Kyle Justin: (To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪
♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪
♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪
♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
♪ He hates the games that stink ♪
♪ He knows which games to break ♪
♪ He just might even hate them all ♪
♪ 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake! ♪
♪ You'd better watch out ♪
♪ Don't give these games a try ♪
♪ You better not play 'em ♪
♪ He's tellin' you why ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
("Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" plays in the background as the Nerd rests on a present)
The Nerd: Well, Santa left me this present here but I don't want to play it whatever it might be because all these shitty brains have rotted my game.
Santa Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Don't you mean the shitty games have rotted your brain?
The Nerd: Oh, hey, Santa.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Hello, Nerd. Your brain has rotted away, but I'm here to save the day. As you will see, I have the help you need.
The Nerd: Oh, help? How?
Santa: Open the present, Nerd. I believe it will be the solution to all your problems.
The Nerd: If it's a severed head, I'm gonna be very upset.
Santa: Come on, Nerd. I'm only trying to help.
(The Nerd opens the present to reveal a Lightspan Adventures bag.)
The Nerd: It's, uh, what the Hell is it?
Santa: That right there is Lightspan Adventures.
The Nerd: Uh, what?
Santa: Lightspan Adventures! Long, long ago in the late '90s, Lightspan Adventures was made for the Sony Playstation. It was distributed to schools as a valuable edutainment tool. It branches together the world of knowledge with the world of electronic entertainment. You see, Nerd, by playing these educational games, you'll repair your brain.
The Nerd: Oh yeah, Santa, thanks! That-that makes a lotta sense! Use shitty games to fix my brain, that's been fucked up by shitty games, you piece of shit!
Santa: You know what? You can just fuck right off, you cocksucker motherfucker! (Santa gets thrown all over the stage.)
The Nerd: Okay, all right, let's see what kind of shit you packed in here. (Pulls out a PS1.) Oh, okay, huh. A PlayStation. Oh, okay. A SCHOOL TEXTBOOK?!
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, Nerd. (Flips the bird.)
The Nerd: All right, let's look this over. A 50-pound box of disks, a workbook, a PlayStation with a bunch of fucking wires. Oh great. Oh thanks. An RF adapter too. Oh what a tease this is. Imagine getting a free PlayStation from your school but all you get with it is a bunch of edutainment games. It's like getting to go to an awesome water park for free but all the water slides are piss slides.
The Nerd: Oh my gosh. Look at this shit! These are only some of the games they made. Lightspan put out more games on the PlayStation than most major game companies!
The Nerd: All right, so I guess I'll just pick something and pop it in.
K9.5: Live in Airedale
The Nerd: All right, at K9.5: Live in Airedale. It's a game about a buncha Disney reject dog characters in a lame ass band. Clicking on the pictures gives you a little info about each character but trust me, you don't want it. They are annoying as fuck.
Rip: "My real name is James Harrison Richus III! But all my friends call me Rip. I play lead guitar. My guitar. I tell it over. It's pretty good, huh?"
The Nerd: Oh, my god. I'd rather have a big... hairy... cow.... thing take a wet runny poopy... in my... hearing hole? Uh, I gotta fix my brain.
The Nerd: So, you're on your way to play a show and what looks like most unsafe blimp ever. Seriously, look at this shit! You're in giant dog bowls attached by ropes to balloons and it doesn't look like anyone's even controlling it! So, then a tornado comes outta nowhere and all your instruments get scattered around the area and you gotta use your "word-learnin'" to find them. It's basically moving quizzes. Like an animated test and this one you have to jump on the vines that have nouns or adjectives on them.
The Nerd: (Proposing as an English instructor) You see, everyone, a "noun" is a person, place, or thing, such as "shit", "ass", or "Hell". An adjective describes something like "shitty", "assy", or "Helly". Match the right one and you go forward. Fuck up and you fall (Ella screams as she falls). It doesn't matter, though. You just start back where you were. This is pretty simple; I think I'm actually learning something here.
The Nerd: Okay, now for the adjectives. (Sees "five".) Wait. What? So, I'm supposed to pick which one is the adjective. "Sun", "five", or "face". I guess the only one it could be is "five".
The Nerd: But... so... "five" is the adjective. They could've come up with a better example. I mean, look it up in the dictionary and the number five is usually a noun, but when you say there's five of something, that makes it an adjective. It's kinda confusing. Way to be an asshole with your trick questions. They could've come up with a better adjective, like... "fluffy".
The Nerd: This time, I'm gonna challenge myself. I wanna learn. So, let's go with Level 2 — Canyon. Here, you have to use the correct form of the verb to fill in the sentence and get little rock balls.
The Nerd: (Again, instructing his viewers) You see, a "verb" is an action word, like "shove", as in, I'd rather shove a dragon fruit into my dickhole than play this game.
