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[They laugh some more, and then PAT abruptly grabs AVGN by the throat.]
[They laugh some more, and then PAT abruptly grabs AVGN by the throat.]

Revision as of 06:33, July 24, 2012

Editor's note:  At certain points, both characters are speaking simultaneously, so the order in which the lines are spoken is a somewhat arbitrary.

AVGN: If this box contains what I think it does, then this could be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector.  I bought this from an E-Bay auction.  The seller gave a list of games included;  mostly NES games that I own already.  But there's one that caught my attention: Nintendo World Championships.  Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a *fortune*.  The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes.  They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be … one of the most rare NES games in existence!
AVGN: [continues]  Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores.  It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition.  Remember the 1989 movie "The Wizard" with the big game tournament?  Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie.  The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990.  It was divided into age groups.  Each winner got a cash prize of 10,000 bucks, and took home other goodies.  The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game.  But there was another version made in gold.  The gold cartridges are even more rare.  Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine.  Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics.  The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors.  The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown.  But, in recent years, many have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices.  But there's still more out there.
AVGN: [continues]  Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge - two of them - and Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition.  But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors.  Could I have one of these in my possession right now?  Let's find out!  [starts opening up box with excitement]  Oh boy, I can't wait!  It's … I wonder ... It's probably the grey one.  But who knows?  It might even be the gold one!  [anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled "NWC1990";  Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text "Reproduction Cartridge";  joy fades]  This is a reproduction cart.  Anybody can get these.  Worth about fifty bucks.  [sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]  Well, at least I can still say, "I own Nintendo World Championships".  [places cartridge into his game shelf]  It's not the real thing.  I'll never own a complete NES collection.  Wait a minute.  I know somebody who might own a real NWC.  Yeah!  Somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am!  When it comes to NES, he's even more crazy!
Pat the NES Punk: [playing NES Balloon Fight, hears cell phone ring, and answers it]  Hello?
AVGN: Hey Pat, you NES Punk!  This is The Nerd.  
Pat the NES Punk: N - n - Nerd?  I don't think I know any "nerd".
AVGN: The *fucking* nerd.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh!  Oh, *that* nerd!  Well, why didn't you say so?
AVGN: So, I was just wondering, how's your game collection been going?
Pat the NES Punk: I have "Flintsones: Surprise At Dinosaur Peak"!
AVGN: Nice.  Hm.
Pat the NES Punk: [continues]  Magical Chase for the Turbo-Grafix 16.
AVGN: Come on!  You got better stuff than that!
Pat the NES Punk: What about the Power Glove *in* the collector's case?
AVGN: What else?
Pat the NES Punk: I know;  you want something special.
AVGN: Yeah!
Pat the NES Punk: Something spectacular.  How about the ... Super Mario Brothers Swimmies!
AVGN: Hm well, that's neat, if you're six years-old.  I'm talking like NES.
Pat the NES Punk: [passionately]  My beloved M-82 Demo Unit.
AVGN: Aw, that thing's a piece of crap!
Pat the NES Punk: [shocked] What?!
AVGN: All right, tell you what.  What's the most rare NES game you have?
Pat the NES Punk: Ha ha ha!  Well, if you must know, I do happen to own … a little game called the Nintendo World Championship cart.
AVGN: [impressed]  Uh ... y-you mean a reproduction, right?
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, it's real.  
AVGN: Well, are you sure?  It could be a fake;  you never know.
Pat the NES Punk: Pretty sure it's real.
AVGN: Tell you what, uh, if you come on over?  I'll help, um, authenticate it for you.  I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
Pat the NES Punk: The "Nerd seal of approval"?  W-what is that?  Like, you'll take a dump on it?
AVGN: No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval.  Come over, I'll take a look at it.

[next scene]

