(The Nerd portrays the warning screen before the intro)
The Nerd: The Angry Video Game Nerd is not real. He is a character. Some of the games he plays would cause a person to lose their mind, break something, or get hurt. To put it another way, don't try this at home.
(Intro, only this time the Nerd is humming his theme song loudly a la Beavis and Butthead)
The Nerd: In the 90s, Beavis and Butthead was a sensation. On the surface, it seemed like the most mindless, idiotic show on television, but on closer examination, it was funnier and smarter than you'd think. There were two segments to the show. First, there was the narrative segments. This is where you'd see the characters leave the house and interact with society. They'd cause all kinds of trouble and act without discipline. They seem to represent some kind of teenage, primal inner-self. A warning of what our generation may come to if we don't subdue that inner-self. A social satire... covered in fart jokes. The other part of the show was where they watch music videos while commenting on them in a very loose and low-brow kind of way. It gave us a contrast to the formal critic, who traditionally tries to compose themselves in a professional, intelligent way. But really, all ya need is two jackasses sittin' on a couch makin' fun of shit. Beavis and Butthead pioneered today's various styles of reviewing media. Speaking of media, it only seemed natural that they appeared in video games, like this one on Sega Genesis. It was released timely, during the show's popularity. So, a game based on Beavis and Butthead? We're there dude! This is gonna be cool... or is it?
(The game plays a 16-bit version of the Beavis and Butthead TV intro, complete with their trademark laughs.)
The Nerd: The plot goes like this: Beavis and Butthead get tickets to a Gwar concert, but a dog eats the tickets, barfs them up, then they get shredded in a riding mower, scattering the pieces of the tickets all over town, and you gotta find them. A bit far-fetched, but so was the show. In fact, everything about the game is in-tune with the show. The humor is there, and the game's graphics look just like the show's animation style. It feels like you're playing a Beavis and Butthead episode. The controls take some time to get used to. It's hard to tell where you're allowed to walk. In the house, you're stuck on a two-dimensional path, even though it appears that you have a whole three-dimensional space to explore. The first thing you do is search the house for items, but anytime I try searching the couch I end up selecting the TV, and it doesn't let you go back. The TV is the main hub where you select what stage to go to next.
Butthead: We're there dude.
The Nerd: Like Burger World, the fast-food joint. Here, I'm wandering around behind the place; there's a door that requires a passcode. Okay, where do I find that? I'll check out the dumpster. Nope, nothing here. Just a dead rat. Lookin' around, lookin' around... Wait a minute, how'd I get back to the dumpster?
The Nerd: There's no logical sense of direction. Try playing it with two players and you're screwed. You're both always going to be moving in different directions, causing the screen to change at inconvenient times, unless one player leads, and masters the art of lightning-fast communication. Now where's the passcode? I looked everywhere. You know where to find it? I know. In the Cheater's Guide, that's where!
The Nerd: The passcode is BUTTHEAD? Okay, I thought it was just gonna be numbers. I didn't know it was gonna spell out a word. Why does the finger go in between the keys? It shouldn't do that!
(He tries to tap out the code on the number pad)
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Ugh, I hit the wrong key! How do I delete it? Oh, CORR? That's the backspace key? What's "Corr" mean? Corr-ect? Correct! Oh my God. (laughs a little) Ugh, why couldn't they just have DEL for delete? And you know, who would ever be named "Butthead" anyway? Maybe his parents intended it to be pronounced "Buh-theed".
The Nerd: Okay, now we're inside. That was WAY too much hassle. There's a guy demanding service. You go in the back to get his meal. You're supposed to drop the rat into the fryer, along with some fries. So... did I drop it, or what?
The Nerd: What am I supposed to do?! Ohhhh... the "DROP" button up there is NOT for dropping the items into the fryer, no! It's for dropping them on the floor! Which is so conveniently hidden by the foreground plane, that you would never know the difference! To drop them in the fryer, you select the items, then use the C button! (laughs)
The Nerd: Uugh, silly me! I'm such a "shi-theed"! (knocks his head) Who would've ever thought it'd be self-explanatory? Drop the item in the fryer by selecting "Drop"! Figuring this game out is as awkward as tryin' to wipe your ass in the dark with a piece of floss, while doin' a handstand! Or like a one-legged cat tryin' to bury a turd on a frozen pond.
The Nerd: So then you feed the guy this glorious dead rat Happy Meal! Yeah! He pukes it up, and what comes out? A piece of the tickets. How... did he eat... a piece of the tickets? I know it's just a game, but come on! That'd be like if I ripped up a piece of paper, and then, somehow, a piece ended up in a dog's ass across the street!
The Nerd: Everywhere you walk, there's somethin' on the ground tryin' to kill you! Beavis and Butthead each have their own health meter, so you can switch between them to conserve health, but it doesn't take long for it to drain. And it doesn't matter who dies; whether it's Beavis or Butthead, all it takes is one of them, and the game's over! No extra lives! No continues! NOTHING! You can save the game, but you have to make it back alive to the exit, return to the house, and go to the poster, where you can put the piece of the tickets in a safe place. Then it gives you a password. But after you die, it doesn't continue! It still resets back to the beginning! In other words, EVERY TIME YOU DIE, YOU HAVE TO ENTER THE PASSWORD! IT SHOULDN'T MAKE YOU DO THAT! THE PURPOSE OF A PASSWORD IS FOR WHEN YOU TURN THE GAME OFF, AND COME BACK ANOTHER TIME!
The Nerd: (groans) Ugh, okay, so let's enter the password. Wait... I picked password... what happened?
