The Nerd: It's time to go back... to the past... again. Remember when I was the Angry Nintendo Nerd, reliving the frustrating games from my youth?
The Nerd: Well, not much has changed. But I was never really satisfied with my older videos.
The Nerd: I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The McKids video, for example, I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make 'em look good as shit, and give 'em some new enhancements.
(Going back to the "Top Gun" review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.)
The Nerd from his "Friday the 13th" Review: You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that FUCKIN' GAME, YOU NO-GOOD, PIECE OF-! (BANG! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review)
The Nerd: That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason shoulda shot first. (Same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head)
The Nerd: I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But, with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better. Mainly the Back to the Future games, but first, let's take a look at some of the other games... that I could've done better justice.
The Nerd: For example, Top Gun. (The Nerd says "gun" like in the picture for the old title card) Even the title card could've used some extra work. Look how shitty that is.
(better-looking title card with a drawing of the Nerd hanging onto an army parachute)
The Nerd: Oh, Okay. Well, that's way better.
The Nerd: I only played through half the game and considering how short it is, I really wish I would've shown the ending. The final target is a Space Shuttle. That didn't even happen in the movie! Why are we destroying the Space Shuttle? Can't let those fuckers go to space.
(He blows up the Space Shuttle, and he is forced to land the plane one last time)
The Nerd: Oh, come on. Do I really have to land the plane one more time? Couldn't the game just end right there? I accomplished the goal, who cares if I crash the plane? We'll just say it's a suicide mission.
The Nerd: A lot of people questioned why I had so much difficulty tryin' to land the plane. So, let me explain it better: Pushing Down makes you go up, and Up makes you go down. For flying games, that's standard. But the on-screen instructions don't make it clear what they're telling you to do. Does up mean push Up? Or push Down to fly up? Speed up? OK, now it's saying up, up? So is it still telling me to speed up or fly up? Or no, I'm a fuckin' dipshit. It says right there, the altitude and speed. So, just follow the numbers. Don't pay attention to the flashing instructions. You can tell that thing to go fuck its face.
The Nerd: I'm gonna land this thing. Oh yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna do it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! (watches the numbers) Oh, oh, goin' too fast!
(He watches the screen, and the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised, and breaks through a window)
The Nerd: Hey, if, uh, anybody sees that plane... can ya let me know?
The Nerd: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (puts game into Nintoaster) I already mentioned the part where you go into the nightclub and find Jessica Rabbit's phone number. It's an actual 800 number that you're supposed to call. Back then, if you called the number, you would've heard a recording telling you some game tips. How did I resist not calling that number for real? Let's call it and see if it still works.
Woman on phone: No credit card? Try collect call back. Dial 1-215-SEX-TALK and we'll call you right back. Connecting you to hot live talk with horny students, housewives and workin' girls. That's 1-2-1-5-S-E-X...
The Nerd: (looking stunned) Wow. Um, the number has definitely changed. And we now have a Nintendo game... that gives a phone number... to a sex hotline. (impressed) That is fuckin' awesome.
The Nerd: And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Any time Doom hits you, it takes a great deal of damage, but when you hit him, it doesn't do much.
The Nerd: With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there would be one that inflicts more damage on him. But nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
The Nerd: Once you knock him down, you think it's all over. But no, you gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why wouldn't I want it selected? The worst part is that now, Judge Doom kills you with one hit! It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to hold down the button, and only that way can you beat him.
(End screen with the text saying, "Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.")
The Nerd: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. With this episode, everybody seems to be happy with it. That's fine with me, but it could've gone on much further. I only showed the first three levels, just barely.
The Nerd: I mentioned the tough jumps in the sewer. But this one in particular, I've always obsessed over. Now, I gotta pay my respects. This fuckin' jump. As a kid, I spent hours on this part, and in 20-somethin' years, it hasn't gotten any easier. It's all because of this stupid platform. They don't give you any room to make the jump. (Donatello falls down into the water and winds back up outside) Whenever you fall, the water current takes you back out to the street! Then, you have to go all the way back through the building before you can even get a chance to try again. (groans) I hate this. And don't tell me you can just fuckin' walk over it.
(It doesn't work)
The Nerd: You can try creeping up on the edge and givin' a light tap, or, you can forcefully jump as hard as you can. You'll never make it. Not without a lot of luck.
The Nerd: The Technodrome, jeez. Anybody who's made it this far knows what I'm talkin' about. Before you can even fight the Technodrome, you gotta find it first. You go in these underground caves fighting the toughest enemies yet. They jump all over the place, throw lots of shit, and they're too stubborn to die!
