Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki

HyperScan - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 131

(Day 10 of the 12 Days of Shitsmas. The Nerd opens up the 10th gift to reveal the HyperScan console along with some trading cards.)

The Nerd: Looks like we're in for a treat today: the HyperScan by Mattel, the same company that made the Intellivision, and the Power Glove. They also made every toy from He-Man to Barbie. LJN made toys. Hm.

The Nerd: Let's see how this piece of shit holds up. It was released in 2006. It's hard to believe a specimen like this would exist at a time when Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii were the current gaming consoles. (Inserts X-Men CD into the HyperScan) Nobody ever talked about this one. Let's find out why.


The Nerd: The instructions are blinking. That's annoying. (The Nerd tries to read the blinking instructions) Player 1... scan your... character card. You have to scan cards to make the game go? Having a disc isn't enough? How 'bout a character select screen? That would've been fine.

The Nerd: Scan. (tries to scan the Wolverine card) Scan, you bastard! (The instructions tell the Nerd to scan a mod card as well) Scan a mod card now? What's with all these cards? Just start the fucking game! Goddamn!

(The screen loads, and there's a timer at the bottom of the screen to show how long it takes. During this time, the Nerd continues talking.)

The Nerd: The cards were sold separately, so the idea was to combine card collecting with video gaming. Yeah - how 'bout fuckin' Pogs too? The fact that you always need to be scanning cards means you have to keep the game console on your lap, calling back to the Atari 2600 days, where all the switches were on the console.

(The game is still loading.)

The Nerd: It's STILL loading. HyperScan... yeah, it's really hyper.

(While the game is still loading, the Nerd looks around the room with "Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy" playing in the background. He first sees the broken fluorescent light back when the Nerd fought Bugs Bunny in the Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle episode. Next, he looks at the vomit and shit-covered Toxic Crusaders cartridge from the Toxic Crusaders episode. The Nerd looks at it in disgust. Then he stares at the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde T-shirt and poster in anger. Finally, the game finally starts after 1:02;23 [one minute, two seconds and 23 milliseconds] of loading time.)

The Nerd: After a long load process that's only rivaled by the Commodore 64, the game finally starts.

The Nerd: Well, it's a fighting game. A very average one. Average for the early '90s, but this is much later. At least you can say it's better than Shaq Fu.

(The Nerd defeats his opponent, and he has to scan a card to finish off his opponent. The Nerd tries to slash at it, but no luck)

The Nerd: "End it". I guess you're supposed to do some kind of finishing move. If only I had the card. I guess "Finish him!" is already taken, so let's call it "End it!" Then you wait through another load screen just to see the character stats, then it's another load screen just to select the character, and then yet ANOTHER load screen before the next fight starts!

The Nerd: Three, fucking, load screens between matches!

Marvel Heroes[]

The Nerd: Next up, let's try Marvel Heroes. You can already tell that the HyperScan was all about Marvel. Here, you can apparently take control of Avenger characters as well as X-Men, depending which cards you own. It's a standard side-scrolling action game. The graphics and sound are fair enough, but the control is kinda slippery. Like you're running on grease. The attacking is delayed and the hit detection is terrible. UUNNNHHH! COME ON! HIT 'EM! HIT 'EM!

The Nerd: I also find it hilarious that if you hang on to the side of a building, everybody jumps at you like dogs after a cat in a tree! There were much better games of this variety on Sega Genesis. Nothing to see here folks.

Interstellar Wrestling League[]

The Nerd: Then there's Interstellar Wrestling League. It's strangely quieter than the other games. I've never encountered that issue before where the games have inconsistent volume. (turns up the volume on his TV) Even the scanning is inconsistent. This time, it seems like I have to hold the card in place, instead of swiping it. ("My face!")

The Nerd: Here we have a humorous fighting game with controls way more awkward than X-Men. It sort of reminds me of ClayFighter with its comedic elements, but instead of being charming, it comes off as just plain weird.

The Nerd: Besides, why are they calling it wrestling when they're not even wrestling?

(His opponent transforms into a cheeseburger, much to the Nerd's disbelief.)

The Nerd: And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

Ben 10[]

The Nerd: At last, we have Ben 10, based on the TV series.

(The Ben 10 theme song plays so loud, the Nerd covers his ears and quickly lowers the volume.)

The Nerd: It's another side-scroller. You take control of Ben and using the different cards, you can transform into different alien creatures. (notices a white rectangular box that resembles a Wii) By the way, what's that, a Nintendo Wii?

The Nerd: I like the concept. The graphics and character animations are great. This game could've been good! Almost awesome, but half the time you're not even playing the game. You're just waiting through text boxes. Use the jump button to jump over the rock? This game treats you like an idiot! You can't do anything!

The Nerd: Every step you take, the game pauses and another text box comes up. It's like Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, but multiplied a thousand times! It's like they took the most annoying part of one game, and made it the whole game 20 years later. This game is so recent, it came out after I already critiqued Simon's Quest. Couldn't anybody learn? I was already eleven episodes in by the time this shit hit the market in October 2006.

The Nerd: The text boxes can freeze you in mid-air as you're tryin' to jump over a hole. When it unfreezes, you lose your momentum and fall to your death! I'm trying to jump! Leave me alone! Let me play the game! I can't read it anyway because they somehow put the text on the background layer. How did somebody let this get so fucked up? These text boxes are your worst enemy, and unholiest of gaming nightmares. (dies) FUUUCK!

The Nerd: You know I played almost the entire library for it. There's also a Spider-Man game that I don't own, but, that's five games. They made five games total for this piece of garbage. That's less games than the Virtual Boy! Well, at least it's not as bad as the R-Zone. HyperScan... Hyper fuckin' shit.

(The Nerd reaches for the Day 11 gift as the episode ends.)