Cheetahmen - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 91
Cheetahmen[]
The Nerd: Last episode, we looked at the master-piece of shit that is Action 52. Now, we're lookin' at the last game. (Selects "Cheetahmen" on the "Action 52" game selection screen) Number 52: Cheetahmen. This is like the feature presentation. There's a comic book that came with the game, and plans for a whole line of Cheetahmen action figures and merchandise. They must've spent all their focus on this one game, so this one's gotta be good... right?
(The Nerd controls Aries, the Cheetahman with two wooden clubs. Aries touches the edge of a pool of water with the very top of his head, and he instantly explodes into four glowing orbs, angering the Nerd.)
The Nerd: (banging his controller on the couch) IT SUCKS! MONKEY! BUTTS! LIKE ALL! THE FUCKIN'! REST! (The Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock and calms down.) Okay... let's go.
The Nerd: Well, it's not AS bad as the other games. For one thing, it actually has a story. "The Action Gamemaster was at home playing his video game, when suddenly, an arm reached out of the TV and pulled him inside..." Yo, watch the gonads. "When he looked up, he saw three gigantic yellow bodies. It was the Cheetahmen." Oh, really? "He began to explain. The Cheetahmen told of the enemies here in the game world. Don't worry, we will fight for you... The Cheetahmen ran off.... and now.... The Cheetahmen." What kinda story is that? The Cheetahmen are fighting for some gamer that got sucked into the TV? Whom we never refer to again?
The Nerd: What's this, a crotch burglar? Yeah, burglars your crotch. (sarcastically) Oh yeah, the enemies in this game are so inspired! They even resort to recycling characters from other Action 52 games like Boob Lady and Saddam Hussein. Dude, think about it. A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein. Whoa! I never thought I'd see that. (Aries punches an enemy and the music stops for a second) That's weird. Whenever you hit somebody, the music pauses for a brief moment.
The Nerd: As far as the gameplay goes, there's not a whole lot to say. You just move right and kill everything in sight. (Aries tries to climb up a ladder, but he can't) What the hell? I can't go up? I can't go right either?! (Aries can now climb the ladder) Oh, you gotta go right BEFORE you can go up. That makes a whole lotta sense, just because the screen didn't move all the way. (Aries can't go past a hole) Now what's this, I can't walk past a hole? Even though I'm as high up as the game will allow. If you can only pass the hole from below, why is there such a big space up there?! Not to mention, why couldn't the cheetah fall down the hole instead of exploding into four glowing orbs?
The Nerd: Oh, and guess how the level ends? (Aries moves to the right and the game goes to a screen that says "Level 2") Like that. It just stops. What more do you expect?
The Nerd: Welcome to the most awesome glitch of all. I'm jumping perpetually in mid-air. Yeah, I could do this all day. That's no problem. (Aries dies just by hitting the ceiling and coming through the floor) Oh, what the fuck? I went through the top of the screen and came out the bottom and died? You might say it's my fault for cheating, but come on, when I fall down, I don't drop through the ceiling and live. Besides, there's more enemies in the air than on the ground, so, I don't recommend it.
The Nerd: In Level 3, you're a different Cheetahman. This is where the game starts to get hard. First of all, to die, all it takes is a few hits. Then because this big tub of fuck is such a large target, you can't duck either. So there's not much you can do to avoid all these projectiles. The jumping glitch only gets ya so far. (dies) Fuck. (dies again) Fuck! (dies another time as he grunts) EUNGH! (falls into a hole) Ah no! (he ends up at Level 9, the warp level in the game.) Wait a minute... (the Nerd becomes shocked when he finds a 1-Up) A 1-up? And it skips me to the next level? Aww, kick fuckin' ASS! (he grins) Life is kinda cool sometimes.
The Nerd: But here's the weird part: the next level's supposed to be 4, but it's called 3. So there's two Level 3s? It begins with this bizarre flashing disco strobe with Tetris blocks. What's that all about? And what's this, a health bar? I have a health bar all of a sudden? Well, that's convenient. I don't know why it's not in the other levels.
The Nerd: And now the jumping glitch doesn't work anymore? The rules of jumping change from level to level? The major reason why it's so difficult is because you outrun the screen. So you're always taking damage from enemies that you can't see until it's too late. I mean, look how far to the right I am. (Hercules, the cheetah that uses raw strength, takes damage) Aw, shit.
