Full House & Urkel Games - Board James (Episode 24)
(Episode begins with an theme from a Full House-like parody which the cast are in yellow Times New Roman text. In the intro, we see Motherfucker Mike cuts the leaves, Bad Luck Bootsy looking at some vinyl records and Board James calls in on the phone. Then, we see clips of Board James' friends playing at previous times, like the Dream Phone)
BOARD JAMES
MotherFucker Mike
Bad Luck Bootsy
James Rolfe
(In the board game room, Board James is finished sweeping the floor on a broom)
Board James: Alright, everything's back in order now, after Hurricane Bootsy blew this place to bits. (The audience laughs)
Board James: Who's laughing? (Still, audience laughing)
Board James: That wasn't even funny!
(Motherfucker Mike enters the board game room holding the table)
Motherfucker Mike: Here's your table.
Board James: Ah! Where'd you come from?
Motherfucker Mike: I've been here, I've been helping you clean up.
Board James: Oh right, thanks.
Motherfucker Mike: Well, I gotta go.
Board James: Oh come on, let's uh, play another game.
Motherfucker Mike: I gotta go, uh... wash my hair... (Audience laughs)
Board James: Oh come on, just one more game!
Full House[]
(Cut to Mike and James sit on a table and it shows a Full House board game holding by James)
Board James: Full House!
Motherfucker Mike: They made a game based on Full House? How's that possible?
Board James: Because anything popular can be immortalized in cardboard, I don't know! It was made by Tiger, the same company that made the handheld electronic version of Full House. For some reason, Full House was such a big show. Remember every Friday night? If you weren't going to the video store to rent a movie, you and your family would be stting around the living room watching TGIF. The TV marathon with Full House, Family Matters...
Motherfucker Mike: Perfect Strangers, Step By Step.
Board James: Yeah, you remember TGIF. Yeah.
(Meanwhile, Bad Luck Bootsy enters the board game room while singing the TGIF theme, and applauds in the audience)
Bad Luck Bootsy: ♪ Friday Night, and the mood is right... Gonna have some fun, show you how it's done, TGIF! ♪
Board James: Oh come on, Bootsy, how can you just barge into somebody's house like that?
Bad Luck Bootsy: Don't you ever knock? I looked in the window to make sure no one was in their underwear. (Audience laughs)
Board James and Motherfucker Mike: He sucks his own dick.
(The audience laughs, then Bad Luck Bootsy hops in set by a video game spring sound effect)
Board James: The object of the game is to drive around town looking for all the six members of the family and bring them back home. They might be at the movie theater, the mall, the school... It's like a collection of all the different places from your childhood. Roll a die, move your car, and when you land on a place, you draw one card. When you find Danny, Jesse, D.J., Stephanie, Michelle, and Becky and the Twins... You bring them back to the house, so it's a full hand of cards.
Bad Luck Bootsy: Like a Full House!
Board James: Yeah, it's a fucking Full House!
Motherfucker Mike: That's so stupid...
Board James: If you land on a Joey Joke space, you draw a Joey Joke card... You tell the joke and then you get an extra turn.
Motherfucker Mike: Why do we have to tell the joke? Can't I just take the extra turn?
Board James: 'Cause that's how the game's played, it says... "As a reward for your joke, you immediately get another turn." "I was pretty crazy in the 70's, now I can get crazy at any temperature." (Bad Luck Bootsy laughs) To say, these jokes are not funny at all..
Board James: "I love working in television, but they're getting so small and the wires get in the way."
Bad Luck Bootsy: (laughs) Oh my God, you gotta be kidding me.
Board James: "My dad had good advice when I was a kid, I'd get real crazy at times, and he said 'Don't get carried away, you'll have to walk back.'" (Bootsy makes more laughs and strange noises appear)
Bad Luck Bootsy: Aah, what do you know, another one. "My mom is such a bad cook, we'd say grace after dinner!" (He laughs again) What do you know? Can't help but keep landing on these joke spaces. "I got fired from my factory job, my boss didn't like me coming in late, I told him I was trying to cut down on my mistakes." (Bootsy pauses in and makes a little laugh)
Board James: I don't remember jokes from the show ever being this bad.
Motherfucker Mike: Whatever happened to the humor from the show? What about... (Mike begins imitating as Joey) "Is it made of wood?"
Bad Luck Bootsy (Imitating Michelle): "You got it, dude!"
Board James: Oh my lanta.
Motherfucker Mike (Imitating Joey): "Cut it out."
Bad Luck Bootsy (Imitating Michelle): "Duuuh."
Board James: Oh nuts..
(Motherfucker Mike imitates Joey's laugh sound from Popeye)
Bad Luck Bootsy (Imitating Michelle): "You're in big trouble, mister!"
Board James: Oh, please.
Motherfucker Mike (Imitating Danny): "Have mercy."
Bad Luck Bootsy (Imitating DJ): "How rude!"
Motherfucker Mike (Imitating Jesse): "Not the haiiir."
Bad Luck Bootsy (Imitating Archie from All in the Family): "Will you stifle yourself, heh?"
(Mike looks weird and the laugh tracks stopped)
Board James: Enough! Enough! I can't take the laugh tracks anymore! Alright, well, you wanna play another game? Keeping in tradition with the TGIF marathon...
Dinosaurs[]
(He picks up the Dinosaurs board game)
Board James: Dinosaurs!
Motherfucker Mike: TGIF? Dinosaurs isn't a show I think about when I think of TGIF.
Board James: Oh, they changed the schedule a bunch of times, but it was on there!
