(The Nerd is sitting at his Commodore 64)
The Nerd: This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. I usually stick to consoles, and I don't usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not the worst game ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration.
The Nerd: It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after all the E.T.'s and Jekyll and Hyde's, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out.
(The Nerd puts the "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing" CD into his Commodore 64 disk drive.)
The Nerd: Alright, let me grab the mouse here. OK... Pick the truck... Yeah, that's fine... Pick the course. Alright. Loading...
(The Nerd waits for the game to load)
The Nerd: And... the race begins.
(He drives the truck forward and notices that he can pass through buildings. He looks confused. He drives up the terrain, not slowing down one bit. He looks even more confused. He drives through trees and now looks shocked. He drives up and down the terrain and finally looks at the camera.)
The Nerd: So... what are the complaints here? (He hesitates) This is AWESOME!
The Nerd: Oh, look at this! Look-look-look-look at me! Look at me! Go-go-go-go! (Exclaims excitedly) Yeah! Your truck passes through everything! I haven't found one thing that stops you! Not even the hills slow you down! This is one Hell of a truck! It's invincible!
(The Nerd chuckles)
The Nerd: How could you not love a game where there's no rules? I'm not even trying to play the race, I'm just trying to find as many things to drive through as possible. You're a ghost trucker. Are you Large Marge?
The Nerd: The only thing I can sort of hit is a downed helicopter. Up we go again. (He chuckles) Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. "Over the road" is right! It's my way or the highway! And the highway ain't got shit.
The Nerd: Oh, my God. (laughs) My God. (The truck drives up the side of a hill) Look at this. You can go almost at a 90-degree slope. In fact, the slopes seem to make you go even faster! Yes, the truck is giving gravity the middle finger, and actually accelerating up the hill! Nothing inhibits your control. You can slow down to a dead stop and then go backwards as you please. The truck just hangs out wherever it wants! It clings to the mountains like Spider-Man!
(The Nerd drives through a bridge)
The Nerd: No. That didn't happen. (He reappears through the bridge on the other side) Oh, there it is! (laughs) I need to see that again. (He drives through the bridge again) Oh my God. What happens if I turn? (He makes a turn) I'm under the bridge. And the bridge is levitating. And the ground is going apeshit. And I just realized there's no water! As if the river dried up. Is this glitchy stuff supposed to be the water? It's as if the water is trying to exist, but can't.
The Nerd: I'm not trying to find glitches. It just so happens the whole game is a glitch. Look at this picture here! The hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck, and the bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are so close to touching the ground, but don't.
(He drives up a hill and sees his opponent standing still)
The Nerd: The fuck was that? (looks at his opponent) Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That is the purpose of the game.
The Nerd: It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers forget to make the trucks move?!
The Nerd: Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eeeh... (He succeeds) Yeah! That's some fine work. (He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)
The Nerd: Alright, let's go in reverse. (The Nerd drives in reverse and is shocked to find that he continues to accelerate infinitely. He drives off the map) Um, Ladies and Gentlemen... the truck has left the game. The game is so fucking bad they programmed a way to escape it! And it's not a secret trick or anything like that. All you have to do is keep driving in one direction, and soon enough, you're in limbo.
The Nerd: But wait, w-w-wait. Let me comprehend one thing at a time here. Alright? First of all... Why does the truck go faster in reverse than it does going forward? It seems like it accelerates infinitely. How many times have I rolled the speedometer over? I must be going a thousand miles per hour right now, in reverse, in a big-ass truck!
The Nerd: I'm so far away, I can't even find my way back to the game. I've never been this far outside the boundaries of a video game. How did they let you do that?? Even in the shittiest games I've ever played, even they stop you when you reach the gray wall of nothing. Even LJN games don't do this shit.
The Nerd: This is the most unstable game I have ever played in my life, and would you believe that the copy I own is a more recent version of the game?! Yeah, the version that most people have played is commonly found on the Internet, and is even less functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game, not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go.
(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: "You're Winner!" He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering)
The Nerd: Oh, no. NO. (laughs humorously) Ohh, no! NO! (laughs even more humorously)
The Nerd: "You're Winner!" is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular Internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to "You win!" Disappointing, I know.
The Nerd: But there's at least one other version of this game. A newer one, version... 3, as far as my knowledge goes. But, anyway, this one has a major advancement. Really big. Check this out.
(He starts the race, and the opponent actually moves.)
The Nerd: The other truck moves. Wow. No shit. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just so we can see what happens. I hope it says "You're a lose" or something like that. Here we go.
(He crosses the finish line, but the game still says "You win!" and nothing else. He looks confused.)
The Nerd: What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. (Freeze-frames on the opponent just barely touching the finish line)
The Nerd: In other words, you can't lose. Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing? But hey, the truck moves! So, maybe this enhancement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage? At best.
The Nerd: These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws that would already be enough to fill any shitty game. Most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors, and they look like somebody made them in Photoshop with the basic brush tool. Want me to prove it? (The Nerd opens Photoshop on his computer, and draws two red dots using the brush tool. They look exactly like the tail lights on the back of the truck.) There ya go.
The Nerd: The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colors that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, trucks are referred to as cars, the Ultranav points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order, and what the fuck is Ultranav anyway?!
The Nerd: The timer goes outside the box, and on top of all that, the box that the game comes in is a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, "You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law." "Deliver your load to its destination."
The Nerd: What are they talking about? That never happens. Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game delivers a load, alright. (angrily) A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT! I'LL DELIVER A LOAD ALL OVER THIS FUCKING GAME! It's not even a game. It doesn't even count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose, but you can't! It's nothing but win! "You're winner!" It's like the game feels sorry for you!
(The Nerd drinks from a Rolling Rock bottle)
The Nerd: This is not even close to a finished game, if you can call it a game. It's the worst game ever made. And I've played a lot- what is this, Episode 118? So, that is a big statement, but I'm dead fucking serious. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no, no. It's not as bad an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all-time low.
(The Nerd drinks more Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: You can't release something that's not finished. Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, "Yeah, that's OK. Put that out."?
The Nerd: There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think "Maybe there's still some work left to do?"
The Nerd: By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did.
The Nerd: This is the box. It came in a box, and it was rated by the ESRB. Somebody from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating. I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at it and thought "Wow! This is SHIT! But, 'E.'"
The Nerd: Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank.
The Nerd: They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like? Hmm.
(He imagines a TV commercial for "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing." A fake commercial for Big Rigs plays, with a tough-looking Nerd narrating.)
Trucker: Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
Voice over: It's Big Rigs!
Trucker: Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got trucks! Yeah... trucks!
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Over the Road Racing! Above the road, under the road, who knows?
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
Voice over: With Big Rigs!
Trucker: Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way!
Voice over: When you're Big Rigs!
Trucker: Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
Voice over: Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs!
Trucker: Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
Voice over: BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS!!! Big Rigs.
The Nerd: Well, there's one last thing to find out: How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits.
(He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly)
The Nerd: The truck's fucking the ground!
(The Nerd feels like he's traveling at the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes more high pitched. He covers his ears.)
The Nerd: That noise! That noise, how high can it go?!
(His cat, Boo, looks up as The Nerd continues to struggle with the noise, and Boo sits up)
The Nerd: Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid!
(In the vortex are faint figures of Darth Vader, Winnie the Pooh, Spock, Frylock and Miss Piggy)
The Nerd: (Shouting barely audible) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!
(he releases the reverse key. The truck comes to an instant stop and the Nerd goes flying backwards.)
The Nerd: WHOOOAAAA...! (Crashes and groans, then his cat Boo watches as he crashes into his video collection)
The Nerd: Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!