The Nerd: (excited) If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: Nintendo World Championships. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence.
The Nerd: Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game.
The Nerd: But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there.
The Nerd: Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! (starts opening up box with excitement) Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one!
(anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled "NWC1990"; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text "Reproduction Cartridge", and the Nerd's joy slowly fades)
The Nerd: This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. (sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves) Well, at least I can still say, "I own Nintendo World Championships".
(places cartridge into his game shelf)
The Nerd: It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.
(Hosting: Pat the NES Punk, who plays an NES launch title, "Balloon Fight." Suddenly, he hears cell phone ring, and answers it)
Pat the NES Punk: Hello?
The Nerd: Hey Pat, you NES Punk, this is The Nerd.
Pat the NES Punk: (Stutters) Nerd? I don't think I know any Nerd.
'The Nerd: The Fucking Nerd.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh! Oh, that Nerd! Well, why didn't you say so?
The Nerd: So, I was just wondering, uh, how's your game collection been going?
Pat the NES Punk: I have Flintstones: Surprise At Dinosaur Peak.
The Nerd: Nice. Hmm.
Pat the NES Punk: (continues) Magical Chase for the TurboGrafx-16!
The Nerd: Come on! You got better stuff than that!
Pat the NES Punk: What about the Power Glove in the collector's case?
The Nerd: What else?
Pat the NES Punk: I know you want something special.
The Nerd: Yeah!
Pat the NES Punk: Something spectacular. How about the ... Super Mario Bros. Swimmies!
The Nerd: Hmm, well, that's neat, if you're 6 years old. I'm talking like NES.
Pat the NES Punk: (passionately) My beloved M-82 Demo Unit.
The Nerd: Aw, that thing's a piece of crap!
Pat the NES Punk: (shocked) What?
The Nerd: All right, tell you what. What's the most rare NES game you have?
Pat the NES Punk: (Laughs) Well, if you must know, I do happen to own … a little game called the Nintendo World Championship cart.
The Nerd: (impressed) Uh ... y-you mean a reproduction, right?
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, it's real.
The Nerd: Well, are you sure? It could be a fake. You never know.
Pat the NES Punk: Pretty sure it's real.
The Nerd: Tell you what. Uh, if you come on over, I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd Seal of Approval.
Pat the NES Punk: The Nerd Seal of Approval? W-what is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
The Nerd: No, that would be the Nerd Seal of Disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, hi, Nerd. How are you?
The Nerd: How're you doing?
Pat the NES Punk: Here in the basement! Well, you know why you asked me here.
The Nerd: Yes, of course.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, my God, Amiga in the box? Great computer system. But you know, you shouldn't put it on top of the boxed Odyssey, because it's going to damage the box, and get creases there and stuff. Again, I know why you asked me here.
The Nerd: Yeah, yeah.
Pat the NES Punk: APF TV Fun? Cute, fun little Pong set! You know, you get this stuff, it's amazing all this stuff you find! You know?
The Nerd: All right, let's see the NWC.
Pat the NES Punk: The what? (realizes that the Nerd has awkwardly changed the topic) Oh! The World Championships cart.
The Nerd: Yeah.
Pat the NES Punk: Uh ... okay. Just ... (hands him the game, and Nerd takes it) … yeah. (The Nerd opens the package) Be -- be careful!
The Nerd: (looks at the legitimate cartridge in amazement, and examines it in disbelief, then tries to look convincing) Um, uh .. this isn't the real thing. Nah.
Pat the NES Punk: What do you mean?
The Nerd: It ... It's fake. Sorry to say.
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, no, you're right. It's not real at all. I just spent thousands of dollars on a fake game!
The Nerd: I could - I could take it off your hands. Um, I know you need to make room for all those games you have in your collection, you know ...
Pat the NES Punk: I appreciate it, but I'll just take that fake game back.
The Nerd: I could trade you another game. Uh ... how about ... uh ... Combat on Atari?
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, wow; Combat! Classic game! It was included with every Atari 2600! I love that game, but you know what? I'm gonna go ahead, I'll just ... I'll just ... just give me back that one right there.
The Nerd: It's Combat, man.
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah.
The Nerd: Combat.
Pat the NES Punk: Com...bat?
