The Nerd: In the beginning, a game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said: "Let there be shit!" And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowin' off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed-off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killin' random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
Kid: Yippee! Yippee! Whoops! Yippee!
The Nerd: I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more Bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.
The King James Bible
The Nerd: I've mentioned before that there's a Game Boy game called The King James Bible. Since then, I've actually gotten the game in my possession, so I might as well try it out. I gotta admit, I thought this game would be nothing more than just reading the Bible on a Game Boy. But there actually are a couple of games involved.
The Nerd: The first one is a stupid memory game. All you do is match the words. (wrong-answer sound effect)
The Nerd: The other one is just like playing Hangman with sheep. You have to guess the hidden word by choosing the correct letters. If you choose a wrong letter, one of the sheep will hop the fence. If they all get over the fence, you lose. Like... right now. I'm really stumped. (the last sheep jumps the fence) Damn, fuckin' sheep. Alright, what's the word? (a duck walks across the word to reveal it) "Goodliest"? Who the fuck uses a word like that? "Blessedness"? Of course, they're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.
The Nerd: Of course, you could read the Bible, basically if you want to use your Game Boy as an old-fashioned eBook reader. I wonder how many batteries you'd need to go through the whole thing. The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we could search for, I don't know, how about the word "ass".
(the game turns up quite a lot of results for that word)
The Nerd: (nervously) Oh-kay... I had no idea there would be this many results. "Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass." "Loose his ox or his ass." "Whose ass have I taken?" "Deliver unto his neighbour an ass." "Which of you shall have an ass?" "He had found a young ass." "The dumb ass", (chuckles) it says "dumb ass" in the Bible. "Saddled his ass." "Opened his sack to give his ass"? "The lion had not eaten the carcass nor torn the ass"? "Riding upon his ass"? (laughs) Oh, I'm goin' to Hell.
Caltron 6 In 1
The Nerd: Next game, we have something kinda special. It's an unlicensed NES game called 6 In 1. That's pretty much the title. How creative. Unofficially, it's known as Caltron 6 In 1, because the company who made it, Caltron, went out of business before they sold off all their games. "Hot Selling!" Yeah, right.
The Nerd: Well, another company called Myriad bought their inventory, slapped their own sticker on the front, and started selling them again. For this reason, the Myriad version is even more rare. Its price in auctions is usually much higher than the Caltron version, even though technically they are both the same exact game. Myriad didn't make any programming changes whatsoever. Even the title screen still says Caltron on it! That sticker on the front, let me tell you, that is one expensive sticker.
The Nerd: With that bit of trivia, you're probably wondering what does this have to do with the Bible? Well, there's 6 games on it. All of 'em suck major shit. And they definitely went for quantity over quality, much like Action 52, although it's not that bad. Honestly, the games aren't horrible. They're just mediocre copycats of other games. Cosmos Cop is a ripoff of Space Harrier, Balloon Monster is a ripoff of Buster Brothers, Porter is a ripoff of Sokoban, Bookymon is a ripoff of Make Trax (also known as Crush Roller), and Magic Carpet 1001 is sadly the most original of all of them, but there is one Bible game on it: Adam & Eve.
The Nerd: It's a 2-player co-op game where you fly around on... balloons and try to land on top of... cute little worms. Out of all the games on this cartridge, this is probably the most original. They sure put a new twist on the story. Instead of Adam and Eve being a man and a woman, they're now asexual twins. Take your guess which is which! The one with green hair, or the one with red skin? Are they aliens or something? Is that why there's space in the background? The Tree of Life is now apparently a few bamboo sticks crossed together. The Serpent is now a whole army of balloon-flying worms. And there's a bird that lays eggs on you. What kind of bird lays eggs while it's flying? That's like a human mother running a marathon and just dropping out a baby. The other thought is that it's an egg-shaped piece of shit, but it's from a bird, so it'd usually be white, which would be the color of an egg, but instead it's brown like shit. I don't know what I'm talkin' about.
The Nerd: I myself wouldn't know how to make a game based on Adam & Eve, but I never would've thought to make the Forbidden Fruit actually count as points. What were they thinking when they came up with this? I guess they were just trying to be really original. Well, nope. Actually, it's a complete ripoff of Balloon Fight. And if you really want to go back further, Balloon Fight is very similar in gameplay style to Joust, just with balloons instead of... well... ostriches. So basically, the game has nothing to do with the Bible, so why am I bothering to include it as part of Bible Games? Well, here's a better question: WHY THE FUCK DID THEY CALL IT "ADAM & EVE"?!
The Nerd: Well, that's the last of the Bible Games on the Nintendo consoles. It sure was a sacrilegious shit-stain on the NES library.
Wisdom Tree games on Genesis
The Nerd: But it wasn't enough for Wisdom Tree, no. They had to put out their games on the Sega Genesis console as well. To tell you the truth, these are all games I've reviewed already on NES. Sometimes, the Genesis versions are different, like they were with Action 52, but this is not the case here. All these games are nearly identical to their 8-bit counterparts.
The Nerd: Spiritual Warfare is pretty much the same. You know, that Legend of Zelda clone where drug dealers shoot lasers at you from alleyways. Since the whole game functions just like Zelda, with item inventory and everything like that, wouldn't it have been nice to use the same save feature? Instead, there's this annoying password system. If you're gonna copy anything from Zelda, have a save feature. And that was on NES, so you'd think with a more advanced console, they'd be able to do that again.
