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The Making of an AVGN episode - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 102

James D. Rolfe: I'm gonna talk about what goes into makin' an AVGN episode. Now, since day one, fans have expressed genuine interest in what goes into making an episode, and many of you have asked perfectly legit questions on my site I think one of the reasons I held off on doing this for so long is because I kinda just take for granted that there is a lot that goes into making these videos. See, for me I don't really think about it that much, because I've made over a hundred episodes, and I've become very efficient at it. So, to me, it's like the same way I don't think about brushing my teeth. You know, I do it so many times.

James D. Rolfe: Uhm, my background is in film-making, so, to me, making game reviews is a much simpler process than making movies. So, I kinda forgot that, well, there is a lot that goes into making game reviews and, uhm, is actually so much that I could sit here for like three hours, and still, you know, there could be more things to talk about that I forgot to mention. Uhm, so, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna talk about the making of a simple episode. Ahm, really elaborate episodes like Crazy Castle, Ninja Gaiden, R.O.B. the Robot, those are like a whole other level production, so, uhm, but you can see the making of Crazy Castle on the bonus features on the AVGN volume 4 DVD.

James D. Rolfe: Anyway, I'm just gonna talk about the making of a basic Nerd episode from start to finish. I'm gonna document the whole process. Now, it's not gonna be, like a full episode, it's gonna be like a short sample of an episode. So, this is just a demonstration.

James D. Rolfe: Let's pick a game. Now, the whole fate of the video, whether it turns out good or not, it all depends on the choice of game. You know, it has to be bad, but it has to have some funny things to say about it and everything. Uhm, for some reason the ones that always turn out the best, I think, are the NES games. I don't know why, but it just seems like NES is like my safe zone. Now, there is two kinds of games. There is ones that I remember from my youth, and then there is ones that just I found out about. Like the Atari Porn games, for example. I didn't know about those when I was a kid. So, uhm, I had a hit list, you know, in the beginning, like just the list of all games I wanted to do. But then, there'll be new discoveries that come along all the time, you know, I get some requests and maybe, like the requests help steer my decision, you know, like all, all good episodes I've always wanted to do, like, you know, like Jaws is one, uhm, Fester's Quest, you know I wanted to do that from the beginning, but then, I'll find out about a game like Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, and it's like oh, wow, that'll make a good one.

James D. Rolfe: So, when I was doing these like two videos a month, like, I don't really have much time to pick a game, I had to, you know, just go to my list and go to the next one that was in line. But uhm, you know, it's better when I have more time to just sit around and play some of these games until I can decide which one will make the best video. It also depends a lot how many other video projects I'm working on at the moment, how busy my personal life is, uhm, like the R.O.B. the Robot video, for example, I knew that, that video was gonna take me a whole month to do. So, like, for now, for example, let's pick uhm, you know, Barbie. I mean, you know, you look, you look at this, and it's like OK, that's gotta be bad. You know, but we don't know till we play. Let's try.

James D. Rolfe: Now, while I'm playing the game, I'm also recording it because I record everything I play onto a DVD recorder. Every system I have here is connected to the DVD recorder, which of course goes to the TV so I can see it. How do you connect this many systems to one thing? It's a mess. It's not recommended, but what I do, a lot of them use coaxial cables, which suck. You can see, right over there, they all go into a splitter, which goes into the back of the VCR here, and then for all the ones that use the RCA composite video cables, they go into these different switchers. We have Switcher A, Switcher B, and Switcher C. Now, it's very hard to keep track of this, so that's why I have a chart, and this helps me keep track. Say, for example, I'd wanna play the CD-i, I don't know why I would ever want to play that again, but it would go into Switcher C, which would be set to 4, VCR would be set to Line 2, and the DVD-R would be set to Line 1. The AC adapters are an outstanding mess, I do not recommend this. You could risk an electrical hazard. But I've been doing it pretty safely because I have surge protectors, I never turn on more than one system at a time, and when they're not in use, I turn them off.

James D. Rolfe: No matter how simple, every video involves the same steps. Playing the game, writing the script, shooting the video and recording the voice-over, and editing the video. It's never been any different; you can't just hit "record" and have it all happen instantaneously. We can try it, though.

