Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki

The Crow (Sega Saturn) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 137

(Words pop up saying "October 30". The Nerd's doorbell rings and he opens up the door. The Nerd begins to look around and sniff, smelling shit and/or burning as he looks down to find a flaming paper bag on the front steps.)

The Nerd: Ugh. (Screams) AAHH! NO! (He uses his foot to put out the fire.)

The Nerd: (Groans) Ugh, those goddamn kids! They left me a flaming bag... (The Nerd pulls out "The Crow: City of Angels" game from the bag) of SHIT! The Crow: City of Angels. It was on PC, PlayStation, and Sega Saturn, and all the same, the PC version was a Piece of Crap, the PS version was a Piece of Shit, and the Saturn version was a Satanic turd, MORE LETHAL THAN TEN TONS OF DONKEY DOOKIE DROPPIN' FROM A 60-STORY BUILDING!

(Images show from the first Crow film)

The Nerd: The Crow was a dark action film based on a comic series. The film takes place the night before Halloween, Mischief Night or Devil's Night, which is associated with the more destructive version of Mischief Night, which is not so much about petty pranks, but more about vandalism and arson. It's also somewhat related to an older tradition: Guy Fawkes Night. But that's another story.

The Nerd: Anyway, The Crow, of course, starred Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son. You can't talk about The Crow without mentioning the fact that he was accidentally killed on set by a defective gun blank. Yeah, I have nothing but tragedy to tell today.

The Nerd: The plot was about a rock star named Eric Draven. He and his girlfriend are violently killed by a horrible gang. But he's resurrected and seeks his revenge after a crow leads his soul back to the world of the living. Yeah, it sounds weird when you say it fast, but it was a pretty good movie. While not perfect, it was stylized with a gloomy and surreal comic book tone, similar to Tim Burton's Batman. That would be a good time to make a video game, right? No. There were no games based on The Crow. Nada, diddly-fuckin'-squat. Then came the shitty sequel, The Crow: Shitty of Angels! (The Nerd sarcastically acts excited) (Chuckles) HO HO! Now it's time to make a game! (The Nerd disgustingly grabs the game) (groans) Ugh! All right, let's... pop this... fuckin' turd in here.

(opens Sega Saturn, puts "The Crow: City of Angels" in, and the game starts with a loading screen)

The Nerd: "Loading"... Yeah. My ASS is loading!

(The game starts with two characters walking around outside)

The Nerd: Okaaaaay... "great" opening screen. Take a guess which tiny pixely blob is me. The one in the center that your eyes are immediately drawn to? I'm pushing left and right, and the dude is walking side to side. That would have to be me, right? No, no, no. I'm the guy in the bottom right turning in a circle. Just wonderful.

The Nerd: Rather than just simply pressing which direction you wanna go, check this out; this is how it works. Left and right turn yourself around in a 360 motion, while up makes you go forward. No matter which direction you or the camera are facing, up is always forward. This isn't the only game like this; even the first Resident Evil had the same shitty controls. But for The Crow, I would say this is before they figured out how to program video game controls for three-dimensions in a good way, (Gameplay from "Super Mario 64" is shown) but Super Mario 64 was already out.

(Ashe Corven begins fighting an enemy)

The Nerd: Alright, first enemy in the game and I can't even fi-- (The enemy's hand goes through the player) Oh, look-look, he's punching through me. His fist is coming right out my back! If this is what it's gonna be like for every enemy we encounter, then we're in for a real nightmare. As the game explicitly warns you, this is your last chance.

(The camera flashes back to the Nerd)

The Nerd: The game... is SO bad, that it's become self-aware!

(Gameplay resumes)

The Nerd: Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little TOO dark? It's almost just a black screen, with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after takin' a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

(The player walks towards the screen)

The Nerd: Oh, he's badass. Look, here he comes, he's badass! Like a slasher villain. That's actually pretty terrifying.

(Zoom in on his face)

The Nerd: Look at his fuckin' face. Looks like a melted candle of one of the members of KISS, and there probably do exist KISS candles. But wouldn't that be great if we could hear "God of Thunder" or somethin' awesome? But instead, listen to this rockin' tune.

(Camera shows the Nerd, who mimics the music)

The Nerd: (mimics rock music) Yeah, you'll enjoy hearin' that for hours! Nah... you won't.

The Nerd: That's the perfect soundtrack to go along with walking around in circles in the most depressing bar in existence. This is the place where people go to cut their wrists and drink gasoline.

The Nerd: It's hard to even walk a straight line. On top of the clumsy controls that make ya feel like you're drivin' a tank, the camera angles keep changing at the most inconvenient times. It's so disorienting! Sometimes I deliberately walk around the same area just to see if I can figure out where the line is between one camera angle and the next. It's like stepping into a separate reality. Sometimes the camera angle doesn't change at all. You just step outside the boundaries of existence. Where am I? It's as if there's actually a person behind a mixer who has to switch the camera angles. But that person was too busy smokin' pot.

