(Opening scene with clips from Polybius episode)
The Nerd: Polybius. Polybius. It is probably a fake. 35, 31. Turn the video off right now!
(Green text appears: RoboNerd online. Nerd directives. Directive 1: Play shitty games. Directive 2: Protect the innocent. Directive 3: Beat the shitty games. Directive 4: [Classified] (flashes))
RoboNerd: (lifts eye cover and removes helmet) (mechanically walks to futon) Dead or alive, these games fucking suck, and of course because they're based on a great movie. You know RoboCop. RoboCop, the story of Detroit police officer Alex Murphy, who's brutally executed and revived as a superhuman cyborg. The original RoboCop is an ultra violent sci-fi action film and was fuckin' awesome. It spawned two film sequels and even a shitty television series, so of course there had to be video games, especially on the NES, but with Nintendo it always seemed like they were censoring stuff to make it more family-friendly so how did an R-rated franchise get made into an NES game? Come to think of it, it's amazing that so many R-rated movies got turned into NES games. Rambo, Die Hard, Platoon, Dirty Harry. (Referring to Dirty Harry) Yeah, maybe we'll get to that one another time.
(Places RoboCop for the NES into the Toploader)
RoboNerd: So here we go. Level 1. Nash Street. RoboCop's just walking down the street punching everyone he sees and they all just run straight at 'em. If I saw a giant robot punching everyone in Detroit I get as far away as possible. Oh, and that music. I hope you liked the first 10 seconds of the RoboCop movie theme, because it's all you hear for the entire game. It's kinda like a weird techno remix. So a few seconds into the game you hit your first major obstacle. What is it? Motorcycle men? No. Rabid dogs? No. Purple jump-kicking guys? No. Flying machine guys? No. It's the stairs. These stairs are one of the most frustrating things in the game. It night as well be an enemy.
RoboNerd: Get on those fucking stairs! You have to be in the perfect spot or he just walks past them. Use them fine in the movie. It was ED-209 that had the problem with stairs. Also RoboCop doesn't jump well. At least that means there's no shitty platforming. So after punching and shooting most of Detroit you hit the first boss, a giant red mutant man wearing boots and no pants. You just punch him over and over. Year, punch him! Punch him! Punch him! (Grunts) (Boss dies) Great police work there, Officer Murphy. After you beat the level RoboCop flaps his gums at you. (Imitates lip-flapping) Why does RoboCop look like such an idiot? (RoboCop flaps his lips; RoboNerd does the same)
RoboNerd: In level 2 you have to save the mayor at City Hall. The red mutant man is in this level too but now he's blue and he's just a normal enemy, not a boss. I guess he got a demotion after you kicked his ass. Fight your way upstairs to save the mayor. Just shoot the guy when the mayor ducks. Most of the time you'll end up shooting the mayor not the bad guy and requires perfect timing. After a few hits the boss lets go of the mayor. Shoot him a few more times and he freaks out and flaps around dead. Now on to Clarence Boddicker's drug warehouse. When you finally reach him he just runs away and sends a bunch of enemies to kill you, which are way smaller than everything else in the game.
RoboNerd: Now on to the OCP building. Besides the usual suicidal henchmen you find red spider robots, ceiling lasers, giant farting gas guns and good old Ed 209 and it's like the size of a T-Rex (T-Rex appears). It's huge.
RoboNerd: The junkyard level is a clusterfuck of bad guys. There's dudes everywhere trying to fuck you up. At the end is the final showdown with Clarence. This is so far the most annoying boss in the game. You have to dodge steel beams and Clarence's Cobra gun. But once you beat him, you arrest him? I thought RoboCop stabbed him in the throat. I guess they couldn't put that in an NES game meant for kids.
RoboNerd: Finally on to level 6. You're back at OCP which has a giant conveyor belt from The Jetsons in the beginning. You got to punch your way through barrels and watch out for them flying machine guys all while the ground moves you backwards. And you gotta hurry because there's no power-ups in this level. You gotta rush through the beginning, fight a bunch of robots, fight another giant fart gun, and get to ED-209 as quickly as you can, or you'll run out of time. This part is a frustrating mess, but once it's over, Dick Jones gets fired and you shoot the fuck out of him.
RoboNerd: The credits music is just weird. It sounds like carnival music.
RoboNerd: Is RoboCop going to celebrate at the fucking carnival tonight? Well anyway, the game sucks and I have to do my duty to protect the innocent from shitty games. (Takes RoboCop out of the Toploader, tosses it in the air, and shoots)
RoboNerd: Okay, RoboCop 2. Wait a minute. Why is RoboCop so mad? Oh my god. He's shooting all over the place! How many bullets does that gun have? Man, let me tell you. If you thought RoboCop 1 was frustrating, get ready. RoboCop 2 is an endurance test. From the very start, you'll be struggling against the game's slippery ass controls. It's like someone coated all of Detroit in oil. I guess they took Motor City a bit too literal. In each level, you have to arrest certain bad guys, save hostages, and collect brains. On top of that, you have to destroy 60% of the Nuke. In the movie, Nuke is the name of an addictive drug.
RoboNerd: Nuke is so bad it's like shooting dart frog poison into your dick, only to have a venomous snake suck it out and then shoot it back in to your eyeballs.
RoboNerd: This game barely follows the movie. It's an acid trip. It's a mishmash of colors and ridiculous platform jumping. Most of the enemies and hazards kill RoboCop in only one hit. Thankfully there's infinite continues because otherwise you'll never beat it.