The Nerd: At the end of the cave, you'll either find the Technodrome, or an empty room. So, it's back out the way you came. Each of these caves, you're guaranteed to lose one turtle. By the time you eventually find which cave has the Technodrome, you're lucky if you have any resources left. You're beat to Hell! And here comes this big mecha-giant shootin' lightning, firing bullets, and catapulting an infinite army of Foot Soldiers. (The game starts lagging due to graphical overload) Sometimes there's so much shit on the screen, the game goes to slow-motion. Don't you love it when Nintendo games do that?
The Nerd: I have managed to beat the Technodrome. After that, you go inside. Wow, this Technodrome is huge. It didn't look that big on the outside. I'm down to one last continue here. I'm not gonna make it! Oh no! (Exclaims) FUCK!
(Anger-inducing "Game Over" screen)
The Nerd: Now, of course, everybody's gotta understand; just because I'm goin' back to some of the games I've already done, that doesn't mean I'm runnin' out of games. Just look back there.
(Lots of games are shown)
The Nerd: Look at all these fuckin' games. I got plenty to work with... but now, (Claps his hands) it's time for the main event.
(The Nerd puts the game in the Nintoaster)
The Nerd: Hey, I'm havin' déja vu here...
(In the original "Back to the Future" review, the Nerd put "Back to the Future II & III" in a toaster, which caused the game to blow up)
The Nerd: It's time to go back to the past... to go back... to Back to the Future. I revisited this miserable shit turd (flashes middle finger at the TV screen) from my childhood, and now, it's time to revisit my revisiting of it. I wasn't satisfied with my incomplete review of it and my lack of attention to the sequels. I guess you could say, I was a slacker.
The Nerd: Even the shirt I was wearing was all wrinkled. I don't know what the Hell happened to it, but even worse, I just threw it on and didn't even take time to button it!
(Footage from "Back to the Future" on NES plays)
The Nerd: I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before, is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity. Imagine tryin' to order at a fast-food restaurant or any restaurant. Imagine goin' to work or tryin' to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a café throwin' milkshakes. Anybody who's played this café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. (A café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.)
The Nerd: But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
The Nerd: The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. "No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different." Do they think we're idiots?
The Nerd: Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom, so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something? It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. "It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!" Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
The Nerd: Once again, like the café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under the Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no Guitar Hero, or Rock Band. Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look anything like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear Earth Angel or Johnny B. Goode?
(music from the game)
The Nerd: OK, wait a minute. It IS Johnny B. Goode. On crack. (4 seconds later) If they can make the DuckTales theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
The Nerd: Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty's tryin' to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes. All you have to do here... is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodgin' lightning anyway? Isn't Marty tryin' to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fuckin' idea of the movie?!
The Nerd: Anyway, that's Back to the Future NES. No special ending. Nothing. (music from the game) Fuck that music.
The Nerd: Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... some relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! (He throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode (on crack))
Back to the Future Parts II & III
The Nerd: Next came Back to the Future II & III. (puts game in Nintoaster) This one has the Back in Time song... or at least part of it. And the intro scenes follow the movie quite well. But then the game starts, and you see all these dinosaurs, snails, and runaway trash cans. What the Hell happened here? It couldn't possibly be any more different from the film. In this timeline, when Biff brought the Sports Almanac to 1955, it somehow created a world full of piranha plants, killer clouds and evil Martys. I like how it says Back to the Future on the bottom of the screen, just to remind you what you're playing, otherwise you'd forget it has anything to do with Back to the Future.
The Nerd: When I first reviewed this game, I was bein' a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. (Marty cannot unlock a door) I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.
The Nerd: After all that bullshit, you finally get the item, and now you have to find where to take it. I know where the game designers can take it, but that's another story.
The Nerd: You have to find another room that's hidden somewhere obscure, like under a manhole or inside a pipe. Once you find this room, you think that's it; you return the item and then you're off for the next one, but no, it's not over yet. You have to solve a puzzle: a scrambled word. You select the object from your inventory that corresponds with the scrambled word, like if I have a milkshake, I have to look at the word and think, "Hmm, is that milkshake? Well, it doesn't look like it. What if it's supposed to be root beer float? How would I know what they're calling it?" If this is the wrong room, and that word doesn't belong to the object, then you have to leave the room. If you try selecting the item... (item blows up) ...you will lose that item, and have to go get it all over again.