The Nerd: With the tanks. (makes tank noises)
Pat the NES Punk: Uh-huh. Tanks.
The Nerd: Planes, too. (makes plane noises)
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, and I said, it's okay, but you know what? I'm totally fine; I probably have a couple Combat carts. I'll just take that one back.
The Nerd: Tell you what. You see that box of games over there? (points to box of NES games he ordered with the NWC reproduction cart) You can take the whole thing, just for this one fake game.
Pat the NES Punk: You know what? I'll take a look. I'll take a look. (walks over to box, then makes fun of the games) Wow! Look at the games! Oh, Golf! Plain old, regular black-box Golf. Oh, wow, this is worth a lot of money. Oh, not one, but two copies of Home Alone! Oh, geez! Super Mario/Duck Hunt? I only have 14 other copies! And what's this? More games underneath? Well, let's see what else we have in this treasure trove of games! Oh, yeah. Great, we got Spot here. Oh, Hook. (Mimics pirate) Oh, and, at least, there's a decent one, we got Legend of Zelda.
(camera zooms in to the gold "Nintendo World Championships" cartridge; the Nerd is shocked; Pat notices The Nerd's reaction, sees what the cart is, and quickly hides it while the song plays "Justified")
The Nerd: What was that game you just had?
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, ha ha. That was just The Legend of Zelda.
The Nerd: "Legend of," my ass!
(blatantly puts grey edition of the cart on the table; walks over; picks up Gold cartridge, and looks it over; Pat the NES Punk sets it up against the top of the futon; the Nerd is about to touch it but Pat the NES Punk pushes his hand away)
Pat the NES Punk: No-no-no-no! Don't touch it.
The Nerd: I wasn't gonna touch it. I was just pointing.
Pat the NES Punk: Don't point, even.
The Nerd: Don't point?
Pat the NES Punk: It can't be played. Never.
The Nerd: Can I look at it?
Pat the NES Punk: No.
The Nerd: Don't look at it.
Pat the NES Punk: No.
The Nerd: Hm. (both back away from it; the Nerd starts getting breathless) Oh, my fucking God!
Pat the NES Punk: Relax. Relax! It's just a video game. It's only Nintendo World Championships Gold cart. It's just the most sought-after video game, on the planet! (both jump around and laugh in joy) It's mine! It's all mine!
The Nerd: No, no no no. That was my box!
Pat the NES Punk: You traded me for it. I accepted.
The Nerd: No, you didn't. You were just making fun of those games!
Pat the NES Punk: Oh, no, I really wanted all those fine games! I needed another copy of Super Mario/Duck Hunt! I'm making a coffee table out of them!
The Nerd: Oh. Oh, really? Oh well, you can take 'em all, then. Yeah yeah, but ... you're not getting that NWC Gold cart. I didn't even know it was in there.
Pat the NES Punk: Then maybe you should get the prescription renewed on your glasses? The grey is better, I mean, look at it; it's individually numbered, and these were the game carts actually used in the competition. The gold? These were just giveaways. Here, take it. (hands him the grey cart)
The Nerd: Yeah. You know what? You are right. The grey one is better. You know? I feel really bad taking it away from you. So, here - gimme back the gold one, and I'll give you back your grey one.
Pat the NES Punk: I appreciate the gesture, but that's okay. You go ahead, you keep that grey one. I'll stick with the uh, cheap gold, uh, giveaway.
The Nerd: Yeah, but the gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah! Elmer's glue!
The Nerd: Yeah, yeah. I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. (imitates goat bleating)
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, okay. Uh - well, I guess I'll be going now.
The Nerd: Okay, fine.
(The two start walking away from each other, and then stop for a moment. Zoom in to Pat the NES Punk daydreaming. In the daydream, the Nerd and Pat the NES Punk are behind a podium, and lots of pictures are being taken, with people cheering.)
The Nerd: And the award for Best NES Collection In The World goes to … Pat, The NES Punk.
