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The Nerd: Five years, Pat. Five fuckin' years, you've been subjecting yourself to a marathon of pain, playing all these shitty games! Sure, it's for charity, but I think more so it's because you're a masochist, and you love playing this shit. And worst part of all, you drag me into it every year! Well, I'm doing it for charity and not for you, ya fuck. So, what do you got for me this time? Another good game, huh? Adventure Island. To be specific, Hudson's Adventure Trademark Island. I played this game a lot as a kid. I rented it all the time, and it's, uh, yeah! You kinda did pick a good one this time, although it's hard as shit, and it is gonna be an adventure! An adventure of ASS!

(The Nerd inserts the game cartridge in the Nintoaster and turns it on.)

The Nerd: What kind of name is Adventure Island? It's the most common name for a water park. Look at that bug-eyed bitch boy. He's runnin' like he's got dump in his draws. His name's Master Higgins. Master Higgins. What kind of name is that? Not Higgins from Magnum, P.I.!

(The Nerd puts down the NES controller. He grabs a laptop and searches "Magnum, P.I." on Google.)

The Nerd: (reading from laptop) "Magnum, P.I. is an American television series starring Tom Selleck as Thomas Magnum, a private investigator," okay...

(He closes the laptop and picks up the NES controller.)

The Nerd: Come on, Pat, you know I don't know TV! The object of the game is to rescue a kidnapped princess on a South Pacific Island. Yeah, real original concept. I wonder if she looks anything like him. Higgins has to get through each stage by taking out island creatures like birds, snakes, snails, and frogs. And it's so peaceful! It's so deceiving! It's like you're in some kind of relaxing fantasy land! Things that don't look deadly at all, all come and kill you! He even trips over a rock! His weapon is throwing an axe that he got from an egg. That's right, power-ups are in eggs.

They hatch from eggs! The axe was inside an egg that was inside a chicken's... egg hole! Pat wrote that part. Blame Pat. No-no-no-no, that was me, that was me. There's some pretty interesting omelets being made on Adventure Island. I like an axe omelet! I like my axes over medium, scrambled axes- Okay, okay, that's enough. The controls are standard but a little slippery because they're momentum based. It's not bad. So far there's not much to complain about. So far.

You see that health bar up there? That health bar gradually depletes, so think of it more like a game timer. The only way to keep it from draining and killing Higgins from starvation is to collect fruit that appears along the way. It's a gimmick to keep the player moving, and it's annoying as hell! Why not just put a timer on the level? Is Higgins that fucking hungry that he can't go 60 seconds without eating an apple or banana? Why does he need to eat so much? Why can't he pack some snacks in his dumb shorts? Some beef jerky or a PowerBar, maybe? Like this PowerBar I have, that's all smashed up because Pat gave it to me at Comic Con like three or four years ago?

Don't get me started on the skateboard. If you crack an egg and get this, Higgins gets the ability to travel faster, but it's constantly in motion! You can't stop it, which makes the platforming parts more difficult to navigate. It's almost as bad as the skateboard in Back to the Future! But at least Higgins is being safe by wearing a helmet and pads. Wait, where the hell did the skateboard even come from? This is the Stone Age here! Did the professor from Gilligan's Island make the skateboard and somehow jam it inside the egg?

The Nerd: (with his mouth full) I know Gilligan's Island! (eats PowerBar) Oh, it's a bee! It's a bee! Kill it! Kill it! Ungh! Ungh! Mmngh! That motherfucker! Stupid fuckin' bee! Ah... Oh, I see, it allows you to continue. I knew that! You know, Pat, I really don't know what the point of this fuckin' game is... unless... hmm... Ahh, I see! Now it's so clear!

This game is a brilliant historical allegory for imperialism and colonial expansion in the Pacific in the 1800's Yeah! The island's frogs, birds, and snakes represent the native inhabitants defending their freedom and cultural heritage from the foreign invaders, looking to dominate their Island both politically and economically! The invaders' technology and powers, represented by Higgins skateboarding, was just too much for the simpler societies to defend against. The island natives eventual loss was inevitable. It's not just a platformer! This game is a college history lesson on the NES!

Or... it's just an average fuckin' game, that is favored by Pat because it has a stupid fuckin' bee! The Hudson bee, you love that fuckin' bee! You're a Hudson sucker! Yeah! You know, I'd rather have that bee sting my balls a thousand times! I'd rather suck fuckin' honey out of the fuckin' Hudson bee's asshole! Fuckin' Pat.  Alright, well... good luck with your charity, and... you know what? I hope you get stranded on a fuckin' island. Adventure Island. Bring some PowerBars, you fucker.