Pat the NES Punk: Oh hi, Nerd.  How are you?
AVGN: How're you doing?
Pat the NES Punk: Here in the basement!  Well, you know why you asked me here.
AVGN: Yes, of course.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh my God, Amiga in the box?  Great computer system.  But you know, you shouldn't put it on top of the boxed Odyssey, because it's going to damage the box, and get creases there and stuff.  Again, I know why you asked me here.
AVGN: Yeah, yeah.
Pat the NES Punk: APF TV Fun?  Cute, fun little Pong set!  You know, you get this stuff, it's amazing all this stuff you find!  You know?
AVGN: All right, let's see the NWC.
Pat the NES Punk: The what?  [realizes that the Nerd has awkwardly changed the topic]  Oh!  The World Championships cart.
AVGN: Yeah.
Pat the NES Punk: Uh ... okay.  Just ... [hands him the game, and Nerd opens it]  … yeah.  [AVGN opens it]  Be -- be careful!
AVGN: [looks at the legitimate cartridge in amazement, and examines it in disbelief, then tries to look convincing]  Um, uh .. this isn't the real thing.  Nah.
Pat the NES Punk: What do you mean?
AVGN: It ... It's fake.  Sorry to say.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, no - you're right.  It's not real at all.  I just spent thousands of dollars on a fake game!
AVGN: I could - I could take it off your hands.  Um, I know you need to make room for all those games you have in your collection, you know ...
Pat the NES Punk: I appreciate it, but I'll just take that fake game back.
AVGN: I could trade you another game.  Uh ... how about ... uh ... Combat on Atari?
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, wow;  Combat!  Classic game!  It was included with every Atari 2600!  I love that game, but you know what?  I'm gonna go ahead, I'll just ... I'll just ... just give me back that one right there.
AVGN: Combat.
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah.
AVGN: Combat.
Pat the NES Punk: Com … bat?
AVGN: With the tanks.  [makes tank noises]  
Pat the NES Punk: Uh huh.  Tanks.
AVGN: Planes, too.  [makes plane noises]  
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, and I said, it's okay, but you know what?  I'm totally fine;  I probably have a couple Combat carts.  I'll just take that one back.
AVGN: Tell you what.  You see that box of games over there?  [points to box of NES games he ordered with the NWC reproduction cart]  You can take the whole thing ... just for this one fake game.
Pat the NES Punk: You know what?  I'll take a look.  I'll take a look.  [walks over to box, then sarcastically]  Wow!  Look at the games!  Oh, Golf!  Plain old, regular black-box Golf.  Oh, wow;  this is worth a lot of money.  Oh ... not one, but *two* copies of Home Alone!  Oh, geez!  Oh, Super Mario/Duck Hunt!  I only have fourteen other copies!  And what's this?  More games underneath?  Well, let's see what else we have in this treasure trove of games!  Oh, yeah.  Great, we got Spot here.  Oh, Hook.  Arrr!  Oh, and leisels of deisel, we got Legend Of Zelda.  [camera zooms in to cartridge of Gold Edition of NWC;  Nerd is shocked;  Pat notices Nerd's reaction, sees what the cart is, and quickly hides it]
AVGN: What was that game you just had?
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, ha ha.  That was just Legend Of Zelda.
AVGN: Legend Of My Ass!  [blatantly puts grey edition of the cart on the table;  walks over;  picks up Gold cartridge, and looks it over;  the two set it up against a shelf]
Pat the NES Punk: No no no no!  Don't touch it.
AVGN: I wasn't touching it.  I was just pointing at it.
Pat the NES Punk: Don't point, even.
AVGN: Don't point?
Pat the NES Punk: It can't be played.  Never.
AVGN: Can I look at it?
Pat the NES Punk: No.
AVGN: Don't look at it.
Pat the NES Punk: No.
AVGN: Hm.  [both back away from it;  AVGN starts getting breathless]  Oh, my fucking god!
Pat the NES Punk: Relax.  Relax!  It's just ... a video game.  It's only ... Nintendo World Championships Gold cart.  It's just the most sought-after video game ... on the ... planet!  [both jump around in joy]  It's mine!  It's all mine!
AVGN: No, no no no.  That was *my* box!
Pat the NES Punk: You traded me for it.  I accepted.
AVGN: No, you didn't.  You were just making fun of those games!
Pat the NES Punk: Oh no, I really wanted all those fine games!  I needed another copy of Super Mario/Duck Hunt!  I'm making a coffee table out of them!
AVGN: Oh.  Oh, really?  Oh well, you can take 'em all, then.  Yeah yeah, but ... you're not getting that NWC Gold cart.  I didn't even know it was in there.
Pat the NES Punk: Then maybe you should get the prescription renewed on your glasses?  The grey is better, I mean look at it - it's individually numbered, and these were the game carts actually used in the competition.  The gold?  These were just ... giveaways.  Here, take it.  [hands him the grey cart]
AVGN: Yeah.  You know what?  You are right.  The grey one is better.  You know?  I feel really bad taking it away from you.  So, here - gimme back the gold one, and I'll give you back your grey one.
Pat the NES Punk: I appreciate the gesture, but that's okay.  You go ahead, you keep that grey one.  I'll stick with the uh, cheap gold, uh, giveaway.  
AVGN: Yeah, but the gold one's a piece of crap!  I mean, you don't want that.  I mean, you know how they made those!  They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on!  With glue!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah!  Elmer's glue!
AVGN: Yeah yeah ... I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat.  [imitates goat bleating]
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, okay.  Uh - well, I guess I'll be going now.  
AVGN: Okay, fine.

[The two start walking away from each other, and then stop for a moment.  Zoom in to PAT daydreaming.  In the daydream, AVGN and PAT are behind a podium, and lots of pictures are being taken, with people cheering.]