The Nerd: It's even more confusing that the objects and the puzzle rooms are never in the same place or time. You have to use the DeLorean to travel to the different time zones. And there's 30 of them! 30 items! How could it be any worse? Well, guess what? There's no save feature. Who came up with this? We're not even allowed to turn off our Nintendo? We have to beat the whole game in one clean shot? Don't be so fuck.
The Nerd: I've played for two hours straight without returning a single item. I ran from one side of the board to the next, traveled to different time periods, and searched every last inch. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go. It's hard to even keep track of where you've been.
The Nerd: After you've found and returned the 30 items, you're only halfway through; you still have Part III to deal with. Jeez, I could do something much more productive with my time. I could learn a new foreign language. I could study microbiology. I could train Siberian tigers. Instead, I'm degenerating my brain cells into 8-bit pixels. At least you can skip to Part III, with a code. On the title screen, hold B and Select, then, unscramble another word! If you know the code, you probably know the word. Why does everything have to be so cryptic?
The Nerd: Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try?! No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. (The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them) "Purple for putrid gameplay", "blue for bad musical abominations", "green for graphical farts and garlic", "yellow for piss poor lack of loyalty to source material", "orange for "orange (aren't) you a fuckin' idiot?!"", and "red for high-stress anger-inducing masochism". Put that all together, you got all the colors of the shit rainbow. (sarcastically) Hooray, LJN.
Back to the Future Part III (Sega Genesis)
The Nerd: I'm fuckin' pissed enough, but now I got one more game: Back to the Future III on Sega Genesis. Believe it or not, it has the Back to the Future theme, but it sounds like ass. (screechy music from the game) What a piece of shit.
The Nerd: Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, goin' over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But, there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse tryin' to save Clara from goin' into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
The Nerd: 'You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. (Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears) Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
The Nerd: Uh, jump? Uh, uh, jump again? Duck? Uh... shoot? Uh... what, (Yells) FUCK! (Doc Brown gets knocked off horse) (Exclaims) You fuckin' processing, stop bein' so blast!
The Nerd: It's really hard to distinguish, which objects are hazards, and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
The Nerd: From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game, so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
The Nerd: (moans) Oh, and that fucking song...I am so sick of hearin' that! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about goin' 100 miles per hour on a horse jumpin' crates and gettin' shot at and shit!
(Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly)
The Nerd: Fuck-fuck-fuck-UNGH-UNGH-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-ungh-fuck-fuck-fuck fuck-F-FUCK!!! FUCK!
(The Nerd gets frustrated, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.)
The Nerd: DAMN! (He yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor. The Nerd is then shown drinking Rolling Rock)
Super Back to the Future II (Super Famicom)
The Nerd: Oh my God. Three Back to the Future games, and they're all fuckin' horrible. (notices Super Famicom game) Oh, what's this? (moans) Ugh, that's right. Super Back to the Future II on the Super Famicom. This game must've been so bad, it didn't even get an international release. (sighs) Guess I'll give it a try.
(The Nerd puts the game in and turns it on. He hears a good rendition of the "Back to the Future" theme playing from the game, puts a hand to his right ear, then begins to play the game, and seems happy to play it, happily and tearfully mouthing "Oh my God!" The Nerd then sees Biff Tannen crashing into the back of a manure truck, like in the climax of the movie, "Back to the Future Part II", and happily points at the scene)
The Nerd: A... good Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game? And it was only in Japan?!
(The Nerd suddenly gets angry)
The Nerd: (yells) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?! WE GET THESE SHITTY GAMES (Back to the Future on NES, Back to the Future II & III on NES, and Back to the Future III on Sega Genesis), BUT NOT THAT ONE (Super Back to the Future II on Super Famicom)?! Like, what the Hell?! W-Why would you do that?! It's good! I mean, it's not great, but it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I ever played! It's actually a game! Why bury the gem, and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fuckin' fuck-heaps! People have developed "Fuck it!"-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives kickin' babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time, and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. PUT THIS SHIT DOWN, AND GO TO JAPAN!", (Music fades out) they would've looked at you, like you were tellin' them to go teabag a goat, on the surface of Mars. Well, thank you, for takin' a fuckin' shit on us all. (drinks more Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that; "Guess what?", because you know it's never a good thing. (sighs) But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it... but I'm thinkin' about it.
- The Nerd complains that Power of Love isn't on the Back to the Future NES game soundtrack. However, the repetitive tune that is heard all throughout the game is actually the riff on Power of Love, although obviously in 8-bit and looped almost constantly.