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Day Dreamin Davey - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 98

Day Dreamin Davey - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 98

The Nerd: Oh no. Time to play a shitty game for the 98th fuckin' time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? (notices the HAL logo on the game cartridge) Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.

Davey: Awesome!

The Nerd: Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there.

The Nerd: So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of tryin' to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about... getting a pencil.

The Nerd: Right from the beginning you're stuck behind some rocks. Guess I can't go past them, so, I'll just go right. ...Oh, you can't go right. Hmm... Maybe you push the rocks out of the way? No, they don't move. Maybe I jump over them? Hmm. A attacks, B does nothing... Well, I guess I can't jump then... Suppose I'm done with this game! (He manages to jump) Oh, B AND A! You have to hit them at the same time! Ugh!

The Nerd: (sarcastically) You know what I love in games? When ya get some kind of item that gives you invincibility or stops time, but only lasts about three seconds! And how the enemies can go through trees, but you can't? That's really fair. Then you get to a large knight named Lumper. When you beat him, you'll get the lance, which is supposed to represent Davey's pencil. Why does he care so much about a fuckin' pencil? Was he plannin' to take it home after school and... sh-shove it up his ass or somethin'? Then he starts tellin' the teacher he was lost in this forest. As if he was really there, like the fuckin' teacher's gonna believe him.

The Nerd: So she cuts him off and says, it's artwork time! Get ready to draw! Draw, draw, like it's a chore! (Davey goes back to sleep) ...What? He goes to sleep again?

The Nerd: He falls asleep? Again? That's the one time in school I WOULDN'T fall asleep! I mean, during my normal classes, I'd be drawing on the pages on my math book and shit. That's the whole point! You draw when you're bored of school! He should have fallen asleep during math class or something boring! Did the game programmers really not know the difference between something that kids like, and something they don't like?!

The Nerd: I love how they depict going into the dream world with a trippy vortex. It's like something out of an Atari game. So now we're in the Old West. There's vultures shitting exploding bloody diarrhea. Oh, gross! (Davey gets stuck trying to walk behind a building) And... what's goin' on here? What's goin' on here?! You can't walk behind the store? That makes no sense.

The Nerd: (starts to doze off) Oh, sorry. I was just daydreamin' about playin' a BETTER FUCKIN' GAME!

The Nerd: So the object here is to catch a bad guy. Why would a kid be buying guns and goin' after a criminal? Well it's his fantasy, whatever. You don't see that in games too often today. Imagine Call of Duty, playing as a seven-year-old. Anyway you go in this building, a guy starts shootin' ya, and ya die. This is the only part that uses a fucking targeting system. I move the cursor right over his dick nose and shoot, but he still kills me! (Shoots at the gun) Oh, I see, ya gotta shoot the gun! Well duh, I should have guessed that, right?

The Nerd: Anyway, another lame cutscene, and ya end up in Ancient Rome. I walked all around here, found a bow in some building, some lady tells me not to cross the bridge before I get a shield... Well, I got a thing by a tree that I thought was the shield, so I went back and crossed the bridge... then a bunch of psychedelic flashes started fuckin' up the screen! (Davey dies) Apparently, that wasn't the shield. The game tricked me by putting a circular-shaped object on the ground. Come on, why not let me know, just have a sign that says "NOT THE SHIELD"?

The Nerd: So I keep searchin' around and eventually find the shield. I guess it's a shield; looks like a bullseye or, I don't know, Daisy Duck's nipple or somethin'. Now I'm back at the bridge, no trippy side effects this time; now it's time to face the Cyclops. You use the shield to deflect his attack... I think. (Davey dies) ...Okay, never mind. I'm dead. Oh, that's great, I have to start from the beginning of the stage? And I have to find the bow and the shield all over again? All right... didn't take me that long, but, guess what? There's no more shield! What the hell? This is the same guy I killed last time, isn't it? So, now the game just isn't going to give me the shield?

The Nerd: Well, I tried it again and again and I figured out what the problem was. You're not supposed to kill the guy... you're supposed to touch him. That's right. So the first time I got lucky. This is the one guy you're supposed to touch. If you kill him, the shield dies with him. Makes a lot of sense. So now, it's time to fight the Cyclops again. But first, some advice from this statue of... I don't know, Aphrodite, or whoever the fuck it's supposed to be. "The Cyclops is not truly dead until his eye is pierced." Okay, let's try it out. Alright, come on, come on! Rrgh, you motherfucker, rrgh! Come on, rrgh! All right, he's dead. I didn't really aim at his eye, so, I don't know what she was tellin' me about. Stupid lyin' bitch. How about tell me when I have to aim at somebody's gun? That would help.

The Nerd: So here I am, back in the Middle Ages... and I gotta fight a huge badass knight. Well that Cyclops took a lot of abuse, so I'm thinkin' this guy's gonna be even harder. Uhh, nope. Just slash at him a few times and that's it. Don't ya love games with totally sporadic difficulty?

The Nerd: Then ya get a sword, but of course it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, "What are you doing? You're gonna see the principal for this." Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class? Then the principal starts yappin' away, which sends Davey back to sleep. What is he on, medication or something? Why can't he stay awake?

Principal: Davey...

