MissFushi: (with white text on the screen) Previously on the Angry Video Game Nerd.
(Scene from end of first Sonic '06 episode with the Nerd whipping the game in the dungeon)
The Nerd: Take it, you fucking game! (grunts) (explosion)
(The Nerd rides a motorcycle to rock music, jumping over school buses.)
The Nerd: (Yells)
(Explosions surround the Nerd, and the scene cuts to the Nerd on a beach dressed as a captain.)
The Nerd: It's a boy? (Volcano erupts) I'll call you back! (explosion)
(Cut to the Nerd in the Nerd room. A high-pitched beep sounds and dynamite is tossed to the Nerd. The beep rapidly speeds up as the Nerd tosses the dynamite away before it explodes.)
The Nerd: I gave you the money. Now give me back my son! You fuck. (explosion) (In a robot voice) Resistance is futile. (explosion)
MissFushi: (White text) And now the conclusion.
The Nerd: (putting Sonic 06 back in the Xbox) Sonic '06 was the game everybody and their grandma wanted me to review. So I did, but there's more to it! (Holds up whip-scarred Sonic '06 package) I only half-assed it, so why not go whole-ass? Which is the opposite of ass-hole. The torture continues, but the torture is all mine.
The Nerd: So first off, I figured out how to beat Silver and kick the shit out of him. Once you learn his pattern, he's pretty easy. Just wait for him to try to launch the furniture at you, and homing-fuck him in the face until he's dead. Finally we get to the cutscene. Silver Shithog throws Sonic back as he makes a stupid face and hits a wall. Oh, and of course the Princess gets kidnapped again only seconds after saving her. If she's gonna get captured again, I might as well let Eggman keep her so I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit!
The Nerd: Now Sonic has to go fight Eggman at his base, the White A-crap-olis. So now I run aimlessly once again, until I finally hit that magic area that lets me progress in the story. There's no clear designation of where to go! I swear, the game just wants you to run around aimlessly, until it decides you can progress!
The Nerd: I hate this goddamn town. The droning music and robotic people freak the shit out of me. I mean, look at this! Why are there no guardrails? If Sonic falls, he dies! (Sonic falls in the water and dies.) What happens if a normal person falls in there? That's unsafe, god damn it! And right here, if Sonic stands on the curb a certain way, (screen shakes) he splits reality into two alternate dimensions existing in the same space and time.
The Nerd: The visuals in this game give me a headache. Every time Sonic runs up or down a curb, the screen jitters! And it's not subtle either. The camera jerks down or up.
The Nerd: So anyway, once you find a portal to the lev- er, ACT Mission, you're treated to a totally rad snowboard level, with some of the worst controls imaginable. Leave it to this game to make a snowboarding level suck! This should be one of the high points in the game, but of course it's a warm, frothy mug of chocolate shit-shake. Half the time I can't go anywhere, or I go in the completely wrong direction!
The Nerd: Beat the ACT Mission, and Dr. Robo- Eggman sends you into the future. You get another cutscene, and Shadow the Hedgehog tells you that on August 29, 1997, Eggman creates Skynet, and the world nukes itself, giving way for the machine war, unless Tails gives birth to John Connor! (Scenes from Terminator 2)
The Nerd: Nah, that doesn't happen, but basically it's a machine war and time travel. Why do you need that in a Sonic game? Whatever happened to just saving animals from becoming robots? (Sonic saving captured Animals in Sonic the Hedgehog 2) Telekinesis, time travel, treasure hunting, bat tits, human princess and hedgehog romance. This game just feels like it was never meant to be a Sonic game.
The Nerd: I'm sorry to repeat myself, but sweet mercy, these loading screens are fucking shit! And what's worse is after it loads, you're still playing Sonic '06. Between the levels taking forever and the sheer amount of loading screens you see, the game is just stealing your life away. (End-of-level status screen showing almost 14 minutes of time elapsed.)
