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LJN Video Art - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 133

(It picks up where the previous episode left off, with the Nerd taking the Day 12 package and beginning to unwrap it, only to find the LJN logo on the front. The Nerd's eyes widen in shock.)



The Nerd: It can't be!

(The Nerd continues unwrapping the package, only to find LJN made a game console.)

The Nerd: LJN... made a video game console. It's bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty dysfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console! The biggest turd LJN ever shat.

(Christmas music begins playing)

The Nerd: Let's take a look. "Hours of creative fun." Ohh, I'm SURE.

(The Nerd takes the Styrofoam tray out of the box and lifts the cover)

The Nerd: Do I really have to play this thing? I'd rather analyze the Styrofoam that came with it. It's far more exciting. (camera zooms in on a random mark) See that right there? Maybe somebody's cat stepped on it. See all the scuff marks? I wonder what that's all from? It's like an archaeological record. It's like Styrofoam keeps a fingerprint of the past. It's interesting. Okay, let's cut the shit. (takes a knife and cuts an actual shit in half) Uhh, let's hook this thing up...

(The Nerd ends up finding one of those boxes from the "Pong Consoles" episode.)

The Nerd: Ohhhhhhh... no, oh no, oh NO! (reveals twin-lead connector on the antenna box of the cartridge) Augh, I hate these! These things come from hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that ya have to screw on the back of your TV. The box says it's "For ages 5 and up. (Adult guidance needed for hook up.)" Think we're gonna need more like spiritual guidance! So we plug this fucker in and, here we go.

(The Nerd turns the LJN Video Art on, and it makes static noises from the TV with Atari 2600-style graphics. The Nerd is confused and disgusted. He begins drawing random things on the screen.)

The Nerd: (sarcastically) Well, ya have to admit, sure has a "killer" soundtrack! Yeah, next time you're havin' a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega ManCastlevania... no, tell 'em about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now, like: "Huh, how does that one go? I don't remember that." "Oh, it goes like..." (imitates static) Kssssssshhhhhh!

(static noises continue)

The Nerd: The game has no sound. This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise. So technically, it does have sound, but it's fuckin' static! (static noise continues) This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. (The Nerd mutes the TV) Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and, while you're at it, put on a DIFFERENT FUCKIN' GAME!

The Nerd: If you turn on the console without a game cartridge in it, you get a blank screen that you can doodle on. The console comes packaged with one cartridge. If you put that in, you get a bunch of pre-done drawings that you can mess with.

The Nerd: The joystick moves the cursor about. To draw, or, should I say to scribble around like a blind golden lion Tamarin on speed, you hold down the button. This presses the pen down, so to say. The joystick is already overly sensitive; one slight move and your cursor flies all over the place.

The Nerd: Having to press down on the joystick at the same time as you're tryin' to move it only adds to the frustration. Why couldn't there be a separate button, like Atari 2600? (The Nerd is seen playing with an Atari 2600 controller)

The Nerd: There are two other buttons on the controller, but they're for locking the verticals and horizontals so you can draw a straight line. Maybe we can get some lasers comin' outta the parrot's eyes. (The Nerd tries to draw lasers coming out of the parrot's eyes, but the lasers go out of its head.) Yeah, it's my best.

The Nerd: The diagonals are the biggest problem. I just wanna see if I can draw a circle. (The Nerd tries to draw a circle, but makes a square instead.) Aaahhhh! (He tries again, but makes a weird rectangle.) Ohhh, man! (He tries again, but makes another square.) (Growls in frustration) GAHH, FUCK!

The Nerd: That's it. (Draws a vaguely circle-like shape) With my best practice, that's the best circle I can possibly draw. I can draw rounder shapes on an Etch-a-Sketch. That's my best spiral (draws a spiral), that's my best person (draws a stick man).

The Nerd: I'm not jokin' around; the controls are SO bad, that's the best I can do! (Zooms in on the people on the "LJN Video Art" box) Look at the family on the box. What could they possibly be so overjoyed about? "Look, look, Mom! Yeah, I drew a FUCKIN' LINE!"

