Action 52

(The Nerd takes out a catridge that looks like a piece of bread from the Nintoaster (made by), throws it away, and puts in Punch-Out and play it.)

Nerd: It's a Nintoaster. And yes, it works.

(AVGN Theme starts)

Nerd: Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get request for this game...all the time. Like this one right here: Action 52: Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks. Wow! I guess I got to do it now. Let's start with the cartridge. It's the freak misfit of the NES library. Games came in gray, black, blue, silver, gold. But clear?! You can tell just by looking at it; this is the game that is so bad, it has nothing to hide. Another thing, if you play for more than an hour, not that you want to, it gets really hot and smells like burning plastic. It's not because of the toaster. The same thing happens if you play it on the toploader. Not only is this game crap, but it's crap that comes with a price. $199.00! That's a lot of money! But, there's 52 games. (Nerd takes out his calculator out of his shirt pocket and starts doing calculations) So let me calculate this: $199 divided by 52 equals...(calculator shows 3.826923) uh...well, you got to pay tax too, so let's just say four dollars a game. Wow! What a deal! 52 action packed games bundled in to one cartridge?! All for an efficient price?! It was every kid's dream. MORE GAMES! MORE GAMES! YEAH!

(Game starts up)

Lights! Camera! Action 52! Awww-hawwww! Where did they get the music?

(scene shows an album from Rob Base & D.J. E-Z Rock: It Takes Two) (music also plays from that album while the Action 52 intro theme is playing)

Okay...um, the significance? It takes two. Action 52? (shrugs)

(both music stops)

(Game: Make your selection now!)

Well, let's get this thing started. We're gonna have ourselves a little marathon here and determine if the $199 was worth it.

1. Firebreathers (Fire Breathers)

Game Number One: Firebreather. Okay...well, it's pretty self-explanatory. And would you know this is the only game on the entire cartridge that's two players only?! Gee, which game should we start with? Well, how about the only game that you can't play alone? Well, that's four dollars wasted already.

2. Starevil (Star Evil)

Number 2: Star Evil. (The Nerd starts the game and the plane, in which he is controlling, starts by crashing into the wall, and in which makes the Nerd surprised) Who's gonna dodge that?! Nobody! Not the first time. You have to know: "Oh, this is gonna be a vertical 2D shooter and there's gonna be an obstacle immediately at the start of the game." That's one way to get you on your toes. Other than that, it's real easy. As long as you keep firing, none of the enemies come anywhere near you. I guess that makes sense. If I was an intergalatic vacuum cleaner getting shot at, I'd be like, "Oh, fuckin' hell! There's a manura shooting Q-Tips! Get out of the way!" Not even the first level boss wants to be involved. Sometimes it doesn't show up at all, and you're stuck in dead end. What happened?! Did the game give up?! Augh! That's another four dollars. Next!

3. Illuminator

Number 3: Illuminator. You're not even allowed to see in this game?! Real fun idea! For a room that has about a thousand light bulbs, it sure goes dark a lot. And they're just decorations. Thought you could light a room with a light?! No! You got to kill vampires. But, after you killed one, you only get one second before the room goes dark again! Who wants to play a game that's pitch black?! It's so black I could see my reflection in the screen! The question is: How much more black could this be? And the answer...is none. And no, you can't go any further. This is it. Great fucking game!

4. G-Force Fgt. (G-Force)

Number 4: G-Force f...what?! Or just G-Force! It's another 2D shooter. You know what? This would be okay...for Atari 2600. The only two controls are move and shoot. This game was made in 1991. The same year Super NES came out. Not to mention, if you want to play a good 2D side-scroller game on the NES, try fucking Life Force. And what is this anyway? An inside-out dolphin shooting at roadkill toads?! I don't know. I'm just using my imagination. That's what you have when you're playing this miserable pile of goat shit!

5. Ooze

Number 5: Ooze. (sarcasm) Oh...wow! A title screen! Really?! Oh my god! It's...it's....(Shit Pickle Shit Pickle) WOAH HOH!!! (Shit Pickle Shit Pickle Shit Pickle) WOAH!!! (Shit Pickle) OH!! (Shit Pickle) Uh... (Shit...pickle Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shit) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. (Shit Pickle) Alllllrighty then, okay. Well, this is the first game that uses the B button....FOR JUMPING!! Any gamer who grew with Super Mario Bros. expects A to jump. But, that's the least of our worries. To jump over a hole, you have to tap the B button, and then press over. If you're holding the B button like you normally would, it locks you vertically until you let go. It's an anomaly of game programming. You know what's really weird? Whenever you restart the menu, it always starts at Ooze. Is that the programmers' personal recommendation? Well, so far, every one of these games is a bomb. But out of 52, I'm sure eventually we'll find one that's decent. (drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) I hope.

6. Silver Sword

Number 6: Silver Sword. Well, green, green, and more green. What is this? A cabbage patch on a golf course...infested with killer scrotums? This is a disgrace to the NES! The same platform that brought us games like The Legend of Zelda, Silver Sword. The sword isn't even silver! Maybe it's corroded.

7. Critical BP (Crytical Bypass)

Number 7: Critical BP. Or Critical Bypass. Oh, now it's spelled with a Y? Augh, that's dreadful. It's like an optical illusion! Well, that's pretty bad when the game causes eye strain and you can't even fucking look at it! What is this anyway? A pogo ball on a segway shooting at birthday presents? Augh, Critical Bypass! It's critical that you bypass this game!