The Nerd: You gotta jiggle back and forth just to get the screen oriented properly. Rhino Man here, or Rocksteady, whoever the fuck he is, he kills you in one hit. Doesn't matter how much health you have, he runs right in and you're dead. The only way to beat him is to very slowly inch your way up, and as soon as he appears, you run all the way to the left. If you're just a hair too late, you're dead. Then ya have to make very subtle taps with the D-Pad to get yourself facing right, and one tiny step forward, just enough so he can't touch you. It's like the only way to beat this game is to cheat! Guess that's why it's called Cheetahmen.
The Nerd: Now we're up to Level 4, which is actually 5. This time, you get a cheetah that shoots arrows with a crossbow. You think that would make it easier, but NO! The arrows never hit anything! They're too small, and you can only shoot one at a time.
The Nerd: It doesn't matter how careful you are; the enemies will always sneak in a hit before you can kill them. By the way, the health bar's gone again, but the formula's the same: three or four hits and you're dead. And I die on the first three or four enemies! (Apollo, the cheetah with a crossbow, dies four times.)
The Nerd: Wow... the fucknuggets who made this game thought they were gonna make action figures and it was gonna be the next best thing to Ninja Turtles? Well - that's the end of Action 52... (his face close up to the camera) but... they made... a Cheetahmen SEQUEL. Oh yeah! You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder, how could it have even made it into stores? Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable... the game was NEVER released.
The Nerd: The cartridges were taken to a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late 90s, a massive break-in took place. The cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items.
The Nerd: That's a true story. Except that the real story was... probably a little less dramatic than that. Only 1,500 of these games are known to exist, and they command outrageous prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or not, but... here it is. (the Nerd reveals the "Cheetahmen II" game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad, it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. Let's pop this golden turd in and give it a go.
Cheetahmen II[]
The Nerd: The plot involves a Dr. Morbis, who creates an ape-man to fight the Cheetahmen. At least it explains who the villains are this time, and no mention of the stupid Gamemaster. The gameplay and graphics are similar to the first Cheetahmen, and it reuses the same music. Geez, at least TRY to do something different. If they made Cheetahmen vs. Chester Cheetah, that shit would be the motherfuckin' ass! The only thing original about this game is that you shoot tornadoes with a crossbow. Yeah. Next time there's a tornado ripping through town, just shoot an arrow at it.
The Nerd: At least there's a health meter this time. But how many hit points do I have? A half, and two and a half? The glitches are outta control: blocks randomly change color, there's a stone nugget that keeps appearing outta nowhere, and what is THAT? (The Nerd is referring to a 'hidden block' {out of Super Mario Bros.} that gives you a coin, on top of Apollo, when he jumps.) The game's taking an 8-bit shit.
The Nerd: You'd think they would've ironed out all the flaws, and improved all the mistakes made the first time around, but no! Somehow, they actually made it worse! Like pouring salt on an open wound.
The Nerd: You die by jumping. Yeah. If you walk and fall, you're fine, but jumping from a great height, you're fucked. (Apollo jumps from the platform to a wooden fence that has a sharp point, not the top, but he fails because it is not a platform.) Oh, come on! I can't land on that thing? Then why is it there?
The Nerd: The biggest issue is not being able to duck. You couldn't duck in the first game either, but here, 90% of your enemies are on the ground. That's a major problem. I still can't accept this fact, so I'm always hoping in vain that if I press Down hard enough, it'll duck. Sometimes, enemies come in pairs. You can't even jump over that shit! They can't hit me here, right?
(Apollo jumps back to the top platform, the enemy hits the top platform, and Apollo's health meter goes down.)
The Nerd: What?! Let's see that again. (replay) You can't even STAND above the enemies! (Points to the bird enemies) The only enemies that aren't on the ground are up in the air. Can't jump over, can't duck, and can't even shoot with a straight shot! You have to pull off a tricky jumping shot, but the enemies appear so quickly, ya don't have time!
The Nerd: (Dr. Morbis) The second level boss, on the other hand, is too easy! All he does is run to the right. Never jumps, never throws anything, never changes pattern, just runs in the same direction, until he's dead.
The Nerd: Level 3: It's the big cheetah again. Since all the enemies are stationed on the ground, the jumping glitch actually works favorably this time. But I don't feel bad about it. You know what, game? All this shit you put me through the first two levels? Now it's my turn! Yeah! You wanna play dumbass? Well - double dumbass on you, motherfucker! You swine! You son of a motherless goat!
(Level 3: The Nerd becomes surprised)
The Nerd: Level 3? Both games have two level 3s? How'd they repeat the same mistake twice? Maybe it was intentional.