The Nerd: After completing all the sentences, you get to play the world's slowest game of Arkanoid. This is helly, assy, and shitty. Oh, and good luck getting that last one. It takes forever.
Character: "Oh, that's great!"
The Nerd: After you win, you find a bass guitar made out of human remains. Did he get it by dueling Satan in a rock-off challenge? Huh... He got that bass from Satan... and I got this game from Santa. Makes ya think!
The Nerd: So, of course, K9.5, sucks doggie dick.
Gershwyn: (Tarzan yell) Let's get swingin'!
The Nerd: Alright. Let's try... KazMania. I really gotta say, if there's one thing Lightspan was good at, it was creating the ugliest characters possible. Kaz is a slug girl with a weird, inflated head. She must've had part of her brain cut out because her skull's lopsided.
The Nerd: Okay, and look at all the friends — I mean, look at them! They-they look like a bunch of infectious diseases under a microscope. I mean, they're all mismatched, and completely... unappealing. I mean, I despise them; their visage brings severe displeasure and mental anguish!
The Nerd: I have to admit, these games seem to be helping. I've noticed an increase in mental acuity as well as a more educated lexicon. Maybe I'm getting more smarter... and... lesser... dumber?
The Nerd: So, this one's a shitty first-person shooter, an SFPS. You run around with some of the most unresponsive controls in history. You lob blue balls at shit plunger pogo robots. You shoot these kiosks, which makes you answer boring questions. I hate this! I end up just blind guessing. This isn't what learning is supposed to be.
The Nerd: This isn't teaching me anything. All I'm doing is half-assing it to get it over with. Ya add another half ass, ya get a whole ass, which is the opposite of "asshole". And from that asshole, ya get a whole SHIT!
The Nerd: And speaking of half-ass, that's what this game is. It came out in '97, the same year as Final Fantasy VII, Symphony of the Night, and Abe's Odyssey. This game is boring "as" fuck. The graphics are ugly "as" shit. The music is "like" having your ear holes fucked repeatedly by a flaming demon dildo. You see, I just shared three similes with you. That's a literary device using "like" or "as" to draw a comparison between two things.
The Nerd: These Lightspan games feature some of the worst visuals I've ever seen. You don't believe me? Check out any of the games featuring P.K., another nightmarish misfit mascot of Lightspan.
P.K.: (Makes car sounds.)
The Nerd: Out of every character in these games, P.K. is by far the scariest thing. In every game he's featured in, he's the only 3D character. These supporting characters are lame, but not too bad, and then P.K. comes in to fuel your nightmares and traumatize you. Why'd they hand-draw every other character, but make him 3D? He looks like a store brand Toucan Sam that murders children in his spare time. The funniest thing about him is the steady decrease in quality of his animation throughout all the games. In the beginning, it looks like someone tried to spend time workin' on 'im, but then they started caring about him, less and less.
The Nerd: Here, he's just inserted into a castle, and repeats the same few frames of animation. In this game, he's just a still picture with a voice-over and moving eyes. Even the people who created this avian atrocity didn't feel like workin' on 'im. Why put him in so many games if the main focus is on these weird side characters, anyway? I know I asked this a lot, but what were they thinking?!
The Nerd: Every game is the same. Answer some questions, watch a shitty cartoon, answer some questions, watch a shitty cartoon, answer some questions, watch a shitty cartoon! I'm puttin' a stop to this endless shit cycle! (Takes the CD out of the PS1 and throws it to the side, where it breaks.)
The Nerd: Well, these games may be the electronic manifestation of bovine and canine fecal matter. I am, however, noticing favorable increases in my linguistic skills. Hm. I think it's now time to improve my arithmetic. (Takes a deep breath, then suddenly...) Shit-piss-fuck! Monkey-cheese, shit-pickle!
Math on the Move!
The Nerd: Let's learn some motherfuckin' math! "On the MOVE!" So, the first weird thing about this game is what happens when you click these music notes. The video plays showing you these fake arcade games. There's Alligator Farm, which is like shitty Donkey Kong. Yeah, ya ever play that one? Shitty Donkey Kong. Smack 'Em and Slap 'Em?! Maybe it's the sequel to Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. And then, there's Prehistoric Driving. It looks worse than Desert Bus! You're drivin' on a white background while the same dinosaur flips out, over and over again!
The Nerd: Why even have them? They're not even playable games! You know when I say a game is "unplayable|"? Well, these ones, you actually CAN'T play!
The Nerd: Get ready for Math on the Move! It's the worst in the Lightspan catalog. Choose a category, and then either "Lesson" or "Practice:. This game really ups the laziness, because... it isn't even a fuckin' game! It's just videos, starring the dorkiest geeks of the entire '90s! (Imitating hosts) "Eh! Hope you enjoy your game! (Accompanied by dorky laughter)"
The Nerd: Look at how geeky they are; I mean, look how they're dressed! Not all cool, like me.!