8. Jupitr Scope (Jupiter Scope)

Number 8: Jupiter Scope. Nice. Another space shooter. This time you're a dead whale shooting at flaming condoms. That's what it looks like! The screen never moves. It's like Space Invaders, except without many invaders. Half of the time, you're just sitting around waiting! Come on! Give me something to shoot at! Losing at this game is impossible. Just hold down the fire button and move back and forth. Okay. What's next?

9. Alfredo (Alfred N The Fettuc)

Number 9: Alfredo. Or Alfred N The Fettuc. Yeah, fettuc. You've never heard of fettuc? What happened? Where's the fucking game? (The Nerd gets up and resets the game; as he starts the 9th game again, there is no luck) (crickets chirping) Well, there's no game here. What happened?! Did the programmers passed out or did they just figured nobody would check all 52 games? Well, that's four dollars wasted. But I guess I can't say I'm really too excited over playing a game called Alfredo, also known as Alfred N The Fettuc.

10. Operat. Moon (Operation Full Moon)

Number 10: Operation Full Moon. Now, that's puke green if I ever saw it. The nauseating hue combined with a texture of vomit. It makes me think that this game ate Silver Sword and barfed it out.

11. Dam Busters

Number 11: Dam Busters. Those damn (dam) busters. Well, it should've been called "Alien Beaver Tomato Fight". That's all it is! You're a beaver shooting tomatoes and navigating through a maze. Oops. Dead End. What. The. Shit! You can't go back?! I'm trapped?! You're shitting me!! This game is shitting me! (scene shows Action 52 cartridge for the NES literally shitting out a cut-out picture of the Nerd

12. Thrusters

Number 12: Thrusters. Another space shooter! Well, it's the same game as before, just different graphics. Where do they come up with these objects? I'm running out of imagination here. I can't decide for anything--especially when the game started to have a FUCKING SEIZURE!!

13. Haunted Hill

Number 13: Haunted Hill. Wow! A human being! I can't believe it actually looks like something. Man, her boobs are bigger than her head. It's a shitty side-scroller with the same bad controls as Ooze. Sadly, it's the best game so far. Out of the way, you fucking ghosts, here comes Mrs. Tits, jumping like she's on the moon! Die, you onion face balloon floating...uh...thing! I died?! By touching the AIR?!!

14. Chill Out

Number 14: Chill Out. I wish I could chill out! This is horrendous! This one is basically an eskimo snowball massacre. Climb down shits and ladders and throw snowballs. What this?! I died in mid-air?! That seems to be a theme we're running into here. This game...doesn't even care it sucks!

Gee! How much money did we waste so far? Like, 56 dollars, I think? That's already exceeded the average price of a Nintendo game.

15. Sharks

Number 15: Sharks. Yeah. Sharks. Sometimes sharks. Most of the time not. Well, you're stuck on this one screen, but you sure have full rein. You could swim through the ocean floor! And that's all it is. Just hope for sharks to come and...shoot 'em.

16. Megalonia

Number 16: Megalonia. ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER?! Flying through McDonalds Arches?! No thanks!

17. French Baker

Number 17: French Baker. Oh, man! You're a chef and the kitchen is really getting out of hand. Everything's trying to kill you: hoagies, envelopes, and doughnuts (the nerd pronounced it Dog Nuts). And what do you do? Hit 'em with you rolling pin and...don't drop down. You'll disintegrate. That's always nice.

18. Atmos Quake

Number 18: Atmos Quake. Augh! ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER?! I pass!

Sigh, I'm only up to Number 19. Geez...fuck!

19. Meong

Number 19: Meong. (beep beep beep boom, the nerd has no idea what to do in the game and became surprised when the character (some random shape) he controls exploded) What the fuck! (beep beep beep boom) Okay, get this. You move from square to square hoping that the next square won't make you explode. So, it's like a memory game that can only be done with trial and error. Good lord.

20. Space Dreams

Number 20: Space Dreams. Oh my! What's this gonna be? Why, of course, another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game...where do they come up with this stuff?

Action 52 Programmer (played by James Rolfe): Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (he sees a safety pin that was lying on his table and picks it up) Ahh! Safety pin! That'll be perfect! (he puts the safety pin down and types in the computer) Next game.

21. Streemerz

Number 21: Streemerz. You're a clown climbing up platforms like Spider-Man. Ooh, a rabbit in a hat. What does that do? Nothing at all. A bag of money? How about that? It turns into a green, frowning face? Is that suppose to teach you a lesson that taking money is greedy? No, I think I'm reading way too deep into it. Oh, then the game crashes. Good!

22. Spread Fire

Number 22: Spread Fire. What is this? They should've called this "Shooter Games 52"! This time, you're a lobster. You don't go anywhere and half the time, there's nothing to shoot at. These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Make a black background, cover in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old!

23. Bublgum Rosy (Bubble Gum Rossie)

Number 23: Bubble Gum Rosie. Or Bubble Gum Rossie. (sarcasm) Yay! I've always wanted to play a game where I'm a little girl shooting bubbles! Wait a minute! You can't even kill people?! Well, what do you expect? They're bubbles. You can jump on the enemies. Or wait...can you? And falling in spikes? Doesn't hurt you. This game...has no rules.

24. Micro Mike

Number 24: Micro Mike. Wow! Look out, Micro Mike! You're going too fast! Even if you have the quickest reflexes, you'll never be able to avoid the walls or other random objects that stand in your way. If only Micro Mike would slow the fuck down!

(unfinished)