Motherfucker Mike: Yeah, on there for like 2 minutes.
Bad Luck Bootsy: Aaah, I've never even watched it.
Board James: Well, fuck you guys then. (He puts down the Dinosaurs game and the audience laughs yet again)
Steve Urkel from Family Matters in Do The Urkel[]
Board James: Here's one that everybody knows! (He then picks up the Steve Urkel board game) Steve Urkel from Family Matters in Do The Urkel! Everybody knows Urkel, he was my hero, I looked up to Urkel!
Motherfucker Mike: That's because you're such a nerd. (Audience laughs)
Board James: The object of the game is to be the first player to collect eight halves of bowtie cards to make four bowties.
Motherfucker Mike: Bowties? Why do you got to collect bowties?
Board James: Because Urkel wears bowties.
Bad Luck Bootsy: Why isn't it cheese or anything?
Board James: I don't know guys, can we just play the fucking game!?
Board James: To get bowties, you set them up in this 4-sided tray and roll the die. You take whichever bowtie the arrows are facing. Turn them around and you might have to perform an action.
Motherfucker Mike: "Laugh and Snort", Can't I just take it? Do I really have to laugh and snort?
Board James: You gotta do it, that's how you play the game.
Motherfucker Mike: Alright. (He laughs and snorts like Urkel)
Bad Luck Bootsy: "Sing the Urkel Song"? I don't know the words, how does that go?
Board James: It's in the box, sing it.
Bad Luck Bootsy (rapping):: ♪ Now if you wanna do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants, bend your knees and stick out your pelvis, I'm telling you, baby, it's better than Elvis! ♪
Board James: "Imitate Urkel." (He imitates Urkel and he and the audience laughs) "Anybody got any cheese?"
Bad Luck Bootsy: "Hike up your pants?"
Board James: Hike up the damn pants.
Motherfucker Mike: You have to do it! We're playing by the rules, hike 'em up!
Bad Luck Bootsy: Alright.
(Bootsy hikes up his pants and groans)
Motherfucker Mike: Another one?
Board James: More, more! Hike those pants up! (Bootsy still hikes up the pants and groans) Gotta hike up the pants. Hike up the pants!
Bad Luck Bootsy: Another one!?
(Motherfucker Mike tells them to go up his pants and Bootsy hikes up more as it reaches the shirt. he then groans in high pitched and the audience still laughs once more)
Board James: Hike up your pants! You cunt face fucking shithead, fuckface! Asshole! Bitch fucking shithead fuckface! Yeah, oh, oh God, ahh...
Board James: If you get a Do the Urkel card, you can play it against another player and make them do the Urkel. You gotta do the Urkel.
Motherfucker Mike: So I have to dance?
Board James: Not exactly, according to these instructions, you're supposed to put on this Steve Urkel finger puppet and dance your fingers around on these numbered spaces. That's not all, you're also supposed to wear these cardboard glasses, so that you can't see anything.
(Motherfucker Mike wears the cardboard glasses and holds the Steve Urkel finger puppet, which it looks like Urkel, and he smiles. James is shocked)
Motherfucker Mike: You like these glasses, don't ya? They'd suit you!
Board James: No, they wouldn't. Instructions say, you stop dancing at any time, look at the numbered area that each finger is touching, Take the higher of the two numbers and return that number of bowtie cards to the bottom of the deck.
Bad Luck Bootsy: Eh, heh! This is great, lemme try that, lemme try that! (Bootsy wears now the cardboard glasses holds the Urkel finger puppet and dances around the board game) I don't know where I'm going, I'm dancin' now, I'm dancin'
Board James: No, no, no, watch it, watch it!
Bad Luck Bootsy: What's going on? I can't see! I'm blind! I can't see! I can't see! Help me! I can't see!
(Bootsy stands up, then the table and board game falls off on the floor and Mike and James begins to scream)
Bad Luck Bootsy (Imitating as Steve Urkel): Mm, did I do that? (The audience laughs one more time)
Board James: I can't stand the laughter, why, God, does it keep laughing... STOP! I can't take any more! Why is it all have got to be laugh, laugh! Laugh! Tell me when to laugh! (James makes now a maniacal laughter) Tell me when to laugh!
(James continues makes a maniacal laugh again and sobs. Then, dramatic music plays as Mike and Bootsy both wear cardboard glasses with James becomes worried just like in a simillar dramatic scene in every episode from Full House)
Bad Luck Bootsy: James, James, James, James, what's the matter, what's the matter?
Motherfucker Mike: Yeah, James. If something's bothering you, you can tell us.
Board James: I, uh.. just don't know what the point of all the laughter is.
Motherfucker Mike: I know how you feel, but laughter is a big part of human nature.
Bad Luck Bootsy: Hearing laughter creates the illusion that other people are there.
Motherfucker Mike: It makes you feel like you're a part of a group.
Bad Luck Bootsy: Without it, you feel alone... you don't like feeling alone, right?
Board James: I'm not alone, I have friends.
Motherfucker Mike: You don't have any friends.
Bad Luck Bootsy: You don't need to pretend. It's okay not to have any friends.
(James is now shocked and we cut to James playing Crossfire, without friends in Nerd's game room. This was probably different in the Board James' Crossfire episode)
Board James: Hey! Stop touching my balls! Hey, where'd all the balls go, you have all the- (He pauses for a second) HEY! You asshole!
(Cut back to James, as Mike and Bootsy disappear in the board game room. James is now being surprised)
Board James: You guys are my friends, guys? Guys!?