The Nerd: Watch as I clearly highlight "Password". I hit Start, and the game starts up from the beginning, as if nothing happened. You have to hit A, or possibly any of the other buttons. Now you get the password screen. Yay! But it's made of upper and lowercase letters. When you're writing that down, how are you gonna tell the difference between an upper and lowercase X or O or K? What about the L? That's not even a real lowercase L, it's just a smaller uppercase L! And how are you supposed to enter the password, when the damn arm is in the fucking way?! Did the dumbasses who made this game have all the intelligence of a brick?! Combined?! Did Beavis and Butthead design this game?!
The Nerd: Alright, done. Uhh, what's happening?
The Nerd: Okay, guess what button ya press this time? Start? Wait... where's my fucking health? Where's my fucking items?! The ticket piece is still there, but other than that, the password is useless! What good is a password if you're almost dead, and all your items are gone?! I don't wanna collect this shit all over again! This game is less fun than 52-card pickup.
The Nerd: I don't even know what to say. I'm out of words!
The Nerd: So, how do you refill your health? One way, you can eat the rotten burger next to the dumpster, then go to the sick room at the hospital... if you can make it that far before the burger continuously drains all your health. And even if you make it that far, good luck getting back out of the hospital; they block the exit with some fartknocker who thinks he's at a barbecue! At first I thought he was wearing a doctor's smock, but it's a cooking apron. And he has a burger on a spatula, I guess. I think they put him on the wrong stage by accident. By the way, there is a quicker way to get out of a stage: by choosing "SUCKS". But all the items you collected in the stage are now gone, making it pointless. Another way to get health is to shoot a million spitballs at these police officers who look like Don Knotts. They sometimes give you health. But look at how many hits it takes to kill this buttmunch!
The Nerd: Every stage, no matter where you go, the enemies are too abundant! And if you step back an inch, another one spawns in its place! You're caught in a surge of bowling balls, skateboards and pedestrians! Geez! Enough is enough! There should be a name for this kind of game! Actually there is. It's called crap.
The Nerd: There's a part where you get a gun, but most of the enemies in this area are all birds and rats which are next to impossible to shoot. The rats especially, because they're too close to the ground! Did you think you can duck and shoot? (Chuckles) Heh, no, you can't. (Not much)
The Nerd: In the sewers, most of the gaps are too wide to jump. Get over there! Get OVER THERE! (Grunts angrily) FUCK! You know what, you fuckin' game? I banged your mom.
The Nerd: The part I hate most of all, is the hospital! You're racing down the halls, and there's a naked guy chasing after you! If he catches you, it's game over! Why is he naked anyway? I know why he's naked: because he has no clothes on. And what are these things? Health? NO! In any real game, a white container with a red cross on it is always health. But not in this piece of shit! Here, they slow you down! And you're in the middle of the screen, giving you no time to react! It's over.
The Nerd: (groans) I don't know. I guess to give a closing statement: while viewed on its own merits, it is non-derivative of its genre. However what it has in originality, it lacks in fun. Though it tries to bear the mantle of a problem-solving thinking game, it speaks less to the brain and more to... the anus. I don't know... it's - it's - it's one of the most brutal, most unforgiving, worst games I ever played. It's so bad it goes beyond analysis, and I've critiqued so many games, I don't even know what to say anymore.
(He notices some text on the screen: Beavis saying "This game sucks!")
The Nerd: That's it... It says it right there! The game is telling me that it sucks! That's all I need to say! This game sucks! That's the phrase it all comes down to! THAT'S WHERE IT ALL STARTED!
Episode 1 Nerd: This game sucks.
The Nerd: BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW! You know what else they taught me? Change it!
(He expertly uses his middle finger to switch off the game, and then he speaks on a black screen.)
The Nerd: (belches) Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks. Yeah. Uhhhhh... you know when you eat rump roast, are ya like, eating a cow's butt? (burps) You know the word "this" is like "shit" spelled backwards? Or uhh, maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uhhh... play another game, or somethin'?
The Nerd: Alright, here's one on... Super Nintendo. I guess if we're like, goin' 16-bit then, y'know.
(inserts the cartridge. The game plays an SNES version of the Beavis and Butthead TV intro, complete with their trademark laughs.)
The Nerd: Yes! YES! Lives! It has lives! And whoa, you can duck! This game is like, easier to figure out. (burps) It's just gooder. You don't gotta figure out what button... "butt-on". I said butt-on. You don't gotta think in this game, just move right and... beat everything with a stick. Yeah. Beat that stick. Look at the birds takin' a dump. Hey look, there's Daria. (Chuckles) Heh heh, diarrhea. You can like, switch between Beavis and Butthead but, why? In the other game they have their own health bars but, this time they don't. Sometimes you can do co-op moves like this but, not that much. Know what's weird? It has the same plot and almost all the same stages as the Genesis version, like the hospital and the high school. But they're different. So, they made the same game, but it's... not the same game. Wouldn't it have been easier to like, make the same game once? Instead of, uhhh... make the same game twice, or somethin'?
The Nerd: I'm like dead.
Beavis: This sucks!
The Nerd: Uhhh, you still gotta put the password in to keep playing? Okay, puttin' the password in. Let's go.
(The Nerd sits, slightly bored. Then he notices...)
The Nerd: Uhhhhh, no lives? Health almost gone?!
(The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)
The Nerd: (Yells) FUUUUUUUUCK! (He drinks four Rolling Rocks at once while he yells, and then he becomes "The Great Cornholio" like Beavis did in the show.) I am The Great Cornholio! I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNG-HOLE!
(He ejects both cartridges and puts them in a campfire pit outside, placing a cherry bomb beside them. They explode and catch fire.)
The Nerd: Yeah! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
(the cartridges melt as the episode ends and the Nerd hums his theme song)