James D. Rolfe: Hope you've been enjoying the AVGN boost for the holidays. First just a heads-up. A game that's not ass, Vikings: War of Clans, has a new update. It resembles top strategy and RPG games, the 90s, and 2000s, giving you the option to choose your own play style. Build fortresses, dominate by destroying cities, or use and master your diplomacy skills to rule the world. Play for five minutes and see why over 12 million gamers are so addicted to it. Support my channel today. Download Vikings from the links below in the description and get your initial protection shield for free and my special bonus of 200 gold for a fast and successful start. Now watch some more Nerd. Enjoy.
The Nerd: All right, what game am I gonna torture myself with today?
Charlie: Good morning, Nerd.
The Nerd: Who said that?
Charlie: Down here, Nerd.
The Nerd: The fuck is that thing?
Charlie: It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
The Nerd: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
Charlie: Why don't you take a look at the game first?
The Nerd: Oh yeah. Charlie's Angels: the Movie the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
Charlie: Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
The Nerd: Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speakerphone? I mean, this is an all-time low. We're reachin' here, and you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
The Nerd: Charlie's Angels. It was a TV show about three private investigators (Natalie, Alex & Dylan) who work for a mysterious billionaire named Charlie. The show was a hit and helped launch Farrah Fawcett to stardom. In 2000 they remade it as a feature film with Cameron Diaz (as Natalie), Drew Barrymore (as Dylan), and Lucy Liu (as Alex). It was a success and helped popularize over-the-top kung-fu style fighting with American audiences. Not everyone liked it. Roger Ebert gave it only half a star, calling it "eye candy for the blind" and that it was "like the trailer for a video game movie, lacking only the video game, and the movie."
The Nerd: (putting the game into the GameCube) But of course here is the video game, which came out the same year (2003) as the movie's sequel, Full Throttle, which was deemed unwatchable, which I guess means the game is gonna be unplayable.
The Nerd: The game begins with the Statue of Liberty being stolen. "New York is orphan!"? What? Is the Statue of Liberty New York's mommy? Shouldn't it be "New York is orphaned" or "New York is an orphan"? Yeah, I got a headline: "This game is sucks!".
The Nerd: The goal in this game is to find out who's stealing the world's monuments. So it's like Mario Is Missing? In your first missions, you have to infiltrate a bikini contest. (A red arrow appears next to the red tank suit along with text NOT A BIKINI!) I have no idea how those two things are related. It might have been explained in the opening cutscene but I was distracted by all the characters' soulless, dead eyes.
The Nerd: You start the first level as Cameron Diaz's character (Natalie), and...oh why--why did they do this to her face? She looks like the Joker!
Natalie: Love the Joker!
The Nerd: Is part of her head shaved? Does, uh, d-does she have fucking pinkeye? I mean, why in the sweet name of shit did they make her so hideous?! She's supposed to be undercover, but for some reason everyone on this beach knows who she is and just starts beating the shit out of her. Ow, Jake! Leave me alone, Ann! Yeah, they gave all the enemies names like it's Final Fight or something. Actually, this plays a lot like a side-scrolling beat-'em-up, but in 3D.
(Cut to Streets of Rage, then Final Fight, then Spider-Man)
The Nerd: In Final Fight or Streets of Rage (or any other side-scrolling beat-'em-up like them because in those games you can move in three dimensions and/or the enemies (sometimes) and bosses have health meters), you'll get the parts where the screen locks and you can't progress until you beat the living fuck out of everyone in the section. It worked for those games during that time period, but at this point in gaming history, we were used to being able to freely explore all around a level. But here you hit an invisible wall every five seconds. Oh, and the camera angles...they make me want to dip porcupine quills in a toilet bowl cleaner and then jab them into my fuckin' eyeballs! (Scenes with the Nerd doing just those.)
The Nerd: It's super disorienting! Sometimes you'll see an enemy in the distance, you'll start running to do a jump kick or something, and then--whoa!--camera changes and you're not sure where he went. Then ten people come and clobber you with pipe wrenches. I don't get it. This isn't Resident Evil or Final Fantasy with their pre-rendered backdrops. Why won't they just give you full control of the camera so I know what's going on?
The Nerd: Look at this! There's grenades and wrenches coming at me; there's no way to dodge or avoid them!
The Nerd: If only you could rotate the camera you'll be able to see where everything's coming from. (Fire extinguisher is thrown at the Nerd) Oh, what the fuck? Somebody throws a fucking fire extinguisher?
