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Star Wars Masters of Teras Kasi (PS1) Angry Video Game Nerd Episode 154

The Nerd: Star Wars video games come in almost every genre. First-person shooters, 2D platformers, 3D platformers, first-person shooters mixed with 3D platforming, action-adventure, racing, flight simulators, even vehicular combat. However, one genre seems to be almost non-existent: fighting games.

The Nerd: It's a no-brainer. Star Wars has such a huge cast of characters that can make an awesome fighting game like Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter. So, where are they? Well, I found a few. Some games featured fighting modes as a bonus. On the Wii, there was Star Wars Lightsaber Battles [the actual name of the game is Star Wars: The Clone Wars – Lightsaber Duels], which was a one-on-one fighter, but that came out in 2008, which was much later than the fighting game craze. Yoda and Darth Vader were also playable characters in Soulcalibur, which makes no sense. But we're talkin' real fighters. Why didn't Star Wars do that?

The Nerd: The answer is, they did... and they fucked it up. Star Wars: Master of Teräs-Ters-Käs-Ter, Tetris Crazy? T-Teräs Käsai? Why not just call it Star Wars: Tournament Fighter? It worked for Ninja Turtles... and Full House. That was a good one. So, the game starts in usual Star Wars fashion with the text crawling in space. Wait, "A Master of Teräs Käsi"? I thought the game was called Masters of Teräs Käsi. Not even the game can say it's own title. "After the stunning defeat and the loss of the Death Star handed to the Galactic Empire, the Emperor demands drastic measures for a swift retribution against the Rebel Alliance. The Emperor calls upon the services of a mysterious young woman, Arden Lyn, wise in the ways of an ancient and almost forgotten fighting art known as teräs käsi."

The Nerd: Okay, so what is teräs käsi? It's got to be one of those expanded universe type of things. So what do we do when we need to look up something in Star Wars? The Star Wars Encyclopedia.

(The Nerd gets up from the couch and takes out Star Wars Encyclopedia from a shelf.)

The Nerd: What?? Jizz?? "A popular style of freeform wailing music." Jizz. Yeah. There is jizz in this book. (turns page) Huh?? Jizz-wailer?? "A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music." Jizz-wailer. It's in Star Wars! Anyway, "Teräs käsi: a form of hand-to-hand combat, roughly translated into 'steel hands' that is taught in the Pacanth Reach." So, let me get this straight. The Death Star blows up, and the Emperor's back-up plan... is to replace a space station with enough firepower to destroy a planet, with someone who can fight with their bare hands. Sorry, steel hands, which is basically the same idea as Tekken, which means "iron fist" in Japan. All right, I guess I'll pick Arden Lyn since she's the only one I know who's a master of teräs käsi. All right, get ready to eat my fists! (Han Solo shoots at Arden.)

The Nerd: What? I thought this was gonna be hand-to-hand combat! What's this Bantha shit? Luke has his lightsaber, Han has a gun, Leia has a stick thing. They all have fucking weapons, except Arden Lyn! I don't get it. What's the point of wanting to be a master of steel fists if everyone's just gonna use blasters and shit. It makes no sense. Also, how are half of these supposed to go up against a lightsaber? Oh, never mind. The lightsabers in this game are useless. They're more like light batons. They don't cut through shit. Could you imagine if lightsabers were this ineffective in the movies?

The Nerd: Picture Chewbacca running around the Death Star and then he bumps into Darth Vader. Vader ignites his lightsaber and goes for the killing blow but then it bounces off of him like a Wiffle ball bat. So long, Vader.

(Chewbacca twists Vader's helmet and rips the head off. The mask explodes to revel a face underneath.)

The Nerd: Let's see if the ancient fighting style of teräs käsi can help me. Let's try some of these moves. We'll start with the teräs käsi chain starter. Forward, forward, circle, triangle, square, triangle. (Arden gets beat up by Leia.) What the fuck? It's not working! You gotta be shitting me. The odds of pulling off a special move are 3,720 to 1, but the computer will do it every single time. Fuck this, I'm trying a new character.

The Nerd: Okay, we have the usual cast of characters here. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewy, there's even a Gamorrean guard named Thok. That's a stupid name. Oh, look, a Tusken Raider. Wonder what this guy's name is? Hoar? Hoar? Really, Hoar? Suddenly names like Jar Jar Binks and Plo Koon sound awesome. Fucking Hoar. I can come up with a better character. How about an eye Thorian with a chainsaw named Fuchs.

The Nerd: What more can I say about this game? It's awful. The premise is dumb, the controls are slow and rarely work. The characters aren't balanced at all. Some are way stronger than others. Half the time, I win because my enemy accidentally rolls off the stage. I swear, I get more victories with ringouts than I do anything else. I can see why Star Wars doesn't bother with fighting games. Their first outing was an embarrassment. The combo system barely works and if you really try at it you get the käsi kicked out of your ter-ass. I still think the idea of a Star Wars fighting game could have been great, but too bad they were just jerking off! Masters of Teräs Käsi. More like Masturbators of Teräs Käsi.

The Nerd: So, after a lot of button mashing, luck, and hatred for myself, I get to the final boss, Darth Vader. And let me tell you, this motherfucker makes Shang Tsung and M. Bison look like pussies. His moves are overpowered and he just fucks you up. Oh, but we can't end this way. I gotta win. To beat Darth Vader, I have to take some extreme measures. I have to go back to the past.

(The Nerd picks up the Nintendo 64 controller and places Star Wars Episode I: Racer into the console. He chooses Anakin Skywalker and crashes Anakin's vehicle.)

Anakin Skywalker: Yippee!

The Nerd: How do you like that shit, Anakin? Die! Die!

(Anakin crashes and Darth Vader disappears.)

Announcer: You win!

The Nerd: I know that's cheap, but so is this Masters of Teräs Käsi game. You know, it can't get any worse than that.

(A glass window breaks.)

The Nerd: Oh, a package from Disney and LucasFilm.

(The Nerd the envelope to reveal Masters of Teräs Käsi: Special Edition.)

The Nerd: A Special Edition? What did they change? They pointlessly shoved characters from later movies into the game. Now you can play as Kylo Ren and BB-8. They made changes to the locations too. Now, when you play on Tatooine the ring is surrounded by Banthas. On Hoth, a Wampa takes up the whole screen and roars while you're trying to fight. Remember fighting in the rancor pit? Well, now half the screen is cut off so you can see the Max Rebo Band playing in the palace.

The Nerd: Huh, That's weird. I'm trying to play as Han Solo, but it isn't letting me do any attacks. Oh, I get it. Now, when you play as Han you can only defend yourself after getting hit first. Now, every explosion in the game has an added shockwave. Before, when you unlock the Storm Trooper, he was just called Storm Trooper. Now he has a full name. Davin Felth. They changed Boba Fett's voice to the actor who played Jango Fett.

Jango Fett: Oy, crikey!

The Nerd: And at last, when Darth Vader falls out of the ring he makes a sound.

Darth Vader: NO!

The Nerd: Yeah, well, if they actually made that game it would be better than the real version. The real version, it's so bad, it tainted the legacy of LucasArts, and it tainted my soul!

(The Nerd picks up the Masters of Teräs Käsi game, pulls out a lightsaber and attempts to destroy the game, but it bounces off just like in the game.)

The Nerd: What? What? Why is it just bouncing off?

(The Nerd looks at the label on the lightsaber, which reads Official Masters of Teräs Käsi Lightsaber. The Nerd is shocked. He groans, and then rolls his eyes and turns his head away.)