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ALF (Sega Master System) Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 123

(Day 2 of "Twelve Days of Shitsmas". The Nerd opens up a present to reveal the ALF video game. The Nerd looks at the game in shock.)

The Nerd: Aw, no. It's ALF on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet.

Ah, yes. The loveable Alien Life Form, ALF, or Gordon Shumway, who crash-lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family. Not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (mentioning the FBI agents) These guys are creepy. They look like pedophiles. Perverts. Child molesters! The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying, "Come on, ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt ya, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass."

(The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) Get out of my kitchen you FUCKIN' SICKO! (ALF attempts to jump on the FBI agent, but he dies instead) What kinda town is this where there's a pedophile on every block in broad daylight?! (ALF gets hit by a biker) Half the population is bike riders who don't know how to pick a lane. You'll never have time to get out of their way. ALF happens to be near-sighted; in other words, the screen doesn't move until you're about a third from the edge, so the best possible chance you'll have to see what's comin' up, is to do this awkward walk-stop-walk-stop.

(The Nerd stares in shock after ALF is hit by a bike before turning his attention to the camera)

How? How? How did I die? I wasn't even on the same plane as him. Did my foot overlap or something? Even the laws of three-dimensional space don't apply. (Red box appears around the biker) You simply can't be anywhere near this box. The graphics are forgivable, but why is it that every time ALF turns around he disappears for a brief instant? (As ALF turns around, he disappears for a second.) The game can't keep up! It's like: "Oh-oh-oh, wait-wait-wait, you're turnin' around? Okay - wait - hold on. (The Nerd imitates the game turning ALF around) Okay."

You wanna know what I think of the sound effects? I can't tell you that. You know why? There are no fuckin' sound effects! Even Atari 2600 had sound effects. Here, all you get is this rotten music. (The Nerd scowls and nods while listening to the music) Get used to that. Somehow there happens to be a big hole in the wall in the Tanners' basement, and it leads to a cave full of bats. Geez Tanners, you think you might wanna do somethin' about that hole? Ya can't miss it! It's right at the bottom of the steps! Why would that be there?! Needless to say, you have no energy bar. One-hit deaths. So, try getting past these bats, j-j-just fuckin' try, j-j-just fuckin' try it! (ALF is killed by the bats) Ducking hardly helps at all. He isn't much lower. Isn't the whole point of ducking to get down low? Instead, ALF does this awkward half-squat. Looks like he's gettin' ready to dump ass.

(The Nerd makes a straining noise and ALF shits out a turd)

Yeah, I just hit number two. (The Nerd hits the 2 button on the Master System controller.) The one-hit deaths is the main fatal flaw here. You could be halfway through the cave, and then all of a sudden something slightly touches you, and then it's all the way back to the beginning. There's a total of five lives. One continue, another five lives, and then it's all over. No more continues, no more saves, no passwords, no nothing! It's like "good fuckin' luck, asshole!" If you can progress any further in this game, you have more patience than me.

(The "Game Over" screen is shown)

"Do you wish to continue playing?" I love how the first choice is "No". They knew nobody would ever play this piece of shit more than once! The only replay value I can think of, is to do this. (ALF is shown doing the half-squat as the FBI agent approaches him, grabbing at the air) Yeah. Hey-hey, pervert. Hey, y-you want this, pervert, right-right? Ha-ha! You fuckin'... you dirty old man! You fuckin'... sicko! (imitates ALF) Willie! HA! HA! (The Nerd grabs the Day 3 gift.)