The Nerd: Then there's Exodus and Joshua, which were both the same two games anyway, which were both adapted from a game called Crystal Mines. Not much to reiterate here, just going around blasting giant cheese puffs.
The Nerd: Then there's Bible Adventures, which again is the same as the NES version, just with slightly different graphics. Gotta love that classic Baby Moses game. The best part's drowning your own baby and then killing yourself. Isn't that nice?
The Nerd: Then of course there's David and Goliath, which might as well just be called David and the Fuckin' Sheep, because that's all you do: carry sheep from one place to the next. Man, who the Hell is able to pick up three sheep and climb a tree? And this may seem like a minor complaint, but when you pause the game, the music keeps going. I hate games that do that. What if you get a phone call or something? You want it to go quiet.
The Nerd: This game is extremely frustrating in its bad control. There's a part where you have to climb a mountain, but no matter how hard you try you keep slipping off the platforms, RRGH! ERRRRRRGGGGH! AUGH, OH, FUCK! Alright, here we go, UNH! Fuck! Bitch.
The Nerd: You'd think these are doors, right? Well, guess what? You can't go in. They're just for decoration. So maybe they're miniature monoliths from 2001. When you do manage to get to the top, there's nowhere left to go. You have to take a shitty guess, and jump at thin air. See, there's another platform you're supposed to reach but you'd never know otherwise. It's literally a leap of faith.
The Nerd: The other game on the cartridge is Noah's Ark. This is the one where you painstakingly have to pick up every animal on the screen and carry them to the ark. I've mentioned before how Noah is some super strong freak of nature, but he does have his limits. He can jump while carrying almost any animal, but an ox, nope, that's too much! Every animal has their own set of rules and it makes no fuckin' sense. The most annoying is the snakes. Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that, no. He thinks Noah's a snake-saving shitsucker. Pee-Wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness: Indiana Jones, then Pee-Wee, and then fuckin' Noah!
The Nerd: Keep in mind, Noah also has to identify the male and female animals. So how does he have such a keen instinct for this? I mean, I'm no bird expert, but does the toucan exhibit any clear signs of its gender? If it's a female, does Noah look at it and think to himself, "Look at the cans on that toucan!"?
The Nerd: The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The ark is brown, the trees are brown, why does everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah, those trees in the background are like logs of shit comin' out of God's ass. It's holy shit.
The Nerd: Things get all fucked up at Level 3, you gotta start collecting 7 of each animal. 7? What? Are you kidding me?
The Nerd: The monkeys, I hate 'em, they're so fuckin' hard to catch. I'm gonna get you, you stupid monkey. Yeah, whatever it takes, fuckface. You're slime. You're filth. I'm gonna rip you apart. Oh, and you're actually not supposed to save the monkeys, you're supposed to get the fruit that they're throwing! Really, how was I supposed to guess that? So the monkeys ARE supposed to drown in the flood after all.
The Nerd; One of the worst things about this game is that Noah needs to visually inspect every animal you catch. It's not enough that the inventory is on the screen clear as day! But no, you gotta watch every single animal run into the ark, one after another. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. after you beat the level, you have to watch every fuckin' coin bounce across the screen!
The Nerd: I can't believe I actually decided to play through this whole game. I was curious about the ending, and it's not worth braggin' about. It's just a suitcase floatin' in the sewers. Oh wait, that's supposed to be the ark with the flood. It rests on the mountain top, and that's it.
The Nerd: Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings.
The King of Kings
The Nerd: I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it: Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 ("Super Mario Bros. 2") ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're traveling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.
The Nerd: But the one game I slacked on was Flight to Egypt. All I said was, "It's bad." But let me tell you, it's not just bad, it's horrendous. Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. Flight to Egypt? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass if you prefer. What airline is this? Ass Express? And yes, I know the word "flight" doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but hey, it's a fuckin' joke.
The Nerd: Your only attack is this embarrassing dinky little kick which can't harm anything unless it's right up in your ass. Or should I say your ass's ass, not your ass that's sittin' upon the ass.
The Nerd: I guess you're supposed to be on a mountain because you're always moving upward. You'd think you're moving right horizontally, but really you're on an upward slant spiraling around, so if you fall down you're actually backtracking to where you just were. Isn't that weird? And what's with all the ice stages? You're supposed to be going to Egypt. Did you get sidetracked on the fuckin' North Pole?
The Nerd: When you collect health, it only counts if you're able to answer a Bible question. "I beheld ____ as lightning fall from heaven." Hmmm... anyone who's seen Street Fighter: The Movie should know that one (Satan.) And here's a tip: any time it's a "True or False" question, if it has anything to do with killing, then it's always true.
The Nerd: There's not much else to say about this shit heap. I might as well just leave it at "it's bad." But the truth is, it's even worse. At least, we could check out the ending. "They arrive safely in Egypt and an angel visits Joseph." (back to the title screen)
The Nerd: And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? WHAT HAPPENED?! I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu.
The Nerd: But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says "Give your heart to Jesus," but I'm not seeing it, so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble. Although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) Ooh! Gah! Oh, Jesus!