, Alice Cooper left his damn snakes all over the place. Why there's snakes in the apartments anyway? I mean sure the main villain in the game is named Anaconda, but why do they have to take it so literal? It's not like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat actually throws scorpions at people. Oh, c-come on, I'm a cop not animal control, there's also rooms with laser floors and this big bastard, if you get close he punches you straight across the room. And bullets bounce right off him. So tons of snakes, psychotic citizens and a giant bulletproof enemy, like, what the fuck is wrong with this place?
The Nerd: All right. Well, I don't know what I'm doing. So let's check the manual. Okay, you can kick by pressing Up and B, which also opens the crates. That makes sense I guess, you can also use crowbars to break into closed apartments, but be careful because they can only be used once. Who ever heard of disposable crowbars? Are they actually made of Crows? (The crow is cawing on the disposable trash made with crowbars)
The Nerd: And by the way, the health power-ups are Chili dogs. (Sonic nods and appears on the Dirty Harry game) Who's he think he is Sonic the Hedgehog?
The Nerd: You can also jump on the small boxes on the floor to find ammo, money, bombs and bags of cocaine.... Dude... It's an NES game where you're collecting bags of cocaine! Sure it happened in Narc, but that whole game was like an anti-drug statement. Here, you're just collecting cocaine! Finally after stomping and kicking everything in sight, you pick up a flashlight which allows you to see in the sewers later in the game. I also ran into this guy who doesn't do anything, he just flips a coin. I tried shooting him, I tried kicking, I tried punching him, but guess what? You have to jump right on him and then you get his clothes. What? You never jumped on a complete stranger and instantly switched clothes with them?
(In the Saturday Night Fever image it turned into a Clint Eastwood face)
The Nerd: So now Dirty Harry turns into John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. Oh and on the back of the game, they have the screenshots for both the Travolta and Elvis poses, because they knew it was awesome. Oh and the giant guy, I guess you can walk past him now because you're wearing a disguise. Then there's this lady who gives you some extra lives. That's great and all, but there's no reason to come in here other than that. Why go through all that if it's not gonna progress the story? And who cares about the extra lives because soon, I die anyway. This game is yet another one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything. Well, luckily. There's an infinite lives code. Yeah, it's cheap, but fuck it. So the password to get infinite lives is.. "Clyde", Clyde is the orangutan from another Clint Eastwood film, Every Which Way But Loose. So I guess the developers were big Clint Eastwood fans, but a better way to honor him, would have been to make a game that doesn't suck ass!
The Nerd: So anyway, the infinite lives should make the game easier, but it doesn't. Look at how agile Harry is, I mean he could be in the Olympics. He jumps 10 foot gaps from ladders and hops along rooftops. Imagine Clint Eastwood moving like that in real life.
(Image of Eastwood jumps with a gun from the truck in the background)
The Nerd: After smashing everyone's apartment again and parkouring through most of San Francisco. I hit the first sewer section. It's filled with rats, roaches and remote-control cars, a little reference to the fifth film: The Dead Pool. The sewer has a real electrical problem, too. Because there's open wires that will fry Harry if he touches them You run around like a rat in a maze, hitting switches and looking for a way out. It's tedious as hell and takes forever, (Clip from the sewers with horrible video games in the sewer) but then again all horrible games need to have sewers because that's where they belong.
The Nerd: Ok, we're finally here we get to fight the boss. The boss is easy. Just keep shooting and dodging his shots until he dies. W-Wait? It's not it? There's still more? (The Nerd drops the controller, puts a pillow on the face, and screams) WAAAARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
The Nerd: So that was only a mini-boss, I've been on this level for almost half an hour and it's still going, you can beat other games in that time. So you shimmy across electric wires, go into an alley and boom another boss fight. He's also easy just get to the roof and shoot him. And yeah, of course, there's still more. Go into the building, find the gas mask which lets you go into the poisonous gas rooms. So let's check out what's in here... Huh, nothing good. W-What? How do I get out? I'm stuck?! There's no way out?! Oh, you got to be shitting me. This right here, is one of the most notorious "Fuck Yous" I've ever seen. The Dreaded "HA-HA-HA" room. It's literally a dead end. The only option you have is to reset the game.
The Nerd: Okay, get the flashlight, jump through the alleys, get through the shit-stenched sewers, fight the bomb guy, fight the gun guy, get the gas mask, avoid the HA-HA room and finally make it to the final sewer. And this one's red for some reason. Guess like it's taking you to hell. (Image of a Hotel Satan with James Carrey in the Dead Pool) Alright, so I get to this door and for whatever reason I can't open it, did the game glitch? Oh, and I can't go back, because this other room is filled with water. And also I can't jump to the platform from the pipe. This game does not want me to beat it. And just to remind you. This whole thing is only the first level!
The Nerd: I am NOT playing level 1 again. So let's check out some passwords. "Misty" gets you to level 2 and "Bird" gets you level 3. So apparently they're both obscure Clint Eastwood references. "Misty" is a reference to the film, Play Misty for Me and "Bird" is a biopic that Eastwood directed about a jazz saxophone player. What, is this Dirty Harry the game or is it Clint Eastwood the game? (Image of a high aged-Clint Eastwood picture on the Dirty Harry box art)
The Nerd: So anyway, level 2 starts and it's just a normal linear stage. No rooms, no alleys, no dead ends? Why wasn't the first stage like this? It's not great, but it's at least a normal side-scrolling level. This part here is actually kind of cool, you kick a barrel into the water and shoot it to kill the guy, that's pretty neat. But of course, there's this whole platform jumping portion. Because, why not push these broken control to the absolute test? Once again, I'm stuck. I can't figure out how to get across. I think I have to jump on the box, but fuck it. My patience is dead from level 1. So, let's try level 3: "Bird".
The Nerd: So Harry takes a boat, which I assume happened in the second level. According to the manual the last level's on Alcatraz, which is a reference to the third movie: The Enforcer. It's another linear level, but this time they brought out the big guns, literally. Everyone's shooting at you and it's damn near impossible. How is anyone supposed to play this? This game was made in 1990, for kids. Why make a twenty-year-old, R-rated movie into a video game? Why make a dead end room? Why reference a bunch of other Clint Eastwood movies as passwords?
The Nerd: Not to mention, There's a fourth password: "Gunny." It's Eastwood's character from Heartbreak Ridge and guess what it does? Nothing. Supposedly, the password exists. However, it wasn't programmed to activate any part of the game. Such a missed opportunity, not just the "Gunny" password, the whole fucking game. Imagine what this game could have been? A level like Hogan's Alley where you shoot bad guys, a car-chase level through the hilly streets of San Francisco, even a motorcycle level like from the movie: Magnum Force. Hell, there's even an unused motorcycle sprite in the game code.
The Nerd: So then you reach Mt. Shitty Caca, which is basically just a mountain of pixelated piss and shit. What am I supposed to do here? I don't know what I'm jumping on? I-I don't know what's going on? I-I've made it as far as I can go. I'm sorry, but a man's got to know his limitations.
The Nerd: I'm shit out of patience. And this game is shit out of luck.
(The Nerd takes out a gun and attempts to shoot out the Dirty Harry game cartridge flying by and it falls through the floor with the NES Zapper towards it)
The Nerd (as a Harry-like voice): I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya... PUNK?
(The game attempts to bring the Zapper in but then the Nerd shoots the game cartridge and blood is all over the floor as the episode ends)