James D. Rolfe: OK, so Barbie loves reading about mermaids. OK, she's getting sleepy. Uh, see, I can't think of much to say about this. OK, so the game starts. Alright, she jumps pretty damn slow. There's a bunch of B's, there's a ball, with a fuckin' tennis racket, there's a little dog. Uhhhhh, I'm shittin' out baseballs. Uhm, there's Toucan Sam. Can't figure out how to get past the wall. I'm gonna throw a ball to Toucan Sam. Nothing's happening.

James D. Rolfe: See, this game is giving me some possibilities, but I'm not an improv kind of guy, so I can't just run through it like this and spit out creative gold. I gotta go through it and develop it some.

James D. Rolfe: So, at this point, I'm trying to decide whether or I wanna use this game or not for the video, and if I don't think it's working out, I'll give it 15 minutes and I'll turn it off and I'll try something else. If I think "Yeah, this is workable, I can do this," then that's when it goes from casual gaming to making a Nerd episode. So this is the point of no return. I'll get out my laptop or my notepad and I'll start writing down notes. What am I writing? Anything I think I might wanna use for the video. I come across something in the game, I'm like "Oh, I'm gonna wanna remember that," I write it down. And, um, a lot of times Mike is here and he'll be helping me out writing the notes. Sometimes I'll be playing and he'll be writing the notes so I don't have to keep pausing and doing double duty. Most of the time it's just me. I'm also writing down the time codes for everything that happens. You can see the timecode right on the DVD recorder. It's gonna be handy later to be able to find all these parts again because I might have hours and hours of footage and then I'll just gonna be scanning through, trying to locate this. So writing down the timecode and all that, it may seem like a lot of extra work at first, but in the long run, it's gonna save a lot of time.

James D. Rolfe: Now of course, as I'm playing the game, I'm recording it, and I'm recording my own authentic experience of playing through it, so, um, when you see me die in the game, I'm really dying. I don't pretend to do it like I used to, like in the Karate Kid video, I was deliberately running into enemies and dying on purpose, but I don't do that anymore. Now I make sure everything I play is authentic.

A big question is, "How long do I play the game?" Well, basically, once I have enough notes and enough material to work with, then the job's done. But I want it to feel complete. I don't always have to beat the game, but I want to make sure that I found everything in the game I think I wanna talk about, and I don't know what that is until I play it. If there's something later in the game, like if I know there's something at the end that I wanna show, sometimes I'll use a password or a code or something, but not very often because then I'll always regret missing something down the line. Like in the Ninja Turtles video, I didn't even show the Technodrome, and that was a big part of the game. So I always regretted that later on. So I never wanna feel like I'm missing anything. You know, this is all about playing the game authentic. A lot of people ask "Why don't I use emulators?" I know on emulators, from what I understand, there's ways to cheat and like skip through the game and stuff, but that's not the point, like I need to really play it. And I just couldn't see myself hunched over at a keyboard playing it. No, playing a game is sitting back on the couch with a controller in my hands. This is it, this is the real deal.

James D. Rolfe: Playing the game is the easiest part. Now comes writing the script. This is the most unpredictable phase of the whole production because it just depends on what kind of mood I'm in. I can just stare at a blank screen and I'm just not feeling creative and the ideas just aren't coming. So then usually I have to like, distance myself from it for a bit, go work on a different project or do something different, and then other times I'm not even trying and then the ideas will come when I'm not home or if I'm in bed, and I can't go to sleep until I write it down. So the writing process just depends on what kind of mood I'm in.

James D. Rolfe: So basically what I'm doing here, I'm taking all my notes and I'm putting them all into categories. I'm just organizing everything so that it's not just constant rambling. It actually has some kind of structure. Like I'll take all the parts where I'm talking about the graphics and I'll put that all in its own section. And I'll take the parts where I'm talking about weird enemies and I'll do the same for that. And I'll kind of structure the whole script so it has like a beginning, a middle and an end.

James D. Rolfe: Any research I need to do on the game, like if I wanna talk about the history behind it or anything important that you need to know, I do that now. Like if I wanna talk about Barbie, where Barbie came from or something, I do that now. Also, talking about the control of the game, like how it plays, like I don't wanna go too in depth, because if I describe the game too much I start to sound like an instructional manual. I want it to be funny too, but being funny is the hardest part because it has to come natural; I can't really force humor, you know. Let's just try this out. "What's the meaning behind Barbie dreaming about balls?" This has gotta be a ball joke.