AVGN: And the award for Best NES Collection In The World goes to … Pat, The NES Punk.
Pat the NES Punk: I can't believe I did it!  Both World Championship carts!  Oh man!  What an award!  What an honor!  [rudely pushes AVGN aside]  Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!

[Zoom in to reality again, this time with AVGN daydreaming.  In his daydream, he proudly sets the two carts onto his shelf, in full view]

Pat the NES Punk: [in his own daydream]  Now, I officially know now that I have the best NES collection in the known universe, but I couldn't have done it without all of you.  Wait - Who am I kidding?  I did this all myself, and you're all jealous!  Ah ha ha ha!

[Change to AVGN's daydream, where he's still proudly gazing at the cartridges.  Then revert to reality again.  The two look at each other, clearly with the opposing cartridges in mind, and western-style music is playing.  Then the two turn to each other.]

Pat the NES Punk: All right, Nerd - We're gonna settle this like *men*.
AVGN: Okay, Pat.  [The two watch towards each other]
Pat the NES Punk: We're gonna play some Nintendo World Championships.
AVGN:  Yeah!  Winner takes all!  [The two walk over to the TV]
Pat the NES Punk: Okay, where ... where's your Nintendo?
AVGN: Oh, the Nintendo?  Right there, the Nintoaster.
Pat the NES Punk: The what?  Are you playing video games or making breakfast?  I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!
AVGN: Well, yeah - With all seriousness, we shouldn't be messing with these, really.  I mean, like you said - it can never be played … let alone looked at.  Let's play the reproduction cart.
Pat the NES Punk: Great idea!  [The two set things up, with the two carts being placed in plain view of AVGN's shelves]
AVGN: All right, how … Start's not working.  What's going on here?
Pat the NES Punk: Well, Second Player starts it.  Are you ready?
AVGN: Oh, starting gun!  [game starts, and a very familiar game begins.]  Super Mario Brothers?
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, you get fifty coins as quickly as you can.  You better go!
AVGN: Well, that's lame!  I thought this was supposed to be the super rare, elusive game … not Super Mario Brothers, which you can get for like, two bucks … with Duck Hunt included!  Okay, so I got the fifty coins.  That's it?
Pat the NES Punk: That's it.  Now it's on to Rad Racer.
AVGN: Oh, now we're playing Rad Racer?
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah.  Oh, but just the first … the first race.
AVGN: [unimpressed]  Aw, you gotta be kidding me.
Pat the NES Punk: It's a competition, Nerd!
AVGN: Just to think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
Pat the NES Punk: Sure, you can buy a car, but would it be … a racer as rad as this?
AVGN: All right, so I finished Rad Racer.  Now I'm up to Tetris?
Pat the NES Punk: Final game, Nerd.  Okay, you're on a time limit.  To maximize your score, you gotta get the four line Tetrises.  Wh - wh - wait.  Why am I helping you?  You think you deserve these games?  You changed your name from the Angry *Nintendo* Nerd to the Video Game Nerd!  I'm the NES Punk!  I deserve these games!
AVGN: I know a lot of people who own Tetris.  And they actually have the whole game!
Pat the NES Punk: [game shows the word “Time!” on screen]  That's it.  That's your score.  I am going to annihilate it, thank you very much.  [plays first part]  Okay, I just beat you on Super Mario Brothers.  Now, it's rad;  it's rad!
AVGN: Yeah, that's right, but you got two more games!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, I know I do.  I can count!
AVGN: Well, just think.  We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing.  So what's the point?  Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
Pat the NES Punk: What's the point?  The point is - Those games are part of Nintendo and video game history!  There are part of our culture!  Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our … our society!  [car in Rad Racer crashes]  Ah … augh!  Tetris is next!  I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one.  I'm gonna win!
AVGN: No, I'm serious!  This game … is a piece of shit!
Pat the NES Punk: Come on, Pat … Come on!  Yeah!  Triple-line score!  Double line score!  I'm gonna win!  The games are mine!  
AVGN: [gets hammer from drawer]  Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal.  It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail!  Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
Pat the NES Punk: [still playing game, oblivious to AVGN]  Yes!  Yes!  I won!  I won!

[AVGN knocks the two cartridges off the shelf, and proceeds to smash them into silly little pieces, with the sticker of the gold cart's logo remaining comically intact.  PAT is devastated.  He then tries in vain to re-assemble the gold cart, and finally drops the pieces in defeat.  AVGN then ejects the reproduction cart from the Nintoaster, and holds it towards PAT.]

AVGN: Here you go.  You can have this one.

[PAT takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief.  PAT then starts laughing, and AVGN starts laughing as well.]

AVGN: [laughs]  Aw, man!

[They laugh some more, and then PAT abruptly grabs AVGN by the throat.]
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