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Wrestling_Games_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(Episode_149)

Wrestling Games - Angry Video Game Nerd (Episode 149)

(The theme song plays, sung in the tune of "Real American" by Rick Derringer while clips play in the background of the Nerd beating up Bugs Bunny, a Klingon and the Joker. The Nerd is also dressed as a wrestler and drinks beer in the style of Stone Cold Steve Austin.)

The Nerd: Man, in the 80s and 90s, there was nothin' bigger than pro wrestling. It was as close as you can get to watching real-life superheroes fight it out for our entertainment. I know it's fake or choreographed or whatever, but how do you fake landin' on somebody with 300 pounds of man ass?! They were just flyin' through the air, and just, smashed each other with steel chairs and all that shit! It was like watching an action movie happen live on TV! And of course, anything that's popular gets made into video games, and you're probably wondering, "Are these games complete shit?" Yeah, a lot of 'em are, but it's the kind of shit you couldn't even imagine. Like, I'm talkin' day after bingin' on buffalo wings and beer shit. The kind of shit that never wipes...(Shakes his head) never wipes... ever.

Tag Team Wrestling (NES)[]

The Nerd: First up, Tag Team Wrestling on NES. This game came out the same year as Pro Wrestling... which is a decent game so it gets spared. Anyway, Tag Team Wrestling starts right up, with no character selection or anything. You play as some long-haired guy with the stubbiest punch possible. The A button punches but the B button does absolutely dick as far as I can tell. You run around mashing the A button hoping your deformed stump hits the other guy, and then you both run into the ropes and hope for the best. I seriously have no idea what the hell I'm doin' in this. Whenever the bad guys put me in a hold or try to slam me, a guy, who I'm guessing is my tag partner, comes out of the corner and does absolutely nothing. I don't know if he's automatic or what, but no matter how much I beat on these guys, they always seem to kick my ass and pin me. (Cut to a victory screen with "Winner is Strong Bads") Winner is Strong Bads. At first it sounds like a hilarious typo, but actually Strong Bads is the name of one of the teams in the game. But what I think it really means, is that this game is STRONGLY BAD!

WWF WrestleMania (NES)[]

The Nerd: Next up, we got the real deal. WWF WrestleMania, the first licensed WWF game for the NES. Turn it on and you get a nice view of the Acclaim logo and someone's drunk sunburned grandpa tearing off his shirt while screaming. (pretends to scream)

The Nerd: I know it's Hulk Hogan, but come on, is this the best they can make the Hulkster look?! He looks ridiculous!

The Nerd: Bigger, Better, Badder. Well, which is it? (zooms in on "Badder") I'll give you one fuckin' guess. From the start, there's two modes: Standard and Tournament. Standard is single one-on-one matches, while Tournament mode is like your basic arcade ladder mode. Choose a wrestler, choose an opponent, and then run around the ring like an asshole for a few minutes swingin' at nothin'. When health gets low, the game starts throwin' power-ups. But you're only able to collect the power-ups specific to your wrestler. Million Dollar Man has dollar signs, André the Giant has what looks like big-ass hams, and Hulk Hogan gets... crosses? Who the fuck does he think he is, Simon Belmont? I guess it's because Hulk always said to "say your prayers and eat your vitamins," but, it's still kinda weird.

The Nerd: Maybe Nintendo and WWF thought it'd be kinda weird if kids saw... wrestlers... takin' pills in the game? They thought, maybe steroids or somethin'? I-I don't know, but, the thing that pisses me off is that I can't figure out how to pin anybody. I hit every goddamn button possible, and there's only two of 'em. Million Dollar Man's just lyin' there with his gut in the air and all Hulk does is dance around like a jackass. Eventually I pin the guy, but fuck if I know how. I guess I just happened to hit the magic combination of buttons.

The Nerd: (Sighs) I-I'm sorry, I can't play this one anymore. I know it's supposed to be a classic. But back then we didn't know any better! We didn't have any other options! Oh, but that's not the end of it, because, there's a lot more WWF wrestling games on the NES, and... oh my God, I wonder who published them?

(The Nerd looks at WWF WrestleMania Challenge and sees the LJN logo. He recoils as if he was punched by a wrestler. He sees the LJN logo on WWF WrestleMania Steel Cage Challenge and recoils even stronger. He sees the LJN logo on WWF King of the Ring and falls back against his couch. Then he puts WWF WrestleMania Challenge in his NES.)

LJN Wrestling Games on NES[]

The Nerd: WrestleMania was bad. But I gotta say, LJN really turns up the diarrhea dial on the WWF suckery. WrestleMania Challenge plays at an isometric view, which does not translate well to the NES controller. If you were runnin' around like an idiot in the original WrestleMania, get ready! Tryin' to hit a guy here, is like tryin' to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while André the Giant farts directly into your nostrils.

The Nerd: Steel Cage Challenge, well, it has a steel cage mode... if you like glimpsing the wrestlers through the cage. Get the cage out of the way; I can't see anything!

The Nerd: And in King of the Ring, you can literally hit one button over and over, and beat the guy! Just kick him to the ground and repeatedly stomp his dick, then pin him for the slowest three count in history. (The Nerd pins his opponent and waits for the game to finish the three count.)

