Bugs Bunny: (5 seconds into the intro) Nyeh.
Guitar Guy: ♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play some shitty games that suck ass ♪
♪ He'd rather have a buffalo ♪
♪ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♪
♪ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪
♪ He's the angriest Gamer you've ever heard ♪
♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
(The Looney Tunes Parody Rock and Roll version plays)
Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle (NES)
("I've Been Working on The Railroad" plays while the Nerd gets ready, swigs some Yuengling, and looks for a game. He takes out Barbie on the NES but decides not to play it, puts it back, and swigs some more Yuengling. He walks over to the other side of the shelf and sees Bugs Bunny walk in)
Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh. (chomps on the carrot) What's up, Doc? (holds a game and throws it at the Nerd)
The Nerd: Wow... it's been a while since I've seen you. What game you hit me with? Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle? (sarcastically) I can't wait to play this. (the Nerd tries to punch Bugs, who blocks it and punches him back, knocking him to the ground.) What was that?! (the Nerd tries to fight Bugs, but he gets his ass handed to him. Bugs kicks the game box at him.)
Bugs Bunny: Nya, play the game, Doc!
The Nerd: I'm NOT playin' this shit. (he throws the game box back at Bugs)
Bugs Bunny: Come on, Doc! (takes game cartridge out of box) Stick it in the Nintendo! (throws the game cartridge at the Nerd)
The Nerd: How 'bout stick it up your rabbit hole!?
(The Nerd charges at Bugs, who blocks his punch and kicks him to the floor.)
Bugs Bunny: Nya, when you played Birthday Blowout, you knew you had some unfinished business, Mac. Nya, play the game for two minutes, and I'll let you hit me again. (The Nerd nods in agreement, and puts the game cartridge into the NES Top Loader and turns it on.)
The Nerd: So this is Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle. All you have to do is collect carrots. Once you get all the carrots, you go to the next stage, and it's just the same shit over and over. Crazy Castle? It's not too crazy, is it? The Birthday Blowout game was actually more crazy because that was more like an action game, but this is more like a puzzle game. So why wasn't this one called Birthday Blowout and the other one Crazy Castle? One good thing I have to say: it has the shortest, sweetest password I've seen in a while.
The Nerd: Anyway, there's a bunch of Sylvesters comin' after you. You drop stuff on their heads, or hit 'em with boxing gloves. The only thing you can't do is jump. If you end up in a corner, you're done. Come on, he's a bunny, he can't jump? Oh, fuckin' Coyote cunt, got my ass against the wall. There's no way outta this. Look at him. He's just gonna pace back and forth. Time to commit suicide.
The Nerd: This time, I'm gonna drop this anvil down on him. Oh, he went the other way! You fuckin' shit nugget. You got to time it just right. You see, I'm just gonna to kick this crate over here. There's some Sylvesters-- Oh, fuck! If I can just get the Invisible Ink. Is he just gonna stand there? Great, I'm coming down-- (gets killed) Oh, balls!
The Nerd: Alright, that's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place. That's as much fun as this game is; like putting a turd in a fan or a bandsaw. You just don't do it.
(The Nerd drops the controller and throws the game into the garbage. He then sucker-punches Bugs into the wall, then pins him there and beats him until Bugs blocks his punch. Bugs then proceeds to return the beating and throws the Nerd onto the couch.)
Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 2 (Game Boy)
Bugs Bunny: Sorry, Doc, you ain't done yet. Looks like you got another game! (he hands him a Game Boy Advance SP with a Nintendo Game Boy game in it, which turns out to be The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 2.)