The Nerd: This game looks like the '90s got food poisoning, and then hurled into a toilet, and then SHAT in it, and then forgot to flush. Ah, there's nothin' like a bunch of goofy assholes tellin' ya how to add numbers together as they pretend to spazzing dinosaurs there!
(Green dragon appears in front of the two "geeky" hosts.)
Hostess: "Oh, hi!"
The Nerd: And why do they feature a dinosaur there, anyway? It makes no sense! Imagine comin' home from school and havin' to actually play this shit for homework!
The Nerd: Wow, could you imagine the conversation on the bus ride to school, Monday morning? Some kids talkin' about some awesome dinosaur game, Dino Crisis that he rented from Blockbuster, and then the other kid's like-like, "Oh yeah, I played a dinosaur game, too!" "Oh, yeah? Like-like, like what? Like, uh, Jurassic Park?" "No..." "Uh, Primal Rage?" "No..." "Um... om, yeah! You must mean Turok!" "No, no, not that-" "Well, what game was it?" "Math on the Move..." And then everyone LAUGHS at ya! Including the bus driver...
The Nerd: Practice mode is just as pointless. You sit and watch math problems, and they give you the answer!
Hostess (oc): "Fifty-seven!"
The Nerd: What's this teaching me?! That my patience is running thin?! This is somethin' that could've been a VHS tape! Not a PlayStation game! Oooh, my God, it's so bad... the PlayStation's soiled; it's unclean, it's broken, I don't even want it in my house, anymore!
(The Nerd unplugs the PS1 and tosses it into a dumpster. Falling to the bottom with other old discarded electronics.)
The Nerd: Yeah, I know. The amount of PlayStation consoles may seem superfluous, but you'd be astonished at how many times I've had to cleanse my dwelling of begrimed and impure consoles, tainted by... (Takes a PS1 off of one of two PS1 stacks) shitty games!
The Nerd: Buckle up, fuckaroos! I know I said Math on the Move was the worst, but this is the best of the worst. Calamity... somethin'. Calamity: The Natural World! It starts off as any shitfest would, with those muddy, full-motion cinematics, indicative of electronic anal fudge. Calamity Jane gets a weird time machine from none other than Jules Verne, because, why the Hell not? Jules Verne really phoned it in on this one. He's supposed to be French, but sometimes he sounds German... I guess? I don't know. It's just all these conflicting accents going on.
Jules Verne: "Now, keep trying until you win! Don't give up! Viva legit!"
The Nerd: Parallel to these events, two kids in the future are getting ready for a baseball game at Calamity Jane Middle School when, you guessed it: they're transported into the past and have to help the real Calamity Jane.
The Nerd: So, basically, it's a shitty version of Bill and Ted. Yeah! And Calamity Jane... uh, according to common history knowledge, she was an illiterate alcoholic prostitute — really great role model ya dug up, there, Lightspan!
Jules Verne: "Are you ready for another kind of ride?" (Electronic sounds "beep-booping" in the background.)
The Nerd: So, the kids need to help Calamity get the time machine up and running, again. Y'know, they need to get "back to the future", so they can get back to their baseball game.
Girl: "It's really her! Calamity Jane!"
Boy: "Cool! We've been transported to the past!"
Girl: "Cool?! Are you crazy? We have our playoffs in an hour!"
The Nerd: Th-their baseball game is in an hour... but, uh, from what I understand, they're in the 1800s, right now, so... I THINK THEY HAVE PLENTY OF FUCKIN' TIME!
The Nerd: Oh, fuck it. I'm not gonna argue the logistics of this heap of pachyderm piss and shit! So, to get the time machine running again, you gotta fix it. Right? No, of course not. You have to read articles and answer questions. Imagine if that worked in real life! Like, "Oh, my car broke down! Here! (Flips through magazine.) That fixed the engine! Here! (Flips through another magazine.) That fixed the tire! Here! (Flips through another magazine.) That filled the gas! Beep! Beep! Let's go!"
The Nerd: So, anyway, the gameplay's as boring as the rest. Read shit, answer shit. It's as simple as that. Oh, and Jules Verne is as bored as us.
Jules Verne: "Go back, or quit."
The Nerd: And for the love of fuck, and all that is assy and shitty, look at that wall of text! Oh, this is teaching me a lot! This is teaching me how to scroll down! I mean, who's gonna read this? I'd rather have Captain Nemo pilot the Nautilus directly into my jejunum! That's the portion of the small intestine, between the ileum and the duodenum. In layman's terms, PRETTY FAR UP MY FUCKIN' ASSHOLE! CONFOUND THIS REPUGNANT DISCHARGE TO THE INFERNO OF THE FUTURE STATE OF THE WICKED, for I and the exasperated electronic amusement connoisseur. And to everyone, everywhere, enjoy your winter solstice holidays.
(Rock version of a Christmas song wraps the episode.)