RoboNerd: RoboCop should be blasting drug dealers and robot machines. Slamming into them with his black Ford Taurus. Not making these delicately planned jumps like Mario. One of those assholes. Look at this shit. Everything in the level kills you. There's platforms that move at the speed of light, and you got to make sure to get enough hostages and Nuke, or else you have to repeat it.
RoboNerd: On level 8 you fight Cain and he looks just like in the movie, wearing a top hat and shoot electric eels out a bazooka. After enough shots you get to punch him to death. But make sure not to get hit. Your health drains here automatically, so if you're already damaged, you'll die. After you finally beat Cain it's more platforming. I swear every level is nothing but trial and error. Every time you make it an inch farther something kills you. In this level a weird rocket hits you, drags you through the entire level, and you die. Why not just kill me? You have to make me fly through the whole level too? (RoboCop dies) God damn! This game just fucking hates me.
RoboNerd: Somehow after hours of misery I make it to the final boss. of RoboCop 2. You're always facing forward and you just have to shoot the shit out of him but guess what? You gotta kill him three times. Three fucking times! The first time you just have to shoot him. He has a set pattern though. One you learn it, it's lights on. He topples over, and crashes through the floor below, and RoboCop follows it down.
RoboNerd: Oh, yeah. I definitely prefer to read that instead of seeing that. So here we go, round 2. This time you can only shoot him in the legs. If you accidentally shoot his body your bullets bounce back and hurt you. Again learn the pattern, and give him what's what.
RoboNerd: Okay, here we go, final round, this is it. Oh, come on. Fuck you, RoboCop 2. (Grunts) Come on. Come on. Ah, yeah, look at that beautiful ending screen. Oh, I gotta say, it feels good to be done with this one. Well, that's RoboCop 2. Kind of follows the movie but that's it for me. (Puts down controller) I'm done playing these games. (Bullets hit RoboNerd.) No! No more! (More bullets) (Green text flashes: Directive 1: Play shitty games)
RoboNerd: Must play shitty games. I must continue. Somewhere, there is a crime happening and that crime is RoboCop 3, the worst movie of the bunch and probably the worst game of the bunch too. Well, actually this music is pretty awesome. Yeah, listen to that. Yeah, but the Start screen is pretty goofy. When the hell did the girl have a machine gun in the movie? I thought she just used computers. Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter. Let's just get into it.
Robonerd: So the game is pretty much the same as the others. Walk through streets, shoot punks, and fight bosses. Visually, Robocop 3 looks better than any of the others but the gameplay, not too exciting. Robocop moves as slow as shit coming out of a goose's asshole and his bullets move even slower. Oh, don't you love how the enemy bullets fly across the screen while Robocop's just crawl.
Robonerd: In between levels you have to repair damage to Robocop. Yeah, just listen to that music. (Moves mechanically to the music) This game has some pretty rockin' tunes, if only they spent that much effort on the actual gameplay. Oh, the platforming in this game is fuck. Every jump Robocop makes is just barely reaching. Most of the time I just fall in the acid, which kills you way too fast. Look at that. I'm barely on the platform. Robocop must be on his tippy-toes.
RoboNerd: The first boss is one of the ninjas from the movie, but he looks like Yuul from Ninja Gaiden. He jumps around like an asshole until you kill him. Levels 3 and 4 are the same exact level. The only difference is that Level 4 is backwards. In Level 3 you get the infamous jetpack from the movie, which sucks balls. Imagine that. Level 4, I guess you're outta gas so RoboCop has to hoof it on foot. Then you fight Ed-209. He's real easy and can't hit you if you're on the platform. Fortunately, you're on the last level. All you gotta do is avoid Scorpion and Sub-Zero and just go to this console. Once all the numbers show up the two ninjas slice each other's heads off. Oh, whatever. I don't care. I'm done. You know, it wasn't that bad. I'd buy that for a dollar. No more though. Anyway, now that I've played all those, my nerd directives have been cleared. (Puts on helmet)
(Green text: Directive 4: [Classified] declassifies. "Find more shit games" flashes. RoboNerd's jetpack appears and he takes off through the roof. RoboNerd flies over the city with the directive of finding more shit games. The low fuel warning flashes.)
RoboNerd: Oh, shit, I'm outta fuel. (Jetpack runs out of fuel and RoboNerd falls to earth with a fall whistle. Low altitude warning flashes as RoboNerd falls too the ground in an explosion.)
James D. Rolfe: Just a heads up for fans of physical media who want to collect Angry Video Game Nerd on Blu-Ray. We now have four volumes on Blu-Ray containing 147 episodes up to GameBoy Accessories. Volume 1, known as AVGN X, crams in the first 100 episodes plus bonus features on two discs. X2 continues where it left off with episodes 101 to 114 plus bonus features on two discs. The episodes are fewer because that's when they start shooting in HD so they're presented in their full quality. X3 contains episodes 115 to 140 plus bonus features on two discs. Volume 4, Ready 4 Revenge, is brand new with episodes 141 to 147 plus new bonus features on one disc. Also there's AVGN: the Movie on Blu-Ray and surround sounds with over 10 hours of bonus features, all on one disc, which I had no idea was even possible. There's also James & Mike Mondays on Blu-Ray with 20 select episodes on one disc, and Board James: The Complete Series on Blu-Ray plus bonus features on one disc. Also, if you're looking for the DVD format, we still have the first 9 DVD volumes of AVGN, which goes up to episode 139. These are all region-free and shipped worldwide. Go to store.screenwavemedia.com.