The Nerd: Let me take ya back to when Capcom's Street Fighter II came out. I never heard of the first one, but hey, this is an awesome game. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Then comes Street Fighter II: The Champion Edition. Oh, cool. Street Fighter III's next, right? Nope, Street Fighter II Turbo. Okay, awesome. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Super Street Fighter II? Umm, cool. Uh, Street Fighter III? Super Street Fighter II Turbo! WHAT THE FUCK? At first I thought all these updates were kinda nice to hold ya over, but how many times can you update the same fuckin' game? It's gettin' ridiculous. I'm not gonna buy it again. Well, then finally comes... Street Fighter Alpha, then Street Fighter Alpha 2. And after that, I honestly lost track. There eventually was a Street Fighter III, like nine million versions of it, but there was also Street Fighter Zero, Street Fighter EX, EX2, and EX2+. Not to mention way back on the NES there was Street Fighter 2010, and I couldn't tell ya where that fits in.
The Nerd: And speakin' of Capcom, Mega Man's another series where the numbering got confusing. There was Mega Man I through VI on the Nintendo. But then on the Super Nintendo, there's Mega Man X, which at the time, I thought it meant Mega Man 10. But then came Mega Man X2 and X3. Strangely enough, there was a Mega Man VII on Super Nintendo after all. That's right. Two different series going on at the same time. Then on the PlayStation consoles, there was Mega Man X4, X5, X6, X7 and X8. There was even a Mega Man 8, a regular Mega Man 8 on PlayStation. Now only if they made a Mega Man 9, it would come full circle. (NOTE: As of 2010, Mega Man 9 and 10 have since been released.) It doesn't end there, either. What's this? Mega Man: Battle Network series? Mega Man 64 (known as Mega Man Legends)? Did they really make it that far? No. That was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fuckin' title.
The Nerd: Another thing that really grinds my shit is when the Japanese and American releases of games differ. The results can also be pretty confusing. A good example is when Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan, wasn't released in America 'til later. But what we got in its place was a completely different version, though, it was still called Super Mario Bros. 2. And the Japanese one came later as The Lost Levels.
The Nerd: The Final Fantasy series is the prime example. Not being a hardcore fan, I'll attempt to explain it to the best of my knowledge. From what I understand, Final Fantasy II, at the time of its Japanese release, wasn't released in the U.S. Neither was Final Fantasy III. But Final Fantasy IV came out here, and because we didn't have II or III, it wouldn't have made sense to call it IV, so, what do they do? They call it II. Now, Final Fantasy V wasn't released here either. So, when VI came out, that became III. Final Fantasy III also happens to be one of my all-time favorite games on the Super Nintendo. And I remember that after that, SquareSoft started releasing the next Final Fantasy games on PlayStation. Things changed, and now they weren't fuckin' with the titles anymore. So when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII. And that's where the confusion began. I wondered, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO IV, V and VI?" But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO II, III and V?" Once I figured that out I was like, "So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about? I was playin' VI all along and not III? WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' BULLFUCK!"
The Nerd: Now let's talk about movies now, 'cause I have a lot to say. One of the things that really brings my piss to a boil is when there's a movie that has a whole bunch of sequels, all conveniently numbered, but then they suddenly decide to stop numbering 'em.
The Nerd: Take Halloween for example: Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween III, Halloween IV, Halloween V, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween: H20, and Halloween: Resurrection. Oh, God. If they continue like this, years from now, future generations aren't gonna know which order these films came in, unless they do a little research first. What I wanna know is why was it okay to number the first five, but not after that? Like they're embarrassed they made so many. Not to mention each one just sucks harder and harder. And if anything, the more fuckin' sequels there are, the more necessary it would be to just fuckin' number ‘em.
The Nerd: The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now there's ten of 'em. Star Trek I through VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show, and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films, and called them Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection, and Star Trek: Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine, but where'd the fuckin' numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek: Generations Star Trek VII, then why didn't they just call it Star Trek: The Next Generation off the show, and then call the next one Star Trek: The Next Generation II, and just start a new line of sequels? But hey, some of the original cast was in Star Trek: Generations, so instead, they should've called it Star Trek VII/The Next Generation: Part I. (Dr. Spock: Most illogical.) Actually, never mind. Just fuck it.
The Nerd: I've always praised the Rocky movies. What a perfect string of sequel titles. Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV and Rocky V. No subtitles, all Roman numbers, consistent, perfect. But they're gonna fuck it all up now by callin' the new one Rocky Balboa. Seriously, are you kidding me? Rocky Balboa? (Rocky: (slurred) Hey. My name is Rocky Balboa.) Why can't it be Rocky VI? Rocky Balboa sounds like it's the first one but just adding his last name. And what if they made another one? Would they include his middle initial? And then his date of birth? But what a shitload of fuck! What kind of stupid excuse for a title is this? Reveal more of the character's name. It's like makin' a prequel to Forrest Gump, and just callin' it Forrest.