The Nerd: You're stuck playing the game, but time is moving on, people are getting older, friends come and go, new music is starting to sound like shit to you. I see two squirrels fuckin' outside my basement window- oh, now there's a new baby squirrel already! I could have spent all this time watching that documentary about left-handed mattress makers, and you could have had a better hobby, like running around the woods sniffing wolves' assholes! Could you imaging, getting close enough to a wolf! To sniff! Its asshole! Let's play the fuckin' game.
The Nerd: Every level from here on out gets more and more frustrating. The platform jumping in the lava level is some of the worst! I like how when Sonic dies, he just casually lays down ON the lava! (Close-up of Sonic laying in the lava)
The Nerd: (laying in lava) All this Sonic '06 has got me beat. (Flames appear on the Nerd)
The Nerd: Next you fight Eye-blis, or Iblis, the prickly lava dick from hell. He's easy, but you'll be fighting the camera just as much. Hit him a few times, loading screen, cutscene, rinse and repeat.
The Nerd: So once again we're back here (in town), running around for another half an hour! (Guitar riff) Radical Train, dude! Yeah! And what exactly makes this train so radical? I don't fuckin' know, it looks like a regular train. Next time I have to travel, I'm gonna take the Radical Train. (Cut to the Nerd on the Crazy Train from Streets of Rage) On second thought, I should have carpooled. (Exclaims)
The Nerd: Beat the rest of the level, and you once again save the Princess, only to have her immediately stolen back by Eggman, and then saved again by Sonic within a matter of minutes! Next, on to another cutscene, filled with awkward sexual tension between a cartoon hedgehog and a human princess. And look, Sonic even gives her the bedroom eyes. (Sultry jazz music) Ugh, twenty loading screens and another creepy cutscene late, and guess what. The Princess gets captured. AGAIN! This time she just turns herself over to Eggman! A big fuck-you to all your hard work!
The Nerd: So now you play as Tails for some reason, which is annoying. He's slower than shit comin' out of a sloth, and the sound of his tails spinning is maddening! Seriously, listen to this sound repeatedly for a half-hour! (Tails grunts) (Whooshing) (Whooshing gets louder)
The Nerd: (Screams)
The Nerd: Now we're on to the real motherest of fucks. We're nearing the end of the game, but these last two levels are worse than anything up to this point. It starts with three trials to make it to the ancient castle. The first is the Trial of Knowledge. "This will test your mind", more like it'll test my fuckin' patience. The whole point is to take the correct portals to get to the end. Nothing but trial and error, just keep picking different portals until you get out. It sucks.
The Nerd: The Trial of Courage is next, and it's a real heap of hog waste. This is definitely the worst of the three trials, because you have to beat a bunch of enemies, without any rings! Make one mistake, and you're dead.
The Nerd: Last is the Trial of Love? Pick either Amy or the Princess, it makes no difference either way.
The Nerd: After the final trial, you get to ride an eagle up to the next level, as it shits mid-flight! Get ready for this, you better buckle up your shit belt, because this game is about to get turned up to eleven on the dick-turd scale. This level takes forever, and if you get a Game Over, you have to do all these trials again! This level took me over an hour to beat. For real.
The Nerd: You get to play as Silver in this level, who for some reason doesn't want to kill you anymore. He's okay because he has telekinesis, but he still controls like anal leakage. (Silver falls into water) But you should already expect that!
Eggman: The engines are malfunctioning.
The Nerd: She dies?
The Nerd: So Sonic fails to save her, and then she dies? So-so even when you DO save her, she either gets captured again or turns herself in, or fucking gets obliterated!
The Nerd: So after you watch the Princess get fuckin' destroyed, Sonic and Silver use their Chaos Emeralds to go back in time!
The Nerd: Really, so the could in time, well why not go back in time and kill Eggman when he was a baby? How about go back in time and stop this game from being made?