The Nerd: (Sighs) How long am I gonna be cursed to walk this Earth, and play LJN games? When are they gonna run out? You know how I feel about these wastes of plastic and circuitry, but guess what? They made WWF games for the Super Nintendo too.

LJN Wrestling Games on SNES[]

The Nerd: Super WrestleMania, LJN. Royal Rumble, LJN! Raw, LJN!

The Nerd: It doesn't matter if it's 8-bit or 16-bit, I still have no idea what I'm doing. I hit every button and mash them as fast as I can, but the computer always ends up beating me. The sound is shit, the graphics are boring as fuck. The only real difference between these shitfests is the roster. These games were all about the grappling, so you hold on to them and tap the buttons like crazy, 'til you throw 'em into some special move. That's what these were all about. They're exactly what you'd expect from LJN, and Vince McMahon should be ashamed of himself for whoring out his product to such inept game designers.

The Nerd: (Groans) Ugh, these games are an insult to wrestlers, they're an insult to wrestling fans, and they're an insult to gamers in general. However, thankfully, there is a WWF game on the Super Nintendo that's not made by LJN. WrestleMania: The Arcade Game by Midway/Acclaim.

WrestleMania: The Arcade Game (SNES)[]

The Nerd: This game definitely has a different feel than the others. As a matter of fact, it's kinda fun. It goes with the digitized graphics that Midway games were famous for back then. Sure, it's got its problems, but the control's pretty fluid and doesn't take itself too seriously. It plays pretty close to Mortal Kombat with strong and weak punch and all that. There's even crazy special attacks like The Undertaker shooting out ghosts and slamming you with gravestones. This feels like... a game! It's still fairly difficult, especially when you play for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. In that mode, you fight two guys at a time, and it's cheap. The computer just gangs up and beats the fuck outta you until you're dead. This mode sucks, but not worse than the other games I've played. If you want somethin' more like a regular game, stick to the Intercontinental Championship. That's fun to say three times fast. The game is over the top, and feels like a cross between Mortal Kombat and NBA Jam. Also, it has Vince McMahon himself doing the commentary. There is one problem with the game, that it has a weak roster, with only six different characters, and none that I really care for that much, except for The Undertaker. I mean, there's Bret Hart too, but, come on, who wants to play as Lex Luger or Doink?

The Nerd: Surprisingly, the Genesis version has more characters, adding Bam Bam Bigelow and Yokozuna, but the graphics and sound aren't as good as the Super Nintendo version. But if ya have to pick up a WWF game, I'd recommend this one on either system. It even came out on 32X, if you're into that heap of shit.

The Nerd: Well, it's nice to play somethin' decent for once. But now I'm gonna fuck that up, kinda like puttin' on a new pair of underwear and then takin' a shit in it right away. This is Super Brawl. It's WCW, so it's a little change of pace, maybe a little different. Also, it's not LJN, so maybe it won't be that bad?

WCW SuperBrawl Wrestling (SNES)[]

Tony Schiavone (announcer in-game): Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Nerd: Well, the sound is pretty good. Clear voice sample, nice colorful logo. We're off to an alright start. (The video zooms in on the image of the two wrestlers on the title screen. Due to the colors, one of them looks like he is naked.) (Whispering) What the fuck?

The Nerd: Okay, I get it. He's wearing shorts that are the same color as his skin, for some reason, like he's wearin' yellow shorts, but they made all his skin yellow, which makes no sense but... it looks like he's fuckin' naked! It's totally like he's naked, look! He looks like a naked, dickless, mannequin man with invisible knees.

The Nerd: Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?! They just shout random slogans at me, and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like their shit caked up their ass?! (Grunts) UGH! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the SNES and starts ranting)

The Nerd: Lemme tell ya somethin', brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fuckin', jet plane-suckin', diarrhea-drinkin', asshole-stinkin' Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line, because the fuckin' Nerd said so!

(The Nerd throws the cartridge away and it appears in a wrestling ring, human-sized and with legs and arms. The crowd boos the cartridge. The Nerd challenges the cartridge to a wrestling match. They run towards each other and the Nerd clotheslines the cartridge, knocking it down. Then he pins it and wins a three count. He celebrates for a few seconds, but is suddenly interrupted by a new challenger - Saturday Night SlamMasters. The new cartridge jumps off the turnbuckle and lands into the Nerd's SNES.)

Saturday Night SlamMasters (SNES)[]

The Nerd: (Nods in approval) Okay. Alright, well this one's on the right track. The controls are simple. Y attacks, B jumps, and A pins. It's got balls-to-the-wall, bone-crunching, high-flying action, all the stuff you'd want in a wrestling game, and it's made by the king of fighting games, Capcom. Not to mention, it features Mayor Mike Haggar from Final Fight as a playable character. I need a lot of practice with this game, but it looks and sounds great, with that distinct Capcom feel.

The Nerd: Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom, instead of giving SIX of 'em to one of the worst video game companies in existence?? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys too! And those fuckin' sucked also!

(The Nerd groans in frustration as he stands up. He continues ranting while the WCW Super Brawl cartridge sneaks up on him with a steel chair in the background.)

The Nerd: What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts, then WWF must've stood for... Wisecrackin' Wiener Fuckfarts!

(The WCW Super Brawl cartridge hits the Nerd with the chair, knocking him down. The crowd boos while the cartridge celebrates.)

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