James D. Rolfe: Swearing is an Angry Nerd tradition, I gotta keep that going. But it has exhausted its vocabulary. Words are words. My favorite parts are when the Nerd is not speaking; when it's all in the facial expressions. I always considered myself a visual artist, and never considered writing my best skill. But I just work at it until I think it's good. A lot of bad habits I have are tongue twisters, sentences that go on too long, unintentional rhyming, unintentional alliteration, words that repeat too often.

[Clip From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]

The Nerd: Every time you fall down, you have to walk through the entire room all over again. All the enemies come back so you have to fight everybody all over again.

James D. Rolfe: Whenever I use the same word a lot, like in the Ninja Gaiden video, in the original script I said "impossible" like five times, so I changed it and basically I proofread the script and then if I see a word repeated too often, I use a thesaurus, so I think using a thesaurus is very important. It helps a lot.

James D. Rolfe: So once I finish the script, it's time to record the voice-over. Equipment, nothing special: Samsung mike, about $50, op filter, about $30, and Alesis mixer, about a hundred. Voice-over is a required skill; you have to be able to act with your voice and you know be able to read it and make it sound natural. I used to have a full-time job doing corporate videos, and a big part of the job was doing voice-overs and directing many different narrators and lots of people had problems with it, so I saw what all the issues were and I learned through experience. But still, I'm not perfect.

James D. Rolfe: [Reading VO] What the hell is going on? And there's fish that flop... (clears throat) ...and there's fish that flop all over. Ugh...this is...ugh...this is actually way more difficult than I thought. Augh...FUCK!

James D. Rolfe: There are rare exceptions when I can't recreate an authentic reaction from the game like "augh, fuck, shit", you know, like sometimes I need to actually see the game to see what's happening, so for some of those parts I will actually, like, watch my footage while I'm recording it or play the game and try to record my voice-over as it's happening. So, it doesn't happen that often, but sometimes I'll do parts like that and do a little, like, improv.

James D. Rolfe: And the next step is the shooting. Notice how I put certain paragraphs in boldface. That's because these sections are intended for on-screen, meaning this is when you see the Nerd.

James D. Rolfe: So now it's time to shoot the video. Technically I could have done the voice-over after the shooting. You know, it doesn't really matter what order I do it in, but as you can see I have plenty of Nerd shirts because they get fucked up all the time. Blood stains, shit stains, missing buttons, whatever.

James D. Rolfe: As far as lighting goes, I've used all kinds of different things in the Nerd videos. Sometimes something as simple as a desk lamp with a piece of paper to soften it. And you know, I've used a pro light here on most of them, so whatever you want to use just try experimenting. I've used all kinds of different lighting setups in the Nerd videos and achieved all kinds of different results.

James D. Rolfe: All right, so now we're set up to shoot some Nerd. Uh, this is a Sennheiser microphone, about 500 bucks, uh, this one, this is my camera, I used to use a Panasonic DVX; I just switched to an HVX, which is what this is. Used, it was about three grand with batteries and everything. Now let's talk about how the audio works on this camera because I'm plugging it straight in. I don't have any, like, any advanced audio hardware or anything, so what I get on this microphone is a very shallow range. It's always too quiet or too loud, and, you know, you could adjust that in the editing, but there's only so much you can do. You want to try to get the audio right the first time when you're recording because if not, then you're raising the audio levels when it's quiet and then you get lots of background noise and then when it's loud and you bring it down it's still not going to help with distortion, you know, when the audio peaks it gets all muffled up. So basically this records on two separate tracks and you can see I have them both adjusted a little differently. So, this is where I adjust them. I'll have one set for when the Nerd is speaking normally, and then I'll have the other one set for when I'm shouting and that way in the editing, I can switch between the two tracks as needed.

James D. Rolfe: I'm gonna adjust this shot here. Sometimes I have friends helping out, but most of the time I'm a one-man crew. Just gonna focus this here. All right, gonna close down the iris, all right, and that should be pretty good. And...forgot the pens, almost. Actually, they're Sharpies, but you wouldn't believe how many times I shot takes and then realized I forgot the pens. Oh, yeah, it happens.