The Nerd: Okay, so now I'm in Ancient Rome. Again. We're only five stages in! Did they run out of ideas? Oh wait. Never mind. Now I'm in hell. Literally, I'm in hell! I gotta talk to some skeleton who says to get a coin or else I can't take his boat ride. Why would I wanna get on a boat with some creepy skeleton anyway? Now I gotta leave hell to go find a coin, because hell's cheap and there's no currency down there. I got a hint that the coin could be in a tree, so now I'm runnin' all over the place whackin' every tree with my sword. Well damn, I just tried every tree in the whole stage! I don't know where else... Oh. Of course. It's the tree in the very beginning! You gotta go all the way back to the first fuckin' trees ya see. So, take the damn coin back to hell, give it to the skeleton and he takes ya on his boat to the other side of the river.

The Nerd: Fight Cerberus, the three-headed dog, and after that, it's back to the Middle Ages. Again. But wait, now it's a winter wonderland? What's this, a pile of shit? Seriously, that's what it looks like! What else could it be?

The Nerd: Fight the big knight, and then it's back to the Wild West again. Well, I guess the stages just repeat a lot, so get used to it. The Sheriff has Davey go over to a bank to fight some robbers. Now I ran out of bullets, so I'm gonna try usin' my whip. But that doesn't work! The whip does nothing! So, all I have left is a stick of dynamite. Well, that got him, but it's a little excessive. Kinda like robbin' a bank with an atom bomb. Well, now I'm shit outta luck. No bullets, and no more dynamite. So this time, I restock. Look at that. 99 bullets. I'm ready to go. Come on, is this guy gonna die?

The Nerd: Oh, okay, I used all 99 bullets, and it didn't do anything. Maybe I'm supposed to go somewhere else, like go to the right? ...Nope. I'm exploring every inch of the screen here. Oh, only at the very bottom can you cross into the next screen. Wouldn't it be nice if there was something indicating which spot on the screen you're allowed to go right? What's this, a hooker? She asks if I need some help? Really. There's a Nintendo game, where a hooker tries to sell herself... to a kid. NOW this whole thing is worth it. Well actually, she just gives you a relic, and you can trade that for a shotgun, so ya can kill those robbers.

The Nerd: The next stage is Ancient Rome again. Now it's like a maze. ...Okay, so I'm dead. Then it asks me if I wanna start from here again. Do I wanna start from here? Yes, I would like that very much. (Gets sent back to the beginning of the level) What? I'm at the beginning of the stage? That's not what I chose, you lying fuckin' sack of shit! Then ya fight the Medusa. This is probably the hardest boss in the game because you can't look at her when her eyes flash, or else you'll turn to dust.

The Nerd: Finally, when ya kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. Yeah. (Shows a picture of Davey doing just that, with the teacher's head dripping blood.)

The Nerd: So then it's on to Mount Olympus. I'm in the sky. Okay, here I use the shield to block the spears. The controls are stiff though. I press the button to have the shield come up, and it only works half the time. After you kill a guy, it lets you jump these gaps with the flying sandals. But you can only jump after you've killed an enemy. Why? Why can't Davey just jump over and run past all these guys? Why does the game force me to fight each individual enemy? Oh, guess I went the wrong way. Oh, and when ya throw a spear, make sure the soldiers' full bodies are on the screen. If they're off screen even partially, it won't hit them. Classic video game logic. If you didn't actually see the spear hit, then it didn't happen.

The Nerd: (sighs) So now we're in the Middle Ages for the tenth million time. You go pick up Elmo's inside-out asshole, and then go through winter-land and dark evil land or whatever, and fight a giant skeleton knight. I'm guessing this is the end of the game, after all the crap I went through to get here. Yeah! He's dead. What? Now I need a key? Oh my God, find the key. I'll find the fuckin' key you fuckin' piece of shit. Okay, got the key, went in the door, now I'm fighting a dragon. Nothing special, just hit it with the sword a bunch of times, then ya get the Holy Grail. I had to take a leap of faith earlier, and now the Holy Grail? If only there was a big fight on top an army tank.

The Nerd: So Davey wakes up and the principal's like, "Where'd you get that trophy?" So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what'd be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fuckin' face off! (Shows a picture of Freddy Krueger's dismembered hand gruesomely tearing Davey's face off.)

The Nerd: Then the teacher puts on a film of the Wild West. Davey falls asleep, and now we're on the last stage. Thank God. Why is the Wild West at the end? We just fought a big dragon; THAT should've been the last stage. Anyway, you find another object that looks like a piece of crap, it transports you to another piece of crap, and eventually to hell. Then you're in a graveyard shooting at more robbers. Then you gotta shoot the gun out of the guy's hand again. This time, there's three of these guys in a row. After that, you've beaten the game. Couldn't they come up with something unique for a final boss rather than just rehashing something we've already done? Not to mention, I hate this part! I hate that you have to position a cursor over the gun.

Davey: Bummer!

The Nerd: Couldn't they have made this into a more action-oriented boss fight like in Sunset Riders? (Shows footage from the Sega Genesis version of "Sunset Riders") There's nothing enjoyable 'bout this.

The Nerd: Well that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... somethin'... better... (Starts falling asleep and daydreaming.)

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