The Nerd: Now with talk of Rambo IV coming out, what are they gonna do? Call it John Rambo?
Rambo: Your worst nightmare.
The Nerd: And speakin' of Rambo, that's a series that somehow completely changed its title. The first one was called First Blood. That's it. First Blood. The second one was called Rambo: First Blood Part II. And then the third one was called Rambo III. So what, they just forgot about First Blood?
Rambo: Fuck 'em.
The Nerd: The correct title would be Rambo II: First Blood Part III.
The Nerd: The Alien series is also pretty fucked up. They start with Alien, then Aliens, which makes sense. First there was one alien, and now there's many. The title's consistent with the plot, and it works. But then, uh-oh. They make a third one. Oh gee, what are we gonna call it? Can't be Aliens's. That won't work. Besides, there's only one alien again. So let's just call it Alien 3. That works. There's not really much else they could've called it. But now you'd think it's time to start numbering the sequels from now on. Ya think? Or, would that just be too traditional?
The Nerd: Well, the next one's called Alien: Resurrection. At first I thought it was a fuckin' joke. Apart from "Resurrection" being one of the most overused words to be found in a sequel, there's no reason not to use the number 4. I mean, you numbered the last movie. Why can't ya number this one? So whaddya wanna do? Do you wanna number 'em, or use cliché words? I don't care which, but make up your fuckin' minds! You don't start numbering sequels and then go back to not numbering them, and there's more than one alien again! So, why isn't the title plural like in Aliens? What were they thinking?
The Nerd: The title of Bruce Lee's first major film was called The Big Boss. But when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or, whoever was responsible, decided to change the title, to Fists of Fury. Okay, well that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called, Fist of Fury. So... uh-oh. We fucked up. What are we gonna call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection. And from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.
The Nerd: Jackie Chan made a movie called Armour of God, and the sequel was called Armour of God 2: Operation Condor. Well, when that came out in the U.S., there was a little difficulty. Armour of God wasn't out yet, so they decided to release the sequel here first, and change the title to just Operation Condor. Well after that, Armour of God actually did make an American release, and it was called Operation Condor 2: Armor of God. A complete reversal.
The Nerd: Now let's talk about the Zombie series.
The Nerd: If ya live in America and you're tryin' to follow these movies, you'll find Zombie 1 through 6, but there's no Zombie 2. What the fuck? A movie series with a missing sequel? Well, here's the explanation. It started off with George Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Yes that's right. The sequel to Night of the Living Dead. The European release of Dawn of the Dead was recut and the title was changed to Zombie. Then there was an Italian-made sequel called Zombi 2. Yes that's right. A sequel to a sequel, which spawned another line of sequels. Geez. Well, when Zombi 2 came out in America, they couldn't call it Zombie 2 because there was no Zombie. Calling it Dawn of the Dead 2 would 've been wrong because it has nothing to do with Mr. Romero's original version, so, they just called it Zombie instead. Yes, Zombi 2 is now Zombie. Not to be confused with the Italian version of Dawn of the Dead, which is also called Zombie. So, when Zombie 3 came out in America they figured, "OK, fuck it. It's only gonna keep getting more confusing. So just fuckin' call it Zombie 3 like it is. But there's no Zombie 2. Fuck it! Don't change the titles anymore."
The Nerd: Now the UK, caught in between this mess, just decided to leave the title of Dawn of the Dead alone, and change Zombi 2 to Zombie Flesh Eaters. Then Zombi 3 would be Zombie Flesh Eaters 2, and so on, and so on.
The Nerd: Speakin' of movie series with missing titles, whatever happened to the Naked Gun movies? First off, why is the sequel called Naked Gun 2 1/2? What's half about it? After all, I assume they incorporated half the script from the third movie into it, and therefore includes half the next movie.
The Nerd: I guess that makes sense, except for the fact that I never saw Naked Gun 3. Or 4. Or 5. Or any of them up 'til Naked Gun 33 1/3. I mean, how the fuck did I miss that many sequels? I couldn't even find them anywhere. They aren't even listed in Leslie Nielsen's filmography so, I guess he wasn't in those. Somebody help me. I can't find them anywhere! Where's the other half of Naked Gun 3? And all the others up to 32? I can't fuckin' find 'em. Where are they? I think it's pretty impressive if they're all numbered, and that's gotta be a record for amount of sequels to a comedy, but damn. That one just blows my mind.
The Nerd: Well, I gotta calm down now. So, that's enough of my gripes. Thanks for listening to my rants, and good fuckin' night.
(Final Fantasy VI Victory Fanfare begins playing.)
The Nerd: [at the end of the credits]: (fanfare stops) By the way, I'm just fuckin' around. (Implying he knows the weird Naked Gun sequel titles were deliberately done as a joke.)