The Nerd: Now it's time for the Ape-Man. Oh, get your head outta my crotch, you monkey fuck. UNGH! You won't get me this time, you son of a bitch! HUH! HUNGH! (Hercules appears to be raping the ape and this shocks the Nerd.) HU-ah-aaaww... Whoa! Speakin' of monkey fuck. Get back here, ya shit biscuit. (The ape-man disappears or is killed, but Hercules is stuck in the stage) Where'd he go? (The Nerd scratches his head) He's... not comin' back, is he? Aw, man. All right. So can I jump up and kill myself? (It doesn't work) No? Not this time when I need it?!
The Nerd: This is limbo. This is purgatory. The only thing I can do now, is reset the fuckin' game. (The Nerd resets the game and plays through the whole levels until he reaches the Ape-Man) You're not gonna get away this time! MMM! MMM! UGH! UGH! UGH! MMM! (Ape-Man dies) (Laughing) AAW-yeah! Bitch! (Nothing happens and Hercules is still stuck in the stage. The Nerd is shocked to see this.)
The Nerd: Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as you could possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... (the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) but... there's yet ANOTHER Cheetahmen game. (The Nerd holds up the cartridge: Action 52 for the Sega Genesis)
Action 52 on Sega Genesis[]
The Nerd: Yeah. Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?
The Nerd: Well - you'd think it would be the same as the NES version, except for enhanced graphics, but believe it or not, it's totally different. So, before we can move on to the last Cheetahmen game, let's take a quick look at what these assholes shat out this time. (Game starts up) That music is so Genesis. It's nice we have outer space on the title screen. I mean - at least they're being upfront with it this time. Look at me, I'm shooting at strands of vomit in Space Town. But to tell you the truth, there's not that many space shooters. There's only about six. That's kind of astonishing. They probably made up for it with the abundance of puzzle games. There's nothing wrong with something that challenges your mind, but this went WAY overboard. It's called "ACTION 52"; I want some action. Besides, if you're gonna make a puzzle game, can you at least have some instructions?
The Nerd: There's a game called Echo, which is basically Simon Says. Come on, that thing was in every toy store in the 80s, did we really need a watered-down version on a Sega Genesis cartridge?
The Nerd: There's definitely more of a variety here than on the NES. There's a pinball game, a boat game, a skiing game, and a handful of different action games. But, they're all just shittier clones of mediocre NES titles. There's a flying game that's worse than Top Gun, and there's a racing game that's a shittier version of Rad Racer. There's also a tank game based off Storm Over the Desert. Remember in the NES version, you're invincible, and anything you touch explodes? Well here, it's the total opposite! You can't even touch a soldier! What kinda tank is that? Then there's games that are too easy. In Alien Attack, if you just keep running right and shooting, nothing will stop you. In the Ninja game, you can actually run through everybody! In Bombs Away, you're running through a village avoiding bombs. But they'll never hit you as long as you keep moving. You can also jump like you're on a trampoline. Look at him! He jumps higher than the houses! And there's nothing to jump over. No holes, no obstacles, nothing at all! There's also a boxing game where the same thing happens. Have you ever seen a boxing match where somebody jumped? Let alone 10 to 20 feet in the air?
The Nerd: Another theme I've noticed is roadkill. There's a game called Freeway, which is an exact clone of an Activision game called, uh... Freeway. They didn't even change the title. Instead of a chicken running across the street, you're a dog. (The dog gets run over by a car and is torn into guts and blood; the Nerd stares in horror) That's horrible! The poor dog doesn't just get run over, it gets smushed into pieces!
The Nerd: The other roadkill game is Skater. You're some kid on rollerskates jumping 50 feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles... are dead cats. At least I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game, and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road, like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you could put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats?
The Nerd: The names of these games are as mystifying as before. The tank game is called Norman. Is Norman the name of the guy in the tank? Then there's Sunday Drive. Yeah, just chillin' out, goin' for a nice, relaxing Sunday drive, speedin' through traffic at a hundred miles per hour on a five-lane highway. There's no accelerator. All ya get is a horn, which doesn't do a damn thing. Oh look, Segaville: Next Exit. Again... and again... and again. For a non-existent exit, it sure has a lot of signs. There's a lot more two-player games this time around, so if you're playin' by yourself, that's just more games you can skip.
The Nerd: Dyno Tennis is pretty funny though. You're two dinosaurs whacking a caveman back and forth. And a purple dinosaur, really? Don't we have Barney? (shows a picture of Barney) Isn't that enough? They recycled the same grunt and scream sound effects countless times. (compendium of screaming and grunting) Even the spaceship screams!
