The Nerd: What happens when you take a movie, turn it into a show and then turn it into a game? Well, let's take a look at the case of The Toxic Avenger. It was a movie by Troma Entertainment, full of violence and bloodshed, people's intestines being ripped out, a child's head being run over by a car, and tits. It was low class, it was foul, it was despicable, and it was fucking great!
The Nerd: So what would you do with a movie like that? Well, turn it into a children's cartoon show, of course! The Toxic Crusaders. Then there were comic books, there were toys, and video games. And how you think those games were, huh? You think they were good? (chuckles slightly then frowns) Yeah. They sucked. These games were more vile than the toxic waste that spawned Toxie himself, and that's what happens when you go from hit to shit.
The Nerd: What about Lloyd Kaufman, creator of The Toxic Avenger? What would he think? Well, guess what? He's sitting here right next to me.
(Cut to Lloyd Kaufman looking at the Nerd and then looking to his right)
The Nerd: You!
Lloyd Kaufman: (mutters and exclaims) Greetings from Tromaville!
The Nerd: Lloyd Kaufman from fuckin' Troma is here! This is the first time we've had a creator here in the room!
Lloyd Kaufman: And Lloyd Kaufman is one of my favorite directors, Nerd. How about you? How about you?
The Nerd: Yeah, uh-huh! We got some filth here that you gotta try out because you just need to feel the pain and suffering of every child in the early 90's, inadvertently caused by your creation.
Lloyd Kaufman: (yells) No!
The Nerd: You gotta do it!
Lloyd Kaufman: Get me out of slow motion. I can't get...
The Nerd: (motions) There. (grunts) Regular speed. I do this all the time, you gonna have to feel the torture.
Lloyd Kaufman: Alright, actually I'm a sadomasochist, so no problem.
The Nerd: That works out.
The Toxic Crusaders (Game Boy)
The Nerd: First up, The Toxic Crusaders Game Boy game.
Lloyd Kaufman: Wow, this is so exciting, I love this!
The Nerd: It's just an average sidescrolling shooter. There's not much to say. You play as characters from the show, firing off sonics, nuts, or throwing microscopes at people. Who the hell throws Microscopes at people?
Lloyd Kaufman: Nerd, Nerd, Nerd, that is not a microscope. That is actually a replica of Taylor Swift, and that's the thing with Troma: we're movies of the future we, we anticipate.
The Nerd: Ah, I see it, I see.
Lloyd Kaufman: You see?
The Nerd: No, I don't see it. How'd you like this part when you go down the hill and get all jittery? Like it's a delay and...
Lloyd Kaufman: The downhill thing is very symbolic. It's all downhill just like my career.
The Nerd: How do ya like the graphics? The backgrounds are filled with garbage cans and toilets. Sums up this game perfectly.
Lloyd Kaufman: What you don't know, Nerd, is, they cut out the best parts of these backgrounds; we had come-rags, we had used tampons, and those toilets themselves came directly from the set of Steven Spielberg's A.I. We got a good deal.
The Nerd: I take it he doesn't like A.I.
Lloyd Kaufman: I love A.I., look at those toilets!
The Nerd: Okay, so maybe you can explain this. What is dripping out of that tree?
Lloyd Kaufman: Nerd, that's called subtlety. In that tree is Tromy, the nuclear rodent. He's got diarrhea. G- come on man, get with it!
The Nerd: Now I know. Ok, so maybe you could tell me, what's going on with the clouds here? And the other cloud that's pissing on you, what's going on there? Is it a different to the other ones?
Lloyd Kaufman: Please, leave my personal life out of this... if you don't mind. This is a historic. It is the first use in a video game of a golden shower, until the Mary Kate and Ashley, er, Olsen twins' video game.
The Nerd: I have not played those, maybe I'll have to try 'em now. What're you talkin' about?!
The Nerd: Why's there always gotta be bats?!
Lloyd Kaufman: Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, th-these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager in Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. (The Nerd covers his face with his hands and tries not to laugh) And-and-and th-that's what this is all about, man!
The Nerd: Yeah, how'd ya like this, World 2-4, World 2-5 and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land in the time it -
Lloyd Kaufman: What are ya talking about? You want something to take a long time to beat? It'd take me a long time to beat off to Justin Bieber, man!
The Nerd: Takes a long time.
Lloyd Kaufman: Long? My penis is pretty damn long right now, (the Nerd laughs in the background) and I'm not even flaccid.
The Nerd: Look at all the Zs on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. Like going to sleep.
(Lloyd starts snoring)
The Nerd: Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
Lloyd Kaufman: Ah, where am I?! (whimpers)
The Toxic Crusaders (Sega Genesis)
The Nerd: Well, that was the Game Boy version. Just the warm-up. Now let's try the Sega Genesis version. The first stage really drops you off with a bang: a car continuously runs you over.