The Nerd: Anyway, so you run around town, you ring three bells, you open the final level, which is the Aquatic Base. Urgh, all right, here it is, the final ACT Mission. By now you've adjusted yourself to the crap factor, and it's not that the game is any easier, it's just that you know how to approach its shittiness after wasting hours of your life!
The Nerd: That is, until I reach by far the most son-of-a-bitchiness obstacle in the entire game, the giant steel ball! The thing flies all over the damn place with just a slight touch of the joystick! If the ball touches the laser, you fall to your death! (Sonic dies) I'm losing all my fuckin' lives here! (Sonic dies again) Fuck! Fuck!
The Nerd: All right, we're almost done, we're almost done, just-just focus, just focus, we're almost done. We're almost done! Phew! (Sonic fights a robot. The camera shows a close-up of the Nerd furiously clicking the triggers with his middle fingers. Sonic wins and the door opens.)
The Nerd: Yeah! I'm almost there! I can feel it! I reach this room which looks like a goddamn Virtual Boy game, except you'd actually rather play the Virtual Boy than this garbage! Run through the windows, kill the remaining robots, and you reach the end of the stage!
The Nerd: So after three more cutscenes and three more loading screens, it's time! The final showdown between you and Eggman. The fight is frustrating as all hell. Every time he attacks, the camera moves, which changes the control directions. If you're not ready for it, you can fly off the platform. (Sonic flies off the platform and dies.) The only way to attack is to wait for him to fly at you, then grab on to the horn and crash him into falling bombs. After you get three hits, his canopy opens and you can attack him by homing into his face.
The Nerd: All right, here we go, I got 'em. Final shot! Here we go! Ah! (Loading screen) Damn, if that isn't the sweetest loading screen ever. That's right. Gimme that motherfuckin' S-rank.
The Nerd: So on to the final cutscene. Sonic carries the Princess out of the flaming wreckage of Eggman's ship, the two share another sappy moment, and then like a vision of true beauty, the ending credits.
The Nerd: Ah, thank god! Sonic '06 is over! (Exclaims) I can move on with my life! Except, there's a bunch of extra side episodes that are essential to the plot! (Groans) Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!
The Nerd: Beat these episodes, and you get the final one, which is the most frustrating. (Scene with Sonic dying) First off, Sonic dies. Yep, Sonic dies! So everyone has to scramble to get the seven Dragon Balls- I mean, Chaos Emeralds to save his life. If you have the patience, you can collect them all and put this shit to rest. The Princess uses the Emeralds to wake up Sonic and, and-and, uh, what? (Princess Elise kisses Sonic. The Nerd is shocked.)
The Nerd: Wow! Can't say I've ever seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
(Sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.)
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! (Shouting) Ah! Yeah, yeah! (Exclaims) Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! (Shouts) Yeah! (Exclaims and shouts)
James D. Rolfe: Just a heads up for fans of physical media who want to collect Angry Video Game Nerd episodes on Blu-Ray. We now have four volumes on Blu-Ray containing 147 episodes up to GameBoy Accessories. Volume 1, known as AVGN X, crams in the first 100 episodes plus bonus features on two discs. X2 continues where it left off with episodes 101 to 114 plus bonus features on two discs. The episodes are fewer because that's when they start shooting in HD so they're presented in their full quality. X3 contains episodes 115 to 140 plus bonus features on two discs. Volume 4, Ready 4 Revenge, is brand new with episodes 141 to 147 plus new bonus features on one disc. Also there's AVGN: the Movie on Blu-Ray and surround sounds with over 10 hours of bonus features, all on one disc, which I had no idea was even possible. There's also James & Mike Mondays on Blu-Ray with 20 select episodes on one disc, and Board James: The Complete Series on Blu-Ray plus bonus features on one disc. Also, if you're looking for the DVD format, we still have the first 9 DVD volumes of AVGN, which goes up to episode 139. These are all region-free and shipped worldwide. Go to store.screenwavemedia.com.