(The Nerd gets up and walks into cameras he couldn't see. Something else comes flying at the Nerd, knocking off his glasses. Bricks are thrown at the Nerd, followed by the fire extinguisher and finally a concrete block. The Nerd groans as he gets hit.)
The Nerd: *sighs* Back on track. You can switch between the different Angels, but there's no point, because you have to play as all of them anyway. After you play as Cameron Diaz you switch to Lucy Liu (Alex) and...what the hell is going on here? Her ass is gigantic! The proportions are not accurate. Lucy Liu's ass is not that big. I checked. For research.
Charlie: (Chuckles) Oh, sure. "Research."
The Nerd: (Yells to Charlie) SHUT UP!
The Nerd: And just in case you didn't notice the ass right away, you get this ladder-climbing part. It's 30 uninterrupted seconds...of ass. Reminds me of that scene from Metal Gear Solid 3, but awful!
The Nerd: Well, one more Angel to go. Let's see what they did with Drew Barrymore (Dylan).
The Nerd: *exclaims* She looks like some scary doll. Like a fucking Chucky or something. What's this? It looks like she's wearing ass-less pants, like chaps, which are always ass-less.
The Nerd: *sighs* How did they do this? They took three attractive women and made them look terrifying! Why? And I haven't even started talking about the gameplay. Well, let's break it down. Every level is the same. The Angels have to follow the arrow from Crazy Taxi, fight their way to the end of a level and flick a switch so the other Angels can progress. Along the way you can get weapons and extra lives. If you really hate yourself, you can also collect film reels and memory sticks to see bonus videos and pictures! Yay!
The Nerd: There's also power items that restore your health. Drew Barrymore gets the lighter, Lucy Liu gets a muffin like the kind she tries to make in the films, and Cameron Diaz gets a...CD. I have no idea why.
The Nerd: Each level has the same four or five enemies with the same names and the names don't really match either. This guy is named Ike when clearly, he's Mario! (Mimics Mario) "Hey, it's-a Lucy Liu! I love your movies! Ugh-- (Screams to the "life lost" sound effect from Super Mario Bros.)"
The Nerd: Sometimes you'll have to fight a boss like Crispin Glover's Thin Man. The boss fights are insanely easy and nowhere near as difficult as fighting a gang of enemies in the regular levels.
The Nerd: Don't forget about asses! Asses in the cutscenes, asses on a ladder, weird Poison Ivy suits that show off more ass...wait, I have a special attack? What could it be? (Natalie hits an enemy with her buttocks at the end of a combo. The Nerd is stunned.) It's an ass attack. (Sighs, drinks Rolling Rock and watches Natalie dance who shows off her rear end.) It's finally happened. For years, I've been calling games ass! But here's a game that's literally ASS!
Charlie: I'm really sorry, Nerd. I thought you would have loved a game that was ass.
The Nerd: And why would I love that?
Charlie: Because you're a piece of shit!
(The Nerd chuckles and gets up furiously. He rips out the speaker phone, and twirls it over his head.)
Charlie: No! Please! Nerd! Stop!
(The Nerd swings the speaker phone at a dresser, smashing it to pieces.)
(The nerd throws a piece at a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde poster and angrily stomps on the pieces.)
Charlie: *distorted* No! Please, Nerd, stop!
(The Nerd throws pieces at game shelves.)
Charlie: *distorted* Ow!
(The Nerd stomps on the pieces.)
The Nerd: *takes the speaker piece up to his left ear* Hey, you're not talking now, Charlie!
(The Nerd looks in shock to see a PlayStation 2 disc among the speaker phone pieces. He kneels down and pulls out the disc to reveal Charlie's Angels for the PlayStation 2. He holds the disc up in shock as the phone ring. The Nerd slowly picks up the phone.)
The Nerd: Hello?
Charlie: I forgot to mention the European PlayStation 2 version. Might be fun to give that a whirl!
(White text: "...THE END???" while the scene's colors fades to shades of dark gray)
(The Nerd angrily throws the disc to the floor and scowls while he shakes his head at the camera. Scene cuts to a shattered Charlie's Angels PS2 disc.)
- James never referred to Natalie, Alex & Dylan by their actual names other than their actresses' during the entire episode.
- The PS2 version of Charlie's Angels is the exact same game as the GC one, which is why James broke the PS2 disc at the end of the episode.
- The people attacking the Angels might actually be monument thieves in disguise.
- Since Nat, Al & Dyl each have their own health meters, switching between them might be necessary.