("Gonna Fly Now" playing)
The Nerd: Right now, it's December 2006, and Rocky VI is coming out. Will it be any good? Well, by the time you see this video, you'll know whether or not. Or, fuck that, it's gonna be great. It's fucking Rocky. There hasn't been a Rocky movie in, like, 16 years. I'm so psyched that I have all five Rocky movies playing in my house at the same time.
The Nerd: This is my projector. It's playing Rocky up on the wall there. And on that '80s TV, I got Rocky II going on. Here in the bedroom, you see Rocky III playing. Out in the living room, there's Rocky IV. And check out the computer. There’s Rocky V.
(camera shows all the TVs and computers in his house.)
The Nerd: Now, there's one extra TV there with a Sega Master System. Hmmm.
(examines the game's box)
The Nerd: "Twice the Mega Power"? What's Mega Power, and how could you have twice as much of it?
(The Nerd puts the game in the Sega Master System and turns on the system.)
The Nerd: The title screen shows a nice colorful display for 8-bit graphics, though I would have preferred a traditional black-and-white side scrolling title, like in the movies. But more importantly, listen to the music.
(the game's title theme plays)
The Nerd: Does it sound anything like the Rocky theme, or any of the music from any of the movies at all?
Rocky Balboa: That, well, that ain't right. This whole thing ain't right, you know?
The Nerd: Well, the graphics are great for its time, but I wonder why Rocky's training in shorts? Not to mention why Apollo's shorts. That didn't happen 'til the third movie. But anyway, this is the training stage, and you just keep tapping the buttons. I really don't know if there's any technique, but you just keep tapping the buttons. Well, this is boring, don't you think? Fuck. Cock-a-fucking-doodle-ass-shit-sucking-ball-fuck, this is fucking boring.
The Nerd: Okay, here we go. We're fighting Apollo. Graphics look great, they're in the proper colored shorts, the ring, the audience, everything looks good, for 8-bit, of course. But I can't say the same for the gameplay. All you do is tap buttons. There's a few different kinds of punches you can execute, like the hook, the straight punch, or an upper cut. And I have the manual, which tells me keeping your distance, hitting up and 2 does the straight punch. Down and 2 does a hook, and standing close, uh, the 2 button alone, or up and 2 does an upper cut. Now, I find that none of that works. So, I just tap buttons. Primarily the 2 button. The other one blocks. And besides the mere simplicity of it, it's just unpredictable as when you're gonna hit or get hit.
The Nerd: The control just sucks shit balls. The worst thing about it is how you move. Unlike traditional controls where you push left, you go left, and if you push right, you go right, Rocky just weaves back and forth on his own. It doesn't make any sense at all. Is there any way to control this? Like, how does it work? I want to know!
Mickey Goldmill: You don't want to know.
The Nerd: Yeah, I want to know!
Mickey Goldmill: Ya want to know?
The Nerd: YEAH, I WANT TO FUCKIN' KNOW!!!
(He reads the instructions, the part he reads scrolls up the screen. Rocky and Apollo fight against each other in the background.)
"To move your player about the ring does not really require any specific buttons for execution. It requires the right situation because your player will be prohibited from moving unless you satisfy these conditions. If you're on the offense and attack freely, your player will move according to the direction of your blows and can be guided to the left/right or forward/backward with your D-button. If you are on the defense, your player will not move in the direction you want until you can guard yourself effectively (Button 1). And then, you must start dealing blows to be in control of your footwork as mentioned above."
So, did you get that? Well, let me sum it up: IT STINKS.
Rocky Balboa: THAT'S RIGHT, IT STINKS!
The Nerd: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros’s asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds. The control in this game... is poo-poo.
The Nerd: Alright, I knocked Apollo down, he starts humping the floor, then he gets back up. He's as easy as crap as long as you just keep tapping the buttons. Knock him down; he humps the floor, gets back up. The repetitive nature of this game is astounding. How many times can he get back up? It's embarrassing. There's no 3-knockdown rule in effect, there's no Mario to come and say "TKO," even though a technical knockout can occur in this game. It takes forever to happen, so it just goes on and on and on.
The Nerd: This is just a button-masher game. I'm just tapping the buttons, I'm not even looking at the game, and what's the difference? I knocked him down, too. I'm dead serious. I'm dead fucking serious.
The Nerd: Eventually, he'll stay down, and you win. Then, you get another training stage. Just wonderful. Is there any point to this? Yeah, I know it's supposed to make me stronger during the fight, but fuck it! I don't feel like tapping the buttons. It's only going make my fingers more tired, and then I'll end up losing the fight, anyway. I'd rather just wait instead. (later) Fuck it.
The Nerd: Alright, well, there's no rematch with Apollo like in the movie, so you just go straight to Clubber Lang. (Clubber Lang repeatedly punches Rocky) Wait! What's this? He's kicking my ass! Or he's punching my face, whatever! Unlike Apollo, Clubber Lang will just rip your asshole inside out. Fuck! God-damn! He's a tough son-of-a-bitch-fucker! Get up! Get up, you floor-fucking dickhead! Stop humping the floor! How does a game go from being so easy to so fucking hard?
The Nerd: Let's try again. This time, no fucking around. Gotta do good on those training stages. Gotta get strong.
Mickey Goldmill: We need... greasy fast speed!
The Nerd: I just gotta keep tapping those buttons 'til I break my thumb.
Rocky Balboa: I should've broke your thumb!
(Shots of the Nerd tapping buttons, fighting, with movie shots and swearing added occasionally.)
The Nerd: FUUUUUUCK! FUCK! DAMN! FUCK! BITCH! FUCK! SHIT! ASS! DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
(video zooms in on Clubber Lang's laughing sprite)
The Nerd: I can't beat him. That's it. It's a short game anyway. There's only three opponents. Looking at the manual, I can see that Ivan Drago is the next and final guy that you fight, but I'm not going to try to torture myself to get that far.
The Nerd: This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather... eat raw eggs. But to be perfectly fair, this was a pretty good game for its time, I guess. It hasn't aged well at all. It's no Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, but hey, it's Rocky, and it can't be as bad as the pinball game.
(Cut to movie scene in "Rocky III" where the pinball machine is destroyed.)
The Nerd: It's been about 20 years since this game came out, and it's also been about 20 years since Rocky Balboa last fought in the ring. I can't wait to see Rocky VI. And that's right. I said Rocky VI, not Rocky Balboa. So, anyway, don't play the game, but go see the movie. It can't be this bad.
Mickey Goldmill: It's a waste of life!
The Nerd: It's like... a waste of life.
Mickey Goldmill: I said that before, ya dumb dago!