(The camera doesn't follow the player and the Nerd does an impression of the stoned camera guy)

Stoned Camera Guy: Ugh, dude. Sorry man.

(The player gets shot and flies behind the bar)

The Nerd: How 'bout this? I'm behind the fucking bar! I guess they completely forgot to even put a camera back there. And there's times when your feet actually get stuck, as if there's an invisible treadmill.

Bad Guy: Hey, clown-face!

The Nerd: Let's talk about the fighting. It's the worst part of the game, which is unfortunately the part you do the most of. You have a few different variations of kicks and punches you can pull off, you can even throw people, but whether or not you hit your mark is all up to chance. You mash buttons and hope for the best. Half the time, your fists and feet go right through your opponents. That is if you can even face the right direction. This is like Karate Champ, but taken to three-dimensions. The whole thing is a fucking clown show! (The player dies) (groans) Ugh, my God!

(A cutscene from the game is shown)

The Nerd: And the fighting in the cutscene is there just to tease you. Wow, look! They're actually punching and kicking, even blocking! And they're facing right at each other! This is just a reminder of how much better the game could've been.

(The player tries to fight another enemy, and the camera shows the Nerd frantically pressing buttons on the Saturn while the player does nothing, and the Nerd sarcastically laughs in disappointment)

The Nerd: Oh my God! What is he doing? He's pullin' her tits! He's PULLING her tits!

Woman: Aah!

(the Nerd is shocked)

The Nerd: The awful camera angles add so much to the misery. Don't ya love it when you're fighting somebody and ya end up in a corner somewhere?

The Nerd: Could you imagine if this was somebody's first video game? Or if it was even the first video game ever made? I think even then it would have induced vomiting and irritable bowel syndrome. I wonder if Guy Fawkes woulda liked this game? After all, it's based on a shitty sequel, so I don't know what I expected. I guess I expected something a little less... vaginal. Yeah, I'm running out of adjectives.

The Nerd: The controls... needless to say, are delayed. When ya have to turn around, get in position, and then pull off an attack, the response time for all that is way too much! By the time that actually happens, you don't even remember what you tried to do. It's as if every time you press the button, that request gets processed in a queue of commands that's always behind.

The Nerd: Weapons, if you're even able to pick them up, you can never hit anybody with them. Within those 360 degrees, you have to turn till you're facing in the precise direction, which you'll never have time to do.

(The Nerd fails to shoot anything)

The Nerd: (yells) FUUUUCK!

The Nerd: As soon as the enemies have guns, the game is all over with. They always have ammunition and you never do. In the time it takes to pick up the guns, pick up the ammo, and then try to shoot at them, they already got you! And if you do manage to pull off a few shots, that's all you get, is a few shots, and then the ammo runs out! But not them; they come at you with fuckin' machine guns and drain your life bar instantly! Geeeez!

The Nerd: Strange that in the movie, the guns can't kill him. But I suppose playing as an invincible, immortal character, wouldn't have made for a challenging game. But this is WAY too challenging! And the challenge isn't about legit gameplay, the challenge is all about trying to outsmart the broken ass controls.

The Nerd: The only way I'm able to glimpse ahead in the game, is by using passwords. Even then, as soon as the level starts, the enemies immediately gang up on you. I tried every stage in the game, and none of them I can last more than a minute. I even turned the difficulty down, and still, it's fucking INSANE!

The Nerd: This is the definition of frustrating. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde frustrating! And it all leads up to a battle that looks like something out of Hellraiser.

(Montage shows the Nerd dying at various stages)

The Nerd: Fuck. Shit! (Groans twice) MMMMM! UUUGH! GOD-FUCKIN'-DAMMIT! This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass, AND FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN' CLOWN FACE JOKER, KISS MAKEUP-WEARIN', KING DIAMOND, BEETLEJUICE, ALICE COOPER, MARILYN MANSON MOTHERFUCKER!

(The Nerd cries and looks up, staring in shock at Board James inside of the TV)

Board James: Yo Nerd... I got a better game for us. 

The Nerd: Board James, go away. You don't get a Halloween special.

Board James: (angrily) Fuck you, you fuckin' asshole! Wha- I-I-I NEVER get a Halloween special! Why's it always gotta be about you?! When's it gonna be MY TURN?!

The Nerd: (Stutters) Okay, ok-o-okay. As soon as Halloween is over, we'll play some plastic and cardboard. 

Board James: (Nods) Better late than never.

(The Nerd looks down to see he is holding the "13 Dead End Drive" board game. As the camera pans back up, we now see that it is Board James holding the game as he looks into the camera and the episode ends.)