Pat the NES Punk: I can't believe I did it! Both World Championship carts! Oh, man! What an award! What an honor! (rudely pushes the Nerd aside) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
(Zoom in to reality again, this time with the Nerd daydreaming. In his daydream, he proudly sets the two carts onto his shelf, in full view)
Pat the NES Punk: (in his own daydream) Now, I officially know now that I have the best NES collection in the known universe, but I couldn't have done it without all of you. Wait, who am I kidding? I did this all myself, and you're all jealous! (Laughing)
(Change to the Nerd's daydream, where he's still proudly gazing at the cartridges with the sound of crickets in the background. Then revert to reality again. The two look at each other, clearly with the opposing cartridges in mind, and western-style music plays. Then the two turn to each other.)
Pat the NES Punk: All right, Nerd, we're gonna settle this like men.
The Nerd: Okay, Pat.
(The two look at each other)
Pat the NES Punk: We're gonna play some Nintendo World Championships.
The Nerd: Yeah! Winner takes all!
(The two walk over to the TV while music plays)
Pat the NES Punk: Okay, where, where's your Nintendo?
The Nerd: Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
(record needle scratches)
Pat the NES Punk: The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a Goddamn English muffin!
The Nerd: Well, yeah, I mean, with all seriousness, we shouldn't be messing with these, really. I mean, like you said, they can never be played, let alone looked at. Let's play the reproduction cart.
Pat the NES Punk: Great idea!
(The two set things up, with the two carts being placed in plain view of the Nerd's shelves)
The Nerd: All right, how--wait. Start's not working. What's going on here?
Pat the NES Punk: Well, second player starts it. Are you ready?
The Nerd: Oh, starting gun! (game starts, and a very familiar game begins.) Super Mario Bros.?
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, you get 50 coins as quickly as you can. You better go!
The Nerd: Well, that's lame! I thought this was supposed to be the super rare, elusive game, not Super Mario Bros., which you can get for like, $2, with Duck Hunt included! Okay, so I got the 50 coins. That's it?
Pat the NES Punk: That's it. Now it's on to Rad Racer.
The Nerd: Oh, now we're playing Rad Racer?
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah. Oh, but just the first, the first race.
The Nerd: (unimpressed) You gotta be kidding me.
Pat the NES Punk: It's a competition, Nerd!
The Nerd: Just to think, that the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
Pat the NES Punk: Sure, you can buy a car, but would it be a racer as rad as this?
The Nerd: All right, so I finished Rad Racer. Now I'm up to Tetris?
Pat the NES Punk: Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four line Tetrises. W-wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd to the Video Game Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
The Nerd: I know a lot of people who own Tetris. And they actually have the whole game.
Pat the NES Punk: (game shows the word “Time!” on screen) That's it. Okay, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it, thank you very much. (plays first part) Okay, I just beat you on Super Mario Bros. Now, it's Rad Racer!
The Nerd: Yeah, well, you got two more games.
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, I know I do. I can count.
The Nerd: Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So what's the point, just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
Pat the NES Punk: What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! (exclaims as a car in "Rad Racer" crashes) Tetris is next! I'm not letting you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
The Nerd: No, I'm serious! This game is a piece of shit!
Pat the NES Punk: Come on, Pat! Come on! Yeah! Triple-line score! Double-line score!
(the Nerd gets hammer from drawer)
Pat the NES Punk: I'm gonna win! The games are mine!
The Nerd: Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal! It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to Hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
Pat the NES Punk: (still playing game, oblivious to the Nerd) Yes! Yes, I won! I won!
(The Nerd knocks the two cartridges off the shelf, and proceeds to smash them into tiny, little pieces, with the sticker of the gold cartridge's logo remaining comically intact. Pat is devastated. He then tries in vain to re-assemble the gold cart, and finally drops the pieces in defeat. The Nerd then ejects the reproduction cart from the Nintoaster, and holds it towards Pat.)
The Nerd: Here you go. You can have this one.
(Pat takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.)
The Nerd: (laughing) Aw, man!
(They laugh some more, and then Pat abruptly grabs the Nerd by the throat.)
The Nerd: (Yells)
(credits roll and the metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays; before the Screwattack and GameTrailers logos, the smashed cartridges are shown to be props and two hands show real copies of the gold and grey "Nintendo World Championships" cartridges; after the Screwattack and GameTrailers logos, the Nerd is shown holding the grey cartridge is his left hand, and Pat is shown holding the gold cartridge in his right hand)