James D. Rolfe: So right now I'm rehearsing off the script because unlike the voice-over segments where I'm reading, this time I have to memorize it. Um, I choose not to use a teleprompter or anything like that. In fact, in the old days, I used to tape the script, like, over here, near the TV or wherever it was and I would just read off of it. So now I don't do that. I still look at the TV; like, I'm focused on the TV and then shift my attention to the audience here and there, but the script I just memorize it, and if I do forget some of the lines I'll give myself freedom to improvise here, so if I come up with something new on the spot I'll allow myself to do that. Just act in the moment.

James D. Rolfe: [Memorizing the script] Fucking Barbie. Plastic pink mall-shopping bimbo ball-craving bird-riding ghost-fighting fish-flopping psycho-dreaming hair-brained piece of shit. shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting... Fucking Barbie. You fucking pink plastic... Fuck this game. Fucking Barbie. You fucking pink plastic mall-shopping ball-brained fish-flopping, ball... [coughs]

James D. Rolfe: Now I'll get shots of the game cartridge or anything else I'll need. [Takes Barbie cartridge out of the Nintoaster and places it back in]

James D. Rolfe: Now we're up to the editing. Now the editing is a big part. I'm not going to give a whole editing class and teach you how to edit, but, lots of people asked what kind of editing software do I use? Well, use whatever works for you. But what I use is Final Cut Pro. That's what I've been using for the past 6 years or so. Before that I used Adobe Premiere, I've used Avid, but then I went Mac, and never went back.

James D. Rolfe: The first step is editing the voice-over, because the voice-over is the whole skeleton which you build on top over. The voice-over dictates the whole video. So, basically, what I'm doing here I'm cutting out all the pauses and all my mistakes, like, I'm gong to get rid of this take here. (VO: Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit.) I will stop it there, and, there it's gone, and (VO: Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit.) Usually the second take is better, um, like right here I can tell just by the wave form that this is two takes of the same thing, so I'm not going to bother to listen to the first one and save myself time so usually I just scrub through and then I just take it here and delete it. Of course I'm editing with one right hand now but still... (VO: And there's fish that flop... [clears throat]). Usually once I have the voice-over cut I'll start to adjust all the parts where I'm, like, you know, shouting and I want to keep the audio levels consistent. So I'm going to bring it up here when I'm talking softly and then when a part comes up where I'm, like, shouting, then I'll bring the volume down, you know, and then here, I'm kinda like, in between, so, I'll bring it up maybe there, and, you know, that's how it goes.

James D. Rolfe: So after I have the voice-over parts all edited, now I'm editing the visual portions, so I'm laying down all the game clips on top of the voice-over to match what I'm talking about so I'll cut it to the rhythm of my voice so that everything matches up. Let's see what I'm talking about here. (VO: There's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something.) Okay, so there's a part where a dog's attacking a piece of clothing or something, so, I could scrub through this footage. Where is that part? Where is, where is that? You know, this could be, like, say this was a normal situation where I have like maybe 2 hours of game footage, maybe even more, you know, like those Zelda CD-i videos, like each one of those was 7 hours each. So, you know, it could take a while to find that part and so that's why the time codes come in handy, so I'll bring up my time codes, and here we go. 15:20 I have "the dog ate the stocking or whatever" so now I'll go to 15:20. Okay, so I'm around here, and there we go.

James D. Rolfe: Now, say I make a reference to another game, like I need a clip from like just for example, like say, Terminator, then if I know I already have footage of the Terminator game or whatever it is I'm looking for, then I'll bring up this list I have here, and this is my archives. This is all the game footage I have recorded. It just goes on and on and on, so this could take forever to find it, so I'll just do a search like this. I'll do "Terminator", you know, and there we go. There's my Terminator clips. How do I find it? 5-59. So these are my archives, these big-ass books full of DVDs. So I got the book and page number, book 5, and page 59, and there it is. Like I said, I record every game I play, and it always comes in handy later. Like, say I want to show the ending of Super Metroid. That can take a long time to play, but, I already have it recorded.

James D. Rolfe: In the old days I used to record on VHS until I started taking this more serious.