The Nerd: Crazy Castle 2? There's a sequel? How could this be possible? I'm not playin' this! (he gives the game back to Bugs)
Bugs Bunny: But you wanna play it. (he hands it back to him)
The Nerd: No, I don't wanna. (he pushes it back)
Bugs Bunny: Ya do wanna. (he gives it back)
The Nerd: I don't wanna. (he pushes it back)
Bugs Bunny: Ya DO wanna. (he gives it back)
The Nerd: I DON'T wanna. (he pushes it back)
Bugs Bunny: (pause) Ya don't wanna... (he takes it back)
The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back)
Bugs Bunny: Ya don't wanna! (he takes it back)
The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back)
Bugs Bunny: Ya don't wanna! (he takes it back)
The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back) And you're not gonna stop me! (the Nerd realizes he's been fooled)
The Nerd: Crazy Castle 2, what can you say? It's the same shitty game, but on a Game Boy screen. So, in case you need your Crazy Castle action on the go, this is the game for you. The only big difference is that you're collecting keys instead of carrots. When you get all the carrots, you can unlock the final door, and proceed to the next level.
The Nerd: There's more variety of traps and weapons. Watch this, I'm gonna kill Tweety. Yeah, that's what I like to see. You also get these blocks that make you jump, but could they be a little more creative here? How about a spring or a trampoline? Not just a block that says Up.
The Nerd: The controls are a little stiff. I just wanna go up the steps! Ah, fuck! Now I'm dead! They tried to put new things into this game to make it better than the NES version, but it only sucks even more because it's on Game Boy. I mean, look at this. Would you wanna play this? If you do, you probably like playing with dog turds. Alright, I'm done with this. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl.
(The Nerd drinks Yuengling, takes the game out of the Game Boy Advance SP, goes to a trash bin, while looking at Bugs as he finishes his Yuengling, and throws the game away, then smashes his empty Yuengling bottle across Bugs' face.)
(Bugs recovers, however, and shoots a Mario Ball through a slingshot, stunning the Nerd. Bugs dropkicks him in slow motion, knocking him to the ground. As the Nerd lays stunned, Bugs picks him up and slams him down on the futon, causing it to collapse.)
Guitar Guy: (crawling out from under the broken futon) God! You Nintendo dork, you broke my fuckin' couch!
The Nerd: It was the fuckin' bunny. Did you go to fuckin' Bugs Bunny Boot Camp?
(Bugs grabs the Nerd by the throat and pins him to the wall.)
The Nerd: Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up...
Bugs Bunny: We do, Doc, but you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!
The Nerd: That was two years ago....
Bugs Bunny: Well, now, it's your turn, Doc! (Bugs throws the Nerd to the ground and kicks him repeatedly before squatting down.) Nyyaa. (Bugs shits pellet turds onto the Nerd's face. The Guitar Guy sees this, and closes his eyes in disgust.) Geronimo! Nyyaaaaaa! Motherfuckin' Nerd! (The Nerd recovers from the bunny shit being on his face) Nyyaa, ain't I a stinker?
The Nerd: Go away, just leave me alone.
Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 3 (Game Boy Color)
Bugs Bunny: Not yet, Doc. You still got another game. (he throws the Game Boy Advance SP at him)
The Nerd: What?! (Bugs shoots a Nintendo Game Boy Color cartridge at him with the slingshot. The game turns out to be The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3.) Crazy Castle 3?! Crazy Castle 3?! That's impossible... (reluctantly puts in The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3, and opens the Game Boy Advance SP) Now I think I understand the relevance of the title. It's crazy that there's so many sequels! I can see why there'd be one on NES and one on Game Boy, but why another? It's the same fuckin' thing, you go around collecting keys to open the door to get to the next stage.
The Nerd: Now let me ask something: When would there ever exist a door that takes eight keys to open? And it's monotonous how the keys themselves are in doors. The only thing that distinguishes the final door from the rest is that tiny lock which you'd need a magnifying glass to see. What's the point of having these doors, anyway? When you go in the room you find a key every time, so wouldn't it be a little more efficient not to have the doors, just have the keys out in the open? What were they thinking? The only fun part's blowin' the living fuck outta Tweety.
The Nerd: However, it becomes even more redundant after you've annihilated everybody, there's nothing left to kill you, so you're just walking around getting all the keys. Pretty exciting, isn't it? Almost as exciting as watching a dog scarfing out its anus.
(The Nerd takes the game out of the Game Boy and flings it onto the ground. He gets up and attacks Bugs, slamming his head into a wall. Bugs recovers and beats the Nerd down, kicking him into his shelf full of NES games, causing several of them to fall on top of him. The Guitar Guy peers around the corner as the Nerd rubs his head.)