Lloyd Kaufman: Get me! C'mon, run me over! Head-crushing! Just like Toxie, the movie!!
The Nerd: All right, gimme that-
Lloyd Kaufman: Toxic Crusaders, Toxic Cru-
The Nerd: (snatches controller off him) Give me that!! I'll take over. Well as you can tell, it's just another beat'em'up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it... have so many colors?
Lloyd Kaufman: Well the chopper's made out of a tie, and it's tie-dyed. That's why it has so many colors.. (struggling) Give me that, give me that (grunta)! I want the... (grunts)!
The Nerd: What about the music? Couldn't they have something a little more upbeat, action-packed?
Lloyd Kaufman: (removing jacket) I love it. I love it. It makes me want to strip, Nerd. I want to take my clothes off.
The Nerd: (motions to restrain him) Okay, okay...
Lloyd Kaufman: Oh, I love this music.
The Nerd: I died by touching water? Why would water kill Toxie? You gotta admit, that's... pretty fucked up.
Lloyd Kaufman: Toxie is the great-great-granddaughter of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, who as you remember, dissolved when water touched her.
The Nerd: Interesting fun-fact..
Lloyd Kaufman: Hey! (Exclaims questionably)
The Nerd: You know, what I don't get... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Lloyd hits himself in the head) Maybe he's so dirty that the water kills him because it cleans him.
The Nerd: But then again, he's got the mop he's all about cleaning and his catchphrase in the game is "It's Clean-Up Time!". So, really, he's just a big contradiction of himself!
Lloyd Kaufman: You used the word "dick" and I don't think that's very polite. (Nerd laughs) Yin and yang. Dirt and clean, they're together in the Yin-Yang... symbol. Very profound. See? That's the trouble, you know. You need the old drunk... I mean an old- older, mature man like me to explain this to you.
The Nerd: Yes, this game is very psychological.
Lloyd Kaufman: Freud you.
The Nerd: You know what? Freud this game!
The Nerd: You know, what's really annoying is this yellow Pac-Man ballsac that's always bouncing around and following Toxie. Why do you need that? You can whack it every now and then with the mop -
Lloyd Kaufman: That's Blobbie, man! That's Blobbie, Toxie's pet! He's very important, and, and by the way, a little film-fact behind the scenes. You know how we made Blobbie for the movie? We took my ballsac, we made a cast of my ballsac, and, and we got Blobbie, it, it did pull off my pubic hair, which is very painful, but you folks out there, in Videoland, can make your own damned Blobbies. And you could be just like George Lucas, sell them at Burger King!
The Nerd: Ugh, I hate these parts where you keep falling off!
Lloyd Kaufman: You, you'd better watch out, Nerd, you're gonna have a second piss-slit... Th-th-That's no joke.
The Nerd: (yells) Fuck! (Grunts) There's no way to know what's ahead of you!
Lloyd Kaufman: Sure there is. You jump and you die! (in undertone to us) I want to blow my fuckin' brains out if you know what I mean. (while pointing at The Nerd)
(the Nerd laughs slightly but dies and gets a Game Over in The Toxic Crusaders on Sega Genesis)
The Toxic Crusaders (NES)
The Nerd: So, that's the gist, but now, onto our feature presentation. If you took all the things that were bad about the Game Boy version and the Genesis version, threw them together into one big vat of toxic waste, out would come the NES version. Oh, yeah.
Lloyd Kaufman: And it is tox-o-riffic!
The Nerd: Yeah.
(puts the cartridge into the Nintoaster and then the title screen starts to glitch up)
The Nerd: Oh, man, it's glitchin' up.
(the game freezes and the Nerd removes the cartridge)
The Nerd: Gotta blow the dust out. (he blows the dust out) Here. Blow it. This game already blows.
Lloyd Kaufman: You know, you know, Nerd, I got some, uh, dust in my asshole. Could you, uh, blow it out? J-just for about 30 seconds. It would really help the game.
The Nerd: (repulsed) What the fuck?!
(They get to the game.)
The Nerd: Toxie looks just like Raphael with the headband.
Lloyd Kaufman: Yeah, you know, you're right. He does, and in fact, Raphael did wear a headband when he and Tintoretto, we're, we're going paint-shopping, andm in fact, Da Vinci sold them the-the headbands, they, all three of them wore one. It's was really very nice in the Renaissance.
The Nerd: Your only weapon is the mop and you'll lose it after getting hit once. Since this is a beat'em'up game, your average time before you get hit is about 1.2 seconds. The first thing that happens, you start the game and whoosh! There goes the mop. Whoosh! There goes the mop.
Lloyd Kaufman: Wait, like it goes swoosh. You wouldn't complain about that, right? Whoosh, what's wrong with a little whoosh? Toxie loves whoosh.
The Nerd: Whoosh, whoosh.
Lloyd Kaufman: It's almost a whole history of whoosh.
The Nerd: Whoosh, whoosh.
Lloyd Kaufman: Think of yourself as a bad guy. You get hit a couple of times and you are dead. D-E-D. Dead. So, think about that, huh?
The Nerd: I never thought of that... but fuck 'em. Why even give the mop at all? It doesn't do anything special anyway. It's not like the sword in Zelda that shoots until you get hit the first time. No, the mop is just another basic short-range attack, you know. And for a guy whose motto is "It's Clean-Up Time," he sure doesn't clean up much. Look at all that waste he leaves lyin' around.
Lloyd Kaufman: What do you expect? He doesn't have his mop!
The Nerd: That's right. (Toxie dies after touching toxic waste) Wait, wait-wait-wait. Toxic waste kills him now? First water, but now toxic waste too?
Lloyd Kaufman: By the way, speaking of toxic waste, you want to have some irritable bowels, watch "The View."
The Nerd: I like how the music on the NES version is better than the 16-bit Genesis version. It's much more lively.
Lloyd Kaufman: Well, yeah. Well, it's the theme song from Toxic Avenger: Part 2.
The Nerd: That's right!
(They sing it; Lloyd mimes playing instruments)
The Nerd: Why is the attack so weak? Is there anything else you can do, is there any stronger attack? Try mashing buttons.
Lloyd Kaufman: Ha! The Select button is working great! Look at this!
The Nerd: Are you kidding me?!
Lloyd Kaufman: Yeah, look at this!!
The Nerd: Let me see that. Let me see that. (The Nerd takes the controller from Lloyd. He tries pressing Select and is bewildered by what he sees)
The Nerd: The Select button is the stronger attack.
Lloyd Kaufman: You sound like you might have a... Selection.
The Nerd: So, there's no reason to ever use the B button. Why would you do that?
Lloyd Kaufman: Well, I would use it if I wanted to kill people slowly.
The Nerd: Yeah. In other words, if you're an idiot.
Lloyd Kaufman: Well, B is for Bozo.
The Nerd: But, no. With all seriousness, there's one time when you'll use the B button. That's before you find out about the Select button.
The Nerd: Who uses the Select button? There's no other game that does that! The jump button and attack button should be right next to each other, but instead, you have to hop your thumb back and forth.
Lloyd Kaufman: Well, you don't have a mutated hand.
The Nerd: Maybe that would help. (pauses on accident) Oh, see that? That's me accidentally hitting the fuckin' pause button because I have to reach all the way across the controller. Or, you spread your fingers out like this. (a sort of claw-like position) You gotta do this! (that rock-on sign) But what game does that, when would you ever go like this?
Lloyd Kaufman: Come on, it's the mark of the devil!
The Nerd: Yeah, this game is the devil!
Lloyd Kaufman: Hey, come on. One in the pink, and one in the stink! Ha-ha! Here, you wanna smell?
The Nerd: (Yells in disgust) Whoever came up with the idea of hitting Select for attack can suck the piss out of a platypus' penis!
Lloyd Kaufman: Very good alliteration, boy, but, uh, I prefer sucking elves' penis myself.
The Nerd: (confused) Did you say elf or elk?
Lloyd Kaufman: Uh, both.
The Nerd: Okay, never mind.
Lloyd Kaufman: At the same time.
The Nerd: (undertone) Ah, whatever, it's only the 111th fuckin' episode. (normal) The big problem with the game is that it's just too hard. I beat Ghosts N' Goblins, Why can't I do this shit? The bad guys, they just keep coming! And the thing I hate about beat'em'ups like this is that you have to kill everybody you see. The screen stops moving until you clear all the enemies. It's not like in "Kung Fu" where you can just keep moving ahead and fight them at your own pace. It wouldn't be such a problem if the entire floor wasn't covered in toxic waste: at these awkward diagonal slants! So your jumping has to be very precise.
(struggles to play the game)
The Nerd: Fuck! (Grunts) Ass! (growls and passes controller to Lloyd) Alright, here! You give it a try!
Lloyd Kaufman: Let me try, come on.
(he has as much trouble)
Lloyd Kaufman: Fuck! Jumping Jesus on a... fucking pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Wee-wee! Doodie! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (Groans loudly) Fuck!
The Nerd: And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game, it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. (to Lloyd) And look, that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
Lloyd Kaufman: I spit on my name! (Makes spitting noises)
The Nerd: What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
Lloyd Kaufman: What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster) You want shit, (puts the game on the floor) you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, (drops his pants) here it comes, here it comes! (lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror) You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
The Nerd: UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! W-
(A nasty gurgle rises from the pit of his stomach, and he pukes on the game as Lloyd continuously shits on the game and laughs insanely, and the Nerd pukes more on the game and the pile of shit.)
Lloyd Kaufman: Eh, that'll teach you, you fucking game.