The Nerd: They must've been really hard-pressed coming up with ideas to fill 52 games. This one, called Appleseed, is just a farmer catching apples! (imitates the farmer using a Southern accent) Y'all, shit, motherfuckers! Damn apples come outta trees so fast, motherfuckers! (normal voice) Then there's this shitty drawing game! Yeah, try drawing with the D-Pad!
The Nerd: Game #51 is called 1st Game. Seems like a contradiction. Why isn't it The 51st Game? Well, guess what? It's Pong. This blows my mind on so many levels. First of all, just the fact that they had to use Pong to fill in one of the games. Second, that Pong even EXISTS on Sega Genesis. And third... the first game? Like it's the first video game ever made? That's debatable. The Odyssey came out the same year (1972), and that was being worked on since the 60s. And before that, there was Space War, and if ya REALLY wanna go back, there's those old games made outta radar equipment, like Tennis for Two. So that's all they got for the 51st game? As for the 52nd game, there is none. It's just a trial run of the hardest levels from the other games. So, technically, it shouldn't even be CALLED Action 52. There's only 50 games. But at least they're all functional. Only once I've had a game crash, and it worked after I reset the Genesis. So, just being able to play all the games is more than can be said for the NES version.
The Nerd: As for the games with identical titles, they're all different, and improved from their NES counterparts. In Ooze, you can actually jump better; in Dedant, your ant can actually move up and down, and in Sharks, there's blood. So, let's move on to Cheetahmen... so I can clean my hands of this Action 52 shit. For some reason, this time it's game #13. I guess they'd realize that there's no sense saving it 'til the end, because it's just as shitty as all the other games.
The Nerd: There's no story this time. No explanation, no intro, just a title screen, and then it drops ya straight into the game. Is this the badass 16-bit version of Cheetahmen we'd hoped for? The background looks like the wallpaper in a baby's room. And the music... well, just listen. (music from the game) Sounds like somethin' you'd hear if somebody slipped on a banana peel. Even the NES music was better.
Cheetah: (Screams and grunts)
The Nerd: One hit deaths? Isn't that great.
Cheetah: (Yells)
The Nerd: How do I keep dyin' on the same part? I know you're comin'. I know you're comin'!
Cheetah: (Cries out)
The Nerd: Aw, fuck! It's because you outrun the screen. Why's it gotta be like that? And what's up with the punching? When you tap the button just once, it throws two or three punches. You can only punch while standing still and if your timing isn't perfect, it leaves you vulnerable.
Cheetah: (Yells)
The Nerd: Well, I've made it to the end of the screen, I think. So, my only guess is that you're supposed to collect all these cheetah icons. I mean, who knows? It's not like the game gives ya instructions.
The Nerd: Oh, and after you die, just once, all the icons are back, so ya might as well just reset. Augh, gettin' on these vines is such a bitch!
Cheetah: (Screams)
The Nerd: UGH! And look at that, am I on the vine, or what? I'm not gonna let that thing kill me this time. Aw, there's a bat!
Cheetah: (Yells)
The Nerd: Ugh! You MOTHER OF AN ASS! Look at this situation!
(Cheetah punches the snake)
Cheetah: (Grunts)
The Nerd: Yes!
(Snake touches the cheetah)
Cheetah: (Screams)
The Nerd: NO! I can't even beat the first level, and I'm trying as hard as I can! Oh my God, oh my God! No! NO! NOOOOO!
(Bat touches cheetah)
Cheetah: (Yells)
(The Nerd throws his controller away)
The Nerd: I don't believe it. (Huffs) I just... can't believe it, that... this is even LESS playable than the NES version! You'd think by now they'd come back down to Earth and UNFUCK themselves!
The Nerd: But you know what the really good news is? (happily) I'M DONE WITH ACTION 52!
(The Nerd puts his party hat on and blows the party horn as he celebrates with fireworks, and the credits roll.)
Trivia[]
General[]
- The closing credits were recycled from the Metal Gear episode.
- This is the third episode that uses Dorman. T Reign's instrumental cover of the theme song.
- "Guess that's why it's called "Cheat-ahmen." is a possible callback to one of the weasel's riddles in the Who Framed Roger Rabbit episode.
- The Indiana Jones music that plays while the Nerd discusses Cheetahmen II’s history is removed from the DVD version. The images from the movie that appear are also replaced with drawings by Mike Matei.
Cultural references[]
- The phrase "Aww, kick fuckin' ass! Life is kinda cool sometimes." is a reference to the 1999 documentary film American Movie.
- When the "jumping glitch" in Cheetahmen II starts working in his favor, the Nerd makes two consecutive movie references: "Well - double dumbass on you!" is a reference to Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, and "You swine! You son of a motherless goat!" is a reference to ¡Three Amigos!