Guitar Guy: Come on, get 'im! He's the one that broke the couch.
The Nerd: Well, technically, it was a futon.
Guitar Guy: I don't care what it is! Get 'im! Boil his bunny balls!
(the Nerd gets up again to fight Bugs again but Bugs gives him a "present.")
Bugs Bunny: Nyaah, here you go, doc.
(The Nerd opens the present and reaches in, only to find a stick of dynamite. The wah-wah-wah-wah music plays again and a jackass covers the Nerd's face before the dynamite goes off, covering him in soot and ash.)
The Nerd: DOGGONE, YOU MEAN OLD SCREWY WASCALLY WABBIT-- What's this?
Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 4 (Game Boy Color)
(Bugs hands the Nerd another Game Boy Color game, which turns out to be Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4. The Nerd holds up a sign that reads, "Yikes!" similar to Bugs on the cartridge art.)
The Nerd: Crazy Castle 4?! How many of these fuckin' games could there possibly be?!
Bugs Bunny: You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist right up your motherfuckin' ass.
(The Nerd looks at Bugs angrily before reluctantly putting Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4 in the Game Boy Advance SP.)
The Nerd: Alright, well, if you just can't get enough Crazy Castle action, here comes number four. It starts out with Bugs Bunny looking at a map. On it, he sees a castle, but all it says is "C Castle". So Bugs thinks about it, and decides that "C" must stand for "Carrot." And that means he thinks the castle's full of carrots, and from how much he loves carrots, he rushes over there. And, of course, the game has to explain it for us that "C" really stands for "Crazy" and not "Carrot," like we're fuckin' idiots. This is only the fourth fuckin' game, right?
The Nerd: You're goin' around, opening doors that lead to rooms that have keys. You get all the damn keys, and go to the final door, but what am I supposed to say? It's so hard to even imagine that this game exists, and I'm tryin' to review it. It's like tryin' to review a pink porcupine with a monkey's head up its butt eating a buffalo's ballsack. Should I describe what it looks like and analyze it, or should I just be so fuckin' shocked the thing even exists?
(the Nerd closes the Game Boy Advance SP in annoyance)
Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, you ain't done yet, Doc. You still gotta get the carrot. (Chomps on his carrot)
The Nerd: Oh, you like fuckin' carrots, don't ya? Huh? Well, why don't you play it, then? You're a bunny, you play! You play this filth! (The Nerd tackles Bugs Bunny and tries to shove the carrot in his mouth) You like fuckin' carrots, don't you? Eat the fuckin' carrot! Come on! (He punches Bugs in the face) Come on, eat this fuckin' carrot, you fuckin' piece of shit! Eat that fuckin' carrot! Rabbits and your fuckin' carrots! Why don't you shove that fuckin' carrot up your fuckin' ass?!
(Bugs kicks the Nerd off and gets to his feet.)
Bugs Bunny: (a rope appears next to him) What's up, Doc? (He pulls the rope as the Nerd looks at Bugs, confused. An anvil falls on his head, dazing him. He slaps the Tweeties flapping around him away in annoyance and goes over to Guitar Guy behind the shelf.)
The Nerd: Give me your guitar.
Guitar Guy: I will not give it to you.
The Nerd: Give me that guitar, I need it!
Guitar Guy: No! It's mine! Get your own guitar!
The Nerd: Give me the guitar, I need it!
(The Nerd takes the guitar from Guitar Guy. Then they both team up on Bugs Bunny but get their asses handed to them. The Nerd starts attacking Bugs with the guitar, but Bugs dodges every time until The Nerd fakes a shot. When Bugs comes back up, the Nerd whacks him in the face with it, knocking him against the wall. He hits him again, causing him to fall, and then proceeds to beat Bugs with the guitar until the body snaps off from the neck.)
Guitar Guy: Great! I guess I just gotta get another couch, and another guitar!