James D. Rolfe: If I want to take a clip from a previous Nerd episode like Simon's Quest for the 9 millionth time, I can go on one of my hard drives and here I have instant access to all the Nerd episodes. And if I really need some old raw footage, I always have my old MiniDV tapes.

James D. Rolfe: So once you have all the clips where they're supposed to go, now we start the sound editing. So this is basically where we try to even out the game music with the voice-over so that everything sounds balanced. Like if you listen to it right now (Muffled VO: ...mall of fountains that shoot water up her dress. And there's fish that...) So you see it's like, you know, the music is too loud, so I'm going to bring it down, and, basically what I'm going to do here, the part where like I'm not speaking, if there's like a little pause, I will bring the music up so that, you know, the music will kinda like ramp up as I pause. So something like this: (VO: And there's fish that flop all over.) And I'm gonna do that to the whole thing. I'm gonna even out everything.

James D. Rolfe: One thing that gets really tricky about sound editing is trying to keep the music sounding like smooth. Like if you take a game like Super Pitfall, and, you hear the music... (Super Pitfall theme plays)'s awful; it repeats all the time, but you get that melody in your head and it actually sounds worse when it's been edited, because then it's all chopped up and sounds something like this ("edited" Super Pitfall theme plays and skips parts) so, you know, it's a little disorienting to the ears, especially if it's a game with a very recognizable tune like Michael Jackson's Moonwalker and you got all those Michael Jackson songs. It's like, you know, it just doesn't sound right when it's been edited.

James D. Rolfe:  So what I do in these situations is I try to look for the parts I don't really care much about like maybe this part. There isn't really any key sound effect there. There's no reason I need that so I'll get rid of that, and then I'll stretch this part out, you know, to fill it up. And then, you know, I might end up using, like some cross-dissolves and smooth it out a bit. So, it's basically like one big tricky puzzle just to make, you know, make the sounds as good as it can be.

James D. Rolfe: Now, the best solution to this, which is...way more time-consuming than it's worth, is actually to go back to the beginning of the game and record like one, like, constant music loop without any sound effects in it and then record all the sound effects clean like sometimes in the beginning of a game there is a sound test and you can get all the sound effects and then basically go back to all your edits and just lay down one constant music track that loops and then put all the sound effects back in. It solves the problem, but it is very time-consuming, and unfortunately, I have not done it very often.

[Footage from Castlevania and Ninja Gaiden episodes]

James D. Rolfe: Now, just to give you an idea of how complicated these projects can get sometimes, this is the old timeline from the Super Mario Bros. 3 video where Super Mecha Death Christ is fighting the Devil. You can see there's tons and tons of sound effects going on here. Lots and lots of visual effects, you know, and, it's not really the best example unless I was actually working on it right now because these clips aren't connected anymore, because it's an old project, but I will tell you a little bit about the visual effects.

James D. Rolfe: With effects, sometimes I'll use After Effects for a program like that, but usually everything I do is just Photoshop and Final Cut, like I'll do all the graphics in Photoshop and then I'll do all the animation in Final Cut. It's as simple as that. That's the simplest solution because these are quick web videos and I gotta get them out really fast. One time Mike and I were at a bar. We were talking to Dave Willis from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He's the voice of Meatwad and Carl and we were asking him about effects and he said "Just do it in Photoshop", and that's something I've lived by ever since. Photoshop is like duct tape. It fixes everything. A lot of times when I shoot videos I make mistakes. In the R.O.B. episode for example I accidentally left the Gyros on R.O.B., but this is before I'm supposed to have the Gyros. So I actually had to Photoshop them out frame by frame. I have to decide if it's worth re-shooting or not and usually it's quicker to just do it in Photoshop.

James D. Rolfe: Sometimes there's a script in the shot or a boom mic, parts like these I don't have to use Photoshop. I can do it all in Final Cut just by taking a part of the video that doesn't have it and then lay it on top of the footage. It's seamless and you never notice.

James D. Rolfe: Color correction is something I also gotta do. Even though this is less cinematic than a movie, still, I gotta adjust the colors. The original Silver Surfer video was an example of me forgetting to color-correct. The whole video had an orange tone.

James D. Rolfe: After everything's done, it's still not done. It's never done when I think it is, because I'll always notice some kind of mistake at the last minute. So, usually, when I finish these videos I like to give it some time, go do something else, come back with a fresh mind, and look at it. I show it to friends. Usually the first person to see it is Mike, and usually somebody will catch some mistake I make like the funniest one I can think of is in the Street Fighter 2010 video. I was describing the final boss and I said he looked like Grimace from Sesame Street. Grimace is not from Sesame Street; he's from McDonald's, so luckily somebody caught that.

James D. Rolfe: But other things I have to fix are more technical. Like, sometimes, when I'm looking at the game footage in Final Cut, something will actually look different when the video's been finalized and compressed. Like, for example in the Double Dragon III video there was a part where I was talking about how when there's lots of enemies on the screen they all flicker, but in the final video they didn't look that way anymore. So it's strange and like the Castlevania videos I remember when the character goes into that post-hit invincibility, you know, when they're flickering, it didn't show up that way. Instead, the character was, like, invisible and you couldn't even see what was going on. So, things like that just look different. There's one where I was talking about a glitch in the game where you can only see the character's head; it was just this, like, disembodied head. In the final video, you saw the whole body. So, it's just something you can't predict. It has to do with, like, changes in the frame rate, or the field dominance or something like that I can't always pinpoint. So in these situations I usually just cut those parts.

James D. Rolfe: So in a nutshell, that's how a Nerd video is made. How long does the whole process take? Well, it depends on the video. It depends on the game. It depends on the level of production. I'd say on an average, probably 30 to 40 hours for one video. I always keep an hourly log of every video I do, just to see how fast I can do. You know, because for me it's kinda like a game to see if I can beat my record.

James D. Rolfe: The Dragon's Lair video for example was one of the shorter ones. That one took only 16 hours. The R.O.B. the Robot video, now that one took 122.5 hours. While I was editing the effects for the R.O.B. video, while I was animating all those lasers and shit I had time to actually listen to every one of these Iron Maiden CDs, plus the live albums. That's how long it took.

James D. Rolfe: I'm always listening to music when I edit unless it's involving voice-over or any kind of audio. Music is the only thing that keeps me sane. Well, that's pretty much it. The hardest thing about making the videos is just finding time to make them and trying to balance them with my personal life because I have so much other crap going on. It's hard not to be distracted by other things all the time. Like, say, the video takes 40 hours to make, I might only get 3 hours a day to work on it, so, there's no easy shortcuts. It's a time-consuming procedure, but it's nice to know that so many people are watching. So thank you for making it worthwhile. I know there's a lot of other questions that, you know, I could address, so if you have any other questions, just leave them on my site in the comments section on underneath the video, and maybe I'll do another Q&A of some form later and address some of them. So thanks, and let's check out the Barbie video.

[As the Nerd]

The Nerd: No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play Barbie on NES. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for hell!

The Nerd: It starts with the most casual intro for any game I've ever seen. Barbie's reading a book about mermaids. Then she talks about going to bed and actually begins listing all the things she's going to do the next day. Swimming at the beach, having lunch, shopping at the mall, and meeting Ken at a party. Sounds like an exciting game already! Then she goes to sleep and the game begins. I wonder if this is supposed to be a real human Barbie or a plastic doll Barbie. From the way she moves, I'd say she's a plastic doll.

The Nerd: So the game is basically her dream. In case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist. Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift. I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit.

The Nerd: The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

The Nerd: The first boss battle's like you're fighting a window shutter or laundry chute that causes earthquakes and shoots beach balls. What the hell is going on? What's stranger is how you beat the boss. You have to select the double arrow and throw your thingamajig at the cat which causes the cat to attack the laundry chute or whatever it is.

The Nerd: Then there's a part where you have to walk through a never-ending mall of fountains that shoot water up her dress. And there's fish that flop all over. This is one of those parts where you have to get the pattern down. It takes time and patience, but it never fucking ends. Ugh, this is way more difficult than I thought. Augh! Urrrgh!

The Nerd: I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game. This game is made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game. Fucking Barbie. Plastic pink mall-shopping bimbo ball-craving bird-riding ghost-fighting fish-flopping psycho-dreaming hair-brained piece of shit! Go to Hell! (drinks Rolling Rock)