(The Nerd draws a weird object in a panda's hand, but fails.)

The Nerd: Ugh... Can you even tell what I'm tryin' to do here? I'm tryin' to give the panda a bottle of beer. I can't even make a visual joke here. This game gives me nothing to work with. Let's try to color in the nose. (He tries to position the cursor on the panda's nose, but it flies out.) I can't even land the cursor inside the nose! Ah... uh... uhhh... ah...! And when you're pressing down and rocking the joystick around like this... it squeaks!

(The joystick squeaks as the Nerd rocks it.)

The Nerd: Auugh! (Groans) Auuuuughhh, that's AWFUL! This is worse than the static, and this you can't turn down. So, guess you gotta get some really strong earmuffs. (The Nerd puts on headphones)

The Nerd: And just to add insult to injury, on the box, the panda is colored in perfectly. How can you market it as a coloring program when there isn't even a way to color anything in? (Sighs) Ugh... Shouldn't there be a paint-bucket tool? That's the most basic thing. Why is there no paint-bucket tool? Even Color a Dinosaur, which I thought was the worst coloring game ever made - even THAT had a paint-bucket tool. This makes Color a Dinosaur look amazing. I've made better drawings as a kid in Microsoft Paint. (Shows pictures which he drew as a kid on Microsoft Paint) Seriously, these are my actual drawings as a kid, done in Microsoft Paint.

The Nerd: Does LJN Video Art have ANY good aspects? Well, I guess you can change the color of the pen. You can change the color of the background. You can erase... (begins to erase) one pixel at a time! This is the worst thing ever. Etch-a-Sketch is better than this, and that doesn't even need electricity or forks to screw in your TV.

The Nerd: You can give it the benefit of it being 1987 and one of the first of its kind. Later, there were games like Art Alive! on the Sega Genesis which was pretty cool, and Wacky Worlds Creativity Studio, which came with a mouse. But the one I have the most fond memories of, is Mario Paint on Super NES.

(Shows footage of "Mario Paint" on the SNES)

The Nerd: You can draw either free style or with a coloring book, with plenty of different pens, brushes, colors and patterns to work with. But it wasn't just about what you can do, but more about the overall presentation of it. For example, they give you so many creative ways to erase the drawing. (The picture is erased in different ways, like a video tape being rewinded.) It's unnecessary, but it's cool. Even the Save feature, which takes an insane amount of time just to save one shitty drawing, is still cool, because you get that catchy beat to make the time fly by.

(The Nerd bobs his head to the beat.)

The Nerd: The sound effects are so enjoyable. I mean, it's awesome just the way when you click on the different color sets, it goes higher in pitch. (The noise it makes when you click on the different color sets goes higher in pitch every time he clicks it.)

The Nerd: You can do simple animation, make music... ("Mario Paint"-made music plays) ...even play a Fly Swatter game, and with the Super NES mouse, this was a fun experience. You can even mess around with the title screen. (The Nerd messes with the title screen, clicking on letters and even making it explode.) Looking back, it's not a very useful program. You can't do a whole lot with it compared to computer programs today, but what made it great, was the presentation. It made doing the most simple tasks a lot of fun.

LJN Video Art is not fun at all. It's a disaster. No human being should ever have the misfortune of playing this. And yes, the styrofoam was more interesting. It doesn't even qualify as a video game console, but it... comes with cartridges, so I guess... technically, it is a video game console! Well then it's the worst video game console OF ALL TIME! LJN has really outdone themselves this time! The only thing worse would be to play it on the Roll & Rocker! Yeah, imagine that.

So, this concludes this marathon of crap. Twelve shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but, I do know that, the things of yesterday that were worthless, you've all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're havin' a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one... whatever the case, I... just want to bring you some joy. Uh, hopefully you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, um, because it's that time of year where everybody, make happy! Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!

Kyle Justin: ♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls. He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪

(The Nerd tries to play "LJN Video Art" while standing on the Roll & Rocker, but loses his balance and falls on the couch. The Nerd gives it two middle fingers before he kicks it and the screen goes black, then the episode ends.)