(The Guitar Guy leaves, and the video starts to end, playing the Looney Tunes parody music, but then Bugs gets up, stops the ending, playing a record needle scratching sound, and punches the Nerd.)
Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, of course you realize this means WAR, bitch!
(Bugs starts to beat up the Nerd)
Bugs Bunny: Motherfuckin' Nerd!
(Bugs continues beating the Nerd until he bleeds, causing him to collapse to the floor.)
Bugs Bunny: I pulled this game outta my ass, Doc!
(Bugs pulls a Game Boy Advance game out of his ass)
Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5 (Game Boy Advance)
The Nerd: I've wondered where the shit comes from... (Bugs throws the Game Boy Advance game at the Nerd, and he sees what it is.) Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5? This can't be real. (he opens the box and takes out the game) OK, first of all, how is it Crazy Castle 5 if it's not Bugs Bunny? (Puts the game in the Game Boy Advance SP)
The Nerd: (sighs) It begins with this stupid intro where fairies come and tell Woody he's got to save Crazy Castle from the monsters. The graphics are more advanced, and you have the ability to break things with your beak.
The Nerd: One thing that's really annoying is that when you open a chest to get an item, you don't automatically get the item, so I end up leaving the room, thinking I got the key when I really didn't.
The Nerd: In a good game, like Zelda, you open the chest and that's it. But here you have to stop, wait for the item to dangle in the air, and then grab it. It's like tryin' to grab dried shit dangling from a chihuahua's ass hair. Other than that, there's not a damn thing to say.
The Nerd: I wonder why it's Woody Woodpecker. You know, now that I think about it, both Woody and Bugs were created by the same guy; Ben "Bugs" Hardaway. That's very interesting. Oh, and wait. The very first cartoon to feature a precursor of Bugs Bunny was Porky's Hare Hunt. It had Mel Blanc doing the bunny's voice. He was the same guy who was the first voice for Woody Woodpecker. So Woody and Bugs? Could it be? They're the same?
Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh, what's up, Doc? (Bugs throws a pie in the Nerd's face. Then, the Nerd takes the pie off in anger and stunned shock, and then Bugs Bunny kicks him) That feels good, Doc! Yeah, just like good old times, Doc! Like when I shoved Elmer Fudd's head up the Tazmanian Devil's fuckin' asshole! Nyaaaa, how's it feel to be a dying man, Nerd?! You're a dead man! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
The Nerd: (Commando-style) Bull...SHIT! (The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Rock Remix starts playing as the Nerd comes back and kicks Bugs' ass. He thrashes, punches, pounds and kicks the shit out of him and then gets him in a headlock, ripping his head clean off. As the Nerd flings Bugs' head against the wall, Bugs' headless corpse gets up, with Bugs' head now replaced by Woody Woodpecker's, much to the Nerd's shock.)
Woody Woodpecker: Guess who! (cackling)
The Nerd: I knew it.
(The Nerd tries to fight Woody, but Woody counterattacks and pins the Nerd to the ground.)
Woody Woodpecker: (cackling) You're gonna die, Nerd! (he takes out a bomb and continues cackling)
(Woody places the bomb near the Nerd, who grabs him around the neck and pulls him down to the floor next to him.)
The Nerd: Oh, I don't give a fuck, I'm takin' you with me! Oh, you like to play with bombs, huh? Well, bombs away, you Woody Bunny fuckin' pecker piece of shit!
(The bomb explodes, killing both of them. They both end up in Hell with the Devil. Woody Woodpecker holds a knife mimicking stabbing someone.)
Woody Woodpecker: (Cackling and exclaiming) How'd you like that? (Exclaims) How'd you like that, Nerd? (Continues laughing)
(The Nerd holds up a sign reading, "Fuck!", while the rock version of Looney Tunes plays ending with the "That's all, Fucks!" sign. The credits start and the camera goes back to the Nerd and Bugs Bunny on the floor/futon, thinking it was a dream.)
Bugs Bunny: Nyaaaaaa, what's up, Doc?
- The Nerd apparently did not realize that the game box, cartridge, and even the title screen, actually say "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle." He made a mistake by calling it "Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle."