How the Nerd Stole Christmas - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 97
Narrator: Every gamer down in Gameville liked Christmas a lot, but the Nerd, who lived just north of Gameville, did not. He stood there on Christmas Eve, staring down from his cave with a sour, nerdy frown at the warm lighted windows below in their town.
The Nerd: (groans) Christmas. That time of year when everyone gets an awesome new video game, but the ones I always get are so unspeakably lame! Wall Street Kid is a game about cash and stocks. I might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks. Toki: Going Ape Spit, I admit, you can't move while spitting, and die in one hit. Killing Time on 3DO doesn't give you enough ammo. Your parents paying 50 bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks, really sucks. I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports liked Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least.
Then there's games that are so ridiculously hard. Giving a reasonable challenge is something the programmers disregard. Last Action Hero, I can't even pass the first stage. Getting whacked to death by Ernest P. Worrell sends me into a fit of rage. Double Dragon on Atari? What is this shit? I can't even get up and score one hit! S.C.A.T. stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but the dropping of carnivorous mammals is what the word "scat" really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called SHIT! Ballz is an aptly-named travesty on SNES that makes no sense and is a cockamamie butt-brained mess.
The Nerd:I'd be so let down playing on Christmas morning, but a game with a clown, should have come as a warning. All those young gamers get to play something he or she enjoys, while I get the ones with terrible graphics and awful noise, noise, NOISE! If they played two seconds of Ultraman, they'd throw that junk guy wrecking back to Japan. They'd puke at the nauseating affect of Marsupilami. The camera jumps with the character and that's a bunch of shit sausage salami. They'd take an axe to Mad Max, they'd take a fence to Taboo: The Sixth Sense, they'd shriek squeaks and squeals racing around with Bigfoot's uncontrollable wheels. They'd try kicking in Pit-Fighter like there's lead weights tied to their heels. They'd try skating in Skate or Die without falling flat on their face, while staring at Rodney Dangerfield with a mohawk, such a disgrace.
The kids today have their first-person shooters, they talk on their headsets and go online with their advanced computers. They play their music and rhythm games, go jumping around and swinging, when those morning Christmas bells are ringing, they're rocking out in their living rooms jamming and singing. They'd sing and they'd sing and they'd sing, sing, sing, SING!
Narrator: And the more the Nerd thought of this Christmas sing, the more the Nerd thought...
The Nerd: I must stop this whole thing! I've put up with this long enough now, I have to find a way to stop Christmas from coming, but how?
Narrator: Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Nerd got a wonderful awful idea.
The Nerd: I know just what to do.
Narrator: The Nerd laughed in his throat.
The Nerd: I'll make a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
Narrator: And he chuckled and clucked.
The Nerd: What a great nerdy trick. With this coat and his hat I'll look just like St. Nick. While all the gamers are asleep tonight, I'll give them some games they can play all right.
Doug Lacy: You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd. You really are a jerk. You're shameless as a shit mop, you've got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd. I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!
Narrator: The Nerd's sleigh started down to the town where they gamers lay asnooze without care, when he came to the first little house on the square.
The Nerd: This is stop number one.
Narrator: The old Nerdy Claus hissed. He climbed to the roof, bags of shitty games in his fist. he then ducked down the chimney... a bit absurd, but if Mario could do it, then so could the Nerd. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace with the gamer's stockings all hung in a row...
The Nerd: These stockings...
Narrator: he grinned.
The Nerd: are the first things to go!
Narrator: Then he slithered and sluck, so silent and swift. Around the whole room, he took every gift. He took all the games that would make the kids happy, and replaced them with ones that were terribly crappy. The Three Stooges, North & South, Linus Spacehead, Captain America, The Punisher, Bill & Ted!
The Nerd: T&C Surf Design, that one's pretty good, like a rat's ass they'd like it they would. It's by LJN, that's all you need to know. It's the worst surfing experience you'll ever undergo. The controls blow, there's a cat in a tuxedo, a gorilla, some masked man, it's really a freak show. You move around, standing adrift on a motionless tide. One wrong move and it's the end of your hide. Even if you're doing fine, you'll suddenly get hit by a bird. It's as much fun as wringing the stank juice out of a turd. Skating may be the best part, but its still just as tart as a broccoli bean burrito eating skunk that's ready to fart.
Doug Lacy: You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd, you got demons in your soul. You're wacky and you're wicked and your crap is full of gold, Mr. Nerd. You're as charming and fun as a grizzly bear with a gun.
The Nerd: We'll see how they like Circus Caper. It's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor. You're running around knocking down carnival performers and the crowd are all clowns. Why are the clowns in the audience and not in the show? Why do they spell out the name of the game? What shame, we'll never know. When you punch people, items fly straight up in the air. That's unfair, it makes me want to rip out my hair. To hell with Sir Isaac Newton, they don't care. What goes up must come down? Not in this game, they were just fucking around. What turkeys worked on this murky mess of monkey jerky? Some quirky jackass from Albuquerque? Punching, kicking, lunging and sticking, short range attack, bending way back like a broom's somewhat been shoved up your butt, what's that? Bonus stages to keep score, what for? Since Atari, score doesn't matter anymore. When you die, you go back, only one chance, cut me some slack. In this stage, I'm flying around, I want to stay up but they force me to go down. There's no buffer, you can't touch the bottom of the screen. Killed by invisible air space is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Tiny elephants, a kangaroo in a ring, a guy with a sword, all crazy things. Throwing soccer balls at a shit sack, what were they smoking, crack? Jumping in and out of magic hats, fighting over meat with white cats. Save the girl, why am I not thrilled? She was a target for knife throwing? Too bad she didn't get killed.
How about Puss 'n Boots? That one really sucked. Dodging eagle poop in a car? That's really fucked. Nothing's more high class than the Statue of Liberty going right up your ass. Puss 'n Boots appeared on the title screen to Fist of the North Star, what's that mean? A fist coming out of a star? Gee, that's bizarre. One tiny jump takes you to the top of the screen. Damn, you almost touch the score, what are you on, a trampoline? Trying to break blocks, just can't hit the spot, with those white socks just kick til you rot. Walking so slow, why can't you run? So tedious, that's no fun. The boss exploded after I died? A random guy vanished? What, did he just hide? Going upstairs, where am I now? There's no continuity, I don't see how. One minute I'm here, another I'm there. I just reappear anyplace anywhere. Guys jumping through the roof, this game is so glitched. Now they're coming through the floor, what's going on? This is such a bitch. You can't go in most of the doors, like this big one, how can you ignore? Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go? What a bore. Finally when you do find the right door, how do you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down, but PRESSING RIGHT, B, AND A! How much were they drinking? Why is it so stinking? I'm staring unblinking, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
Singer: You're a foul one, Mr. Nerd. You're a dreadful, drunken schmuck. Your mouth is full of cusses, your mind is full of yuck, Mr Nerd. The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote, fick, fack, fuck!
Narrator: It was in the morning light that the gamers began to rise, and in the Nerd's delight, eagerly listened in on their surprise.
The Nerd: I know just what they'll do, those swines. They'll play those horrible games, their Christmas will be ruined like all mine.
Narrator: The nerd put his hand to his ear, and he did hear those sounds growing fast. At first, they were aghast, but then, they started to laugh. Every gamer down in Gameville, the tall and the small, was playing with the worst games of all. He hadn't ruined Christmas, it came just the same. The Nerd with his Nerd feet cold in the snow stood puzzling and puzzling.
The Nerd: How could it be so? It came with Bad Dudes. It came with Swamp Thing. It came with Goonies, Waldo, and Ring King.
Narrator: He puzzled and puzzled 'til his puzzle was sore. Then the Nerd thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe bad games mean a little bit more. He rode into Gameville for the girls and boys. He brought back their presents, all the games and the toys. Both the good and the bad, the outdated and the rad, the notorious and nifty and the PlayStation 3's, the Xbox 360's and the Nintendo Wii's. He brought everything back, all the games for the feast, and he himself, the Nerd, played Beauty and the Beast. Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer, cheer to all the gamers far and near. Welcome Christmas while we play some pretty fucking shitty games today.